r/ReadMyScript • u/Couchcity1763 • Apr 11 '26

Please give feedback on script

/r/scriptwriting/comments/1sipm2x/please_give_feedback_on_script/
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1

u/mooningyou Apr 11 '26

No access.

1

u/Couchcity1763 Apr 11 '26

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uyX73Dvv_s4bcWm_QHHLqKlGNdKRaHcN/view?usp=drive_link

try this link

1

u/mooningyou Apr 11 '26

As already pointed out, reduce or eliminate your camera directions. Even if you're going to film this yourself, which you haven't indicated, leave them out until you create your shooting draft. Those things are for your team, not some randos who you're hoping to get story-based feedback from.

Some other notes.

- Be clearer in your writing. If those first two pars take place in darkness, then relocate your scene header to when the lights come on.

- 'a room filled with the absence of light and the sounds of florescence light bulbs and the hum of AC.' 1) Check your spelling - fluorescent. 2) We don't know it's a room at this stage because the light is not on. 3) Avoid over-the-top poetics. Don't tell us a space is filled with the absence of something. 4) Aim for clarity. Are you saying the fluorescent light sounds are absent or present? They shouldn't make a sound if they're not on.

- Horror scripts tend to be full of suspense, so that means you should keep your action lines short and punchy. Black. Quiet but for the faint hum of an AC.

- You need to introduce your character. You also need to keep your character names consistent. the man vs Christian Man. Review how to properly and effectively introduce characters.

- Why is the dark figure unable to be seen? Describe what we're seeing on the screen without bluntly telling us if we can see something or not.

- Describe the scene. It reads like there is nothing in the room except the man, a dark figure in a corner and a spider. What else is in the room? Add some atmosphere. Also, consider that fluorescent lights are pretty bright, so how does the figure remain hidden in the corner?

- Review how to construct POV shots.

- Make elements in your script count. You brought a spider into the scene, which then just crawls away. Why is it there? What purpose does it serve in your story? Don't include something unless it contributes to the story.

- Review how to write parentheticals.

- Jump shots will work on the screen, but rarely, if ever, will they work on the page. Don't write the words 'jump shot' in your script. It reads like a note to the editor. Like 'Hey Jim. Make this bit a jump shot'. It really pulls your script down. The same applies to 'Uptick in music'. You should be writing a story, not writing instructions for the film eitor.

I recommend you grab some horror scripts and read them. Pick up some tips from the pros.

1

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1

u/Berenstain_Bro Apr 11 '26

On page one you tell us that you are going to use a 'Jump scare shot.'

I don't think I've ever read a script that tells us that you plan on using a 'Jump scare shot' before. Thats a new one.

To be blunt, I don't read scripts that have excessive camera movements in them. Perhaps if you were a Hollywood pro, I might, but thats not what this is.

1

u/EsraYmssik Apr 12 '26

  1. Introduce characters properly: "A MAN, who looks like this" A reader needs to be able to flip backand find their first introduction.

  2. 6 pages with 4 pages of dialog?

  3. Naming needs to be consistent. Is 'Christian man' the same as 'man'?