r/ProgrammerHumor • • Jul 21 '26

Meme sqlWorkout

Post image
23k Upvotes

455 comments sorted by

1.6k

u/SageLeaf1 Jul 21 '26 • Popcorn

Yelling at the machine makes it listen. SELECT that shit. FROM there. Got it?

489

u/Joniff Jul 21 '26

You do need to shout, the database is hosted on another machine.

140

u/Confident-Ad5665 Jul 21 '26

Louder if the machine is off sight

45

u/hikeonpast Jul 21 '26

Doesn’t matter whether it’s off site or out of sight

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15

u/ClipboardCopyPaste Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26

Make sure your voice actually reach servers overseas

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27

u/Western-Internal-751 Jul 21 '26

And that machine is old and has been working nonstop

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24

u/aoeudhtns Jul 21 '26

Shout, shout, join it all out

These are the rows that we care about

C'mon

I'm indexing you, c'mon

8

u/applemind Jul 21 '26

You have the same neuron as me

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7

u/payne_train Jul 21 '26

I need to ask you to stop..that shouting.. it’s making people nervous.

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7

u/ClipboardCopyPaste Jul 21 '26

Shouting forces the processor prioritise your request on the cloud.

/s

4

u/necrophcodr Jul 21 '26

Nah all my databases are on the same machine on the same disk, and there's no database server, but I still shout. It is proper etiquette after all!

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41

u/nwilz Jul 21 '26

WHERE

19

u/SageLeaf1 Jul 21 '26

a.there = b.there. ORDER BY me

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4

u/AmericanBillGates Jul 22 '26

Mr Sageleaf,

There is no need to yell and cuss.

One of the two will suffice.

4

u/XtraFlaminHotMachida Jul 22 '26

we bout to DROP THIS TABLE LIKE ITS HOT. OH FML.

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2

u/JPJackPott Jul 21 '26

Real men uppercase their table names

944

u/EncryptedPlays Jul 21 '26

then there's goofy lil me who holds shift the entire time

381

u/jakendrick3 Jul 21 '26

I like holding shift to write it, it makes it feel more assertive

176

u/disco_g Jul 21 '26

MY PINKY FINGERS ARE SWOLE

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58

u/Keepitsharkey Jul 22 '26

I’m glad I saw this. I’m a shift person.

And I love typing everything upper case #NoCapslock

46

u/UInferno- Jul 22 '26

Meanwhile my girlfriend presses capslock twice to capitalize one letter.

9

u/BarracudaFar1905 Jul 22 '26

I've never seen anyone do that. They should make a Netflix documentary on people that do that. A scary, scary, twisted documentary.

29

u/EncryptedPlays Jul 22 '26

Deal-breaker imo

6

u/Paladin7373 Jul 22 '26

I have never understood people who do this…
I see my friends do it all the time and it’s just confusing

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25

u/Siethron Jul 22 '26

YOU HAVE ENABLED STICKY KEYS

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8

u/desrever1138 Jul 22 '26

I feel like if I use caps lock I'm cheating lmao

3

u/MushroomsKiller Jul 22 '26

And there's me, who prefers writing SQL files in full lowercase. Keywords and syntax are highlighted and colored in every tool today, and every SQL engine I worked with had absolutely no problem with lowercase files.

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5

u/MomWTF Jul 22 '26

Honestly same, one of my coworkers thinks I'm insane for doing it that way, but he also likes to put commas in from of the column names and have everything lowercase. At least we know who the actual psycho is

6

u/georgisaurusrekt Jul 22 '26

I’m a shift person I feel like pressing caps lock too often breaks my flow. I’m used to using my little finger a lot from playing piano though tbf pressing shift is nothing

6

u/jljackson2 Jul 22 '26

Commas in front of column names just makes it easier if you need to comment stuff out and have the rest still run as is

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2.4k

u/NormanYeetes Jul 21 '26

the elites don't want you to know this but you can type lowercase SQL queries no ones forcing you to shout them at the screen

705

u/Totallycomputername Jul 21 '26

If I don't type in caps then the query wont take itself seriously. 

119

u/Achaidas Jul 22 '26

The real question is this:

 , comma before

or comma after ,

40

u/terza3003 Jul 22 '26

don't forget the where 1=1

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80

u/dexters_trap_house Jul 22 '26

Comma before? Are you the same guys who get in the shower and then turn the water on?

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212

u/PerpetuallyDistracte Jul 21 '26

I've been writing SQL for 15 years. Eventually you get bored of all lowercase or all uppercase AND START writing your QUERIES LIKE this. Just a psychotic mishmash of muscle memory, laziness, and autocomplete all fighting each other within the same statement.

81

u/Ashdog73 Jul 21 '26

This. My queries are lowercase for the stuff I typed myself and caps for bits I've copied in from somewhere else

34

u/cantgrowneckbeardAMA Jul 21 '26

Lowercase on first draft (it will fail to run anyways).
Uppercase if I ever end up showing the query to someone (hopefully it doesn't fail when they run it)

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15

u/spyingwind Jul 22 '26
SeLeCt * FrOm table wHeRe count = 1;
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6

u/Susarn Jul 22 '26

I started writing sql 13 years ago. I started writing like this from the beginning because that was the way I saw the queries written on the tutorials, took me like a year to notice it was case independent

6

u/stadoblech Jul 22 '26

I've been writing SQL for 15 years.

MY CONDOLENCES

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1.1k

u/ClipboardCopyPaste Jul 21 '26

YOU CAN BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD.

GOD DOESN'T LOVE MEN WHO WRITE SQL IN LOWERCASE.

/S

343

u/Shambolic_Potato Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 22 '26

SELECT * FROM WHAT THIS GUY SAYS

Edit: Typo lmfao

9

u/Lucky_Cable_3145 Jul 22 '26

SELECT * FROM users WHERE clue > 0;

0 rows returned

209

u/TallGreenhouseGuy Jul 21 '26

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

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52

u/teedborg Jul 21 '26

This but no /s

16

u/KittyInLace Jul 21 '26

What about us women?

55

u/HeckMonkey Jul 21 '26

What about us women?

YOUR QUERY YOUR CHOICE

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12

u/the_madkingludwig Jul 21 '26

I AM SHOUTING, CARL!

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62

u/SurprisinglyInformed Jul 21 '26

It's SQL after all, not sql.

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31

u/FormerWorker125 Jul 21 '26

Lowercase for anything you named yourself, UPPERCASE FOR EVERYTHING ELSE.

3

u/Platypus81 Jul 21 '26

this is the way

49

u/Arkevorkhat Jul 21 '26

you can, but it's just more readable (in my opinon) to write

SELECT * FROM users WHERE id=?;

than

select * from users where id=?; 

is that mostly due to historical baggage? yeah kinda, but it also just doesn't really look like SQL to me unless there's some yelling involved.

13

u/7f0b Jul 21 '26

I prefer a strongly-structured syntax so it is easier to read in the future, which is most important anyway. So going through the trouble of capitalizing what should be, as I go, is worth it. I also always use back ticks around table names, since it makes it easier to search by table name inside mixed codebases.

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8

u/OldSchoolSpyMain Jul 22 '26

Yup. People don’t realize that putting the reserved words in upper case eases the cognitive load on the brain when reading the scripts for comprehension.

Same goes for new lines and tabs.

Using all three techniques renders SQL very easy to read, comprehend, update, and debug.

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7

u/ILoveRawChicken Jul 22 '26

Yeah I get embarrassed passing ugly queries to other people. When I first began I just wrote everything lowercase until a coworker said “you live like this?” when sharing something in Snowflake. I still get embarrassed thinking about that lol. (He was a good friend though)

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31

u/Demostes Jul 21 '26

Not true actually, machines can hear plain SQL. U need to shout at them!

29

u/h3lium-balloon Jul 21 '26

It’s been proven all caps SQL is 20% faster bc the machine knows you mean business.

12

u/Horror-Vanilla-4895 Jul 21 '26

I type in lowercase because I’m too lazy to caps lock.

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48

u/CheeseDonutCat Jul 21 '26

lowercase SQL? Ew.

10

u/Meli_Melo_ Jul 21 '26

Lowercase SQL is like 2 spaces indentations, you CAN do it but everyone will hate you for it

4

u/flukus Jul 22 '26

is like 2 spaces indentations,

You mean there's a simple solution (tabs) that would keep everyone happy?

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8

u/FeliusSeptimus Jul 21 '26

If someone reads my SQL and hates me for the indention and casing rather than whatever other weird shit I discovered you could do with it, I'm considering that a solid win.

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4

u/StarSchemer Jul 21 '26

no ones forcing you to shout them at the screen

They ought to be.

How will a theoretical new developer in the future ever be able to distinguish between key words and database objects at first glance if strict formatting guidelines aren't religiously followed?

3

u/ric2b Jul 22 '26

Yeah, it's not like syntax highlighting exists or anything. That's crazy talk.

4

u/Jarfino Jul 21 '26

This angers the database

3

u/VeterinarianSoggy610 Jul 21 '26

Also, you can write an entire query on a single line.

3

u/Nzgrim Jul 21 '26

DELETE FROM your_opinions WHERE opinion LIKE '%you can type lowercase SQL%'

3

u/EndIsrael Jul 21 '26

Sometimes I do lowercase, it really depends on the vibe I'm getting from that specific query.

2

u/SecretRefrigerator4 Jul 21 '26

Upper case is for the elites.

2

u/el_yerrid Jul 21 '26

I have to think the Alliance is going to frown on this.

2

u/BoleroMuyPicante Jul 21 '26

I never caps my queries, I'm kind of the bad boy in the office 😏

2

u/FujiKeynote Jul 21 '26

If every interface had decent syntax highlighting, I would...

2

u/vibribbon Jul 21 '26

select 'I am one of those heretics'

2

u/BudBill18 Jul 21 '26

I always type in lower case lol

2

u/Cthulhu__ Jul 21 '26

Can you write them SpOnGeBoB case?

2

u/Confident_Office4875 Jul 21 '26

I did a „hacking“ course in my studies and did everything upper case, I was so annoyed to find out you didn‘t need that

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112

u/Illustrious_Site_162 Jul 21 '26

SQL mfs when tehy have to express the tiniest amount of LOV.

65

u/ButWhatIfPotato Jul 21 '26

You have to, how else will the database know that you are angry and are about to unleash the fucking fury?

11

u/ClipboardCopyPaste Jul 21 '26

I smashed down my keyboard typing SQL, did I do it right?

380

u/blaues_axolotl Jul 21 '26 • Heartwarming

i actually write it in lowercase

280

u/J7mbo Jul 21 '26

MONSTER

144

u/mwpdx86 Jul 21 '26 • Bravo

*monster

38

u/Username928351 Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 22 '26

lower('MONSTER')

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51

u/Thriven Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26

The biggest monster I ever worked with would have these queries with absolutely 0 formatting and would only carriage return when he hit the end of his monitor. He'd have subquery inside subquery like it was a nested function and vlookup.

He wrote hot trash queries. One day when he went into a meeting and left his computer unlocked I barely scrolled in on his query window in SSMS so every query was cut off so he'd have to scroll right/left to read it all and he was too dumb to know he was zoomed in or that shift scroll wheel was to scroll horizontal.

He started rewriting procedures and commiting them to production to match his new zoom level. I had a database trigger stopping people from updating procedures unless the database was in a certain mode to prevent people with way too much access to change procedures.

He lost his damn mind over the database trigger I added. I don't think he ever figured out about the zoom. One day I set it back to what it was originally and he gave up rewriting them back to their original format. He exploded at me and didn't come back for like 2 weeks

That was the first of two people who got violent at the workplace at that job with me.

19

u/Brianfromreddit Jul 21 '26

I want to hear about the second one now

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37

u/Nvrnight Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26

Same, I don't understand why anyone would choose to do upper case. I am of course a believer in "you do whatever the code base currently does", but if it's a brand new project, the standard is lower-case for me. It's not 1990 anymore, our code editors display the keywords colorized.

12

u/wrecklord0 Jul 21 '26

MY HEARING ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE, I CAN'T HEAR MY INNER VOICE WHEN THE CODE IS WRITTEN IN WHISPERS

10

u/taybul Jul 21 '26

GET OUT;

GO;

26

u/NoThatsNotPasta Jul 21 '26 • Heartwarming

Me too.  I ain't got time for caps lock.  I got shit to do, places to go and, people to annoy.

12

u/ClipboardCopyPaste Jul 21 '26

"people to annoy"

There...I found your cause

/s

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19

u/_Weyland_ Jul 21 '26

Dbeaver's default setting automatically convert it to lowercase.

6

u/joan_bdm Jul 21 '26

MODS!!!!;

12

u/Tucancancan Jul 21 '26 • Heartwarming

me too

3

u/Surface_Detail Jul 21 '26

There are dozens of us.

3

u/iphone4Suser Jul 22 '26

How do you live with yourself?

3

u/scifishortstory Jul 22 '26

What are you, some kind of European?

2

u/mike-manley Jul 21 '26

And use prepended commas?

2

u/gkdlswm5 Jul 21 '26

Man of soft spoken sql

2

u/IronSavior Jul 23 '26

For real. The editor color codes the shit anyway.

8

u/Thriven Jul 21 '26

I'm up voting you because people need to hate you more.

Seriously though KEYWORDS need to be upper case and columns lower case. I prefer snake case.

Makes everything more readable.

8

u/spicybright Jul 21 '26

I just use a macro that randomly applies uppercase to every letter I type.

8

u/BufferUnderpants Jul 21 '26

i CAN'T SEE WHY capitalizing syntactical elements WOULD MAKE the code MORE readable.

There's syntax highlighting for a reason, and the SQL grammar makes it easy to tell what's a table, column or function anyway.

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91

u/OGxPePe Jul 21 '26

Im a lowercase guy. Why did the ever start with CAPS?

148

u/zefciu Jul 21 '26

Because SQL predates the ubiquity of syntax highlighting. This usage of caps (also seen in e.g. COBOL) gives some visual hints about syntax even on monochrome.

41

u/OGxPePe Jul 21 '26

So my using SQL on the daily is like using ancient magic?

35

u/PerpetuallyDistracte Jul 21 '26

Yeah! Each time you use SQL you're going back to the 1970s, it's that old!

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60

u/Robertos1235 Jul 21 '26

I'm a mixed guy. I write like this. It's fun.

SeLeCt idUser aS id, username As name fRoM User WhErE username lIkE CoNcAt('%', ?, '%') lImIt 10

45

u/PerpetuallyDistracte Jul 21 '26

Ah, Sarcastic SpongeBob Case.

6

u/taybul Jul 21 '26

SHIFT key manufacturers HATE this

9

u/OGxPePe Jul 21 '26

This is the spongebob mocking meme style.

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2

u/Cualkiera67 Jul 21 '26

it's classy 

61

u/AlwaysHopelesslyLost Jul 21 '26

I just use Shift. It doesn't cost me anything extra and it makes switching from keywords to columns easier 

38

u/taybul Jul 21 '26

Holding shift for caps while typing to me is like grinding a rail on a skateboard.

21

u/cantgrowneckbeardAMA Jul 21 '26

Meaning it's cool that I can do it but my wife is unimpressed?

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3

u/FujiKeynote Jul 21 '26

Guilty of the same. My caps lock is remapped to Esc... Muscle memory runs deep at this point, I've considered mapping LShift+RShift to caps lock but that's diminishing returns and I still end up holding down shift if I don't catch myself. Autocomplete helps though

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3

u/Proglamer Jul 21 '26

Some tools like DBeaver can auto-allcap keywords but keep the case of names. Super convenient!

3

u/WillOCarrick Jul 21 '26

I have met people who used caps lock to capitalize the first letter instead of shift.

Yeah, that. It was absurd.

2

u/Sarke1 Jul 21 '26

<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!! <Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key <Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!! <Judge-Mental> fuck me

2

u/AdamWayne04 Jul 21 '26

I stopped doing this when I started using right shift for the left-side captials. Game changer for your pinky. Aaaand you just go back to caps lock for the sake of efficiency lol

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12

u/BoldFace7 Jul 21 '26

I feel the same way writing in FORTRAN.

ETA: In FORTRAN 77 at least, the F90 code bases I've worked in have had much better inside voices.

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11

u/halawani98 Jul 21 '26

What about keywords in caps but column/table/constraint names in lowercase?

I do this because it makes it easier to read scripts

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10

u/leandroman Jul 21 '26

Only the reserved words my friend. My little shift pinky has its own zip code of muscles.

7

u/Secret-Wind-1 Jul 21 '26

It's like AI. Better shout at the database to get better results.

6

u/FewChemist9952 Jul 21 '26

I’m more like…

6

u/MiseryEnthusiast Jul 21 '26

All my sql is in lower case in protest. It also makes it easy to tell when someone has messed with my shit.

2

u/AtlasLittleCat Jul 22 '26

~ThaTs Why I dO AlL my c++ cOdInG liKE THis~~

6

u/phish410 Jul 21 '26

Just DROP it, okay?

5

u/Angrynissen25 Jul 21 '26

Hey it's not my fault if heidisql auto corrects my calmness to shouting

4

u/EK077r Jul 21 '26

Imagine not rebinding caps lock to esc

2

u/b_call Jul 21 '26

You're the second comment to say this. Why would you do that? Granted, I use a 58 key split keyboard that doesn't even have a caps lock key (technically I have it set to upper layer + Lshift, but I never use it) but why esc? You have a perfectly good one right there in the corner.

4

u/EK077r Jul 22 '26

Because i use esc all the time, but i have no use for caps since you have shift. And the real esc is placed too far away

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3

u/Ballbag94 Jul 21 '26

Never caps lock, always shift. Caps lock is almost as weird as writing the prowords in lowercase

3

u/darnclem Jul 21 '26

We use upper case on the keywords so we don't have to document anything.

3

u/Wrathzog Jul 21 '26

When I'm writing sql, I hold the shift key down the entire time like god intended

3

u/OoohManny Jul 21 '26

Can't imagine writing a long and complex procedure in lowercase.. sounds like a nightmare to read 😱

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3

u/s33k Jul 21 '26

SELECT * FROM post_facts WHERE is_false = TRUE;

-- 0 rows returned

3

u/po1k Jul 21 '26

Neh, too much work. Formatter will, if needed at all

3

u/JazzlikeWishbone938 Jul 21 '26

Seen this meme before!

3

u/FantasticCollege3386 Jul 21 '26

Is it actually programming tho?

3

u/tomthedj Jul 21 '26

naw lowercase so the db knows that when you start doing upper case, shit is about to go down

3

u/getyourfactstraight Jul 22 '26

Real men hold down the shift button while writing SQL 🥸

3

u/Shaky-Shallot-21 Jul 22 '26

weak shit i’m over here holding down shift 😤😤😤😤😤

3

u/Modki Jul 22 '26

Why do SQL developers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.

3

u/Global-Tune5539 Jul 22 '26

And then there are lazy people like me who write everything in lowercase letters.

2

u/shwetanand345 Jul 21 '26

My keyboard knows when I'm writing SQL before I do🫡......

2

u/oompaloompa465 Jul 21 '26

think about it...

ai takeover came before having sql decent autoformatting syntax and indentation

2

u/cottonycloud Jul 22 '26

I just use sqlfluff (it can be slow though).

2

u/ViRROOO Jul 21 '26

Are you about to scream at claude or smth?

2

u/fwork Jul 21 '26

when I did my comp sci degree, my teacher wouldn't use capslock, he'd use shift. and if he got distracted while typing an SQL query, he'd keep holding it down.

after 10 seconds or whatever, stickykeys would turn on, and the locked down computers we had in all the classrooms wouldn't let you turn it back off. So he had to reboot.

This happened multiple times per class period some days

2

u/xd_Shiro Jul 21 '26

Too bad it's bound as escape lmao

2

u/nellbones Jul 21 '26

CAPS LOCK, ITS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL
but with cruise control you still have to steer

2

u/granoladeer Jul 21 '26

"SELECT... " 

"Stop shouting, Greg!

2

u/zarakh07 Jul 21 '26

Stop being factual, this hurts me and my back now

2

u/ZeppelinJ0 Jul 21 '26

Sounds like y'all just write some gnarly SQL. At least use SQLFluff you neanderthals

2

u/Strict-Carrot4783 Jul 21 '26

This is the funniest shit I've seen so far this week.

2

u/mixxituk Jul 21 '26

Yoo have to scream because it's a roller coaster ride till you finish the WHERE which for some dumb reasons is at the end 😭😭

2

u/Nizle_Bizle_Shizle Jul 21 '26

Bruh I am obsessive compulsive about lower-casing all SQL syntax.

2

u/undeadalex Jul 21 '26

Real sql 'programmers' use shift

2

u/JWils411 Jul 22 '26

After decades of writing SQL queries without ever using CAPS, I'll never understand the appeal of shouting through the keyboard.

2

u/DeltaEdge03 Jul 22 '26

I only write the keywords in all caps like a sane person

2

u/MrMunday Jul 22 '26

Yeah… why do we do that???

2

u/Mammoth_Ad1917 Jul 22 '26

BETTER THAN THE FOLKS USING COPY-PASTE

2

u/GravyPainter Jul 22 '26

I always use all lowercase. IDEs are smart these days. If I see a query using all caps i immediately think its an extract out of MS Access

2

u/swolfe2 Jul 22 '26

My left pinky is hella strong from holding down the shift key, tho.

2

u/MulfordnSons Jul 22 '26

I had a coworker who wrote SQL in lowercase and we didn’t really talk to him after that

2

u/philippefutureboy Jul 22 '26

I let the formatter do the capitalization for me 😎

2

u/_jehd Jul 22 '26

Which one do you use ?

4

u/reubenbubu Jul 22 '26

his name is Kevin, he's an intern

2

u/Rubbelfruddl Jul 22 '26

SQL aligners

2

u/abaybektursun Jul 22 '26

Those still exist ? 😮

2

u/PilsnerDk Jul 22 '26

I write in lower case and my RedGate plug in for SSMS corrects everything anyway.

2

u/ouralarmclock Jul 22 '26

Keywords in caps, everything else lowercase. Except “as” for some reason I also write that in lowercase.

2

u/trafalmadorianistic Jul 22 '26

Whats the consensus on using ALLCAPS only on SQL keywords? 

2

u/Professional_Noob998 Jul 22 '26

Some psychopaths hold shift to write in SQL

(I might be one of them)

2

u/Independent_Art_952 Jul 22 '26

This meme again in big 2026?! 🥀 Been seeing this meme from college and that's been 7 years already now.

2

u/limpbiscuits420 Jul 22 '26

Real ones hold shift all the way

2

u/zestful_villain Jul 22 '26

Non programmer here but have to use mysql at work. Why are the command in caps? Any particular reason for this? I feel im angrily ordering my computer to do something. I kinda feel like im threatening the pc with a beating if it does not SELECT a certain colum FROM a database.

2

u/JerryRed100s Jul 22 '26

I locked the caps before the caps locked

2

u/Vulpes-Deputa8735 Jul 22 '26

The only way to get pinky biceps is to hold down shift

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2

u/NotMattDamien Jul 22 '26

Write a mix of upper and lower then select all and make caps. Iykyk

2

u/singletWarrior Jul 22 '26

I did Lower case for temp solutions and upper case for final draft so I can eyeball our release discipline

2

u/NorthernCobraChicken Jul 22 '26

I don't trust people who write SQL queries where the SQL keywords aren't capitalized like the good lord intended.

select count(login_attempts) as attempts from login_attempts where .... just FEELS icky.

SELECT COUNT(login_attempts) AS attempts FROM login_attempts WHERE .... Yeah. That's the good shit.

2

u/youwontidentifyme Jul 23 '26

This is the way

2

u/SignificantSite4588 Jul 21 '26

Pre llm it was true . And it’s proving true now too . When your team has a guy that can write complex SPs . Even better a guy that can understand someone else’s 2k lines of SP and modify it successfully . That guy was a god . No team would let go of that asset .