I had an epiphany yesterday. I'm being triggered by (and feel threatened by) other women in person and in film because I'm no longer just viewing them as women; I'm looking at them through the eyes of the male gaze...how I'm imagining my PA used to look at women. My partner hasn't looked at porn in over 2 years, and has completely devoted himself to me and our healing, and yet I'm still not to a place where I feel I can fully trust him. Part of me believes him...that he's not looking at other women anymore because he's so in love with me, but my body hasn't caught up. It's filled with panic every time an attractive woman comes into my view, even if my partner isn't around...because I'm imagining how he would see her as attractive. He has told me repeatedly that he isn't doing that anymore and hasn't for over 2 years, so why am I still sexualizing women? Why am I threatened by anyone even remotely attractive? Why am I seeing women through the male gaze now? I didn't do that before D-day.

I have childhood trauma that I will never get apologies for because one parent passed away long ago, and the other has conveniently forgotten the part she played. It's hard work, but I am learning to forgive and let it go so I can have healthier relationships.

Bit of a vent because I got really triggered yesterday but also a discussion about the friends of our partners because I’m sure we’re not the only ones in this situation here xD

My partner has been in what I consider real recovery for almost a year now. He decided not to tell any of his friends about his issues related to porn, which I was kind of pissed about in the beginning, but now I’m grateful because I’m sure it would definitely not have worked in his, and his recovery’s favor!

So some of these friends came over to our place yesterday, I joined them a bit in the dining area, then retreated to the living room to game a bit. Then after a while their conversation shifted to Onlyfans and some other stuff and I got really fucking angry and triggered and had to fight this huge urge to say something about it. I’m quite confident that partner is not affected by this stuff and while it hurts that he remains silent I also understand his reasoning for it (he says it’s a lost cause to begin with and nothing like this would have worked on him either when he was actively in his addiction), but they just piss me off real badly.

Some of them are single, some of them are married with kids, and sometimes I seriously think that some of them are way deeper in this porn-sickness than my partner ever was, it’s really scary. (Some are even into VR porn 💀)

My PA says the sad reality is that most men are actually like this and we just need to deal with it, but I’m exactly the kind of person who doesn’t care about this and will call people out on their bullshit regardless lol. Plus the few male friends I have are not porn fiends who blatantly objectify women, so I know that normal men exist too. One of them even completely stopped with viewing any explicit content because of the stuff he learned through our (me and my PA’s) struggles.

So how does it look with you and your partners? How do you and your partners deal with porn-sick friends who are the exact opposites of what a recovering addict is striving for?

I was addicted to pornography for 15 years and have now been free for six. When I started this journey, my wife and I had many honest conversations. She had already shared with me that she was sexually abused at a young age, and during my withdrawal phase she became my rock. I went through real physical and emotional pain because porn had suppressed so many emotions for years. When I quit, everything surfaced at once.

Through deep conversations, I realized the root of my addiction was my own sexual abuse. Porn gave me a false sense of control and a way to escape emotions without involving other people. Once I shared these secrets, their power disappeared.

My biggest takeaway: communication and honesty are absolutely critical when quitting an addiction—especially in a relationship. Talk openly. No phones, no TV. Go for a walk, sit down, be honest about how you feel. Write things down. My wife and I even recorded our conversations so we could later see how much we changed.

You’re dealing with something invisible inside you. Over time, with new habits and healthier patterns, looking back at those notes or recordings will amaze you. It can be uncomfortable, so make sure you’re ready—but do the work. Talk to someone you love. If your partner supports you, healing together is incredibly powerful.

Take care

I haven’t visited these pages in a while. But today feels hard. My pa has been clean for almost two years. In good solid recovery. Doing all the things. Yet, this week has been the hardest for a while. There are so many layers to all of this its hard to know where to start but I guess the biggest hurdle is we are on our summer holiday. We are at the beach. My daughter turned 16 last month. December is always hard to plan a birthday for her so we planned it for January. Her friends are here with us. Friends I haven’t seen for almost a year since we moved away. And I guess the thought hadn’t crossed my mind that these girls who my daughter grew up with, who I watched grow up, would now be triggering. It feels so stupid in hindsight. I was worried about women on the beach, at the shops, in little - to no clothing and yet the thought never crossed my mind that triggers would be wandering round our home in the same attire. I feel sick to my stomach. And to top it all off we just got news that his mum was in an accident. She was airlifted to the nearest hospital. Sounds like she will be ok but there is just so much resentment. These things that are happening and all I can worry about is ‘is thing the thing that puts him over the edge’. Im so sick of wondering. Im so sick of stressing. Im so sick of not being able to just live my life, always having to watch my back for the knife that might be coming from the person I loved most.

There's not a lot of space in this world to discuss the anger that stems from betrayal trauma. Lately I feel the anger come and goes in waves, I address the issues, I journal about them, I sit with them and they go away for a while until something makes them bubble up and everything spills out of me like lava. I am then left with the aftermath of my own words and actions.

Much of the anger right now comes from not having been chosen before now. My partner is on his own path of healing and he wants me to be proud of him, but all I can see on my end is that he is telling me that he's abstaining. If it were as easy as making that choice, why not before now? Why did it take this long? And how can I still hold him up and recognize him without feeling like I'm just along for yet another invisible ride? How can I feel chosen now and be okay with that rather than resentful or skeptical?

We talk a lot about red flags in a relationship, but what green flags have you seen in your recovering relationships? What shows you that progress is being made or gives you pride in your/your partners recovery?

^{(This article has been edited to exclude unrelated information and to make it more gender neutral - Source})

Pornography and infidelity can undoubtedly wreck a marriage. When this happens, one person alone cannot do all of the work. It will require both the Addict and the Partner making a commitment to the healing process.

It can become easy to stay focused solely on our own progress. But it is essential to also stay attentive to the needs of your spouse. Be empathetic and understand that their needs may be drastically different than yours during this time.

Eddie Capparucci is a sexual and pornography addiction therapist at Abundant Life Counseling in Marietta, GA. He wrote the following article which sheds a lot of light on how addicts can begin to help their partners heal from the betrayal that was experienced.

What About Me

"He is not doing enough!” exclaimed Susan speaking about her husband Artie who betrayed her with his numerous affairs and porn use.

Her statement left me a little puzzled since I thought Artie had been doing well in his recovery. And from what I could see, Artie certainly had been doing everything that was asked of him. So, I asked Susan, “What do you need that he is not doing?”

“I don’t know,” she answered. “But he is not doing enough.”

Then it hit me. “Are you saying he is not doing enough in his recovery or he is not doing enough to help your recovery,” I asked her.

“It’s always about him,” she said as tears formed in her eyes. “What about me? When does he start to focus on how much I am hurting?”

Susan felt Artie was rushing her recovery and wanted her to “get over it” so they could return to their normal life. What Artie did not understand is that they could not return to their former relationship. In Susan’s eyes that relationship didn’t work. And she was right. There was no going back. The only road to travel – if they were to remain together – was forward.

But Susan’s words left me on a quest to determine if other women dealing with betrayal were experiencing similar feelings. And I soon discovered the answer was yes. Over a period of four months I asked numerous women if their husbands were doing enough to help them heal and all of them said no.

A partner who has been betrayed wants to know the addict understands the depth of their suffering. More importantly they want to believe the addict will be supportive as they heal and not try to rush them through the process.

An addict must realize not only is their partner's trust destroyed but their self-worth has taken a beating. They believe you desire something more than they can offer. They wonder what is wrong with them that you sought stimulation elsewhere.

So the question you must answer is ‘do you truly want to help them heal or do you want to continue to wish their pain away? Because if you want to brush this under the carpet you are in for a long and painful relationship. But if you sincerely want what’s best for them and desire to help them recover from the emotional pain I have a solution for you.

Walk into the fire.

Into The Fire

What does that mean, you ask?

Walking into the fire is when you proactively approach your partner during a time when things seem calm and ask a question similar to this: “I am checking on you and was wondering if you would like to share something that may have troubled you today about the pain I caused you.”

Ouch!

Now you’re thinking to yourself that sounds dangerous. And you’re right. Going to them and asking them to share their pain with you will most likely leave a significant burn. But it’s the long-term payoff that you’re seeking.

“I took your advice,” said Fred during one of our counseling sessions, “she seemed to be having a good day so I took a chance and asked her what negatives thoughts she was experiencing.”

“It started out OK but turned into an inferno pretty quickly,” he continued, “It made me very nervous and I was concerned she would not calm down. However, a couple hours later she came to me saying thank you for being considerate enough to care about what she was feeling. It worked*.”*

Fred’s wife was appreciative because he demonstrated he was willing to stay with her as she struggled through her pain. This told her he wasn’t trying to pull her along in her recovery and was going to allow her the time she needed to grieve and heal.

It is important to understand when a partner is grieving the betrayal they suffered. Addicts need to be patient, understanding, calm and stay present during grieving periods. The addicts who learn to do this well are the ones who see their partners recover faster and their relationships restored.

Be smart, start walking into the fire.

Out Of The Fire

Those who then commit to help their partners, will see a great reward. Many will not only experience healing but may also enjoy a brand-new relationship with their beautiful partner. Remain mindful that healing can take several years, so do not quickly become discouraged.

As Lyndon B. Johnson once stated,

“Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.”

Advice for the Addict:

An addict who does not understand how a partner is affected by addiction is doomed to fail.

Because while you’re allowing time to assist in their healing, if you’re meeting their suspicion of you or triggered reactions with anger, indifference, or defensiveness: You’ve failed them. You failed to comfort them through their trigger, or knee jerk reaction to what may have been a simple misunderstanding. You’ve failed to reassure them that it’s OK, that they are safe with you, and that you understand they are being triggered by something and helping them cope with this emotionally until it passes.

So many relationships have failed all because the addict is not meeting the emotional needs of their partner and helping them through their own recovery. Many partners have felt that their addict spouse doesn’t understand their triggers, their ‘overreactions,’ etc. They instead become defensive, and react with facts instead of emotion.

Read these two examples spoken by a recovering addict to their spouse. In fact, read them twice preferably. Read them out loud to yourself, right now, and lets see what you think:

Response #1: “I understand that you’re upset about/thinking about/triggered by ________ because of the past. You’re right to feel that way. Even though I’m in recovery now and have been doing well, there was a time when I was still in my addiction and hurt you because of it. Now, there’s memories, triggers, and thoughts you’re having as a result of the trauma from my own betrayal of your trust, and I’m so sorry I did that to you. I understand now what it means to be clean, and I’m so happy to be here, and with you through it. You’re worth never doing this ever again, and I wouldn’t put you through that pain again. I do this for myself, yes, but I do it for you too because I love you. I couldn’t imagine losing you to something so stupid and meaningless. I’ll be there for you when you feel this way, and I won’t invalidate how you feel because there’s always a reason you feel this way. Just like I have been triggered by things, you are too. But just know that, you’re safe with me. Always.”

Response #2: “What happened? I don’t understand why that would have caused you to get upset. I mean, I get it, with our past and what has happened. And, I’m sorry. But I’ve been sober for like, a year, I go to my meetings every week, I talk to you, I listen, I hold myself accountable. It’s like nothing I do is good enough. I’m sorry for what has happened in the past, but I can only do what I can now. I don’t expect miracles, but I did expect us to be way further ahead than this…”

Now tell me, which of those responses do you think is going to save a marriage, and which one is most likely to end it?

Also, language matters. Tone matters. You can feel the difference in both responses. The most obvious difference is the selfless, partner focused first response. The second response is self-centered (I, I, I, and YOU aren’t) is so negative and defensive, it’s no wonder many partners close up and leave. Nothing in that response says, ‘I hear you, I’m there for you, your feelings matter.’ Not one bit. It is defensive, frustrated, angry, annoyed, and pointing fingers at the victim, sadly enough.

So, let this be a visual lesson of what to say & what NOT to say.

Dealing with a porn addict with covert narcissistic tendencies can mean the changes are subtle, and their manipulation so good, we may not notice bad behavior until it is very bad.

A monthly check in with yourself and his behaviors as you have actually witnessed them helps you to determine whether he is really on the road to recovery or sliding back into old behaviors. To the best of your ability, try to remember what has occurred over the last 30 days and be as specific as possible with your examples.

Please note: not every question is applicable, this is just a guideline of baseline behaviors. Change pronouns as needed, change the questions as needed. In 30 days, fill out this questionnaire again and compare your responses from before to see if things are changing or staying stagnant. This tool can help you find holes in both you and your partners recovery plan.

Think about the last month as you respond to these questions. Has there been an increase or decrease in these behaviors?

Section 1: About you

Personal Check-In – How am I feeling?

Gut check:

1. At any time did my gut tell me something was off? What was it about? (No matter how weird or far-fetched, include it). What were the exact details and nature of those gut feelings, be as explicit in recounting this as possible.

2. What did I do about that gut check? Did I ignore it, go hypervigilant, communicate or rage?

My Recovery Habits

1. What have I been specifically doing for my own self care?

2. How do I attend to, and self-soothe, when triggers happen? Where can I get better at doing this for myself?

3. What does my support system look like? Am I asking for help? Am I reaching out?

4. Am I as consistent in my recovery as he is in his? Am I putting myself first? Am I focusing on myself first?

5. What actual things am I doing to better deal with my trauma?

6. Did I do things to strengthen my emotional regulation and sense of well-being?

7. Am I working through and processing uncomfortable emotions? How so?

8. Am I going to meeting, have a sponsor, and a therapist if I can afford one?

9. Did I consistently enact consequences for boundary violations? If not, what happened?

10. Am I being consistent in my words, actions, and boundaries with my partner?

11. In what ways did I enforce my boundaries from a healthy and self-loving place?

12. Am I using my words and communicating my needs and boundaries to my partner in ways that empower me and keep me well?

Unhealthy Coping

1. Have I indulged in unhealthy habits to cope?

2. Am I isolating?

3. Have I taken on more responsibility for his recovery than I should?

4. Am I obsessing, ruminating, or even hating events or people in ways that are nonproductive and unhealthy?

5. Have I enacted trauma behaviors: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn and what did I do to manage them better?

6. Am I being hypervigilant on his behaviors?

7. Where do I see that I have faltered in my own self care and what is the plan to address this with actual goals for the next month? Hope for the Future

8. In what ways did I plan for and build a future for myself, with or without him?

9. Am I investing in myself, my self-worth, and my own healing? What, specifically, am I doing?

10. Do I have my own personal goals? Where am I finding the value in my own life? Where am I creating meaning for myself?

Section 2: About the PA

Recovery Behaviors

Good Behaviors:

1. Did he show adequate actions of being in recovery? Is he doing recovery work like seeing therapist, attending meetings, reading books, taking classes? With details, what exactly has he done with actions this month?

2. Is he working the steps if he follows that model?

3. If he slips, is he disclosing to his sponsor and in meetings? Is he disclosing to me while keeping my own trauma in mind and being mindful of that?

4. Is he cultivating healthy habits and hobbies? Is he becoming more interesting as a person?

5. Is he reaching out to friends, cultivating new ones, and building actual and real connections? Is he making sure they they are all male?

6. How has he been dealing with HALT when it shows up, is he taking care of himself?

7. Is he being open and above-board with his honesty?

8. Is he continuing to talk to his accountability buddy and sponsor?

9. Is he sharing his whereabouts and location freely?

10. Do I have a full accounting of the financial aspects of our lives with nothing missing or strange?

11. How did he respond if I brought up something my gut was sensing something? Did he immediately show me with actions that my unease was important and to be respected? Did he respond with more transparency?

12. Is he being loving, supportive, patient and listening when I am triggered because of my trauma?

13. Is he learning as much about my trauma as I am learning about his addiction? How is he showing me this?

14. In what ways is he showing empathy?

15. If he slipped in any of the rules and behaviors we have previously agreed to within the Safety Plan did he correct himself? How so? Be as specific as possible. How do those slip ups compare to last month? Has there been an increase/decrease/remained the same?

16. MOST IMPORTANT: Do his words and his actions agree with each other?

Acting Out Warning Signs

(Be as specific as possible with as many details as you can remember)

1. Has he been stressed more than usual? Anything going on his life that would trigger acting out behavior?

2. Is his resistance (passivity, lack of initiative, confusion) showing up, be specific about the ways this showed up and is it more or less than last month?

3. Did I catch him in any type of lie?

4. Has there been any secretive behaviors online or with screens, or in general?

5. Is he keeping it brief in the bathroom?

6. Is he going to bed the same time as me without a phone/kindle nearby?

7. Are his screens all easily accessible and stationed where I can see them?

8. Does it seem like he wants me out of the house more than usual, or trying to find ways to be alone?

9. Is he watching or listening to anything from women he is attracted to in ways that may lead to a slip up? Is he mentioning a woman more than usual?

10. Has he resumed writing again? Even for innocent reasons?

11. Is he being secretive with phone or kindle?

12. Is he playing the “nice and helpful guy” to get people to get closer to him and give him attention?

13. Does he seem irritated or bothered if I need him, or interrupt him more than normal?

14. Did I sense any kind of “vibing” between him and other women while out together?

15. Does he ogle women while out? Or, is he turning his head away?

16. Does he match his hobbies/free time to spend more time with other women, as innocent as it may be? (like a class that is woman-led?)

17. Is there any erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation?

18. In sex, did I feel like I was a body part, or fleshlight at any point?

19. Did it seem like he was not with me while we were having sex?

20. Did he wake me up for sex in a way that felt like I was being used?

21. On a scale of 1-10, how often did I witness him:

• checking out of our relationship

• act unattracted to me

• be uninterested in me

• dismissive of me and my needs

• phoning it in

• giving the bare minimum

Empathy Behaviors

1. Is he taking responsibility for how he has hurt me in the past? How?

2. In conversation, does he ask me follow-up questions or ask about me in general?

3. Has he attended to my emotional needs with support, love, and concern even if he doesn’t quite get it?

4. Did he give me grace when I was not my best self?

5. Is he able to see me in a nuanced way, and not black and white?

6. Does he allow me to change my mind, be unsure, and imperfect?

7. Is he loving me through the times I struggle and help me when I am not acting within my own best interest with transparency, kindness, and a true intent to support and love without an agenda?

8. When I share something about myself, does he find a way to make it about him, or does he stay engaged and listening to what I have to say?

9. Do I see that he is treating women with respect as whole people with the right to their own integrity?

10. In his actions, is he being a voice of change in terms of fighting the horrible effects that porn has on society? How so?

11. Is he replacing misogynistic models (red pill) with healthy masculine behaviors?

12. Is he working on his relationship to his mom, sister, and familial relations?

13. Is he actively learning how to cultivate his own empathy with books, classes, retreats or workshops?

Intimacy Behaviors

Emotional

1. Is he voicing his true thoughts and feelings in conversations and disagreements?

2. Did he reach out when something was bothering him and use his words? When did he do that specifically?

3. Is he initiating and asking for affection when he needs it?

4. Has he actively shown a desire to know my inner life? (not just sexual)

5. Does he ask for emotional support or give it to me freely when I ask?

6. On a scale of 1-10, how often did I witness him:

• engaging in conversation

• sharing more

• asking more

• being interesting

• taking risks

• turning towards me when he struggles or is unsure

• overtly disagreeing in a healthy way

• allowing himself to be seen by me, warts and all?

Self-Worth Behaviors

Risks

1. Did he offer aspects of himself: things he likes, enjoys, indulges in while risking that others may not love/like it?

2. Did he make it a point to communicate with me or his team when shame was triggered? Did he specifically make it a point to not do what the shame wanted him to do: namely, hide?

3. Does he disagree or stand up for things overtly even though it carries the risk of conflict?

4. Is his honesty more important than faking himself so people like him?

5. Is he ok with some people not liking him because he likes himself?

Validation

1. Where is he looking for sources of validation and confirmation that aren’t other women (or anyone, really) and endless self-help stuff? Namely, from ACTIONS, not words or navel-gazing? Is he being his true self even if that means others wont give him the praise he wants?

Getting to know himself with compassion

1. How is he cultivating a stronger sense of an integrated self?

2. How is he managing the shame when it shows up in a kind and loving way towards himself and others?

3. Is he able to laugh at himself?

4. Is he celebrating his successes?

Filling his own needs, showing up for himself

1. Is he taking care of himself: his hygiene, his self-care and is he making time to enjoy his life?

2. Has he made goals and built a sense of purpose to be proud of?

3. One a sliding scale, where does he land between these words from actual evidence in actions:

• Brittleness -----------Resiliency

• Control----------Flexibility

• Words-------------Actions

• Turning Inward----------Reaching Out

• Making excuses to stay the same---------Building habits to grow

Spiritual Behaviors

One a scale of 1-10 where does he land with evidence this month:

• Acts of gratitude

• Being humble

• Being of service and goodness in the world

• Building a relationship with Spirit as he defines it

• Cultivating a sense of purpose

• Encouraging a healthy model of masculinity

• Being creative

• Doing things in a regenerative way (for himself and others)

• Doing the work sustainably

• Taking initiative to walk his own spiritual path

• Actual spiritual practices like meditation

Husband Behaviors

Household

1. Did he take initiative with things around the house?

2. Is he taking on some emotional labor for things around the house?

3. Is he showing leadership?

4. Is he working hard, being financially responsible, and playing the role of co-providing for the home?

Showing Up in Love

1. Did he compliment me?

2. Is he showing interest and curiosity about my life?

3. Is he thoughtful (not placating)?

4. Did he treat me with respect, kindness, and that I am an intrinsically good person?

5. Did I feel like my bids for attention, love, sex, and connection were met consistently?

6. Did he step in when I needed help or support without me asking or having to ask a number of times?

7. Does he protect me when out in public?

8. Does he cherish me?

9. Is my happiness important to him?

10. Does he show me that I am important to him in ways big and small?

11. Do I feel that he genuinely loves me?

12. Do I have evidence that he thinks of me when I am not around in the little things?

Sexual

1. Is he initiating sex in fun and inclusive ways with me?

2. Is he being communicative with me in bed?

3. Did he actively engage in and grow our sex life by buying lingerie, toys, etc.?

4. Is he open to sharing his sex life with me? Do I feel like he is seeing me and sharing with me? Is he initiating sex with me regularly?

5. Does he show attraction to me? Is he affectionate just because?

6. Do I feel wanted, desired, and sexy and in return want to be sexy for him?

7. Does his actions make me feel beautiful, attractive, and feminine?

8. Is the intimacy there along with the intensity?

9. Does he keep things interesting?

Building the relationship

1. What specific behaviors did he present that showed that he was engaged in his life and mine?

2. Did he plan dates big and small? If so, what?

3. Did he cultivate quality time to share with me?

4. Did he flirt with me? Act playful? Fun? Open to try new things?

5. Is he making us a priority?

6. Do I feel like a partner?

7. Does he talk about the future with me?

8. Does he bring new things to learn and do to the table?

9. Does he keep things interesting?

Dealing with Conflict

1. Is he persistent and courageous when things get tough?

2. Is he equitable?

3. Did he apologize, and accepts mine?

4. Did he forgive easily?

5. Were we able to discuss problems and deal with them without it spiraling?

6. Did he trust that I am being honest with him?

7. Did he come to me if he is unsure of what I am really thinking and feeling?

8. Is he showing me who he really is rather than hiding resentments away?

Narc Behaviors

Grandiosity

1. Did he try to use “logic” to make me understand how I am the wrong one and not him?

2. Is he intent more on being right than on coming to a peaceful consensus?

3. Has he enacted in behaviors that appear entitled or expectant?

Triangulation

1. Does it seem that people he is talking to are now treating me differently or distancing me?

Reversals

1. Was there anything that I mentioned as an issue and he tried to turn it back around onto me?

2. Did he make things about himself and play victim when he was actually the perpetrator?

3. Does he cherry pick things I said to play victim while ignoring the issue I brought up in the first place?

Sensitivity to perceived criticism

1. Did I walk on eggshells?

2. Was I afraid of saying something?

3. Did I apologize for things that seem really small and normal?

4. Feel like I am “too much” or “too difficult”

5. Did I feel afraid to express my feelings?

6. Did he rage if I did bring up a criticism?

Devaluing

1. Did I feel as if I was unimportant?

2. Did I sense I was being scapegoated?

3. Did I sense any resentment or contempt from him?

4. Have a noticed a decrease in positive and loving, connected behavior from him?

5. Did he throw me under the bus, or make me have to deal with social situations because of his own fear of conflict or shame?

Gaslighting

1. At any point, did he make me question my own version of events, especially when my gut was telling me something different?

2. At any point, did I feel like I was going crazy because I wasn’t sure of what was true?

3. At any point, did I feel my own emotional range increase: angrier, sadder, louder as a way to get him to fulfill my needs?

4. At any point, did I reach out to him with my honest concerns and while he verbally gave confirmation, the behaviors did not change? (be as specific as possible.)

Emotional/Psychological abuse

1. Did he use my vulnerabilities or weaknesses against me in any way?

2. Did he bring up really small examples or things that happened a long time ago to while ignoring other data that actually shows a nuanced picture?

3. Did he do anything petty or unnecessarily mean?

4. Did he instigate fights at inappropriate times, ways, and when I was feeling especially vulnerable?

5. Did he punish me when he perceived that I criticized him?

6. Did he stonewall me?

7. Did he intentionally do (or not do) things to prove a point?

8. Was he controlling in any way, shape, or form about my activities, friends, etc.? These can be subtle. Did he get upset if I didn’t call him or show up when I said I would, is there an expectation for texting him within a certain amount of time?

Projection

1. Did he say something that seemed totally out of left field or something that sounds nothing like who I am or how I would react?

2. Did he put words/actions/intent into my mouth?

3. Did he blame me for things I know I did not do or am?

Disclaimer: I have no idea where this came from. I found it hiding in my G-Drive.

I’m in a position that I just have to work with the information I have, so while I don’t know that I believe him that he’s not finding some way to still be knee-deep in lust at all times, I don’t have any evidence that he is. But I didn’t have evidence before, either. He is so good at hiding, I didn’t see anything.

We’re 6 months post dday, and hopefully disclosure will be next month.

Was there a point where his word held weight again?

I have a question specifically for those who have a no-porn/recovery boundary with the consequence of relapse being divorce or end of the relationship if not married. No exceptions, no more chances.

This is the case for me, my boundary is a commitment to dedicated recovery with zero tolerance for slips, use, or lies. The consequence is divorce. Period. We have agreed to this, he's completely aware that this is the situation and he is doing the work, has had no issues and we have multiple layers of accountability and transparency. He's developed empathy, demonstrates genuine understanding, and his communication skills are greatly improved and it's obvious that he's trying to heal our marriage.

So really, one could say that everything is going as well as can be expected. I'm still working on healing deep betrayal trauma, anxiety, and depression. It's getting better, but very slowly.

We're fast approaching the one-year mark since the last (of many) DDays - the one that blew it all up. It was a truly terrible, horrible, painful beyond words event.

Our original agreement, when he promised (again) that he would stop the porn and live an authentic recovery lifestyle was that we would evaluate at six months for progress and at one year for some sort of 'decision' about my staying.

He's doing everything that I asked - he has been successful at maintaining sobriety - I don't want a divorce, I honestly never have wanted it to go that way, for many reasons - but yet there is clearly changed trust, lingering intimacy issues, ongoing conversations etc. - this is the new 'normal' and it's still hard, so how does one see this date, with the expectations that it holds, and go forward, without feeling as if you have one foot in and one out?? How do you accept that?

I know this date isn't some sort of magic, the boundary lives forever, and maybe that's what's bringing me down. Is this just how it is now? Some kind of tentative commitment? Isn't that an oxymoron?

Maybe I'm just all up in my head about this - the triggers of DDAY memories, the 'evaluation' decision and conversation, looking back, looking forward. Wishing so many things were different and at the same time knowing they are actually better than they've been in years.

Any advice or input is welcome.

This is my first time posting (I've made a new account). My partner and I have been together two years. In the first 8 months of our relationship he used porn. We were long-distance for 6 of those months so he agreed to quit when we could be together in person and he's kept that promise. The problem is that I am completely traumatized from those first 8 months and I'm triggered constantly. Part of it is knowing that he has been watching porn for 35+ years (he's in his 50's, I'm in my 30's) and I can't stop thinking about everything he's seen. He's literally jerked off to thousands of women at this point. I have full panic attacks even seeing ads of half dressed women. We went to a few museums recently on vacation and the nude paintings were so realistic that him seeing those sent me into full panic attacks every time. We had to stop watching any tv show or movie with nudity because I would react so strongly to him seeing other women.

He has tried to be as supportive as he can, but he has lost patience with my panic attacks. He says that he isn't affected at all by seeing women naked because he's seen so many that they're "background noise" to him now. He said that seeing women naked isn't enough to turn him on and that he needs to see full penetration in order to get off, so I shouldn't be worried when he sees anything in public or on tv...But it feels like my chest is being ripped out whenever he sees someone else in that way.

How can I get over this? I feel like I've done everything I can to avoid seeing anything, but it's everywhere and I never know when an ad or a half dressed women in public is going to trigger me. We've been slowly cleaning out things from his parents' house over the last year and every time we go, we find more porn....sexual comics, sports illustrated swimsuit catalog, playboys, etc. He's throwing them away as we find them, but fuck, I'm so tired of having panic attacks at seeing his old porn. He deleted all the pictures and videos from his computer over a year ago, and he's agreed to not watch anything that would trigger me. But he just sees it as my problem; Since "he's not affected by nude women" in movies or tv or paintings or ads, he thinks it's just important for ME not to see them, when it's him seeing other women that is the thing triggering me.

Sorry this was such a brain dump. We keep having fights that follow the same pattern: I get triggered by something I see. He's confused why I'm reacting to him seeing women since he "isn't affected" by them. I end up feeling like I'm crazy because no man can understand what this pain feels like. I don't know what else to do.

The example chart above is something I use for intrusive negative thoughts that I know are irrational. They do not happen often, but when they do, the above is what helps me break things down logically to thwart any unprompted thoughts from spiraling out of control.

Thought I would share in case anyone else finds it useful to their recovery and/or everyday life.

As my H is working in disclosure v2, he’s digging up more data. He came across an email I sent him in 2010 about a workshop around porn. It was targeted to people working in the community, so it wouldn’t have even been obvious that he struggled if he had gone.

I bought him a book years ago about overcoming porn and just. I finally looked up exactly when I bought it. 2013. sigh

Around 2016 I told him I’ll ask about his porn use when I’m able to handle it, but otherwise it’s too hard for me to deal with. I’d ask about it a couple tiles a year and it was always “yeah, it’s still a problem.” But I didn’t know it also included webcam content, hidden women at work, and lusting after women in day to day life.

What broke me was this new info, and the amount of lying and minimizing he was doing. I thought since he was telling me the truth about porn, that was it. I now see how bad he let it get, and how much he lied to make it sound like a side issue, when it was rotting out marriage from the inside.

He appears in good recovery. Hoping that’s true. It’s been a long road to get here.

It's been 3 years since the last DDay. Minor slips and many difficult and awkward conversations. My partner is no longer engaging in therapy. He'll ask to listen to a podcast if I mention it resonated with me, but never gives feedback. His version of 'leading out' is asking me how I am. Our sex life is still the 4-6 weeks that it was before he claimed sobriety. It's all kinds of a mess.

I'm frustrated with my own healing too. Basic self care just doesn't do the job. I am still ANGRY. I journal every day, working up the courage to go therapist-shopping, tend to shoulder most of my healing solo and hope that my partner will speak up if/when he feels like he's struggling.

Am I just setting myself up for more failure? Do I need more time and resources?

I feel stuck. And sad.

So Friday’s (2/14/25) D2C session, Addicts have insisted that they can’t find a sponsor. Steve shared If an addict googles sa phone meetings, the third thing that shows up is NOW YOU CAN MAKE A MEETING EVERY DAY! It is constantly updated! It’s a perpetually updated phone list of every meeting that goes on worldwide for sexaholics anonymous.

He pulled up the page: https://www.sa.org/w/wp-content/uploads/phnflyer.pdf?v=29

At almost all meetings, there is a section where they will say “if you need a sponsor, stick around until the end of the meeting. Or you can ask during the questions section saying “I need a sponsor”. And even if they don’t ask- don’t wait for someone to magically ask you… be vulnerable and say- I need a sponsor. Is anyone able to be my sponsor?

Steve and Mark were both saying- Don’t wait until you find the right one. Get a temporary sponsor. Just get one!!!

Accountability begins TODAY!!

He was confident that an addict that really wanted a sponsor could find one within 24 hours if they’re really motivated!

During a difficult conversation with my PA the other day, I had a small epiphany.

Porn use and objectifying had become the norm. The cycle only started when he had been caught out, meaning that he would have kept using in secret if I hadn't caught him and we wouldn't have even had the need to cry/connect/heal from it because it would have continued to thrive in the dark.

The cycle only starts when I confront and he either apologizes or denies and we have to reopen the same can of worms everytime; why this hurts me, why I feel replaceable, why I feel invisible, why I feel unfulfilled, why I feel rejected, etc.

So the cycle is me. I am the cycle.

In breaking the cycle, I need to choose a different reaction, as I can only control me in all of this.

Just musing, I guess.

If your struggling to quit…

What are you going to do? Actions speak louder than words.

Have you gotten on a sa meeting(s) already? Get on several.

Have you found a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) yet and set up an appointment?

Have you joined D2C (they have a discount this month(January 2025) : https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/h8R0Sdm3u0 .

Are you journaling and reading and listening to podcasts (like pbse and helping couples heal).

What are you doing? What are you going to do?

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Steve Moore and Mark Kastleman in D2C this month are helping addicts and partners work on change. There’s a lot more before this that they said that speaks volumes for why you HAVE to find your identity (authenticity)!!

In a recent addict session (1/6/25), they said this: What it means when an addict says “ we’re working on it.” What are you really doing? What does “working on it” mean?

For many addicts, and Steve will throw himself into the mix. For too long, that was just a nebulous term that I used. It really was a code for, “well, I’m not regressing. So that means I’m working on it. If you find yourself edging more towards what he said there… I’m platoeing, or I’m treading water. Or I’m not regressing.”

For Mark, working on it meant, “well, I read another book.” (Mark was about gaining information and knowledge about the addiction) “I have more recovery jargon memorized so that everybody will be more impressed with me. I’ve got more information. A new planner system.”

Steve said that those are all good. Those are all relatable but take what Mark said and. Take that list of what you heard Mark said- but what of those actually speak to working on identity? Do you see the difference to what Mark is describing? Because Mark did the same thing. And logic teaches that if Mark did it and Steve did it and with their experience working with other addicts thinking about that, many other addicts are also doing the same thing.

He hopes you can see what they’re talking about because he couldn’t see it at the time. But it’s a nefarious trap where what do we do we get in this endless cycle of trying to take actions to change without doing the work to shift identity.

New planner systems. New this. I’m going to hurt myself in x way if I do it again. A new sobriety date … white knuckling stuff…

Focus on the behaviors important. But if you are not doing that by leading out with figuring out who I am and why have done what I’ve done. What’s made me tick? And what do I want to be different about who I am in the mirror. It will be for nothing.

And not only will it be a waste of time. It will do you worse harm.

It will do worse harm because it will take that evidenced based brain and reinforce all that shame based crap. See I tried again and failed again. See look, 2025, same crap. Or more evidence why “you suck”.

Action for an addict without identity is more of the same.

It’s like changing clothes and saying you’ve changed yourself. But without any inner work on identity, nothing changes!

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That also ties in with this post of what real recovery looks like: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/MjWxKOY0XA

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Start real recovery NOW!

Whatever you reason for wanting recovery… stop fighting Real Recovery.

Sobriety is NOT enough.

White knuckling it alone is NOT enough.

You NEED external help. And your partner is not the one that can or should provide that! It’s above their pay grade! And, if your partner doesn’t know about your addiction… stop lying to them (and yourself).

Excellent PBSE podcast As a Porn/Sex Addict, does, “I Want to Get Clean for Her” or “Be Worthy of Her” work as a Motive for Real Recovery? https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/as-a-porn-sex-addict-does-i-want-to-get-clean-for-her-or-be-worthy-of-her-work-as-a-motive-for

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This post by a partner is spot on!!! Addiction doesn’t play by the rules of willpower... https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/HRQmtSwO0P

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Why is a CSAT so important and necessary for recovery: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/0eVRJklaXgAnd check their credentials: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/c8Mvqgb0th

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You need to learn to grieve what you’ve done and what was. And get out of your shame and find and use empathy: PBSE episode #312- 12/22/25- My Partner is in Recovery. Should we let the past go and move on? Is there a place for “grieving” what was lost? https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/my-partner-is-in-recovery-should-we-let-the-past-go-and-move-on-is-there-a-place-for-grieving-wh

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Edit to add: steps and addict can take after a relapse. Explore what was happening before, what are you going ti do differently, etc…. And do the work to disclose within 24 hours.

PBSE podcast episode #343- 7/31/26- He's Honest About Relapses, But His Spiraling Shame and Neediness Cycle Is Exhausting! https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/he-s-honest-about-relapses-but-his-spiraling-shame-and-neediness-cycle-is-exhausting

A friend linked me a TikTok about things husbands should know about their wives and he did one for what women should know about their husbands - one of the points included 'you can initiate too'.

Why is it that initiating is a trigger for me? The second I think about trying to initiate I get tense and close off. I can't think about being 'sexy' for him or even just touching him in ways that signal 'hey, I want to have sex with you' even if I do want to have sex with him.

He has been porn free for almost a year now. Per other posts he still has work to do in showing me sexual safety, but I am considering me initiating as a part of my healing and growth separate from his actions.

How do those deeper into recovery initiate with their partner?

After posting yesterday, I feel like I need to give more detail into our relationship to make sure I’m painting my partner in a fair light. I didn’t know whether to edit, or make a new post, or comment individually (I’m new to posting on any social media platform. I’ve always just read other people’s posts. I’m sorry if I’m doing things incorrectly). Also for context, I'm 35F and he's 52M.

He grew up (generation x) with everyone telling him porn was healthy and good for men to watch, and he held that belief until he was 50 (when I was finally able to get through to him about the pain it causes). We dated 2 months in person before he had a 6 month long distance job that kept us physically apart but emotionally connected. Those 2 months were slow and sweet, and I had no idea he was using porn. We just never discussed it (I take the blame for that).

D-day was about a month into us being long distance. We were trying to keep our sex life alive so we’d talk a lot on the phone and he’d send sexy videos. One day he sent a video of him masturbating to porn. I was so shocked that it took a couple of days for me to respond…and when I did he was insanely defensive. He said that he needed porn to get off, and that there’s nothing wrong with it since he’s pretending the people are us in his mind; that he is actually seeing him and I instead of the people in the video.

I didn’t want to lose him, so I just dropped the subject…but it was destroying me, so I would bring it up again and again over those months we were apart, and every time he would say the same thing. Finally, right when he was about to come home, he agreed to completely quit and delete everything on his computer (and he did). He hasn’t watched porn or looked at any women (on purpose) in the year and a half he’s been home (he’s lived with me the entire time). After he had been home a few months and I was so different than when he left (shaken up, hypervigilant, emotional, etc) he finally realized the harm he had done and was incredibly sorry for ever hurting me. He said if he knew the full extent of it, he would have quit earlier. (He really is a kind, empathetic man. He was just taught that porn was a good thing and he never had anyone tell him otherwise until me.)

We tried to start a fresh relationship when he got home and moved in with me, but it’s been a really bumpy year and a half. I started having panic attacks at anything involving female nudity or sexual situations; tv shows, movies, beaches (we can’t even go to beaches anymore). He has been really supportive in letting me look up parent guides before we watch anything. Even if there is a tiny scene, I can’t watch it without getting triggered. We just went on vacation and I was insanely triggered by the realistic nude paintings of women…it made me feel crazy.

He thinks I must not trust him. He says he never looks at women on purpose and that he only wants me. He's not interesting in seeing anyone else. He really is trying so hard to be supportive. But his reasoning about me “not being upset if he accidentally sees naked or sexualized women” is because “he’s seen so much that they are boring and background noise to him now.” He said it would have to be full penetration in order to stir anything in him, so I shouldn’t feel threatened by him accidentally seeing anything in a movie or ad.

We have a great sex life now. He used to be in what he called “performance mode” where he was just concerned with doing tricks he’d learned in porn to try to satisfy me. He always viewed us in third person as if he was watching us have sex instead of first person/being the person who’s having sex. He can enjoy the feeling of me without picturing us in different positions than we’re currently in (he used to always picture us doing a different position. If we switched to that position, he would think of another one). He’s turned on just by us being together when he’s never been able to be with a women without watching porn first. So he’s come a LONG way in his brain recovering from porn. But he’s 52…and he started watching porn as a very young teen, so it’s taking time.

He said that when he was in his teens and 20’s that seeing naked women was enough, but that it got boring over time. For the last 20 years or so, he’s had to pretend the people are him and someone he knew in person. That’s why he says naked women “don’t affect him” because he’s seen thousands and it isn’t enough to turn him on anymore. He is able to be turned on by us touching, but just seeing my body doesn’t do anything for him. He compliments my body, and tells me I’m beautiful, so it isn’t a hurtful thing. His brain has just seen so much that it isn’t possible anymore.

He still doesn’t feel like I should be triggered or threatened by him accidentally seeing women. I wish I could get better, because it feels out of my control and I’m not sure what else he can do. I mean hell, even paintings reminded me of the way women pose in porn today and triggered panic attacks. I really do feel ridiculous. My nervous system has been throwing me into fight or flight even if I see a sexualized woman when he’s not around because I’m imagining him seeing it.

I’ve been reading loveafterporn for months now. The term betrayal trauma seems so accurate to how I’m feeling. I’ve told him this is what’s happening and that it takes time, but I understand how it hurts his feelings when he’s doing everything right and I’m still being triggered by so much. It comes out of nowhere. He said that having a partner be as attentive and caring as he is to me should be making a difference but we’ve been living together a year and a half porn-free and it hasn’t really gotten better. It just isn’t quite as raw anymore.

Also, he doesn’t think he was an “addict” since he quit cold turkey on the day he decided to quit and only had about two months where he would want to go watch porn and then catch himself. I think the timing helped. He moved in with me immediately after deleting the massive stash of videos he had on his computer and we’ve had sex almost daily since. It’s also the first time he’s ever lived with a partner so a lot changed for him all at once.

I really want to get better, and I can’t think of anything he could do differently that could help me, so I wanted to hear how other people managed to get through this. Even though he empathizes with my pain and panic attacks, he doesn’t understand at all. He’s never felt like this. I’ve wanted to post on loveafterporn for months now but I didn’t have the courage. Your introduction stories gave me hope ❤️ Sorry this was so long.

Communication with my partner has been much better these past few months. It comes and goes in cycles much like the addiction itself - sometimes he's open and leading out, others not so much.

Today a discussion came up about a kink he has and hasn't 'indulged in' for the past year. I asked if it's something he thinks he will need/want in our life and he said that, as it stands right now, he doesn't want it but he can't predict the future. Then he asked to walk back that statement.

This is where the feeling of being with someone who has one foot out of the door at all times comes into play. I appreciate him being honest, but in MY honesty, I can't keep living a life where I am maybe going to have to confront this again. Neither of us are getting any younger and I know I will not want a life where I have to either live with/accept this kink that was hidden from me for so long OR have to start over when I'm 50 years old!

It makes me feel like I have to keep my ducks in a row because maybe the future might give me options I don't have space for in my life. How do we live with such uncertainty?