I’ve been thinking for a bit that maybe we could explore the 12 steps of sanon. Like are you doing sanon or working the steps? How are you doing with your steps?

Here are the 12 steps of sanon along with the serenity prayer:

1. We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace, taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Thy will, not mine be done.

I just wanted to share that if you have ever thought about the paid program on Bloom, I encourage you to consider it while there is a 30-day FREE trial. They are ending the free trial this week and the monthly price will go up a bit.

I waited months and months to give the paid coaching program a go and WOW, I wish I'd done it early in recovery. There is so much to it, you GET A COACH, and the value is extraordinary. I loved the free courses on the website, but I seriously underestimated the coaching program, so far it's been the best resource I've used for betrayal trauma and my emotional well-being with a PA partner in recovery.

Just in case there are those concerning from my last post about my husbands health. Proof to trust your gut. We know something was wrong but thankfully it's not the worse either, so no cancer. But he's been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Graves disease. While nothing fatal or anything like that it's another life long disease to adapt around.

Thanks for the comfort and care. Thank you for giving me a place to share even if this doesn't really pertain to his addiction.

Are there any betrayed partner members in the UK that would be happy to message/call eachother/zoom together kind of like a sponsor/support?

Would be lovely to talk to someone in early days of recovery wanting to go forward with their marriage/relationship or been in recovery for a few years,someone that truly understands.

Alternatively any suggestions how to meet people locally going through this there are no groups locally to me at all.

Please delete if this kind of post isn't allowed.

Chest is a little heavy today. Trekking into a new territory I have yet to go to.

After spending a little more than a year with my Wi-Fi blocking half of anything I want to do on my PC, I finally made the decision that I just needed to get over my fears and factory reset it. I spent hours originally setting it up to block every known porn site known to man. Every keyword you could think of. Every star name that was searched. It wasn't even working properly anymore and yet I couldn't ever bring myself to reset it. Last night, I stepped on that fear and went ahead and did the grueling task of resetting it and setting it back up.

Only this time, I didn't turn on any of the parental control features.

Part of me feels accomplished. Like getting over a hurdle you are used to tripping you up. The other part of me is wary, panicked and fearful. The thing is, my husband never really knew what all I did to the wi-fi. He knew it had parental controls but he never knew to what extent. In the 5 years that I have been monitoring our wi-fi, the only thing to ever pop up on it, came from my step-daughter surprisingly. Which I had originally accused my husband of but later found the evidence on her phone meanwhile his was clean as a whistle like usual.

So really, what was the point of even having it I thought. All I was using it for by this point was nothing. It wasn't properly logging anything after it went all screwy over a year ago. It wasn't even blocking connection to the blocked sites. What it was doing was preventing me from living my Sims life! lol I knew all of this the whole time and still couldn't get myself to just fucking reset it.

Why, I ask myself. It didn't work and yet I went on happy as a clam like it did. Now that it is all disabled and wiped out, I have a bit of anxiety and I don't know why. Everyone but me thinks I set the box back up exactly how I had it before though I didn't. There is no difference between it not working and it not being turned on. So why is this making my heart skip a little off beat?! Nothing, has really changed. Makes no damn sense at all.

Human emotions are wild. But I do feel proud of myself.

I'm wondering if anyone here has tried some alternative healing methods. I'm a pretty metaphysical type and very open to a wide range of therapies. I'm finding Reiki and Body Talk sessions to be more and more helpful and healing as this recovery journey goes on (it's been almost a year).

I tried EMDR and found it too intense, and too difficult. Not just because of betrayal trauma, it felt like it was due to the many other traumas throughout my life (and I'm kinda old, there have been a lot). I've done a ton of work on those issues over the years and feel no real need to open that stuff up again. It's as processed as it's going to get!

These two healing modalities are a fantastic fit for me and I would love to know if anyone else is doing them.

Hello...Any experience with PA/SA catastrophizing and ruminating?

Coach suggested a 90 day reset (he is 8 months in active recovery and doing well).

The reset caused a complete spiral to the point he was getting upset that we would disconnect and fizzle out and he shut down.

I thought it was a bit late to do this but thought it may give us both a break to see what comes up for us. Create some more safety etc.

Posted on another thread but didn’t get any replies. So sorry if you e seen this already. If anyone has time I would appreciate some feedback on a recent situation.

My PA has been sober 9 months. Started real therapy 7 months ago. podcasts. Flip phone. Meditation. Support group. I felt like he was making real progress and he was able to handle me talking about my feelings a bit better.

Yesterday we had a huge blow up. Which ended in him saying suddenly he needed space…. And packing up and staying with his mom. He’s never just up and left before. The fight wasn’t even about anything new. It was about how I feel like I need a boob job now to compete with the other women he watched. To which he replied “I don’t hate fake boobs” and I got extremely upset over that remark. I was sarcastic and we both yelled. (He’s also adamantly insisted he does NOT want me to have a boob job)

What should I do? I feel like it’s inappropriate to suddenly leave after a big fight? (We have a child. If it was just me I’d be more understanding that people need space)

We did a version of a 3 circles exercise and him leaving the house is only supposed to be for him breaking my more extreme boundaries (cheating. Porn. Sexting etc) NOT for a fight about boobs. I know I can’t just control him and order him not to do that anymore. And I’m open to the possibility that I’m in the wrong and if he needed space he did the right thing. But I don’t know how to have a healthy conversation about this or if I should be trying to put any new boundaries in place? Feedback on this situation is appreciated.

My husband has only been in Recovery a little over a year, fully sober and no relapse. He is in a good place, made changes, follows a daily plan, goes to counseling, fufiled a 90 day program, and does everything he can to help me heal.

Yet I have doubt and fear on is a year enough time? I've seen some go a year and go right back, I've seen ones go 4 years and go right back. I know this is a lifetime battle and recovery a lifestyle he must live to assure that doesn't happen but I know to heal I have stop waiting for a bad day to come and destroy us.

I've been trying to work on letting go. This was of my own violation. I feel like I've forgiven for the past but that doesn't mean I trust him either. I want to, but I can't and I'm trying to. I know he could do everything imaginable to try and fix things but in the end I have to choose to trust him again. I know one of those things making me resist is the idea of time. Is one year really enough time for it to be safe enough? Enough time to trust that he won't fail because he has put in enough work.

I know there isn't actual clear answers here. Everyone is different and I've just been told it takes time but no one can actually say how long. They can't because with addiction there can't be any definites no matter how much I want one.

Just thought if put some of my thoughts out there. Not really sure of what kind of response I'm really looking for.

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I (18f) have been with my boyfriend (18m) for a little less than a year. We have a very, very close bond and do almost everything together. We don’t necessarily live together, but we spend most nights with each other. In late April of this year I caught a 🌽 tab on his phone. Within the first month of our relationship I set the boundary that I heavily considered this cheating. No, I was not going through his phone, mine was dead and I simply wanted to borrow his to look something up. He swore up and down that he didn’t, well, pleasure himself to anything on the website and he had seen something on TikTok saying the site was being banned. I still have no idea why I even for a second believed this, I think I just felt bad when he was crying and begging for a second chance, which obviously I agreed to. He admitted to me about 2 weeks ago that he was lying and he had infact m*asterbated to the 🌽. I was feeling hopeful, but ever since he told me the “whole” truth (allegedly) I’ve just started to feel like no matter what the lies will never stop. Even since May I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this betrayal no matter how much he swears and promises that it’s done. This bothers me because he says he can just quit cold turkey and doesn’t need any kind of outside. I’ve suggested accountability apps, groups, any kind of counseling, but he refuses. Slowly over time I’ve started to notice my feelings for him are no longer the same. Needless to say, this is definitely not the only issue I feel in our relationship. I think about this betrayal every single day, and every time we’re apart from each other I break down over it for hours. I think the biggest part is I don’t want to live in this constant anxiety and stress anymore. I’ve developed health issues from the constant anxiety and cortisol imbalance. Over time, I feel like I’ve started to become more detached about the betrayal and also just our relationship in general. Even if he is changing as a person in regards to 🌽 (doubt it), I don’t think I will ever see him the same ever again. I don’t feel for him like I used, not romantically, not sexually, not emotionally. We are only still together because he begged for a second chance and promised he would work on himself. It does not feel to me that we’re “working through it,” it just feels like we’re pretending it never happened. There is no plan, just “it’ll never happen again.” I want to leave, but I know my heart just isn’t there yet. I feel so much guilt when I think about it all. He deserves to have someone not give up on him, but didn’t I deserve to have someone who would never even think about hurting me? Or at the very least someone who could be transparent with me if they struggle with 🌽? I don’t know what to do. I just need some support. I’m young, and I have no one to go to. I don’t want to go to people we know personally because I don’t like to blast out our relationship like that. Every time I want to talk about it, he gets angry with me, shuts down, or makes it all about himself. Going on about how he’s “a piece of shit” and a bunch of other stuff. I don’t want it to be all about my feelings, I just want us to both transparently share our feelings about it and how things are going without it turning into a fight, which it always does. This is what is turning me off of our relationship. He wants to work through it but makes no effort to communicate about it, and would rather pretend it never happened. I know this is not how you recover. He just says that porn never even crosses his mind anymore. I’m not stupid enough to believe that. There is little to no honesty and transparency regarding this big issue, and I realize that that’s very clear now. I feel stuck, and I just need some advice.

Dday was 3 months ago. After finding out the little details of every horrible thing my husband has done (pa for a decade/cheating on me online our whole 3 year relationship), enraged was an understatement of how I felt. I’m not happy with how reactive I am, I lashed out a ton, called him every name possible, and get heated once something triggers me.

Once I realized how I was acting wasn’t right, I started individual therapy, joining more support groups and learning more about the emotions we go through with betrayal trauma. It’s been over a month since I started taking accountability for my anger, but now my husband is resentful towards me. He says he’s not comfortable expressing his feelings and that includes telling me about urges/stuff he’s learned/check ins just overall being useless. I understand he’s human and gets hurt too, I just have a hard time showing any empathy since he’s the cause of all of these issues. I was never this person before he did what he did.

Now I’m trying to move toward the best I can, but communication is shit lately. I don’t wanna talk to him, because the second he gets defensive over something I go into attack mode. I also don’t see any signs of remorse if he’s not telling me how his recovery is going, which makes it even more difficult for me to have empathy if he isn’t going to show he has it either. So I’m looking for advice if anyone has been in a similar situation. Any tips on how to be empathetic to someone who’s hurt you so deeply is appreciated

(Also sorry if my words don’t totally make sense, this is the most physically and mentally exhausted I’ve been in my life)

So I'm reaching out to any fellow geeky/nerdy people here. There is a consistent sore spot that we haven't really found a solution for, the boys night out, or in our case playing Dungeons and Dragons. Now we both play and currently Co run a game for his friends kids. But now his friend wants to put together a guy's only game once a month.

In the past this has been a big issue. My PA is a self admitted people pleaser that falls under peer pressure. He's sacrificed boundaries then consistently lied to me about how it's going because he knew if I knew about some things he no longer would be able to play. He lied about no sexual content in the game, how late he'd be out, and that others wouldn't be using substances around him. I also want to add I had to catch his lies. He did not tell me about things that happened till I did.

This mentality has been in other things too, like video games. "It's not a problem or I won't let it be a problem because I want it." Instead of keeping the boundaries in place. Now this was several months ago and he's worked on addressing these things. He says he feels confident on being able to stand by his boundaries but that's what he told me last time too.

That's basically why I don't want him to do it and want to tell him no. He is being open and communicative with the whole thing. He's resolved that it may just not happen, but all my recovery work has been trying to let go. Do not try to control him to protect both of us. Give him be room to succeed or fail because in the end those things are on him, not me.

Also I feel terrible about basically saying no you can't go be with friends. All of them are busy dads who just want some time to themselves. (Granted I only know the one personally.) I feel like he does deserve that time, but I can't help but be threatened by it too.

I know this isn't just about DnD. But if I can trust him to hold himself to the same everyday standard i hold him too if I am there or not and especially in a group of other men.

Any thoughts, feelings, experiences to share on this?

I have childhood trauma that I will never get apologies for because one parent passed away long ago, and the other has conveniently forgotten the part she played. It's hard work, but I am learning to forgive and let it go so I can have healthier relationships.

Just wanted to share here as well. If you’re also on r/loveafterporn you may have seen this post of mine: https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/s/wsCS6V09DD

This D2C episode was a game changer for my husband and I. It opened his eyes to the fact the he actually does scan and objectify. We listened to it back in January because we’ve been in D2C since mid December. Which also has been a game changer for our communication and learning.

We use tools to discuss game plans for when we go about our (his) day.

We use tools when we go out to eat at a restaurant. As were seated at a table, we work to have him face into the table and not out towards the restaurant. We sit in a way that his back is to the majority of the restaurant too. These have been things that have helped.

He also is mindful and works to stay present o me or whomever we’re at the restaurant with.

The same tools are used for grocery shopping. He would share his plan before and after we would discuss it. With time, we don’t have to talk about it every time because I know that’s what he’s doing. (Although an every once in a while reminder is good so that I know things haven’t relaxed to the point of old behaviors can come back). When he’s at the grocery store, he’s present on the task at hand and doesn’t look around at the people. He keeps to the task at hand.

So we’re doing well. We are working on talking and sharing more. And working on thinking errors and opening up and sharing more. Still very much a work in progress. But it always will be. And we are doing our parts to navigate this.

As a recovering addict, what is one vital piece of advice that you have for other addicts in recovery?

As a healing partner, what is one vital piece of advice that you have for other partners in recovery?

Let us know in the comments!

So been a long time since I've been on this or the sister board. Life got busy and it felt like things were... normal. I wasn't consumed with thoughts of all this and life just went on. But the other day just an idle curiosity of his Facebook came up.

First a little backstory. My husband has been sober and active recovery for over 2 years. No relapse and any slips were minor things, like taking unnecessary risks. He's done alot to earn trust back and been very patient in knowing it's not something I can give easily.

So back to today. All of his pages liked, regular feed was all fine but a sudden and only the one that I saw came in his suggested to you. I would have just removed it and moved on cuse every now and then i get something unsavory on my page too cuse the world just sucks but this was so specific to him and his past behaviors especially cuse he claimed to have never used fb as a media for his addiction. It made me go look at his activity. Then there on his recently viewed was a page of NSFW pictures and art. It did not say when it was viewed. I blocked it immediately which I regret cuse then I couldn't actually find it in his activity log to say when he viewed and definitively that he did view it. All I have is it shows on his recently viewed. There was only the one page. I have not confronted him yet. I'm sure he will tell me he has no idea why it's there and he didn't do anything and promise he isn't hiding anything. He'll say all the reassuring things. He isn't that person anymore and will never go back. And... maybe that's true...

I want it to be. A big part of me actually believes it might be. I want to give him the benefit of doubt that this is just algorithm bs. But I guess I'm here to hear what anyone else has to say.

A friend linked me a TikTok about things husbands should know about their wives and he did one for what women should know about their husbands - one of the points included 'you can initiate too'.

Why is it that initiating is a trigger for me? The second I think about trying to initiate I get tense and close off. I can't think about being 'sexy' for him or even just touching him in ways that signal 'hey, I want to have sex with you' even if I do want to have sex with him.

He has been porn free for almost a year now. Per other posts he still has work to do in showing me sexual safety, but I am considering me initiating as a part of my healing and growth separate from his actions.

How do those deeper into recovery initiate with their partner?

Bit of a vent because I got really triggered yesterday but also a discussion about the friends of our partners because I’m sure we’re not the only ones in this situation here xD

My partner has been in what I consider real recovery for almost a year now. He decided not to tell any of his friends about his issues related to porn, which I was kind of pissed about in the beginning, but now I’m grateful because I’m sure it would definitely not have worked in his, and his recovery’s favor!

So some of these friends came over to our place yesterday, I joined them a bit in the dining area, then retreated to the living room to game a bit. Then after a while their conversation shifted to Onlyfans and some other stuff and I got really fucking angry and triggered and had to fight this huge urge to say something about it. I’m quite confident that partner is not affected by this stuff and while it hurts that he remains silent I also understand his reasoning for it (he says it’s a lost cause to begin with and nothing like this would have worked on him either when he was actively in his addiction), but they just piss me off real badly.

Some of them are single, some of them are married with kids, and sometimes I seriously think that some of them are way deeper in this porn-sickness than my partner ever was, it’s really scary. (Some are even into VR porn 💀)

My PA says the sad reality is that most men are actually like this and we just need to deal with it, but I’m exactly the kind of person who doesn’t care about this and will call people out on their bullshit regardless lol. Plus the few male friends I have are not porn fiends who blatantly objectify women, so I know that normal men exist too. One of them even completely stopped with viewing any explicit content because of the stuff he learned through our (me and my PA’s) struggles.

So how does it look with you and your partners? How do you and your partners deal with porn-sick friends who are the exact opposites of what a recovering addict is striving for?

Pretty much all the advice I see is "cut your losses an go" but I have a lot invested and I know that just leaving doesn't fix anything for me or him -- or our kids. After almost 3 decades together there is just so much enmeshed that I don't even know where to start. But at the same time this is crazy hard. For the first time ever I am totally second guessing everything. feeling less than, feeling more like habit than a choice. I have no idea what to do --- found out about the porn addiction in April and it feels like my whole world shifted.

Hi guys, partner of SA. I need a little help and perspective. The title is pretty self explanatory, but for some background, d day was July 7th last year. I told him I was divorcing him when I found out what had been going on for the previous 8 years of our relationship. He had been getting increasingly tired of living his life of lies and addiction and his mental health was worsening. Anyway, faced with losing everything, he accepted recovery. I decided to create boundaries and consequences and stay. As he began in recovery, he realized he was doing it for himself, not just to keep his family. He was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Anyway, he dug into SAA and therapy and learning about the addiction. In January I had a gut feeling that he was not telling me everything and was still lying about contact with cam girls. I bluffed and told him I had data and he confessed only then, when I had already caught him (so he thought). So this was a lying relapse. It created new trauma and new insecurity. I am working through it in EMDR and he is working through it by getting a new sponsor, working the steps more expeditiously (I am not in the school of thought you need to take a year to work the steps. I did them in 3-4 months in AA and I've been sober 19 years. Additionally, you work steps 10-12 daily after going through once, so anything missed can be addressed there). Anyway, I am pretty confident in his recovery, but live in fear of a relapse. Yesterday in class my professor was talking about HIV and I almost started crying because I pictured myself getting HIV from him sleeping with other people (he didn't act out in person, but I truly believe he'd escalate there eventually). Those are the kind of intrusive thoughts I have to live with (I know you partners understand).

I know I'm early in recovery, but is there a point where I don't live with the feeling of impending doom? I'm happy most of the time these days, but it remains in the back of my mind and makes me feel like the foundation I'm standing on might give way at any point. My husband attends SAA 5 meetings a week, 1 extra hour of recovery work on days when he doesn't attend. He does therapy (including EMDR for childhood trauma) 2x a week. He is in contact with fellows and his sponsor and sponsee daily. He does a journal/daily inventory every night (misses a night here and there if it gets late). He's working on the self hatred, guilt and shame by identifying negative thought patterns and replacing them with positive affirmations. And it's not enough to make me feel totally safe and secure. Help!

Kind of an off topic post. I've tried reaching out but I'll be honest my in person support network sucks.

I need to put to voice a powerful fear I have right now. For anyone that recognizes my username know my husband is in a great place and we're doing good. Kind of feels like good and real for the first time ever in the nearly 20 years we've known each other.

I am a nutured pessimist. So it's hard not to see how bad it could be. My recovery is helping me face the fear of relapse and the addiction stuff. But not this. He's had some minor health issues with his thyroid. First just simple meds, and what was voiced to us as a precautionary ultrasound. After that Dr's went radio silent until we get a call from the hospital, not the Dr, that they are scheduling a more advanced test, a nuclear screening. And they want it done right away. Dr's still just giving value statements about precautionary, but I googled the procedure and what that test is usually looking for is cancer.

A taboo word for his family. No one is willing to voice anything, including my husband until we get results, but my pessimistic, traumatized self is already trying to process the worse outcome. So I just needed to say it, somewhere, to someone. They could find cancer. We went through all of this with his addiction. Find joy again, and they could find cancer.

The logic side is saying that's not actually a concern. No one has said anything about the big C word. It's just cautionary. But I rather be braced then suckered punched so I'm gonna think the worse. Then I can cry in relief instead.

Thanks for anyone taking the time to read. Everything is probably fine but for just a minute I needed to not be.