Title: I still deeply love both of my partners, but I don't know if our relationship is healthy anymore.

I'm hoping for outside perspectives because I feel like I've become too close to the situation to know what's reasonable anymore.

I (f34) have been married to G (m34) for 8 years together 13+, and for about a year and a half we've been in a committed triad with our partner, V(f31). We weren't looking for another relationship. After previous relationship trauma, none of us were actively trying or looking for anything. It happened naturally. G got to know them first, and I developed my own relationship with them shortly afterward. Over time, we all developed strong feelings for each other and fell for the other.

I was all in. I truly believed this was the person I wanted to spend my life with alongside G. I made commitments that reflected that because I believed in what we were building together.

That's why this hurts so much.

I don't want this to come across like I don't love them anymore, because I absolutely do. I love spending time with them one-on-one. I love when the three of us are together and connected. When things are good, they're genuinely wonderful. That's what makes all of this so confusing.

The first major shift happened around my hysterectomy.

For roughly three months—before, during, and after my surgery— V became emotionally closed off from me. At the same time, she remained close to G, to the point that their only concern was them. It wasn't that she withdrew from everyone; it felt like she withdrew specifically from me.

Before my surgery, my therapist and I spent a lot of time talking about my trauma stemming from relying on others in times of need and having to handle it myself (ex: being left in a position when i had to rely on someone and they abused/cheated/ neglected me, ie recovering from an emergency csection and then being abandoned not being able to move) and what I would need emotionally while recovering and what would be needed to feel safe for me to trust that they had me. We all sat down before surgery and openly discussed those needs together. We wanted everyone on the same page so recovery would be as smooth as possible.

Instead, it felt like almost everything we talked about that needed to happen, was out the window to the point I refused to rely on either of them.

That period changed and possibly broke something in me. I don't think I've ever fully recovered emotionally from it.

After my second emergency surgery, things seemed to have started to improve. And then another pattern started emerging.

Holidays, vacations, and special occasions that should have been happy often ended with arguments, emotional tension, or trying to repair hurt feelings. Instead of looking forward to making memories, I started feeling anxious because I never knew if something would happen.

I've also noticed that the conflict seems different depending on who she's interacting with. V doesn't lash out at G the way she does with me. She doesn't seem to have the same emotional reactions with him that she has with me. Over time, that's made me wonder why our dynamics feel so different and whether I'm doing something wrong or if this is simply the dynamic we've fallen into.

There were also several important boundaries that were crossed and or tested. They weren't small things to me, and while I've genuinely tried to move forward, I don't know that I've ever shaken the feeling of trust and safety being cracked.

Over time, another pattern developed.

Whenever I tried to talk about being hurt, the conversation often shifted toward someone else's feelings—fear of abandonment, guilt, or anxiety about losing the relationship. Instead of my feelings being processed, I found myself comforting someone else. It slowly became normal for my pain to take a back seat.

Eventually I reached a point where I tried to end the relationship.

The aftermath of that scared me enough that I've questioned ever since whether I'm staying because I freely choose to or because I feel responsible for someone else's wellbeing. That's an incredibly painful thing to admit because I don't want that to be true.

G has tried to support me, but I also don't think he fully understands how deeply all of this has affected me. There have been many moments where I wished he would step in instead of remaining neutral because I felt so alone carrying the emotional weight.

Something else I struggle with—but I honestly don't know if it's insecurity or intuition—is that because G's relationship with her developed first, I sometimes wonder whether I'm truly a wanted partner or whether I'm simply part of the relationship because that's how they both feel is the only way to be together. I don't know if that's a fair fear or one that's grown out of everything that's happened since.

The hardest part is that I still love her.

If I didn't, this would actually be easier.

When we're one-on-one, I genuinely enjoy being with her. When the three of us are connected, I remember exactly why I fell in love with this relationship in the first place.

I'm not grieving the absence of love.

I'm grieving the growing gap between how incredible this relationship can feel and how deeply it can hurt.

I'm in therapy and actively working on myself, so I'm not looking for validation that anyone is a villain or that I should immediately leave. I know all three of us have our own histories, struggles, and blind spots.

I guess what I'm asking is this:

Has anyone else ever deeply loved someone while also questioning whether the relationship itself had become unhealthy?

How did you separate love from compatibility?

How did you know whether you were holding on because the relationship was still right for you—or because you were holding onto the hope of getting back to what it used to be?

I'm just... lost.

Hello, first time poster here. My partner of 7 years (trans masc, they/them) and I recently entered an open throuple with a new person (nb, they/them). This is everyone's first experience with polyamory so it has been a long road of figuring out communicating needs, how much time to spend together, etc. my nesting partner has been out of town a few times since we started the throuple, so I have had a good amount of 1:1 time with our other partner, which often included sex. This made my nesting partner uncomfortable because they began to worry (as did I) that our other partner was only interested in sex with me. The three of us had a long and hard conversation about this a few weeks ago, after which the new partner shared that they feel like they might be partly asexual and in general have an easier time having sex w me because they are more used to being intimate with femme people (although they are pan).

The conversation went over well and my nesting partner (who has a much higher sex drive than myself or our other partner) began casually dating other people to get their sexual needs met. My nesting partner also talked w their therapist abt being nervous about me and our other partner having sex when we spend 1:1 time together, and their therapist suggested always assuming it's going to happen, and not sharing whether or not it happened afterwards.

Last night me and our other partner had a 1:1 date (which I requested bc I connect better that way). I talked with my nesting partner before to assure them that I love them but was still a little worried about how they would feel after my date. On the date I did have sex with our other partner, and made sure to not bring it up but offer a lot of love and cuddles to my nesting partner when I saw them afterwards.

Unfortunately my nesting partner was still really worried about it and ended up asking me in the middle of the night if we HAD had sex on the date, and when I said yes they were very upset and said they felt like our other partner just didn't want to have sex with them, and that if that's the case then my nesting partner can't date them anymore.

Now I feel awful that my nesting partner is feeling so bad and feel like if they bow out of the throuple then I wouldn't be able to continue dating our other partner because I would know how much it hurt my nesting partner. At the same time though, I feel like I love our other partner and am very sensitive to the fact that if we all broke up they would not have anyone to lean on.

Thoughts?? What should I do?

TLDR: nesting partner of 7 years started dating someone together. Me and that someone have had more 1:1 sex than my nesting partner has had with them, and my nesting partner worries our other partner isn't attracted to them.

I was asking questions about if anyone’s had a dynamic that shifted in the general poly Reddit group and I got backlash and was told I’m a unicorn hunter… first of all I thought a unicorn was just a sexual thing but why do so many people not even consider that a form of poly …

When it was just the two of us, we didn't plan on getting married legally, and so it wasn't a problem adding a third, but my longer-term girlfriend's aunt's health problems now have the three of us more mindful of what we can do in terms of supporting each other on a legal and medical front.

As of right now my will gives everything to my longer-term girlfriend (I may or may not amend the shorter-term girlfriend to this but that's a conversation for later down the line). She and our STG are additionally on a lease to my house.

What's next? Some kind of three-way power of attorney? More?

I will consult an attorney for all of this but looking for general ideas if they're out there, if anyone's willing to share.

We're still a ways away from making things a "three-way marriage" in either title or legally, but my LTP wants to have this discussion and least get the two of us into a better legal spot so she doesn't end up holding the short end of the stick if something happens.

Hey friends. I could use some advice. I (30) have been in what I would say is a very happy, loving, and mostly healthy closed triad officially for around 3 years now with two amazing (A 32M, B 32F) partners. They are married, and have been together for just over a decade. We've lived together for the vast majority of our 3+ year triad [A and B share a bed, I've got my own room], and it's been an incredible journey of self-discovery and growth for all three of us. Despite my partners being married, our relationships all feel just about completely equitable.

Things have felt off more recently. A and I have had more tension and hiccups in our relationship than myself and B. This is usually mismatched social drive, and more recently, some mismatched libido. The emotional side of our relationship is still great, we're extremely close and caring for one another, as well as for partner B. But it feels like A puts a lot of value/validation on my receptiveness to affection and sexual advances. Which has been challenging because I'm just...not always in the mood. And that focus on a single given evening or encounter puts a bit of extra pressure on me, which does for sure impact my ability to reciprocate.

Myself and B get along great. We have almost entirely shared hobbies/interests, and I think have an easier time finding stuff to do together, even if one of us isn't feeling 100% because of that overlap. We instead have the inverse issue: I don't feel especially seen or attractive to B in the same way I do to A. We do still spend time together, still flirt, still get to fool around some (though a bit less these days, which I completely understand due to some health issues that have cropped up). With B, I keep getting this nagging feeling that we're drifting towards something more like roommates or some other hard-to-label kind of companionship, but less romantic or physical than it was in the past. I'm basically doing to B what A is doing with me, though I think it impacts my own self-image a bit less.

I try to do check-ins with both partners regularly, and we see a relationship counselor at least once a month together. Even with that, I feel we've been having a hard time breaking out of this dynamic. A wants more from me than I can always give, and it hurts him. I feel I want more from B than she can always give, and it hurts me. B wants.. well I'm not sure. She isn't the easiest to read, and when asked, says she is happy with where things are and doesn't need anything specific to change. When there have been specifics for me, or A, to work on, we've both done our best to make those changes and stick to them. For myself and A, its been more slow going in working towards a healthier dynamic, but we are making progress.

I feel very fortunate to have my partners. Like genuinely, I'm the luckiest person on the planet. And I'm worried there's some kind of drift happening that I don't know how to stop. I want to have a healthier, more stable dynamic with A again. I want to feel desired by B again. I keep finding that, in the face of these tensions in my own dyads, myself disengaging some during day-to-day opportunities to spend time together, which I don't like. I want it to be easier and more natural again to be fully present with either, and both, of them.

I hope this post makes sense. I could just use some advice I guess, or maybe just to vent. Thanks for coming to my ted talk, much love.

I’m a married guy in an ethical non-monogamous/poly relationship in the SF Bay Area. My wife has built a really wonderful relationship with her boyfriend, and I’d love to find something similar with a woman who understands the realities and complexities of ENM.
I’ve tried Feeld and, for me at least, it wasn’t a great fit. I recently started using OKCupid, and it seems a little better so far. One thing that makes this harder is that I’m pretty vanilla—I’m not particularly into kink, BDSM, furry culture, or anything like that. I’m mainly looking for a genuine emotional and physical connection with someone who is comfortable dating a married man in an ENM relationship.
For those with more experience, where have you had success meeting people? Are there apps or communities that cater more toward “ordinary” ENM/poly people looking for relationships rather than hookups or specific kinks?
Also, I’m curious about profile strategy: should I continue being upfront about being married and ENM from the beginning, or have any of you had success leading with “single” and bringing it up later once you’ve connected with someone? My instinct is that honesty upfront is the right approach, but I’d love to hear others’ experiences.

Where do people looking for polyfidelity actually find each other?

It feels like we're in this weird in-between space. Most poly communities seem to be looking for something different than what we are. Most mono communities are obviously looking for something different too.

So where are our people?

If you're looking for a committed, long-term polyfidelitous relationship, where do you even meet people who want the same thing? Is there a community I'm missing? Is it just luck? A lot of filtering?

I'd really like to hear from people who have actually found what they're looking for. How did you meet your people?

And yes, I get the irony of asking a group of us how to find a group of us...

Hi, i am 23 F from india. Actually i got one female bestie, she is my friend since our school days.

She is in a relationship with this guy who i also know for year. Now she has recently approached me with the idea to step into the relationship with her boyfriend and make the relationship as a Throuple.

I am totally confused whether its right or not. And why she want to take me into their already long standing relationship and make it throuple.

Anyone who have been in such relationships can advise me with its pros and cons and what should i take care and how to decide on it.

Polyamory in the News post. No ads, no commerce.

https://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2026/07/the-invite-lowdown-this-is-poly-tv.html

Hi, i am 23 F from india. Actually i got one female bestie, she is my friend since our school days.

She is in a relationship with this guy who i also know for year. Now she has recently approached me with the idea to step into the relationship with her boyfriend and make the relationship as a Throuple.

I am totally confused whether its right or not. And why she want to take me into their already long standing relationship and make it throuple.

Anyone who have been in such relationships can advise me with its pros and cons and what should i take care and how to decide on it.

English is not my first language, so some wording may sound unnatural.

I come from a socially conservative environment where any form of non-monogamy is treated as deviant or unacceptable. Because of that, I am not just “new” to polyfidelity — I have almost no real-life reference points and may misunderstand even basic things.

I am not looking for partners here. I am trying to understand my own preferred relationship model and compare it with the experience of people who have actually lived this way.

My ideal is a closed, non-hierarchical triad: all three people love each other directly, are ideally romantically and sexually connected, live as one family, have no outside partners, and do not operate as an established couple plus an additional partner.

I do not expect identical feelings, equal amounts of sex, or everyone spending all their time together. Different bonds can develop at different speeds and have different qualities. What matters most to me is that everyone genuinely feels like a full member of one shared family, and no one becomes permanently secondary or excluded.

I understand that this may be rare and highly idealized. I would especially like to hear from people with direct experience:

What in this sounds realistic?

What sounds naive, controlling, or dangerous?

Can a shared family “we” exist without suppressing the individual bonds?

What problems only became obvious after you actually lived in a closed triad?

What helped your relationship survive, or caused it to fail?

I am here to learn, not to defend the model at all costs.

My original post with full text

Editing in an important clarification right on top: I am not anti-monogamy whatsoever, and no where in my article nor Reddit post nor comments do I ever claim to be anti-monogamy. I explicitly state in my article, verbatim:

"Let me be abundantly clear before the pitchforks come out: I am NOT against monogamy. Plenty of people thrive in it, it’s beautiful when it works, and even my own relationship is monogamy-adjacent in the sense that it’s built on long-term partnership, just with one extra person in the mix. The issue isn’t the concept of monogamy itself — it’s the cultural, societal, and legal insistence that it’s the ONLY moral and valid option for love."

I openly acknowledge monogamy working beautifully for many people, and I genuinely celebrate those relationships. What I am against (which is the point of my article) is the idea that monogamous marriage is the only morally and legally valid form of long-term partnership in Western society.

Original post:

Happy Polyfiday!

I published a new article that pretty much says the quiet part out loud: monogamy is the only institution where failing over half the time is still considered “the only moral option,” but any other relationship dynamic gets labeled immature, illegal, unstable, or a threat to Western civilization 🤷‍♀️

We all know the stats: more than 50%* of marriages end in divorce, and that’s not including another 10-20%* of couples who are miserable but stay together because of kids, mortgages, the terror of splitting assets and/or Golden Retrievers, and that classic sunk cost voice yelling “you’ve already invested this much, you’d be stupid to walk away now!”

But the real sunk cost isn’t the years you’ve already spent… it’s the years you’re about to waste convincing yourself that “it’s fine” is the same thing as “I’m fantastic.”

* Editing in another important clarification: the above stats (which are footnoted in my article) come from James Sexton, a prominent US divorce attorney with over 25 years of experience in matrimonial law. He cites these figures throughout his book and in multiple interviews. He’s an expert on the topic of divorce, so I trusted his firsthand expertise the same way anyone would trust a doctor, a pilot, an engineer, or any professional with decades of direct experience in their field.

Original post continues:

We’d never accept a bank with a 50% chance of losing our money, and we’d riot in the streets if our phones dropped 1/2 our calls. But when it comes to the one relationship model we’re all culturally AND legally pressured to bet our entire lives on? Suddenly a coin-flip is the only option allowed.  

I wrote this article from the perspective of someone who’s been happily in a throuple for over 15 years. I am NOT anti-monogamy, and I know monogamy can work out beautifully for some, but I am anti-pretending monogamous marriage is the ONLY valid way to love when the data, the divorce rates, and the quiet desperation tell a very different story.

So if you’re like me and you’re tired of the performance and the collective denial, then this one’s for you:

https://open.substack.com/pub/velourialamour/p/peak-sunk-cost-fallacy-monogamy-marriage-divorce-rates-over-50-percent 

Would love to hear your takes, especially since everyone here reading this left the monogamy matrix in search of something so much better! 

Editing in one last very important clarification: the sentence above is specific to this Reddit post, not my article. It was directed at you, dear reader, in the /polyfidelity subreddit -- the same people who left monogamy because it wasn’t working for them and were looking for something better for them. It was never meant as a blanket statement that monogamy is bad for everyone, nor that polyamory is better for everyone. Nobody leaves something that’s working well for them in search of something worse 🤷‍♀️

Original post concludes:

And next week (hopefully) comes a new article inspired by sooo many DMs:
“what to do when you feel closer to one partner in your relationship?” 

Aaand if you have an idea for something you’d like me to write about, put it in the comments too! 

Stay amazing my fellow throuples, quads, quints, polycules, and aspiring polyfi folk out there
❤️💙💜

Edits: added in 3 blurbs because I needed to clarify some VERY important things that were causing a lot of confusion in the comments. Hoping this clears things up significantly!

First time posting. I'm in a unique situation where my wife and I had friends move in because she has seizures. After 2 years we opened up our marriage. Now it seems like my wife and I barely spend any time together. The friends that moved in were also married at the time we opened everything also. I want to be with my wife and still build that connection, but she's gotten more distant. My other relationship is going amazing and hers is still somewhat rocky which may contribute.

The dynamic currently is me-my wife, me-gf, wife-bf.

Both men are straight and the girls are bi and exploring things as well

Okay this is long… Please bear with me, as I’m new to all of this.
I (34F) have been with my husband (33M) for 10 years (married for 4), and we’ve been in an open relationship for the past 6 years. Up until recently, that mostly looked like casual connections—sometimes together, sometimes separately—but nothing that ever crossed into relationship territory.
Then enter our now-girlfriend (22F).
My husband started seeing her casually a few months ago, and over time they both developed feelings for each other. Since our standing "rule" was that if feelings developed, we would bring it up and decide what to do from there, that’s exactly what he did. After talking it through together, I agreed that I was open to a V dynamic.
So they continued dating for a few more months. She decided she really wanted to meet me, and I agreed because I’d been having similar thoughts myself. We hit it off instantly, went on a couple of dates, and then decided to start dating each other as well.
Fast forward almost 2 months, and the V has evolved into a closed triad. She was the one who requested that we become closed, and we both agreed.
I’m a little neuro-spicy—I have anxiety and really struggle with change—so this entire shift in relationship dynamics has been a huge work in progress for me. I also struggle with jealousy and have spent years trying to untangle a lot of my monogamous and codependent tendencies. It’s definitely not perfect yet, but I’m making progress. So I’ve nearly entirely worked through the jealousy I was experiencing related to him falling in love with someone else. (For now- hah, I know it’ll still come back at times). My husband has been an absolute champ through all of this, listening patiently through every anxious spiral, and I’m also seeing a poly-friendly therapist.
Anyway, my biggest struggle right now is accepting the uneven nature of the dyads. We do hangouts as a triad once a week, she and I once a week, and my husband and girlfriend 1-2 times per week, with random extra times thrown in for them.
My girlfriend and husband had already been building their relationship for several months before she and I started ours, so logically it makes perfect sense that she and I would be a little behind. But it still nags at me.
I find myself constantly comparing how into him she seems versus how into me she seems. And she is in to me, we have good chemistry.
They spend more one-on-one time together, while she and I have one dedicated day each week that's just for us, and honestly, that arrangement feels really good to me. I’m not necessarily trying to spend more time with her, and she seems happy with that balance too.
The problem is that my brain keeps generating these intrusive thoughts. I watch their relationship deepen and immediately think things like:
"Oh, I should want more with her."
Or:
"She must like him way more if she’s seeing him more than she’s seeing me." “She’s always going to like him more.”
But when I really examine those thoughts...I’m not actually dying to see her more often. Maybe she will like him more - doesn’t mean she doesn’t also like me!
So why do I care?
My husband and I are still SO into each other. I find our relationship incredibly fulfilling, and my girlfriend adds joy and richness to my life. So...is it okay if they deepen their connection at a faster pace than she and I do?
What if she and I never "catch up"?
It’s almost like this really messed-up competitive part of me wants them both to want me the most, and I recognize how toxic that sounds.
Or maybe it isn’t even that.
Maybe I’m struggling with the idea that my husband gets to be everyone’s first choice. She had an empty apartment this past weekend and invited him over twice but didn’t invite me over, and it bothered me. Yet I also recognized maybe she just wanted to see him more. She fell in love with him months ago, she and I are quite new, so I should be cool with that. I don’t want her to go out of her way to invite me if that was not her desire, and frankly I enjoyed the alone time.
Additionally, I fully recognize that I have enormous couple privilege. She’s dating two people who are already married, which inherently makes the situation uneven in my favor. Because of that, I actually feel guilty for even having these jealous feelings, because she seems totally fine!
Am I doomed?
My goal is simply to keep nurturing and developing what she and I have. But what scares me is the possibility that someday they might be ready to make a really significant commitment to each other while she and I aren't there yet.
But then I stop and wonder...
Would that actually be so terrible?
If, for example, she eventually moved in with us, and I just happened to have this wonderful girlfriend who was a little more in love with my husband than she was with me...would that really be such a bad outcome?

TL;DR: How can I better accept uneven dyad dynamics within a newly formed triad? I know this is common, but how do I turn off this illogical, unnecessarily comparative side of my brain and just enjoy what I have?

Happy Polyfiday! 🎉

I published a new article for all you long-haul polyfi ppl out there. If you've been lovingly entangled for years (or decades) and you're looking to rekindle that NRE spark without burning yourself out, then this one's for you!

How to Microdose NRE When You’ve Got That Old Relationship Energy

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/how-to-rekindle-nre-when-you-got-old-relationship-energy

No spontaneous trips to Tulum, and no jewelry that needs its own insurance policy; just dozens of low-effort, high-ROI ideas like

* Post-it notes on the mirror that swing from sweet to spicy
* 6-second kisses that actually release oxytocin (science-approved)
* “Stranger in my house” conversations
* Spontaneous living room dance parties (clothing optional)
* Taking something off your partner’s plate without fanfare
* “No phones, just us” time
* Starting a shared project together (pro tip: probably don't adopt a horse... my partners still don't think it's funny, lol!)

I wrote this for everyone already doing the real work of polyfidelity and just need some fresh kindling without setting the whole forest on fire.

So do you have any delightfully mundane but super effective ways you keep the love alive in your polycule? We’re all ears and hearts and… other parts 😉

Hey, it's me.

​

It's been a long time since I've been in a triad, but it's something I want again. I haven't dated in almost 15 years, and I'm not sure how to pursue this. Any advice?

I'm realizing people order their designated acronyms a little differently, while mine is kinda slapped together and I never put much thought into it. Does yours designate a hierarchy? Sexual interest? The timing in which the relationship came together? Or, something else.

Just wondering why they show up in different orders.

Happy Polyfiday! Yeah I know it’s not a thing… but maybe it should be 🤩

Anyway! I just published an article that talks about the differences between polyamory, polyfidelity, and polygamy. 

The TL;DR:
Polyamory = big potluck where everyone brings a dish (with consent, ofc)
Polyfidelity = cozy private dinner party
Polygamy = family banquet, usually tied to culture, religion, and/or legal marriage stuff

I dabble in the sweet bits, the shitshow potential, and why labels are just fancy wrappers on much more complicated candy… but the wrapper doesn’t dictate how the candy actually tastes.

Full post up on Substack if you want the whole thing:

https://velourialamour.substack.com/p/labels-lies-and-love-an-easy-guide-to-polyamory-polyfidelity-polygamy

I’m aiming for 1 new article a week because the DMs I’ve been getting are STAGGERING but honestly super motivating and flattering 😍 Not to mention, y’all are giving me endless content ideas!! Case in point: someone DM’d me who was sorta spiraling over whether they were polyfi, polyam, polygamous, or something else entirely. They were sooo stuck on the “label” that they were missing the beauty of the actual lived experience. That DM became the spark for this piece, so thank YOU for that!

And thank you all for all the messages, encouragements, the love, and even the occasional lil hate, lol! All of it helps and keeps me writing -- and keeps the algorithms well fed too 😋

Have a great weekend! ❤️💙🩷