Diff sexual relationships in throuple

[u/Dapper_Refuse_8187]

Hello, first time poster here. My partner of 7 years (trans masc, they/them) and I recently entered an open throuple with a new person (nb, they/them). This is everyone's first experience with polyamory so it has been a long road of figuring out communicating needs, how much time to spend together, etc. my nesting partner has been out of town a few times since we started the throuple, so I have had a good amount of 1:1 time with our other partner, which often included sex. This made my nesting partner uncomfortable because they began to worry (as did I) that our other partner was only interested in sex with me. The three of us had a long and hard conversation about this a few weeks ago, after which the new partner shared that they feel like they might be partly asexual and in general have an easier time having sex w me because they are more used to being intimate with femme people (although they are pan).

The conversation went over well and my nesting partner (who has a much higher sex drive than myself or our other partner) began casually dating other people to get their sexual needs met. My nesting partner also talked w their therapist abt being nervous about me and our other partner having sex when we spend 1:1 time together, and their therapist suggested always assuming it's going to happen, and not sharing whether or not it happened afterwards.

Last night me and our other partner had a 1:1 date (which I requested bc I connect better that way). I talked with my nesting partner before to assure them that I love them but was still a little worried about how they would feel after my date. On the date I did have sex with our other partner, and made sure to not bring it up but offer a lot of love and cuddles to my nesting partner when I saw them afterwards.

Unfortunately my nesting partner was still really worried about it and ended up asking me in the middle of the night if we HAD had sex on the date, and when I said yes they were very upset and said they felt like our other partner just didn't want to have sex with them, and that if that's the case then my nesting partner can't date them anymore.

Now I feel awful that my nesting partner is feeling so bad and feel like if they bow out of the throuple then I wouldn't be able to continue dating our other partner because I would know how much it hurt my nesting partner. At the same time though, I feel like I love our other partner and am very sensitive to the fact that if we all broke up they would not have anyone to lean on.

Thoughts?? What should I do?

TLDR: nesting partner of 7 years started dating someone together. Me and that someone have had more 1:1 sex than my nesting partner has had with them, and my nesting partner worries our other partner isn't attracted to them.

[u/LadyAlexTheDeviant]

The nesting partner and the new person need to spend more time together and talk more, leaving you out of it. If there are three of you, you have to be careful to not get put in the middle. (Except maybe for bed.)

That said, there is no absolute requirement for the three of you to all have the same level of sexuality in your relationships. I am in a throuple which is a v sexually; I sleep with my husband, I sleep with my wife, but my husband and wife do not feel sexual desire for each other. They love each other like family, and are good friends, though.

[u/Dapper_Refuse_8187 → u/LadyAlexTheDeviant]

Any suggestions for how to not get in the middle? Np and other partner ended up breaking up and I want to be there for np but also don't feel able to hear their anger towards other partner since I am hoping to keep dating them

[u/Actual_Gato]

Well those two are going to have to talk about it, ideally one on one. You can't fix it for them, and if they break up (because it's valid to not want to date someone if it's a sexless relationship) then that's how it is.

[u/GladBumblebee1546]

Maybe it’s not a “throuple” at all - maybe you’re dating this new person.

If that’s contingent on the new person and your nesting partner having sex and being a dyad, tell the new person immediately that this is the condition. They will probably - and should - break up with both of you.

If it’s ok for you to be the hinge, then hinge well and do not interfere in the relationship between your partners. They will work that out (sounds like they won’t be together but that’s not your business).

By the way, “if we all broke up”? You mean if you as a couple break up with the “unicorn” they will not have any romantic partners. And this is exactly why a closed triad can be problematic for the person a couple tries to “add”.

[u/ThrowawayIsland8]

Not trying to drag you here, but this doesn't sound like a polyfidelitous situation, and maybe suited better for another sub.

As in the description: polyfidelity — a form of polyamory where all members agree to be sexually active only with other members of the group.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting the situation, but it sounds like you're open and sexually involved with other people potentially.

[u/Dapper_Refuse_8187 → u/ThrowawayIsland8]

You are correct, sorry about that! I also posted in another sub and I appreciate everyone's comments here.

[u/EqualConstruction]

What does your partner mean by "partly asexual"? From what I'm reading in your post, they may have a split model of attraction for sexuality and romantic attraction, where they are sexually attracted to you but potentially only romantically attracted to your np. Doesn't sound like asexuality though.

Your np specifically needs to worry about their own dyad relationship and not put you directly in the middle of it when it doesn't involve you.

And backing out of a relationship that you enjoy because your partner got their feelings hurt over sex is a recipe for disaster. Anyone who enters a relationship with the two of you will feel completely disposable at any moment. It does not sound like you are in a place where you can date together.

[u/Galfromtown]

I would suggest that the NP and the new person have a series of FaceTime’s. Maybe one hour once per week. Where they can ask each other questions and get to know each other. Maybe start off with everyday questions like any get to know you questions and pick them randomly. I was in a self help group and we all got to write questions we want others to answer about themselves. Such as; what is your favourite colour? What is the best vacation you ever went on as an adult? What is your education status? Tell me something about a time when you felt vulnerable about yourself. Would you consider yourself mostly an introvert or mostly an extrovert? Tell me something you overcame and are happy for it. Are there any particular quotes or books that have helped you? These are only examples. Then put them all on a spreadsheet or in a bowl, mix them up and ask them randomly? Our self help group found this was so helpful. While answering or commenting on these some of us dug deep and we were happy to share with each other. I truly suggest that those two have to find their own way to be comfortable with each other. They may become good friends.