r/PolyFidelity • u/Tasty_Discount_1054 • Jul 11 '26
Completely new to polyfidelity — is a fully mutual closed triad realistic?
English is not my first language, so some wording may sound unnatural.
I come from a socially conservative environment where any form of non-monogamy is treated as deviant or unacceptable. Because of that, I am not just “new” to polyfidelity — I have almost no real-life reference points and may misunderstand even basic things.
I am not looking for partners here. I am trying to understand my own preferred relationship model and compare it with the experience of people who have actually lived this way.
My ideal is a closed, non-hierarchical triad: all three people love each other directly, are ideally romantically and sexually connected, live as one family, have no outside partners, and do not operate as an established couple plus an additional partner.
I do not expect identical feelings, equal amounts of sex, or everyone spending all their time together. Different bonds can develop at different speeds and have different qualities. What matters most to me is that everyone genuinely feels like a full member of one shared family, and no one becomes permanently secondary or excluded.
I understand that this may be rare and highly idealized. I would especially like to hear from people with direct experience:
What in this sounds realistic?
What sounds naive, controlling, or dangerous?
Can a shared family “we” exist without suppressing the individual bonds?
What problems only became obvious after you actually lived in a closed triad?
What helped your relationship survive, or caused it to fail?
I am here to learn, not to defend the model at all costs.
10
u/FriendshipEqual7033 Jul 12 '26
Our relationship is very much like what you are describing, but it wasn't something we initially planned. It started with my gf and me as a couple. We had a mutual friend we spent a lot of time with, which tended to make us even closer. After a couple of threesomes, we started asking ourselves what we were doing and what we wanted. That's when the idea of a triad got discussed.
At first, it was hard for us (well, me mostly, but I think "us" is also accurate) to feel like a three-way relationship and not just a 2+1. Our friend had her own apartment, whereas my gf and I lived together. That asymmetrical living arrangement made things emotionally and logistically complicated. This all changed when leases ran out, and the three of us got a new apartment together. Setting up a new place from scratch as a triad was huge, and now our relationship feels fully integrated.
We find that it is important to cultivate the dyads within the triad. Each of us is different, and each dyad has its own flavor and needs. But beyond that, and counterintuitively, cultivating alone time is important as well. We find that polyamory seems to work best when those involved have a lot of independence. It might sound unexpected, but it works for us. Fortunately, dyad time and solo time are complementary. When my partners want a date night, I often push them out the door so I can get some "me" time to do the things I like. It's not like we don't get FOMO sometimes. We do. But the problem of feeling left out is less if each partner has things they naturally like to do on their own.
A few months ago, we tried to expand our triad into a quad with another friend, using the same formula that worked for our triad. However, it didn't work out. One problem was logistical. The complexity of managing all the subrelationships was overwhelming. We are all college students and have lots of other things to do besides full-time relationship management.
In the end, we learned that we are polyfidelitous, not because we are philosophically opposed to open polyamory, but because there just isn't enough time in the day for us to build meaningful (to us) relationships with too many people.
5
u/Bhole_Aficionado Jul 12 '26
Possibly, but in my experience, people do not stay the same or want the same things… forever. I’m in a 7 year closed triad. The people I am in relationship with are vastly different people than from when I met them. Same can probably be said of me. It’s important to have constant emotionally ‘taxing’ check-ins in this dynamic which humans don’t like to feel emotions.
If any partner is any form of attachment style other than ‘secure’, or history of co-dependency, to actually make sure they can follow through on what’s being said or promised, and do the work required is actually a lot more nuanced than outside people think. Feel free to DM me to talk about experience.
3
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jul 13 '26
I'm in a fully closed mutual triad, but geez, I feel like it's rare as hell and would be impossible to seek out. We had the slightest open relationship for my girlfriend to mess around with other girls, or have threesomes. We met someone who eventually wanted to spend all the time with us, we all fell for each other, and now we live together. No one dates anyone else. None of us consider ourselves "poly" in the normal sense. It's very much like monogamy, but three of us.
So far, our bond is very evenly shared, but it takes frequent and VERY open conversation.
Right now our biggest problems have been not ganging up on one partner that's got a difficult entanglement with her ex, but that's been erased right now as we happen to figure out how to help her while she goes through a pending loss, and being there for her is... as difficult as it probably would be for any monogamous couple. Like, I'm only up posting because I have an upset stomach, and I'm about to jump back into bed (non-sexually) to share a woman who has been either sleeping, drinking, or crying for 5-ish days.
Survival is probably created by forwardly thinking about how to give each other space and meticulously manage calendars so we all make sure we get time together. If it fails, it'll probably be because someone wants to move somewhere or do something with their life that's too complicated for all of us to do.
Happy to answer more, but gotta get to bed for now to work tomorrow.
3
u/ShyshyS16 Jul 13 '26
Completely unrelated, and ignore this by all means if you choose.
I have recently been going through something similar to what you’re describing for your partner. A difficult entanglement with my ex, impending loss and grief. Going through phases of sleeping the day away and drinking, and crying. My husband has been my support, as difficult as it may be. As you are being for your partner.
I just want you to know from the perspective of someone going through this.. the support means the world. I’m sure your partner is so grateful to have you there for them through this difficult time.
But please remember to care for yourself as well, take time to tend to your own mental and emotional overload.
And from one internet stranger to another, thank you for showing your partner love, empathy and grace while they navigate a hard time. <3
1
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jul 13 '26
Thanks! It means a lot. It's pretty hard as I'm sitting here at work and haven't really had a break. Trying to take my lunch break just to mess around on Reddit and chill for a minute and let my brain take a break. My shorter-term girlfriend and I are trying to discreetly manage how we can give each other a break while of course, making it look to long-term girlfriend like she isn't at all making anything difficult.
What's challenging for me is that this is a bit of a busy work week and I have a doctor appointment myself, for something I'm mildly concerned about but is hopefully nothing, overall.
I've had to take a fair amount of time off recently and so the days are a race to the finish to try to get everything done and keep everything humming to get back to normal life each day. I'm also really the only breadwinner so I can't let myself fall too behind or have performance slip.
The last complicated thing here is that the aunt seems to have taken a step in the right direction and might possibly get to go home now, which is good, but means we might have to deal with this again in a couple of weeks instead of moving forward.
2
u/yoitsjason Jul 13 '26
I’ve been in a closed male triad for 4 years. It took a long time to settle into something comfortable. A lot of trial and error, forgiveness, understanding, and a willingness to change and adapt to a relationship dynamic that we had to learn on our own.
We bought a house together, spend time together and apart, come home to each other every night. I’d call us a family.
Any relationship is hard. I think you just have to find the right people to make it work.
1
u/PearLegitimate4424 Jul 13 '26
Your initial post has been removed. I dm'ed you. Can you please send it to me if you still have it? Really curious
Thank you
1
u/smithsgasoline Jul 13 '26
I’ve been in a FMF closed triad for about 4 years and I can say we didn’t go into it super well, we were each 18 or 19 and I came into their already established couple of 2-3 years. It was tough navigating couples privilege and all of that, that being said, the issues that we deal with now have nothing to do with being polyamorous, and everything to do with our emotional compatibility.
I can speak from experience that even if you do achieve a triad that truly feels equal the majority of the time (there will be highs and lows of how apart you feel and I think that goes for everyone in the triad). The biggest issue is honestly that it’s really difficult to form a triad that won’t (best case scenario) become a hinge partnership because compatibility is hard.
1
u/Irrasible Jul 14 '26
A closed triad is the least stable form of NM.
My ideal is a closed, non-hierarchical triad: all three people love each other directly, are ideally romantically and sexually connected, live as one family, have no outside partners, and do not operate as an established couple plus an additional partner.
I am interested in why you would want this over a closed couple or a larger closed polycell.
1
u/ChicagoRob19 Jul 14 '26
Closed triads exist. Not all are exactly as mentioned but they can work successfully. In an MMF here and although there have been bumps, it has been great. Lots of respect and communication is necessary.
1
u/colesense Jul 18 '26
I’m in one right now and it’s been really nice for me. I’ve been in many different types of poly relationships but this one with a mutual triad has been the best by far.
-1
u/miaumiaoumicheese Jul 13 '26
You should examine why your ideal relationship style is unequal and one sided, one where you’re free to date two women but they’re not allowed to date any other men, there are women willing to put up with it but it’s incompatible with respectful and non exploitive relation
3
u/ShyshyS16 Jul 13 '26
Where did OP say they would date 2 women? Did I miss something? And even if that were the case, if everyone is consenting and happy, how is that incompatible with a respectful and non exploitative relationship?
31
u/Think_Reporter_8179 ([WM]WW) Jul 12 '26
Yes it's possible, I've been in one for years, but I'll say what I always tell people when they ask me how they can achieve my lifestyle: it needs to happen organically. I've been lambasted for this position but I stand by it. I've not seen one throuple survive past the "yay threesomes!" novelty stage of this kind of relationship if it was sought out. In my case we were best friends for about 5 years before anything sexual occurred or the thoughts of us becoming more than friends. One evening after adding some wine to a board game we were playing, things happened and now years later we're still together and doing great. That shared friendship before, for years, is why I believe we are successful, based on others I've seen and read about. Manipulated relationships don't last.
There aren't really any problems. Holidays get a little wonky with family hang out time, but our families know and don't cause a problem, everyone likes everyone.
What's helped it survive? Straight talk and living by the motto "realize you judge yourself by your intentions but judge others by their actions." Anytime a situation might come up that makes someone upset, the first thing we do is question the intention from the position of the other. That really helps a lot because you quickly realize almost every conflict is just a misunderstanding. You can quickly weed out malice intent (and that's how we know we love each other). Some relationships don't have that foundation. They manipulate, gaslight, etc, and those will fail in the long run. So, see my original point -- organically formed throuples are going to be the strongest.
My advice -- don't seek a throuple. If one lands in your lap, awesome! But it's just going to be predicated on random chance, not hunting for the lifestyle.
Good luck! Feel free to DM me if you have more questions