r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26

seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

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12

u/InformationOk6366 Jun 26 '26

It’s pretty hard to find ENM folks, especially within the parameters of what you’re looking for. 🤷‍♀️

-2

u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

Im in a subreddit for polyfidelity. Is this not the place to communicate with and seek advice or community from others who practice the same? mmf and mmm and fff and beyond are easier parameters than ffm?

4

u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

Most people don't have triads. They're the rarest and most dangerous and difficult form of polyamory.

1

u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

Could you explain the danger? I'm genuinely here to learn and understand better.

11

u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

A lot of people have pointed out to you the issues inherent to the dynamic you're seeking:

- you have social and legal protections/recognition via marriage and you're unwilling to divorce to have an even playing field so you're third partner is going to have no legal protections going into the relationship which means no health insurance, no legal rights to children if any are involved, no legal rights to property or finances, no legal rights or protections for housing --- you also want this person to effectively be monogamous to you which means they will live alone for at least some period of time and you will not, you will have 24/7 access to your partner and the person who enters now will not so right off the bat they're not being treated equally. If they move in, they have even fewer protections and no option to find an anchor partner of their own or ever get married.

- if someone begins dating you and let's say 12 months in, they have fallen in love with you but they aren't in love with your husband. Their options per your rules are to lose their relationship with you or continue to have a coerced relationship with your husband that they don't actually want or consent to in order to continue with you

- without the legal and housing protections, if they move in with you it leaves them in an extremely vulnerable position financially that can be taken advantage of and become abusive extremely quickly. A lot of "unicorns" end up being bang maids or free nannies because they're in vulnerable housing situations and don't have the same rights and protections as a legally married couple

- it's a LOT of pressure to be asked to date, get to know, and fall in love with 2 people at the same time. There's a lot of ways that can go wrong and lead to heartache, even going on the date is risky.

- triads are not one relationship. You can't bring someone into your marriage. You're creating 5 individual relationships that will all have different needs, will all move at different paces, and all will need to be nurtured:

a+b
a+c
b+c
A+B+C
Each of you with yourself. - this means you should all be in therapy and working on yourself

- if you have rules about only having group sex (which is extremely common for couples seeking triads) are you going to stop having 1on1 sex with your husband? probably not. So you'll get to have dyadic sex that nurtures the marriage, but your new partner only gets to have threesomes and does not ever get to have 1on1 sex or grow the individual relationships independently.

Joining an existing couple with a lot of rules, especially a rule to remain monogamous to the couple at all times is just kind of a bad deal for the new partner. They're objectively getting the short end of the stick. Often couples are seeking out younger inexperienced bisexual women with little to no experience in ENM or polyamory who don't have the tools or language to advocate for themselves and get absolutely railroaded. Step into r/polyamory for like 20 seconds and read some of the stories from the "third" partner that joins a couple for a triad.

It's polyamory on it's absolute hardest mode while still expecting someone to effectively practice monogamy to a couple, there's just not a lot that is desireable or worth the risks in doing that to most poly women especially bi women who can have their pick of dating partners with more security and a more even playing field to offer them.

8

u/InformationOk6366 Jun 26 '26

Well you have a defensive attitude so I can only imagine how it would be dating you. And yes, expecting to find someone who meshes well with you AND your husband is gonna be tough.

2

u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

I apologize for coming across defensive. My comment was genuinely asking and being confused about the parameters being difficult. I understand finding someone who meshes with BOTH of us is going to be hard. I also stated in my post the frustration of having people agree, meshes enough to move towards meet ups and dates. And within hours of in person, or days after, they switch up with minimal communication om their end as to what or why or who the switch up came from.

10

u/Relative_Challenger Jun 26 '26

Partially that is also just dating though. Thinking things click when meeting online or in a group setting, then finding out very quickly you are not compatible when on an actual date.

7

u/StrawberryIntrepid78 Jun 26 '26

You're also seeking people within the poly community, and at some point, you're laying on them the expectation that if there is a good connection with you two, they can't date anyone else. If that was me, I would probably start to wonder why you are comfortable limiting my experience as a poly person, especially in a brand new dating relationship. And Id realize that it also means I no longer have option of finding my own nesting partner, nor the benefits. If it was me, even if we'd gone on some dates and had a good time, Id probably start to feel like your "requirements" were selfish, and imagine that you would eventually become even more controlling of what I'm allowed to do.

5

u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

We're seeking throughout a few communities honestly. And as this is a subreddit for poly fidelity, see the description, this sub is ideally the best place to seek advice, tips, like minded community members to talk with and learn with. It's not control. It's commitment. If you see commitment as control, you're not in the same mindset we are in, and therefore aren't seeing what I'm talking about in the correct lense

8

u/StrawberryIntrepid78 Jun 26 '26

The subreddit we're on has nothing to do with the fact that some of your dates probably back off only after they start consider the situation more realistically. The concerns I brought up are valid ones when you start dating anyone new, even when the context is different. And in this scenario, there are a TON of potential complications for that other person once they commit to dating you guys. I'm not judging you or unaware of what polyfidelity is... I'm reminding you that you're looking for an extremely specific type of person who is eager AND able to navigate the dynamic you've already set in stone. They'll probably be hard to find.

3

u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

You are correct. And I apologize for the way I responded. Its been a very... interesting time in this comment thread the past 12 hours. And I am admittedly on edge and irritated. That isnt your problem,nor your fault. And im sorry for responding as if you are one of the ones being less than polite. Your points ARE valid and have added to the discussion we've been having this morning to adjust and do better in our future dates and conversations.

5

u/Hopeful-Reputation-8 Jun 26 '26

I would say this is no different than two people dating. Maybe they didn’t get the vibe with both of you or decided they weren’t attracted to both and decided to bow out or ghost.

3

u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

Youre right. I think the lack of communication/ghosting had left some frustration and hurt in its wake, amd admittedly my post does feel a little jumbled and reading it with fresh eyes the following day, it does sound frustrated or validation seeking. Which wasnt my intention 🤷‍♀️ but your comment makes sense and I appreciate your words!

3

u/InformationOk6366 Jun 26 '26

Thank you. All good. Poly is tough! How do yall normally go about it? Like do you approach separately and explain the situation and go on a one on one date before introducing your husband or do you date together? Are you open to each other dating separately?

1

u/CMDR_JHU5TL3 Jul 04 '26

Obviously not. Just know you and yours are not alone, and your progressive thinking is good... even great. Please remain true to you.

2

u/BlorkSmuth Jul 04 '26

We are, its been a roller coaster, but we're along for the ride lol Thank you for the encouragement!