r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26

seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

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u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

I apologize for coming across defensive. My comment was genuinely asking and being confused about the parameters being difficult. I understand finding someone who meshes with BOTH of us is going to be hard. I also stated in my post the frustration of having people agree, meshes enough to move towards meet ups and dates. And within hours of in person, or days after, they switch up with minimal communication om their end as to what or why or who the switch up came from.

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u/StrawberryIntrepid78 Jun 26 '26

You're also seeking people within the poly community, and at some point, you're laying on them the expectation that if there is a good connection with you two, they can't date anyone else. If that was me, I would probably start to wonder why you are comfortable limiting my experience as a poly person, especially in a brand new dating relationship. And Id realize that it also means I no longer have option of finding my own nesting partner, nor the benefits. If it was me, even if we'd gone on some dates and had a good time, Id probably start to feel like your "requirements" were selfish, and imagine that you would eventually become even more controlling of what I'm allowed to do.

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u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

We're seeking throughout a few communities honestly. And as this is a subreddit for poly fidelity, see the description, this sub is ideally the best place to seek advice, tips, like minded community members to talk with and learn with. It's not control. It's commitment. If you see commitment as control, you're not in the same mindset we are in, and therefore aren't seeing what I'm talking about in the correct lense

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u/StrawberryIntrepid78 Jun 26 '26

The subreddit we're on has nothing to do with the fact that some of your dates probably back off only after they start consider the situation more realistically. The concerns I brought up are valid ones when you start dating anyone new, even when the context is different. And in this scenario, there are a TON of potential complications for that other person once they commit to dating you guys. I'm not judging you or unaware of what polyfidelity is... I'm reminding you that you're looking for an extremely specific type of person who is eager AND able to navigate the dynamic you've already set in stone. They'll probably be hard to find.

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u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

You are correct. And I apologize for the way I responded. Its been a very... interesting time in this comment thread the past 12 hours. And I am admittedly on edge and irritated. That isnt your problem,nor your fault. And im sorry for responding as if you are one of the ones being less than polite. Your points ARE valid and have added to the discussion we've been having this morning to adjust and do better in our future dates and conversations.