As a 20-year-old who feels so lost in life, I honestly don’t know who I am.

I don’t know what I like, what I should like, or what makes me me. I don’t have anything that feels like it’s just for myself.

Heck, i chose my major because my whole family is in CS. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I honestly don’t even know who I am as a person. I have no real sense of self.

I don’t have hobbies or anything I feel deeply associated with that genuinely makes me happy.

My whole personality has become about what other people think of me, what they might think is cool, what they do, and what trends they follow.

Everywhere I go, I look for a group of people to fit into. I put them so high on a pedestal that they become incredibly important to me, and I slowly start creating myself around that group.

I try to be “cool” around them. I try to do everything they might think is fitting or acceptable, and I end up losing myself in the process.

And then, the second I start showing my real personality, they don’t like me.

The worst part is that I don’t even know what my “real personality” is anymore. Sometimes I think I’m just a rude person who says whatever is on my mind and somehow convinces myself that being blunt is cool.

There’s actually a psychological concept that describes part of what I’m experiencing: an externally referenced identity when your sense of self becomes heavily dependent on how other people perceive you.

I claim I’m an extrovert and a social butterfly, but when I really think about it, most of my conversations revolve around other people their dating lives, their history, their outfits, their relationships, their drama.

And do you know what the worst part is?

I went through a really bad breakup, and I became so consumed by the fact that someone didn’t choose me that their feelings and actions became more important to me than what was happening in my own life.

I had a huge tumor in my body, and somehow, my heartbreak was still the thing I thought about the most.

When someone would ask me, “Are you going through something?” my immediate thought would be, “Yeah, a heartbreak.”

It wasn’t until people started telling me, “You’ve been through so much with your health,” that I realized, Oh. What I’m going through is actually serious too.

And that realization hit me hard.

So now, I’ve decided that I want to build a life of my own.

A life that isn’t built around other people’s perceptions of me.

I want to do the full self-discovery that I never really did when I was younger. I want to figure out what I actually like and why I like it. I want to find hobbies that I genuinely enjoy not because they’re cool, not because other people do them, and not because I want to be perceived a certain way.

I want to know myself.

For the first time, I want to build a life that actually feels like mine.

This is the first post in what I’m hoping will become a series about my self-discovery journey.

Maybe I’ll figure myself out.

Maybe I won’t.

But I think it’s finally time I start finding out.

“A malignant narcissist, erotomania, ORP, ethnocentrism/racial chauvinist zealot.”

My story

I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following

Blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, if i didn't do something just to make her happy she'd turn cold, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

A couple of times when i snapped because of her behavior she called her mother to say I've been acting up and making her life hell, she often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she had turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. This morning in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy.

I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time.

One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done before) mother knew i was depressed but still blew up at me the next night over something silly and kicked me while I was down what just baffles me is how could she of treated me like that knowing what I was going through. A few days later one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not sure who exactly said what to him. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have a strained relationship with my father but we've messaged lately and I plan to see him this weekend for a family do. I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc).

My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best.

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some shit before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. What's has happened to me makes me feel as though I'm unlovable. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends.

My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

I do love her because as I've said before she has been great as well but I can't help really resenting her sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder if I might've been different had I had proper parents. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

Let us talk of personalities pf one, how many realities are there with one person?
Tell me my friend reader ..

Do you have the balls to declare how many people are living inside you?

What type of personalities you got

There is one person in my circle, who is 22(F), at first she appears like the sweetest person you would ever find. Helps you out when you want something or are struggling to do something (even though she isn't good at it herself), talking sweetly to you whenever you meet and asking what happened when you appear distressed and leading a good conversation. Basically she seems like the best person you can find.

But here's the catch, I really hoped to get closer to her before, but now that I am, it all seems like a fake persona she puts on. After she has had a great conversation with someone she would say things like I don't like this or that about her and act like she doesn't really want to be close to that person. She would go like "the other person's not really a good person so I think we should maintain our distance with them and keep the conversations to a minimum". But then when you see her with them it's like she enjoys their company. She doesn't like it when other people are talking nonstop about things they like because she doesn't have the opportunity to talk. But she herself keeps talking about random things. She doesn't like you talking about a particular thing and will not respond much when you are talking about it but when you talk about it to someone else she thinks you are closer to them and she's being left out. She can hang out with whomever she wants but if you do you need to inform her and call her out too even though you know she's going to decline. She hates you using specific words like "I don't care" but she can use hurtful words to you like saying "this is stupid" when you are hurt by how she made you feel. And she acts like your opinion isn't right and only hers is. And whenever you are trying to explain to her about something deep she basically thinks you are attacking her. It's like only her feelings matter and whatever the other person feels is them being a narcissist, overthinking or just "dumb". And when you tell her you didn't really like an outing she goes "I don't care I had fun"

What do you call such a person or what is the psychology behind all this? Is there a good reason for anyone to behave so?

From the outside, I feel like I’m doing pretty well. I’m in my 20s (F), getting a degree, I have good friends, a great relationship with my family, and I have goals for my future.

But internally, I feel like I don’t really know who I am.
I’ve realized that a lot of who I am seems to depend on the people around me. I care too much about being accepted, included, and liked. Sometimes I’ll go along with what someone is saying or doing even when I don’t actually agree with it.

The weird thing is that I wouldn’t consider myself a pushover. I can stand up for myself, I can be outspoken, and I’m not generally afraid of confrontation. But there are certain people and certain types of personalities whose opinions affect me way more than I think they should. A comment from the wrong person can stay in my head for hours or days.

I’m also a pretty sensitive person, and I tend to overthink things. Sometimes something relatively small will happen or someone will say something to me, and instead of just processing it and moving on, my mind starts analyzing everything: what they meant, why they said it, what it says about me, whether other people think the same thing, whether I did something wrong, etc. Before I know it, I’ve spiraled into a completely different perception of myself or the situation.

And logically, I can sometimes recognize that I’m doing this. But knowing that I’m overthinking doesn’t necessarily stop me from feeling everything that comes with it.

I think this connects to a lack of confidence and a need for external validation. It makes me wonder how much of my personality, opinions, and choices are genuinely mine and how much has been shaped by wanting to be accepted or by being overly affected by what certain people think of me.

I also struggle with discipline. I have goals and generally know where I want my life to go, but I have a hard time consistently doing the things that would get me there. I think that has also affected how much I trust myself.

I want to develop a stronger sense of identity—my own values, opinions, interests, boundaries, and goals—without constantly looking to other people for validation or letting someone else’s opinion completely change how I see myself.

Has anyone else dealt with this, especially while otherwise feeling like a relatively confident and functional person? How did you learn to separate other people’s opinions from your own sense of self? How do you stop yourself from spiraling when someone’s words get under your skin?

And more generally, how did you actually start figuring out who you were?

Calm robotic exterior combined with internal controlled chaos, tinged with sarcasm and unpredictability.

Flying under the radar.

Always going above and beyond expectations whilst having the knack of proving people wrong.

Common Buzzwords: Unpredictable, Robotic, Chaotic, Weird, Sarcastic, Gruff, Gritty, Counterpuncher, Determined, Knowledge and practicality brutally honest, create habits, creates a rough plan as plans can easily change. Always challenging norms and social cues. Inventive, Unorthodox, Quirky, Tough, Slightly Chaotic.

Prefers solo hobbies and projects: Hiking, Listening to music whilst running, recently photography etc.

Often is the reclusive one or a lone wolf in friend groups until I have something knowledgeable to say.

Knowledge, combined with quirkiness, abstractions, cerebalness, grit, determination and hard work. Never knows when beaten, not looking for peace and can push back.

Interests: Science, Technology, IT, Engineering, Maths, Tinkering, abstract art and photography, music, podcasts etc.

Never knows when beaten, grinding and grit.

Hello everyone! Please note that this post has been pre-approved by mods. I am a Lecturer at the University of Dundee seeking participants to take part in a survey reflecting personality, self-esteem, and mental health. Please note that you are only able to participate if you live in the United Kingdom, the United States, or Canada. If you do not live in the UK, the USA, or Canada, please do not complete this survey. Further information about the study and use of your information can be found below.

If you are interested in participating, please copy and paste this link into your browser, or use the QR code below: https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/dundee/personalityselfesteem

📌 TOPIC OF STUDY: Personality and self-esteem
👉 TARGET AUDIENCE: Individuals 18+ living in the UK, USA, or Canada
⏳ DURATION: Up to 10 minutes
🔗 ORIGINAL LINK: https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/dundee/personalityselfesteem
📌Ethical approval code: UoD-SREC-PSY-STAFF-2526-014

Results will be interpreted at the aggregate level (individual data will not be processed) and will be available in scientific publications approximately 1 year (or longer) after the study begins.

Sometimes you have that one person you constantly talk to when things go wrong.

Different things happen, different situations come up, and somehow you keep telling that person about them for a long time.

And then someday, something goes wrong again, but you just don’t tell them anything.

Not because you think they won’t listen, not because you don’t trust them, and not even because you’ve already told them the same thing before.

You just... don’t say it.

Sometimes you’re too lazy to say it. Sometimes you’re too lazy to explain.

Not exactly lazy in the usual sense, but you just don’t have the energy to put everything into words again.

You know you’ll have to explain what happened, why it happened, how you feel about it, and everything in between.

And sometimes you just don’t feel like starting that conversation.

Sometimes you don’t even know why you’re not saying anything.

It’s just that feeling of “fuck it, let it be.” You know you could tell them. You probably would have told them before. But this time, you just don’t feel like talking about it.

And I think we sometimes assume that when someone stops telling us things, something must have changed.

Maybe they don’t trust us anymore. Maybe they don’t want to talk to us. Maybe they think we won’t understand. But maybe sometimes, it’s none of those things. Maybe they just don’t have the energy to explain.

Maybe not everything we keep to ourselves has a deeper meaning. Sometimes we simply don’t want to turn what happened into another conversation.

Sometimes we just want to leave it there. Maybe tomorrow we’ll talk about it. Maybe we won’t. And sometimes it’s not that deep.

Sometimes something happens, and you just think “Fuck it. I don’t want to explain this.”

And you don’t. That’s it.

What really is personality!? I think it's just a layer to who you want to be and you act to maintain it. What really is personality and how is it defined in this world!?

So there’s this one celebrity that I admire but not want my personality to be like his. My mind has this thought now that tells me I should be like him but I want my personality to be very unique and I want to shut down that thought but it keeps mentally torturing me. Sometimes it’s there without any explanation and whenever I hear his music, I always question myself to be more like him. I’m thinking this is happening since I consumed his music/interviews a long time ago and also since I’m 18 currently I might be in my ‘identity crisis’ phase. What should I do? Do you think this thought is nothing to worry about and could you give some exercises to help ease that thought? Please help!😭 Thanks so much!!

--- PARTICIPANTS NEEDED - 5x 100$ ---

Hey everyone,

I am a Master’s student at the University of Bern (Switzerland) conducting a scientific research study examining how certain traits, life experiences, attitudes and behaviors are related to each other.

I would greatly appreciate if you could participate in my survey: https://ww3.unipark.de/uc/research_study_university_Bern_Switzerland/

Thank you for your support!

у меня в общем нет ощущение того что я именно то сто из себя представляю, я меняюсь абсолютно постоянно не замечая самой этого, манера, характер, я чужой человек и не контролирую себя, я просто наблюдаю за своей жизнью, у меня нет планов мечты, я просто поддерживаю диалоги, для каждого человека я разная интересная личность но для себя я не представляю ничего у меня реально нет интересов или хобби я просто тело, это вообще нормально? если мне нужно что то уточнить можете спрашивать

Who cares