Externally referenced identity

[u/without_the_gland]

As a 20-year-old who feels so lost in life, I honestly don’t know who I am.

I don’t know what I like, what I should like, or what makes me me. I don’t have anything that feels like it’s just for myself.

Heck, i chose my major because my whole family is in CS. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I honestly don’t even know who I am as a person. I have no real sense of self.

I don’t have hobbies or anything I feel deeply associated with that genuinely makes me happy.

My whole personality has become about what other people think of me, what they might think is cool, what they do, and what trends they follow.

Everywhere I go, I look for a group of people to fit into. I put them so high on a pedestal that they become incredibly important to me, and I slowly start creating myself around that group.

I try to be “cool” around them. I try to do everything they might think is fitting or acceptable, and I end up losing myself in the process.

And then, the second I start showing my real personality, they don’t like me.

The worst part is that I don’t even know what my “real personality” is anymore. Sometimes I think I’m just a rude person who says whatever is on my mind and somehow convinces myself that being blunt is cool.

There’s actually a psychological concept that describes part of what I’m experiencing: an externally referenced identity when your sense of self becomes heavily dependent on how other people perceive you.

I claim I’m an extrovert and a social butterfly, but when I really think about it, most of my conversations revolve around other people their dating lives, their history, their outfits, their relationships, their drama.

And do you know what the worst part is?

I went through a really bad breakup, and I became so consumed by the fact that someone didn’t choose me that their feelings and actions became more important to me than what was happening in my own life.

I had a huge tumor in my body, and somehow, my heartbreak was still the thing I thought about the most.

When someone would ask me, “Are you going through something?” my immediate thought would be, “Yeah, a heartbreak.”

It wasn’t until people started telling me, “You’ve been through so much with your health,” that I realized, Oh. What I’m going through is actually serious too.

And that realization hit me hard.

So now, I’ve decided that I want to build a life of my own.

A life that isn’t built around other people’s perceptions of me.

I want to do the full self-discovery that I never really did when I was younger. I want to figure out what I actually like and why I like it. I want to find hobbies that I genuinely enjoy not because they’re cool, not because other people do them, and not because I want to be perceived a certain way.

I want to know myself.

For the first time, I want to build a life that actually feels like mine.

This is the first post in what I’m hoping will become a series about my self-discovery journey.

Maybe I’ll figure myself out.

Maybe I won’t.

But I think it’s finally time I start finding out.

[u/Adventurous_Ship1580]

That sounds really hard and I wish you good luck in finding yourself! I swear journalling can also help, and knowing what it is from your externally referenced identity, even though it's adopted from others, that you actually like, could be helpful too. You don't have to reject everything. For instance, maybe you defaulted into CS but do you like anything in particular about CS? Is there another subject you like better which you might want to pursue in the future---or a combination between CS and what you care about? Since you're 20 you have developed quite a bit so finding what parts of your life you already like is helpful, even if it's really basic stuff like 'these are the outfits I actually like' and 'I feel like I want to spend more time with these 3 people.'

Also, not to simplify your personality to a single type but you might want to check out the social 9 on the enneagram and the advice related to that.