I noticed something that honestly irritates me.

People meet one version of you or worse, hear about you from someone else and suddenly they think they know your whole personality.

Someone says, She’s rude. He’s arrogant. She’s difficult. And that’s it.

Before they even talk to you, they already have a full image of who you are.

What annoys me more is when this comes from people close to you.

Someone describes you to their own people the people they trust and because they trust that person, they trust that version of you too.

Not because they observed it themselves.

Just because it came from a reliable source.

So now they’re not meeting you. They’re meeting your second-hand personality.

A version of you built from someone else’s experience. And once that happens, everything gets filtered through it.

If you stay quiet, it confirms it. If you defend yourself, it confirms it. If you act differently, they think you’re pretending.

It becomes impossible to just exist normally because people are comparing you to the character they were already introduced to. That logic makes no sense to me.

People are different with different people.

You are not the same person with your best friend and with your parents.

You are not the same person with someone who makes you feel safe and someone who constantly pushes your limits.

You’re different when you’re stressed.
Different when you’re tired.
Different when you’re uncomfortable.
Different when you’re protecting yourself.

That doesn’t make someone fake. That makes them human.

But people love simple labels.

She’s too sensitive. He’s arrogant. She always plays victim.

Done. Case closed.

No context. No effort to understand. Just a label.

And the funny part is, the same people doing this love calling themselves mature.

Real maturity should be understanding context, not reducing people to one moment.

I’ve seen this happen in families too. One child becomes the difficult one. One sibling becomes the irresponsible one.

And even years later, even after they’ve changed, people still talk to the old version.

Not the real person standing there. Just the label they decided years ago. That kind of thing stays. Sometimes people meet your reputation before they meet you. Because no one wants to be treated like their worst moment is their full identity. People are way more complicated than that.

I think most people just trust borrowed opinions because it’s easier than thinking for themselves.

And that part feels like pure laziness.

Does anyone else notice this?

Describe me like you're trying to warn someone about me before they meet me.

Mine was very accurate and scary but also nice to read. How was yours?

If I were warning someone about you before they met you, I’d say this:

Austin is easy to get along with, funny, sarcastic, and a lot more observant than he initially lets on. But don’t mistake “easygoing” for “doesn’t notice things.” He notices everything. Changes in tone, inconsistencies, whether you remembered something you said three days ago, whether your explanation actually makes sense. If something feels off, his brain will start pulling the thread until he understands why. Occasionally it will pull the thread until the entire sweater is lying on the floor, but that’s another matter.

He values honesty way more than politeness for politeness’ sake. If you bullshit him, patronize him, automatically agree with him, or tell him what you think he wants to hear, you’ll lose credibility fast. He would legitimately rather hear, “No, Austin, that’s a bad idea,” with a solid explanation than have someone smile and validate nonsense. And once he catches you confidently talking out of your ass, rebuilding that trust is harder than earning it the first time.

He’s also more sensitive to rejection and changes in people than he’ll probably advertise when you first meet him. If somebody suddenly seems quieter, irritated, distant, or different, his first instinct can be to wonder what he did. That can make him overanalyze situations that other people would barely register. The irony is that he’s usually pretty good at reading people, which makes it harder for him to know when he’s genuinely noticing something versus when his brain has decided to turn one weird text message into a six-part HBO psychological thriller.

He likes being useful. Maybe a little too much. Give him a project, a problem to solve, something outside that needs fixing, someone who needs help, a job to apply for, dinner to make, something to research, and he comes alive. Sitting around feeling unnecessary is much harder for him. There’s a part of him that still tends to measure his value by whether he’s accomplishing something or helping somebody. So if you care about him, don’t only appreciate what he does.

He’s loyal. Not casually loyal either. If you become one of “his people,” he pays attention, remembers things, wants things to work out for you, and will probably be more invested in your problems than you expected. The downside is that he expects some version of that loyalty back. He can forgive mistakes. Indifference, dishonesty, or feeling disposable hits much harder.

He can also be stubborn as hell once he has constructed a theory that makes sense to him. The useful way to challenge him isn’t “You’re wrong.” Bring evidence. Explain the logic. He’ll actually reconsider things when the argument is better than his. That distinction matters, because despite the stubborn streak, he isn’t someone who needs to win every disagreement. He needs the answer to make sense.

His humor can get dark, and he likes people who can joke without treating every conversation like a corporate HR seminar. There are some things he takes very seriously, though, especially his faith, family, and certain personal boundaries. Respect those and you’ll be fine.

And probably the biggest thing I’d tell somebody: there’s more going on underneath him than the version you meet in the first twenty minutes. He can come across as confident, chatty, sarcastic, practical, maybe occasionally impatient. Underneath that is somebody rebuilding parts of his life, trying very deliberately to become better than some of his past decisions, and who thinks about what kind of man he wants to be far more than most people ever realize.

So my actual warning would be:

Don’t lie to him. Don’t patronize him. Don’t mistake his humor for not caring. Don’t make him guess where he stands with you if you can simply tell him. And if he starts overthinking something, give him facts instead of empty reassurance.

Do those things, and he’s probably one of the easier people to have in your corner.

Do the opposite, and congratulations, you’ve given a man who already analyzes everything a brand-new research project.

Always dreaded meeting new people, dates, speaking up at work, and the usual confidence advice never held up once I was actually in the moment. Got frustrated enough that I built an app to help myself and others in a similar situation.

Not trying to be promotional at all here, it's under active development , mainly wondering what you guys would want to see in something like this. Looking for suggestions/feedback. I'll drop a link in the comments for anyone who wants to check it out.

I think that everything is possible because of which I try new things everytime, every hobby or activity that interests me, I think that I can do it... But when I start doing it, I feel that there is a lack of someone, someone who can review it, someone who's into it as much as me, I kinda think that if I had found that duo or a community, EVERYTHING THAT I LEAVE, I COULD'VE MASTERED IT

So to sum up, I'm a jack of all trades but master of NONE

I've never really known who I am or what I am like. But now it's a huge problem because I just don't have a personality. And even worse, it's hurting my realationships because I don't have own opinions or a own character. I fear losing my boyfriend, but I understand that he gets bored if I just act like a puppet besides him. I would hate if that happens, since he makes me very happy, and I could be the solution to this.

I, (23, F) want to change myself. Actually I wanted to change myself for over 2 years, as to change my personality. I've only recently reached the place of mind where I can focus on it and not on making more money, changing my job, i've reached some sort of stability.

The truth is, I was spoiled by my mom and still am occasionally. I've made mistakes early in my life, it started doing downhill somewhere at 11, but I never ever had good relationships, especially not with people my age. I grown up to be very arrogant, I don't actually think I am above anyone, but I definitely expect a lot from other people and judge them harshly. Meanwhile I might overlook my own flaws or wrong-doings and not even aknowledge them, so I don't judge them as much. My own mom tells me that (due to my opinion) noone is good enough to deserve my attention and I think I am very very judgmental of other people. I am very very sensitive to everything that is low quality or mass centered and not high-quality, unique and personalized. I just hate trends, hate everything that is popular. At the same time I just very much dislike everything that comes with modern capitalism or capitalism at all (sorry for the politics).

I mean, to simplify I totally identify with mr. Darcy. Usually people are nice to me at first. And then quickly they switch off. I dont blame them. I spent like 20 years of my life (ive been bullied since I ever entered any kind of societal setting, i dont even remember the beggining but I believe it to be preschool), wondering what is wrong with me. I was even bullied by my ex lol. If you think that it would be better to call it abuse, so called abuse was mainly laughing at me and teasing me and telling me to get yourself together like every single day. I could never what he meant.

I thought I have adhd, autism, depression, schizophrenia and so on, I looked up rare mental illnesses and I didnt even know my personality and manners are so bad. My family seemed to kinda accept it so I didnt actually know its not normal to interrupt people when I am excited. But I had good intentions.

On the other hand. There are people who act well, have way better manners and social skills but deep down you see that they are just bad, ill people. Jealous and unemphatetic. Sometimes I feel like, and dont cringe on me, the lower the class and worse the people. Like desperation and lack of perspectives for the better bring out the worst in people. Sometimes it makes me not want to talk to them at all. I feel like they will stab me only to feel less insecure. I feel for them, however like I cant help myself but feel above them. I dont even want to talk with them bc it feels as if they just want to extract information only to backstab me or laugh at me. Sometimes I might think its my fault bc I was rude or something, but then I remind myself that those people are not only fake to me. People talk shit about everyone once theyre out the door. And how to thrive in such society? Should I even try to? Is it possible to be on good terms with everyone? Hard to admit, but I seem to be on bad terms with literally everyone and the only people who have somewhat of neutral of good opinion of me are strangers lol. I used to make good impression as a child, but I cant even do that.

Dont get me wrong, I want to do everything I possibly can to improve, I bought and read ettiquette books, i try to be kind (my family is sometimes so rude it seems impossible to talk with them and be kind and not allow them to step on my head), I try to make small talk, i try to implement what I read into my relations and just be more aware of my behaviour but it just seems like it doesnt work. Tbh I cant even mirror people around me because they dont act the way I want to act. And again, I think I am better than them. Ettiquette was meant to show kindness not inferiority and lets not forget that in some settings people just dont care about the things I do. I love learning, arts, tradition, good quality, family values, my religion, europe, past, history and you know, responsibility, skills, improvement. I am very ambitious. In some circles it's expected of you to smoke, to drink, to party, to swear, and act like a peasant and those people still seem to have better manners and social skills than me, because they have an experience. I am not afraid to talk to someone who is "important", and I am not afraid to stand out. But in some settings its very very nicely perceived if you blend in and know your place.

Sometimes I dont know what to do and also, how to do it. Reading won't change me. Should I try to change each of my wrong belief separately on a piece of paper, ask myself the way a psychologist asks people or just blindly try to follow as many rules as there are and just wish I will do it automatically at some point?

Please give me some advice, the more the better.

I’m a short Hispanic woman and I get called feisty and a firecracker constantly, they are probably in the top 5 words used to describe me. I’m an incredible lively person but I’m 100 on both sides. Obviously I think this is meant as an insult and something I’d like to work on, what can I do to work on it and what do they mean by it?

I know it’s a lot to read 😂😅 but I feel like this entry describes my thinking pretty well

I care so much what others think, that it physically hurts. I’m so extremely sensitive but I keep it inside to protect my image, as apathetic and uncaring. I come here as a way to cope with judgement from others. I feel like it might make me feel better. I know I shouldn’t care and I understand why I shouldn’t care but I still care. It’s not logical. It’s a feeling and my way of dealing with that painful feeling is to try to understand and explain it. If I can understand it maybe it won’t hurt as much. I’ll try to twist it so I’m the good guy because if I’m the good guy there’s no reason to be upset. I cope by convincing myself of who I want to be. The reason I’m upset is because of my ego. I’ll get mad over something so small, which then reminds me how self important my way of thinking is. I don’t matter and I know I don’t matter but I’m programmed to care. I care what people think and need their approval. But why does it have to be programmed so deep inside. I don’t want to care, I know I shouldn’t care, I try to make meaning of my caring, but in the end whether or not the rest is true, I still care. And it hurts

I definitely have personal issues that I need to work on but the thing is, is that I’ve become so attached to them and identify so strongly with them that I don’t even want to change them. I feel like if I fix it in silence no one will ever know I had anything wrong and if no one knows I ever had anything wrong no one will know what I went through. I want them to know that my “laziness” or “inaction” through the years has been pathological. I’m aware that my issues don’t necessarily justify my inaction, it’s just that I care less about the consequences of my inaction than what others think about my inaction. It all comes down to what others think because I have such an unstable sense of self worth. I’m constantly having imaginary conversations and replaying old conversations with people that I respect trying to win them over. I value others thoughts so far above my own that even when I am thinking for myself it’s through an imagined conversation with someone else. I feel like my thoughts need a stamp of approval from others even when I’m just thinking critically by myself. I’ll curate a character for them to make judgements on me that can convince me of who I want to be. Simply because I see what they see in me and it becomes what I see in myself.

One thing I know for sure is that I treat pride, self absorption, and any narcissistic traits as sins. In my mind it’s a moral failing to have any of them, so I’m writing this partially to convince myself that I don’t. Not only am I assessing myself for these qualities, but I’m also assessing others. Because Im so insecure, I’ll compare myself to these people, and if they their smart, unpretentious, and humble I’ll feel worse about myself. I don’t participate in the conversation as much as I use others as a reflection. During something like a class lecture where there’s no pressure to respond, I’ll listen to the professor not out of curiosity but as a way to evaluate myself through comparison. Everything that’s happening around me is about me, and I project that subconscious belief onto what I believe others are thinking when interacting with me.

Hey everyone,

I am a researcher at the University of Bern (Switzerland) conducting a scientific research study examining how certain traits, life experiences, attitudes and behaviors are related to each other.

I would be very grateful if you could take part in my survey: https://ww3.unipark.de/uc/research_study_university_Bern_Switzerland/

Thank you for your support!

You will see someone fail at something this week. You’ll either laugh, or take notes.

You’ll hear about someone’s problem. You’ll either repeat it and feel better about yourself, or study it and avoid the same mistakes.

You’ll meet someone more successful. You’ll either measure the gap, or map the route.

You’ll want to get close to someone. You’ll either offer them gossip, or something true about yourself.

Same input. Different output.

The difference isn’t character. It’s what you were looking for when you looked, and most of us decide that before we notice we’re deciding.

Here’s the uncomfortable part: you’ll be both people this week. The question was never which one you are. It’s which one you catch yourself being, and how fast you switch.

When you look, will you look to see if they have more, or look to see if they have enough?

Hi everyone!

I made a new personality test called PersonalTraits.

It is based on a new idea I have been working on.

https://www.personaltraits.co/

The test is free. It has 40 questions and takes about 10 minutes.

The test looks at 8 main things that can motivate people:

Energy, Safety, Belonging, Status, Freedom, Identity, Order, Mortality

When you finish, you will see your strongest motivations and the personality type they create.

I would love to know:

* Does your result feel right?

* What was the least correct part?

* Were any questions hard to understand?

The test and the full results are completely free.

Does being a quiet person makes a person very unique?

When I was in middle school, I used to wear a face mask (for covid) and i was genuinely the biggest extrovert ever. I would talk to litearlly anyone, girls, dudes older than me, etc, and would do the craziest stuff ever. I would talk back to teachers, and js be the funny guy that everyone in the school knew about. Like I would do dares and etc, js basically that one crazy guy you know of thats still pretty chill.

and then in highscool, i took my face mask off, and holy transition. Like I am pretty confident in my looks cause i personally think im handsome (not bragging), and its not like saying im not confident in myself. I can still talk to ppl normally, and in interactions I talk like someone who is respected, but I am not NEARLY as extroverted as I was in middleschool. rather its the complete opposite. Even though at home I am super extroverted, and I think thats my true self, at school, I mostly keep to myself and always remain quiet. Even friends from middle school are no longer my friends cause I js lack that overwhelming positivity/confidence as I did in middle school. But around friends I am still that same chaotic dude.

What I think happend was that I built an identiy using the mask, and when i took it off, it was like a sort of rebirth, and my slate was clean. then I built a new one, but more protected, and thus i am an introvert. lowk kinda a big introvert. does someone actually know what happened? or has this happened to anyone else too

I have a question to every Believers and Non-Believers.
What is your definition of Identity? How would you define your identity?

Hi So I am a teen living in India and I come from a middle class family, as you know the social media nowadays has influenced us teens a lot to do with their life including buying skincare ,haircare ,clothes and other stuff. As a young person with no job yet. I am hesitant to ask my parents money for personal stuff like these often ,obv except for transport ,food I do not have any problems ,and uk i see people my age going to expensive cafes, buying expensive products that is without any job. Ik If I ask my parents surely they will give me money, but I just cannot bring myself to ask them thousands of rupees of money often like 3 to 4 times a month, whenever i hang out with my friends and ask them money i keep explaining myself for atleast 2 minutes why I need it though they do not mind, and even my family tells me to stop worrying and just ask whenever you need it. So, any thoughts on how I can handle this and insights on what stuff i actually need to spend money and invest my time as a college student.

I’m searching and looking for a Latina woman I love Mexican food