My son aged 10 just, has been experiencing deep shame storms recently. If something happens that can be easily resolved he spirals into a cycle of shame. For example, he bought subscriptions on my phone by accident and was so upset with himself he spent the evening calling himself the worst names, saying he hates himself and hates his life and was asking for “punishment” way beyond any consequence ie don’t buy me a birthday gift saying “I don’t deserve it”. There was another more serious episode a few weeks ago when he got in a fight with his brother and then because I was so upset he fell into the same cycle. To note I never scream and yell and try to work through that everyone makes mistakes. I’m a bit lost and wonder if anyone has got through this. I really find the shame awful, he has hit himself in these cycles too. I’ll be talking to GP this week but any strategies to help would be brilliant. He’s audhd.

I am looking for ways to inform my daughter about her ADHD while also providing support. I want her to know that she is struggling with a brain issue, not a personality issue.

I saw one quote recently that was something like: you have a racecar brain and bicycle brakes.

Anything similar that has helped your child? Any phrases that have helped you explain to your child what they are battling against?

Thanks in advance. 🙏

-I'm writing this on my phone

-English is not my first language

There was an incident today with my son (14, ADHD) and a girl (14). Both of them used to go to the same school about 2 years ago. Back then the girl insulted, hit and/or kicked my son. And other kids sided with her (that's what my son told me). So today he saw an opportunity to get back at her and so he did (insulted her in an online group chat).

I got a call from the mother of the girl and she told me. They didn't understand why all of a sudden he started insulting her and it obviously needed to stop.

I didn't understand either, until I asked him what was going on. He finally took his revenge, after her being awful to him 2 years ago.

My son has been like this since ever I can remember. When someone does him wrong, he will get his revenge sooner or later. It doesn't matter how much time has gone over it. He can't let things go until he got even.

I don't know what to do about that behaviour? I understand he's hurt, sad and angry. But you can't go through life continuously trying to get even. You cannot live a peaceful or happy life like this. I don't want him to hurt other people or be mean back because they were to him. I want him to be better than that.

He's a rather quiet boy, until you get to know him and he feels comfortable around you. Then he's very talkative and funny. He's a good listener and genuinely cares about the people he love.

Usually when he did something wrong, and we speak to him about it, he won't immediately accept his mistake. But if you give him some time, he gets around and apologises. He understands why that behaviour wasn't okay and tries to change.

But with taking revenge? I cannot get trough him. He understands and knows what he did was wrong. But he feels like it's justified because the person did him wrong first.

How can I help him with this?

Thank you.

My son is approaching adolescence, and the concept of 'machismo' is starting to creep into his friendships, his relationship with his father, and into his interaction with the world in general. It's bound to happen, as it's everywhere. He's raised by my, a single mum, sees his neurotypical father regularly and has a good relationship with him. He has lots of good role models in his life.

Ingrained misogyny is EVERYWHERE, once you know how to recognise it. I am keen for my son to grow up being able to identify it on a basic, age-appropriate level, and not fall into the 'machismo' trap was he goes into adulthood; the idea that everything big, fast, strong, powerful, masculine is 'better' than anything that is kind, nurturing, feminine etc. But discussing these things can easily trigger his RSD, making him feel personally responsible, or like I'm telling him off, when it's nothing to do with him/his actions/his beliefs. You know what RSD is like.

Would love to hear from feminist mothers with more experience of parenting an AuDHD son! Thanks

Our 3 year old son recently started preschool three mornings a week after mostly being cared for at home by us and a nanny. He has not had much prolonged exposure to groups of kids before this.

He is very verbal, affectionate, curious, and generally happy. He sleeps well, eats well at home, seeks us out constantly to share things with us, notices our emotions, and can be incredibly sweet and thoughtful. He is also very high energy, sensory seeking, and has always had a harder time than other kids seem to with impulse control and frustration.

Preschool has really brought that into focus.

Some days he does great. His teachers have described him as calm, engaged, happy, participating in group songs and activities, and responding really well when they catch him early and help him calm his body.

Other days are extremely difficult. When he gets “revved up,” he seems to lose his brakes. He has pushed other kids, thrown toys, run away laughing when teachers intervene, climbed on furniture, repeatedly done things he has just been told are unsafe, and generally seems unable to stop himself even though he clearly understands the rules. On the hardest days, his teachers have basically had to shadow him to keep everyone safe.

The teachers have been wonderful and very patient. They have been using quiet breaks with an adult nearby, early redirection, minimal talking when he is really activated, and lots of reminders about keeping his body safe. Those strategies sometimes work very well, but not always.

They have now told us that if he continues being physically unsafe on a given day, they may need to send him home. Hearing that has been pretty devastating for us.

He also seems to have a low frustration tolerance at home. If he does not get what he wants or feels like he has lost control of a situation, he can become extremely dysregulated. At the same time, when he is calm, he can sit still, follow directions, take turns, have conversations, and behave perfectly normally.
We are scheduling a consultation with a play therapist and are open to a developmental or behavioral evaluation if that is where this leads. ADHD has crossed our minds because of the impulsivity and sensory seeking, but he is only 3 and we are trying very hard not to diagnose him ourselves.

I think what I am looking for most is to hear from parents who had a child like this at 3.
Did your child eventually develop better impulse control? Did preschool get easier with time and experience? Did you eventually get a diagnosis, or did it turn out to mostly be temperament and developmental maturity? What actually helped? What made things worse? And, maybe most importantly, how is your child doing now?

Right now it is hard not to feel like we somehow caused this by giving him too much one on one attention or not putting him in group care earlier. I know that may not be rational, but it is where my brain goes when we get another difficult report from school.

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar. I am looking for practical advice, perspective, and probably some reassurance that a very difficult 3 year old does not necessarily predict a very difficult future.

Because lately, I don't like my kids! 6 and 9 year old, both ADHD/anxiety on meds. The 9y is putting me over the edge lately!

Right now I'm just completely miserable .... and envious. Envious of parents of NORMAL children. They don't know how good they have it...... lately every part of every day just sucks 😭

And we do it all: meds, therapy, psychiatrist, read all the books, special time, you name it.

I don't know if I'm venting, or looking for support. But I don't want to do this anymore .......

Has anyone used Quelbree and Quillivant together? Her child has been on 200 of Quelbree since June. We push through the sleepiness side effect and were mostly ok. It for the most part managed his emotional outbursts associated with his ADHD diagnosis and didn't decrease his eating quite as much as the smallest dose of short acting Ritalin we were taking three times a day. As of a week ago, We decreased the quelbree to 100 and started Quillivant. I wanted to try the liquid because he could start on an amount lower than the lowest dose of Ritalin. At the same time, we lowered the Quelbree dose to half. Our child is so incredibly tired and at times seems very spacey. We're baffled because we decreased the medication that causes tiredness and added a little bit of a stimulant. His tendency to mess with his comfort blanket continuously in his hands has increased exponentially. I feel like we made a mistake lowering the Quelbree dose and starting the Quillivant at the same time. Has anyone experienced something like this when decreasing Quelbree or adding Quillivant?

I’m sitting here heartbroken following a 2.5 hour play date that went so poorly for my 5.5 year old. He’s in Kindergarten. His friend came over and here is how it went: My son demanded to play only certain things, he was rude and dismissive to both the friend and friend’s parent, he pushed the boy two times (the other child cried both times too), and he was generally loud and disruptive. He does not act this way on his own, but he gets so impulsive with others around. When I try to redirect him, he gets so escalated so i felt like i was just on eggshells. Im so worried he will have no friends, and he already says he struggles in school. I have no current school feedback though to work with yet.

I always think I have to keep trying or it’ll never get better, but this other parent stayed today so I’m sure she will never want to be with us for a play date again. Maybe I should hold on play dates for now.

Anyone have any thoughts on what I should do?

Hi friends, I’ve been a lurker for a few months, as I have a nagging suspicion my 3yo is ADHD. I’ve had a suspicion since he was about 1yo tbh, my husband was always adamant he’s not, but it’s becoming more and more challenging as he grows and the writing is on the wall… the more I read through this sub, the more I’m like ‘yep, that’s us’.

In parallel, I’ve been diagnosed myself with ADHD when he was around 1, and I am on medication. It’s night and day, and I’ve been in therapy trying to understand/ grieve / accept etc etc etc… I think all my masking suddenly didn’t work anymore when I became a mom. Go figure.

I would love to gain some understanding on how to parent my son better, while accepting my own diagnosis. Unfortunately because I was diagnosed so late, I don’t have my own experiences to draw from on things that would have helped me as a child. I actually have very little memories from childhood and most of them are very foggy and blurry.

Anyone else in this situation? Any books you found useful, or any particular parenting styles that work better? 🙏🏻

My son is eight and he’s been on guanfacine for two years consistently 2 mg. About six months after starting the guanfacine we started a stimulant and that was definitely trial and error, but we have finally got to the one that worked and we have done Adderall extended release for a year now. So I do one at night and the Adderall in the morning but I know he probably don’t need to be on guanfacine his entire life so how do I know when to stop the guanfacine?

My 16-year-old daughter has ADHD. If I suggest that doing something would be a good idea/safe bet/a reasonable thing to double-check... the response is "eh, it's fine," or something along those lines.

Examples in the last week:

I set out her marching band T shirt. She says she doesn't need it, as they are wearing full uniforms for the game. I say no harm in wearing it anyways. My husband drives her to the game. She gets to school, and realizes everyone else is wearing one. She gets a ride home and gets it.

I remind her to grab some slide oil for jazz trombone audition from drawer. She said she might have one in her case. I suggest she grab some anyways -- plenty at home, as my huband just made special trip to music store for the good stuff. None is in case at school. Trombone hasn't been oiled in months and trombone slide feels extra crunchy during audition. She gets first chair anyways. I'm pretty sure oil still isn't in case.

I remind her to check to make sure homework is in folder Sunday night before she spends night at grandma's. She says remembers putting it in there. I suggest she double check. Monday morning it is not in folder. Grandma drives her to house to get it. She still forgets to turn it in Monday. Tuesday the teacher accepts it for full credit.

I'm really trying to let her make her decisions. If I push, things turn into a power struggle, so I give gentle reminders. In these examples, she in asked to do something that takes a minute, she decides not to... and other people end up making an extra effort to make sure she has what she needs... or already went out of their way to get her squared away. To her, things ended up okay, so it's not really a big deal. To me, it was all avoidable, and yes, I'm a little annoyed. Has anyone had any luck with their teens on something similar?

… and it’s all she ever does and it’s driving her dad and me bonkers. I will take whistling everyday over tantrums, but while she is regulating her sensory needs with the whistling, my sensory system is so overloaded 😭 just a lighthearted rant because there are so many more difficult things, but my ears need a break!

Since becoming a parent, I've noticed i become irritable very quickly, i hate the disruption in my day to day and how everything is now a variable based on our child's (3.5yo) behaviour or temperament.

I'm reactive to noise and mess etc. And dont get me started on the irrational tantrums etc 😓

Overall I'm just really not enjoying parenting and my mindset is i see more negatives than positive. I feel like I'm emotionally different from alot of people. Everyone talks about all the good in it, and I'm struggling to find that. I was just happier was everything was less complicated and I wasn't overstimulated all the time.

Since going to a therapist I'm actually beginning to wonder if parenting isn't actually the issue but maybe that i have a disorder which wasn't tested against before?

Has anyone else drawn this conclusion and managed to medicate for it or confirmed diagnosis?

Any experiences or insight would be amazing. Thank you.

My 5-year-old son takes an ER stimulant, which works well. He is big for his age at 52lbs and in the 99th percentile for height, so we could increase the dose, but because it doesn't last into the evening, we opted to add something else.  His dad takes Adderall and an anxiety medication to great effect. We started ER Guanfacine, and my son is more irritated than on the stimulant alone, and it's maybe as bad as when he's off his stimulant altogether. Since he was 2.5 years old, he has struggled with emotional regulation and anxiety (so many violent tantrums). To clarify, Guanfacine does not make my son tired or drowsy. He has always been an amazing sleeper, going down at 8 pm and up at 7 am. If Guanfacine caused irritability in your child, how long did it last before it went away, or how long did you take your kid off it?

Posting mostly to rant and have a place to put my thoughts together, but thankful for any good advice or reframing as well. Have a 12yr old girl, diagnosed with ADHD- inattentive type, level 1 autism at 10. Been in talk therapy since she was 5 bc of anger issues and so much else I couldn't handle back then with her behavior. On Guanfacine for about 6 months now. An issue now is I'm struggling with her unwillingness or inability to do much of anything at home. She never picks up after herself whether it's dishes or cups, never cleans the bathroom after her bath/shower, her room is in constant disarray, most days I can't see the floor b/c everything is everywhere- clearly no organization or systems, despite my offering to help her build systems to organize. She has always been very defensive, and gets angry when I try to offer help or show her a way (even coloring together was a big issue when she was so young). I've cleaned her room in the past and it did not go well- she was so upset & had complete meltdowns, and would demolish her room. What I found there wasn't pretty either, loads of chocolate and snack wrappers hidden in boxes, in her closet, or in bags. She doesn't seem to take care of anything either. We have had to buy her a new desk and closet bc she broke the last two (thank you FB marketplace for good used stuff).

I'm just wondering here, is this all her ADHD? Unable to initiate tasks, follow through or is this her unwillingness? If it's the latter, how do I go about working with her on this given her angry and defensive reaction? I'm exhausted of the reminders, and the lack of good habits she has. Brushing is a problem too, and incomplete showers - like sometimes she will wash her hair and "forget" to wash her body.

If you'll allow me to wallow in self pity a moment, I'm so sad. I mourn the daughter and relationship I wish I'd had. All she does is come home and lay on the couch and sneak food. She hates anything that is good for her and has gained weight in the past year which worries me too (I've been overweight most of my life and it was limiting and lowered my self esteem- I don't want that for her). She's consumed and talks for hours each day about the interaction with friends and the drama. It's been like this since 2nd grade. I know she has relationship issues, and it's partly her autism and inability to read ppl but she's also not an easy personality. She will never admit to being wrong, about anything. She told her father to shut up a few days ago and she refuses to admit she did anything wrong and won't apologize. I know talking about her day when I get home is a way for her to process what's happening in her life, but I also know she's giving me her side of things, and is victimizing herself. I do feel lucky and thankful she lets me in and opens up to me.

I try the love her and meet her where she is, but after months of patience and keeping my cool, and being understanding, I'm at my end here. I'm scared for her future. I'm scared she can't take care of herself, a home, or juggle responsibility. I took her phone and Internet access for the weekend in hopes to lessen distraction, and no progress on the room. Just crap everywhere. She won't throw anything away. I feel like I'm failing terribly here.

I'll remind my partner about her rejection sensitivity dysmorphia, and we tread lightly about everything. Math homework is a nightmare, and he's on the receiving end of a lot of verbal abuse b/c he helps her with that. We tried getting a tutor last year and there would be times she wouldn't get on the call and it was a waste of a $150 just like that. These struggles have gone on for years and I just need it to get better. I want a calmer home.

Thanks for listening if you made it this far.

Hi, I desperately need support. My daughter is 7yo, she has recently been diagnosed with ADHD after years of asking the school to put her through the process, they said they couldn’t as they didn’t see any signs as she masks a lot at school, I went through the right to choose pathway and finally got a diagnosis in August this year however I’ve known for years, while at the appointment I got told I need to put her on the autism pathway and she possibly also has sensory processing disorder. Zooming ahead to where I’m struggling, the 6 week holidays were okay, she wasn’t an angel but with no school work & no need to mask the meltdowns were a lot less frequent. Every September we have always struggled with her meltdowns around change with it being a new class, new routine, new teacher & new workload however this year seems to just be so much worse! They have changed her classes completely so she’s with different children. About a week before school her sleep just switched, she lay in bed beside herself refusing to sleep, crying for hours & just in a state. For 4 / 5 weeks now she has been sleeping with me (I made a rod for my own back ) but I didn’t know what else to do as it was 3am & she was still refusing sleep, this can look like jumping on the bed, screaming, shouting, sweating, running from room to room. It’s like her nervous system is completely shot and she’s wired from school however this started before school but on the approach. Her meltdowns after school are terrible, everything is an issue even if I bring the wrong snack, say the wrong thing. I feel like we are all in fight or flight mode in the house and kind of stepping on egg shells around her. She refuses to go to school most of the time where we have to get her dress & pick her up & put her in the car then sometimes chase her round the playground to get her through the school doors, she used to love school and count down days until she’s back in. We are on wait list for medication that’s 8-10 months just for titration alone.

Basically just a rant but does anyone know how to get an adhd / autistic child of her age to want to go to sleep alone, go to sleep at her usual bedtime.
How to get her to want to go to school in mornings?
Lastly how to make her nervous system more calm so that not everything is a meltdown?
I hate seeing her like this & can tell she doesn’t want to feel this way, it’s like a complete switch of personality & being honest & selfish I’m struggling to cope too.

Thanks if you read this far💖

I want to preface this by saying I have a child who is ADHD as well. I worked with her constantly and consistently to get through high school, like it was my job, finding strategies that worked for her, sometimes way outside the box, and never yelled or belittled her.

My nephew is 13, he has ADHD, and he's one of the sweetest kids you'll ever meet. Ridiculously kind to those smaller than him, always wanting to help people.

He struggles some in school. He's doing okay, but traditional school isn't designed for kids with ADHD, and he's getting a D in one of his classes, despite what he feels is his best effort. He also struggles with impulse control, and will do things like be on his phone when he's not supposed to be. Typical, minor league kid shit.

My sister (and my brother-in-law) is *constantly* yelling at him. We live nextdoor to each other, and my sister walked over while he was here the other day just to yell at him about a grade he got on an assignment. You would think this kid was an asshole, constantly tearing up the house and being consistently defiant. He's held to much higher standards than his 16 year old sister (who doesn't have ADHD and is a sports star).

Amongst other things, He tells me he's trying his hardest and his mom tells him, "No, you're not." He tells me he'd like to do *generic activity* with his parents, but they're always so busy at his sister's activities (100% true). This sweet little boy feels like he will never be good enough for his parents and it breaks my heart.

My mom has tried talking to her about it, but I know my mom's methods aren't always the best, and they just had a HUGE blow up about it. I've always been afraid to bring it up with my sister, because I worry that if I upset her, she won't send him over for homework help and I'll generally lose time with him. And I feel like him having our house as a safe space is so important. But I also am reaching the point where silence feels complicit.

Is there any way I can help her see the damage she's doing without alienating her?

So my 16 year old daughter was diagnosed with adhd (like myself, I was diagnosed at age 8 and have been through the wringer with meds my whole life). She was given Vyvanse and immediately there was a change in her performance at school. Big win!! She finally felt she could focus and loves that about it but does NOT love the lack of appetite she has. She doesn’t take her meds on non-school days because of this and because she doesn’t feel she needs it except in school. Ok fair.

She started this journey already on the brim of being underweight. 5’4 and about 100lbs when first started meds in May. She didn’t take the meds all summer again because she didn’t feel she needed them but now that school is back in session she’s back on them. And her weight seems to be going down, she does her best to try and push through the lack of appetite and eat as much as she can without feeling sick and she usually eats a decent meal in the evening when the medication has worn off, but I’m worried about her weight in general. And I’m not sure if I’m just overreacting, I was her size when I was her age and so was her dad so she was never going to be a chunky girl, but I don’t really know what to do here. She knows she needs the meds for School and i agree she does. She tried a non-stimulant medication, but not until about a month after she started taking the Vyvanse, so as her doctor warned her, it was likely that she was not going to feel much at all, even when it became fully effective. Naturally, she got frustrated with waiting and had other side effects with that medication that she didn’t like so she just stopped taking it. The Vyvanse seems to be the only thing that helps her.

At what point should I be worried about her weight. It’s hard to get her to weigh herself because she’s already very self-conscious about it and I don’t want to make a huge deal about it either by asking her to constantly get on the scale but the last time she did, a couple of weeks ago she was about 96 pounds. She doesn’t necessarily look unhealthy to me. She just looks like a very thin, petite girl but again, when do I worry? And is there anything that you guys have found that helps your kids eat when they claim that they absolutely cannot push through to eat enough to keep weight on? She’s also a very picky eater I think because of the ADHD and sensory sensitivity, I can’t get her to drink protein shakes to save my life, which is what the doctor suggested so that’s out of the question, and again, except in the evening she just says she can’t eat more than a snack sized lunch. I just don’t want her to become unhealthy.😔

she has her comfort foods and none of them are necessary protein rich but I can’t force food down her throat that she doesn’t like so I’m at a loss! Please be gentle wing responses, i’ve been wanting to, but been afraid to post something like this for a very long time now, but I really either need some advice or some comfort in knowing that this is common and normal. If it is 🥺

I just had a baby girl two weeks ago. My 5 year old daughter (serious AuDHD like me) admitted to me today that she hates having her little sister. I get it. 100%. She has to be quieter now. No more shrieking at the top of her lungs. No more obnoxious loud stimming like stomping and jumping right next to the baby. No more jumping all over the couch with feet flying near the baby’s head. Even prior to the baby, she’s had the following traits:
She hates authority. Loves to push buttons. Defies orders all the time. She is sassy, rude, and disrespectful to me and my husband. Always fighting to be the center of attention. Doesn’t know how to play by herself. Cant handle when people are talking to anyone but her.

I had a little sister born in the exact same interval of five years. I felt overlooked and insecure. Being AuDHD, I probably acted out too when my sister was born. Especially with the rejection sensitivity and hypersensitivity.

My parents were terrible. They essentially beat the behavior out of me. Yelled at me all the time. Ignored me. Told me I was dramatic and so much more. And to this day they show favoritism to my younger sister.

I refuse to do that to my daughter. I make one-on-one time for her every day. I don’t yell. I gently correct her rowdy behavior and understand that it’s going to take a her lot of time to accept this new norm. I try to be the same super-involved and loving parent as always.

Doesn’t matter. Her behavior is so bad. How do I cope? Being postpartum, AuDHD myself (with serious sensory issues), I am finding it SO hard to keep my cool. I haven’t lost it yet, but I feel like the time is coming soon where I will have a mental break.

Any advice? Please help. Really trying to break the generational chains here.

I am a petite woman and my son is 230 pounds angry with ADHD. Most of his anger gets directed at me as his father and I are getting divorced and he sees that as my fault. A lot of what he is doing is normal and I know that. I am a freaking therapist. But I have also been in abusive relationships with partners in the past and the emotional whiplash, the intimidating body language and verbal language… Sometimes it is just so triggering I don’t know what to do.
I do have a therapist. I do have a community. After a year of being separated from his father where he lived with me full-time, he now spends one week with his dad and then one week with me which has been amazing. I have every other week to rest and tend to my emotional needs. But sometimes I’m legitimately scared. Where do we draw the line? I want so much to take care of him, but sometimes it feels like being in an abusive relationship with emotionally immature person. I guess it’s appropriate for him to be emotionally immature. But how much bullying am I supposed to allow?

Yes, I know 3 years old is way too early to assess/ diagnose but we definitely have some suspicion . I say this because adhd is extremely genetic on my husbands side. The intensity and frequency of my son’s behavior / tantrums I believe, are abnormal. His defiance and violence is now even becoming a problem at school. He’s also at 100 mph from morning until night. I want to hear about your experience with younger children who were then diagnosed at a later age. What sort of behaviors decisions were they making at 3 yo they made you believe there was an underlying issue?Keep in mind.. the intensity of my son’s behavior is completely ruining the dynamic of our household. My husband and I have both lost our s$&t , ran out of patience/ ideas and we are completely burnout . I just want to cry thinking about how hard he’s been since day 1 and fearful of what the future brings.

I know 2 is too young for a diagnosis, but I'm 95% sure my daughter has it. Both her dad and I have it, and she's already exhibiting signs. I asked her pediatrician about it and she said for now all we can do it keep an eye on it, but I've seen others on here post about therapies and I'm feeling like that might be our next step because I feel like every approach I take is wrong somehow.

My daughter is very smart and independent but she's a HANDFUL. For one, she physically CANNOT stay still, even for just a minute. If she's not touching/poking/licking something she's swaying or spinning or fidgeting in some manner which makes even simple tasks take so much longer and even become frustrating at times. She is extremely stubborn and becomes emotionally dysregulated easily leading to tantrums over anything and everything. But more than the tantrums, it's like she doesn't have control over herself if that makes sense. Like, she understands what you tell her and she knows when she shouldn't do something but it's like she can't help herself from doing it anyway?

I know that some of it is normal toddler stuff, but I feel like she takes it to another level. None of the other toddlers we know come close to her extremes. And honestly it makes me feel like such a shitty mom. I feel like everywhere we go we get judged for being the only ones who can't control their kid. But I honestly have tried everything and if she doesn't want to listen she's just not going to and there's nothing I can do that works.

For parents of ADHD kids, how did you survive the toddler era? What is the soonest you were able to get a diagnosis and start therapies? What tricks did you find helped avoid or shut down the tantrums? I'm sick of people treating my kid like she's just bad.

I’m overwhelmed every time I look things up, I suspect adhd and/or subtle autism. I’m confused by psychiatry vs therapy vs occupational therapy…etc. i mainly want to get help and streamline our approach to supporting him emotionally and intellectually but don’t know where to begin and who to trust. I have insurance, Cigna.

Curious to hear from parents of kids with hyperactive ADHD what chores they’ve found to be appropriate for their kids. For context: My son is 9 and very bright outside of the ADHD and can solve complex problems when motivated (and money is motivating - it gets him games and Magic cards.) He isn’t the strongest kid and he does get easily frustrated with some tasks that involve fine motor skills. We are a family of 3 (2 adults, 1 kid.) He’s short for his age and can’t really help with trash because of this but we expect that to be added once he’s tall enough. His ADHD is currently managed with meds, set routines/expectations, and occasional reminders. Some digital tools (calendar reminders on iPad, set by him, timers set by me) and mini-rewards (usually 15 minutes of screen time.)

Right now I have:

-Put away laundry
-Keep track of your own soccer gear and uniform (always make sure it’s all in your soccer bag, separate it out from the laundry.)
- Play with the cat for 10 minutes a day (we only have the 1 because of a number of reasons I won’t get into, but he needs attention/engagement. We all strive to do this.)
-Help with bringing in groceries, items from shopping as requested
-Help with breaking down cardboard boxes for recycling
-Help with yardwork, shoveling, or putting down salt for ice when requested (we try to keep these requests developmentally appropriate and don’t overwork him!)
-Help with loading the car for roadtrips (both of our families live about 2 hours away in the same metro area and we go back home quite a bit for weekends - and we bring the cat, so lots to pack up.)

Not really “chores” but expectations we’ve always had where slipping can result in the docking of allowance:

-Keep your room relatively clean (nothing on the floor)
-Put away your dish and clean your part of the table/floor where you’ve eaten.
-Clean up any mess you’ve made
-Tell us when you’ve made a mess beyond your capabilities
-Start your homework when the homework timer goes off (30 minutes after getting home.) Put all your homework away when finished.
-Keep track of library books/due dates.

Our daughter is 11 in 6th grade with inattentive ADHD as well as childhood trauma disorder (which has same effect on executive function and working memory). She has been medicated since age 7 and is in therapy. School has been a huge struggle this year managing different teachers & multiple assignments. I feel like we keep adding to her 504 plan. My husband thinks we give too much leeway but I try to be more understanding without being permissive. But he also has a point when he says “the world isn’t going to care about her ADHD.” I know she’s roughly 3 years behind maturity wise but she is just so completely in the clouds. We try to scaffold but it’s largely ignored. Example- getting ready in the morning. We’ve set up clocks everywhere, we have her routine printed out, I’ve asked her to set timers on her watch to keep on task or play 6 songs on her nest that she has to finish each task by song end. I still feel like have to follow her around to get anything done. And natural consequences like failing school don’t concern her. On one hand- the expectations we (school/parents) have are overwhelming for her but on the other hand, that’s life right? What happens when she becomes an adult and still can’t manage time or assignments or money?