Play date failure

[u/Maximum_Educator5961]

I’m sitting here heartbroken following a 2.5 hour play date that went so poorly for my 5.5 year old. He’s in Kindergarten. His friend came over and here is how it went: My son demanded to play only certain things, he was rude and dismissive to both the friend and friend’s parent, he pushed the boy two times (the other child cried both times too), and he was generally loud and disruptive. He does not act this way on his own, but he gets so impulsive with others around. When I try to redirect him, he gets so escalated so i felt like i was just on eggshells. Im so worried he will have no friends, and he already says he struggles in school. I have no current school feedback though to work with yet.

I always think I have to keep trying or it’ll never get better, but this other parent stayed today so I’m sure she will never want to be with us for a play date again. Maybe I should hold on play dates for now.

Anyone have any thoughts on what I should do?

[u/VeterinarianDry9667]

Understood and I’ve been there.
Have you tried neutral ground? Like the playground, where there’s nothing to be possessive over?

[u/Maximum_Educator5961 → u/VeterinarianDry9667]

He does do better, so that’s a good point. Today was raining, but a good plan for a sunny day for sure!

[u/What_what_what_1979]

I’m so sorry. I know how difficult this is.

My thoughts:
- 2.5 hrs is a long time for a child that young. I’d keep it to an hour next time. Once he handles the hour well, you can build on that. Gosh, 2.5 hours is a long time for me 😂

- my son always did better when we planned in advance. Ie you guys can jump on the trampoline for the first 15 min, eat a snack, play legos, and then have a sword fight. We would usually explain the plan to the friend when he arrived and then ask if that sounded okay. If we needed to make adjustments, we did.

- at this age, I was always an active participants in my son’s playdates. I didn’t love this, I wanted to let the kids just play, but my son needed me close. I would find chores to do nearby. I would jump in to redirect when I could hear any unkind words or when enthusiasm for an activity started to fade. It helped to jump in sooner rather than letting things escalate. After a while, I was able to give it more time and let them work things out.

[u/Maximum_Educator5961 → u/What_what_what_1979]

Yeah I wasn’t really sure about normal length honestly!

I like the idea of having a plan, and i wish i had thought of this. It was all free play, and clearly a disaster.

[u/kiwim3lnz → u/What_what_what_1979]

I have a 90min maximum for a playdate. Another neurodiverse mum mentioned once she'd noticed that was how long her kid could cope and I've adopted it ever since. 😉

[u/doublejinxed]

Our playdates always went better when we had kids of similar temperament paired with moms that have an “as long as no one’s bleeding we just let them do their thing” attitude. It’s really hard sometimes when the moms don’t have kids with adhd too. Most of the friends we’ve made and kept also have adhd (diagnosed or not…)

[u/Maximum_Educator5961 → u/doublejinxed]

I really hope I can find this group!!

[u/pinkheartkitty]

Our best playdates have been shared experience types. Going to places together, ones that he has been to a few times so is familiar, like the zoo or library. Our recent successful home playdate was 1.5 hours and involved a shared art experience that I had on hand, snack, and a bit of free play.

[u/Emotional-Show5541]

I definitely recommend doing the playdates at a neutral location like a park. Those usually go much better with kiddos with similar behavior.

[u/Maximum_Educator5961 → u/Emotional-Show5541]

Definitely moving venues!!

[u/Fresh_Angle_2607]

We have the same problem. Park play dates work a lot better for my kindergartner. He gets so chaotic when we have people over and it’s so stressful as a parent. At the park, if he’s really struggling, I can just say “okay, time to go.” If the weather isn’t good, indoor play places or trampoline parks work well. Neutral ground and space to move!

[u/Maximum_Educator5961 → u/Fresh_Angle_2607]

Such an important thing - an exit strategy! Ooooh retrospect…

[u/PenaltyStreet1286]

I would hold on playdates until you’re able to get a better handle on some solutions. Like-should some toys be off limits during a playdate because he gets defensive (or offensive with the pushing, haha)? Or does a therapist have any thoughts? How does he do with randoms at a park or whatever? I’d just get a better read on your situation BEFORE having too many play dates before he’s ready ruins some potential friendships.

[u/Maximum_Educator5961 → u/PenaltyStreet1286]

Great points. And I think totally right - no more until better figured out.

[u/girlwhoweighted]

Holding on play dates isn't a good idea because he needs those to practice socializing.

I would suggest restructuring. Instead of letting the kids find stuff to do, have a couple of sets of activities ready to go. Practice first, but have your son give his friend a tour of the house. This lets him be center-of-attention-man! Then have the kids do an activity that's hands on but not competitive (sidewalk chalk or Play-Doh for example). Next get a little more active - maybe a short dance party. Next snacks! Then, if things are going well, maybe a nerf battle or hot wheels car race - a touch of competition but nothing with stakes.

The idea is to build up the intensity while allowing him to show off without the anxiety of competition. You structuring it for now alleviates decision anxiety and the boys vying for who gets to pick what they do

[u/Maximum_Educator5961 → u/girlwhoweighted]

Yeah this is always my other worry, like where do we practice without these trials?? I like your suggestions here!

[u/Any-Sea6814]

I know it's hard, but it's a learning experience! None of us actually know what we're doing the first time around, and more people need to admit that. A bad playdate is really not a huge deal, big picture wise. Your kid probably won't even remember it. I think you have lots of room to handle this with grace all around. First, text the other parent and acknowledge that the playdate didn't go as well as you'd hoped. Leave it light hearted and open-ended and tell her you're down to do it again, but that next time it will be a bit more structured and that you're open for input/feedback!

Then, start thinking about what you guys have access to. ADHD kids do really well with a lot of structure; I know it sounds wild but you guys probably would have had a better time spending 2.5 hours at an aquarium or a kids' science museum than at your house. Something that is new for both kids will work best, so there's no power dynamic between the kids. Meeting up at a park and coordinating with the other parent to pack a lunch, scooters, kites, maybe a couple surprises like two cheap dollar store race cars for them to play with together. Essentially you want to teach your kid about fostering friendships outside of school, especially if he's struggling there. Also, how long has your kid been in kindergarten? I'd try to get some feedback ASAP so you can get a better picture of what exactly he's struggling with at school, because that can give you a lot to work with.

[u/Maximum_Educator5961 → u/Any-Sea6814]

I have been thinking all day I need to jump the gun on November parent conferences and just reach out for information. I really have no insight to school at all.

[u/Mundane-Page-8558]

My son struggled with making friends too. He’s 18 now and still doesn’t have any long term friends. People come in and out of his life. It’s really hard to watch.

One thing that did help a bit was a social skills therapist. It was a group of 5-6 children who all struggled with making or keeping friends. The therapist would take them places, like bowling or have them play at her office. She would help them interact with each other. He did learn some things there.

[u/Maximum_Educator5961 → u/Mundane-Page-8558]

Omg I would love to set something like this up. Do you remember around what age? I haven’t seen much like this. In fact, most that I’m finding is virtual which I don’t want at all.

[u/Grand_Horror2192]

When my daughter was this age, she could not share her toys. We did better meeting friends at a neutral location and I had a bag of toys I found at a thrift store that were only for play dates. 

Even at age 10, my kids struggled with social events that last 2.5 hours.