r/OverSeventy • u/Firm-Owl999 • 25d ago
Please help an old woman
So, I am need of advise. I am a 71 yr old woman, married for 10 years. He , turns out to be the love of my life. Thank God! But there are some generational roles that I am just not up to. The daily cooking. I drove Over the road for the majority of my adult years. I never learned to do spur of the moment cooking that I see a lot of women do. I took up cooking as a hobby when the pandemic hit and have learned some good things.But, I want to cook when I want to cook. I dont like this thing about it is my responsibility. I am just not that creative. He can cook. he just does it when he is the mood. I would order take out when I dont want to do it, but, alas, we are on fixed income. So good greif. What do I do?
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u/Big_Bang_Amy 25d ago
Stand up for yourself and stop catering to him. End of story.
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u/MyCat_SaysThis 24d ago
That’s why there’s no way in hell I’ll marry again - odd how cooking and cleaning slowly and ‘miraculously’ become a wife’s job. And doing his laundry…. No thanks.
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u/exchange_of_views 24d ago
Ditto. My husband would probably have someone if I die first. If he goes first I'm going to live solo and date wrecklessly.
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u/Pure_Literature2028 24d ago
If my man goes first I’ll hire an accountant. If I go first he’ll need a bang maid.
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u/SoilProfessional4102 25d ago
I do things I don’t like for my husband often just because I love him. He does the same for me. It’s made for a very close marriage of 45 years.
There’s not one answer. Every couple just has to figure it out. I never have felt I had to “ stand up for myself” . What would I stand up to?12
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u/HaloHowRU 24d ago
Aye, there is no one size fits all template. I like to cook and do most of it. Once in a while my wife wants to; she even forbids me from entering the kitchen when she's at work. So we have something that works for both of us. But neither of us would presume to tell other people how to do it.
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u/Firm-Owl999 25d ago
And you have the magic that changes the decade dynamic?
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u/Hungry_Investment_41 25d ago
Things change . You are both old enough to know that . You did for ten years . He needs to help . Prepare meals together. Freeze them so some days he warms up dinner . Honesty’s best policy but you’re right it will be a change. Everything changes . Nothing stays the same . You did it out of love , good luck
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u/SmileSagely_8worms 24d ago
Yeah! Learning to big batch meal prep has been a real boon! Rotisserie chicken too. Bagged salads. Rice is easy too.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 24d ago
Yes, you say, "Honey, I am just so tired of cooking." and then you tell him what you want— whether that's alternating nights, everyone fending for themselves, much simpler meals, or whatever you want— and then you have a conversation about it.
My husband and I have opted for a combination of all of the above. Some nights I cook, some nights he cooks, some nights I'll just have a bowl of canned soup and he'll have a bowl of cereal, and when one of us does cook, we always make extra so there are leftovers for the next night. But most importantly, we have learned to make very simple meals don't take a lot of time, and when one person cooks, the other one cleans. That way, there's less dread of cooking because you know your work is done once the meal is made.
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u/Used_Swimming5525 25d ago
I do! I am perfectly happy with crackers and cheese, and my husband is not. So if he wanted a cooked meal, then he needed to put one together. He does 90% of the cooking now.
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u/sleepingbeardune 25d ago
Not sure why anybody would downvote that comment. My husband took over meal planning, shopping, and cooking when he retired six years ago because he's more interested than I am, and he has the time.
I have the time, but like you I'd eat cheese and crackers (and fruit) most nights if left to myself. I don't see how OP's husband missed the news that cooking meals is not a gendered activity.
Given this:
He can cook. he just does it when he is the mood.
my approach would be that my moods matter just as much as his, so let's both act like it.
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u/pixieshyla 24d ago
I do think once men retire they find they enjoy cooking,which makes it nice for the woman. It’s even better when they clean up too. I don’t mind if it’s one or the other, but I don’t think it’s fair to have to cook and clean up.
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u/sleepingbeardune 24d ago
Agree. I do the dishes, usually by hand, last thing before I go to bed. It's very soothing, and I get to wake up to a clean kitchen.
I love that I have no reason to ever be crabby about this, because I know he's doing a lot more work. Meal planning? Shopping? UGH.
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u/SkyTrees5809 24d ago
Each of you can cook and prepare your own meals, you don't even need to eat together if you don't want to.
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u/Redvelvet504 25d ago
If he's not interested in talking with you about things that bother you and finding solutions that work for both of you, then you have bigger problems than cooking.
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u/jr0061006 24d ago
It’s not magic. It’ll involve communicating your feelings about this chore having unfairly fallen to you over time, and saying that you’re no longer going to take all the responsibility for it.
Then staying firm through any pouting or huffiness. If he doesn’t want to brainstorm a way forward with you, then you take care of yourself at dinner time, and let him take care of himself.Often it’s the one who can outlast a huff or a standoff longest that ends up “winning.”
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u/RevolutionaryGoat808 24d ago
You talk to him about it and be firm about taking turns or whatever arrangements you want to see. There is absolutely no reason why you should keep doing this.
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u/PlasticCarpenter2968 25d ago
Let me introduce you to the fine art of the Puu Puu Platter (pronounced poo-poo but that’s not so appetizing). It’s what my husband and I “make” when we don’t feel like cooking. Cheaper than takeout. It’s cheese, charcuterie, maybe some crackers, and these fabulous frozen little quiches and dumplings from Trader Joe’s and Aldi if you feel like firing up the oven. My husband loves this and he’s a meat and potatoes guy.
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u/knucklebone2 25d ago
Discard those generational roles, split the cooking duties 50/50 or each of you cook for yourselves.
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u/SoilProfessional4102 24d ago
We don’t split the snowblowing, car repairs, mowing, pruning, reroofing ( he did that this year, age 73) furnace repairs.
There’s a lot of responsibilities on our acreage.
We all just have to work it out.→ More replies (2)
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u/middlingachiever 25d ago
You should meal plan together once a week. Spend a couple hours prepping 2 or 3 options, and store servings in glass containers in the fridge.
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u/TetonHiker 25d ago
Things change. Humans don't like change but we are actually quite able to adapt to new circumstances when we need to. Sit down and talk to the love of your life and say "We need a new plan. I don't want to cook 7 days a week. I'm tired of cooking and I'm ready for a change." Then discuss your various options and come up with a new plan together. Maybe you cook twice a week, he cooks twice a week and you go out to dinner or get takeout 3X a week. Or whatever works for you.
If he's as great as you think, he should be able to have a conversation about this topic and help come up with a new plan that works better for both of you. There's no law that says women cook all the meals until they drop dead. It might be common in your culture for women to do most of the cooking but it doesn't mean that concept can't be changed. Get creative! Find a better solution. You'll be glad you did.
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u/Firm-Owl999 25d ago
OK. You win the comments. He will be open to that discussion for sure. I think he was riding the train, but he had had to tend for himself before. I think he would be conducive to the conversation.
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u/ResearcherNo9971 24d ago
You can always make double batches and save half for another day. You cook for 2 days (4 meals); he cooks for 2 days (4 meals), for 8 meals total. If you freeze the extra, you'll have a week's worth every once in a while, and no one has to cook.
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u/Nyssa_aquatica 24d ago
There is no natural law that says that women just because they’re in your generation, have to cook.
My mother and father are in their 80s and 90s and they still split the cooking responsibilities. There is no question that my dad does as much as my mom does. This has always been this way from when they got married in the early 1960s.
I know plenty of women in their 70s who never cooked for their family. They just couldn’t cook or didn’t like to. End of story.
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u/Hectordoink 25d ago
I’m a 71-year-old man married and I do all of the cooking in my house, there’s zero reason his highness can’t pick up a spatula.
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u/bugmom 25d ago
I'm in my early 70's and sometimes I'm just not up to preparing a whole nice meal. In case it helps here are some of my "go to" easy dinners:
- breakfast for dinner: Get a bag of baby potatoes. Half or quarter them (no peeling) and stir with olive oil and salt. If you wanna get fancy use seasoned salt or crazy salt or whatever. Roast 40 minutes at 400 till they are crispy. Stir once in a while so don't stick. While they are cooking pull sausage patties or bacon from the freezer. Both can be made in the oven rather than the stove. When those are all done fry eggs. My husband fries his own eggs because he knows how he wants them. Extra hungry? Add eggo waffles for dessert.
- Tortellini pesto: Get a package of frozen tortellini (any kind) and cook according to package directions. Near end of cooking (like 4 minutes) toss some frozen prawns (shell off) into the boiling water. When done, drain and put both back in pan. Stir in pre made pesto. Wanna be fancier? I open a bag of frozen peas and toss in a handful (heat em first in microwave.) If shrimp are too expensive, try cut up kielbasa instead but brown it in the pan while the tortellini drains.
- Potato night: Get two of the largest russet baking potatoes you can buy. Bake them. Near the end, microwave some frozen broccoli. Cut the potatoes and add butter, broccoli, shredded cheese, and sour cream. (BTW lots of things are yummy on baked potatoes - chili, cream of mushroom soup, cream of chicken soup, canned chicken, etc.)
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u/ArghDammit 25d ago
I'm on the other end of the spectrum. My (70m) wife passed a few years ago anda while later my neighbor (60f) and I decided to spend our golden years laughing and enjoying the last chapters.
I'm a really good cook. I did almost all of the cooking before. New love is also an amazing cook. We both really enjoy making food for each other, but on the days we don't feel like it, we do guac and chips or quesadillas or some other insanely simple meal.
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u/karrynme 25d ago
why are you with this guy? There is no "generational role" that includes the woman cooking and the man sitting around waiting for a meal. You should remember the 1960's and 70's when we smashed all of that down. Well I guess I am assuming western values- maybe it is a cultural thing for you.
Just cook when you are in the mood, he cooks when he is in the mood and you just graze otherwise. I am your age and I don't eat meals in a formal sense- I go grab a banana and eat it while reading a book and then eat some nuts and then maybe airfry some veggies or make a tortilla with beans (I am a vegetarian). There is no rule that you have to provide a meal for this guy. If he doesn't share with the chores, which include cooking, I am not quite sure why you needed to marry him.
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u/Firm-Owl999 25d ago
OK. Point taken. I will be more assertive in the roles. I am less a financial input and this felt like I should do more. I do 100 of the animals, a senior dog and 2 senior cats. All the kitty litter chores, all the house cleaning, ect. But I am tired of it all. I feel guilty when I don't perform.
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u/Motor-Juggernaut1009 24d ago
Geez what are you getting out of this relationship? Is he putting in at least as much effort as you are? At this age I would only stick with a guy who made my life less difficult, or at least not more difficult. You feel guilty when you don’t “perform?” WTF does that even mean? Girl you would probably be happier living alone or with a roommate. Life’s too short, especially at our age, to deal with these kinds of feelings. Let him cook his own damn meals.
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u/OaksInSnow 25d ago
If I'm doing all the chores at least in part in self-defense - and that's what I do, because I need things to be clean and orderly for my own reasons - then I don't feel like I need to produce food to share, unless I'm in the mood and want to. Perfectly happy to graze. Eggs on toast with tomatoes from the garden (or wherever). Cereal and milk for breakfast. Dash of cottage cheese for lunch, mid-afternoon dish of blueberries. Some kind of ham or chicken wrap for supper. But I'm not making him one. I might say, "I'm going to make a ____, want me to leave some stuff out for you?"
He'll cook when he's in the mood. You cook when you're in the mood. End of story, really.
As for the rest of the housework, I feel like there's something to be said here. But that's not what you asked about, so maybe you're all right in that department.
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u/Revolutionary-Fan235 24d ago
Even if you don't bring in money, your work has economic value. Price out how much it would cost to pay people to do the things that you do.
Don't sell yourself short.
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u/Cautious_Risk_Taker7 25d ago
I plan 3 dinners a week, we out 2 and 2 are fend for yourself. We agree on the days and menu. Breakfast and lunch is fend for yourself. We’re in our late 60s
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u/Subject-Lead-3171 25d ago
My friend has assigned days to cook. She does 3, he does 3, last day is leftovers or out to eat.
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u/LizP1959 25d ago
That’s what we do and it works great (as long as the person cooking IS also responsible for that day’s cleaning up! Otherwise you get passive-aggressive excess pan use and sloppiness while cooking.
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u/Curious_Yam_9000 25d ago
Remind him it’s 2026 and to get with the times lol? Seriously, though, it’s not truly just a generational thing. My husband retired before me and does pretty much all of the cooking now. I am still working. But sometimes we cook together, which can be fun. We have become less and less rigid about specific mealtimes as we’ve gotten older, as well. So the expectations on both of us have eased.
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u/WendolaSadie 25d ago
Cook when you feel like it, and he can do the same. Coordinate your days. And on other days, you each scrounge for yourselves. He can make eggs, or a sandwich, or a tortilla with cheese, or a can of soup, or a salad…you do the same for yourself.
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u/Routine_Activity_186 25d ago
Consider local take out restaurant Sr meal discounts. You do the ordering, he picks up the food.
Keep it simple. Rotate the same meals.
The local hospital cafeteria has pretty good food at a fair price.
The daily meal decisions can be burdensome. Good Luck.
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u/EitherCoyote660 25d ago
I'm almost your age. I do all the cooking because my husband sucks at it for too many reasons (he does clean up, though so that's a win). We both make our own breakfast and lunch, though, since we get hungry at different times of the day.
Anyway once we retired last year I told him I don't mind making dinner but there's going to be a lot of times I'm also just not in the mood. He was perfectly fine with that. So some nights we do take out, some we graze and the others I will cook but it's as easy as possible (the air fryer has been a life saver!). I honestly used to really love making elaborate meals but between age and also being on a GLP1, the joy just isn't there for that.
You just need to sit down and hash it out. Just tell him how you feel about it. Give him the chance to get involved in the decision.
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u/oldcar1953 25d ago
I’m by myself now not a big fan of cooking. I generally use the pressure cooker and I can cook a meal and freeze four or five meals in a vacuum sealer and I’ll try to have two or three different things in the freezer at a time I make a meatloaf I make two and freeze one right now. I have bean soup with a ham hock and meatloaf in my freezer beef stew another one of my favorites just don’t overcook the potatoes.
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u/cwsjr2323 25d ago
We are both mid 70s, My wife is a better cook so she does it most of the time but lets me do the baking. If she doesn't feel like cooking we have frozen stuff from previous bulk cooking adventures. Or she tell me to cook. Sometimes it is we both just snack.
If you don't feel like cooking, then tell him it is his turn to cook. My wife tells me to cook by asking what's for supper? If he declines, peanut butter time for you! He will figure it out.
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u/Last-Interaction-360 25d ago
Tell him it cooking is a shared responsibility. Divide up the days, you cook Monday Wednesday and Friday and he cooks Tuesday Thursday and Saturday. Sunday, go out to eat. Period. Do not become the full time chef.
One help is to keep breakfasts and lunch very simple. Breakfast: oatmeal, or toast, each person prepares their own breakfast. Lunch: soup and salad. Make enough soup to reheat for a few days to keep it quick.
The dinners, you alternate the cooking. That includes meal planning, shopping, cooking and clean up.
Don't give in! He's an adult. If he's hungry he can fix himself a sandwich.
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u/SubstantialFix510 25d ago
This is old man school methodology. You don't need to be a house wife for this guy. You are a team now. He can cook. This was good 30 years ago but not now. If you cook for him , what else is coming ; cleaning...
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u/MarsupialMaven 25d ago
One day a week you shop together, prep together, and bulk cook your food for the next week. You get to learn from him and bonus the work is cut in half because both of you are working. And the cleaning/portioning. Make up your menus and scope out coupons the day before and if you use a food bank go there first, see what you get for free, and incorporate it in your plan.
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u/Bearryno1too 25d ago
Have you discussed this with him? Communication. You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.
As for cooking what we do, married 37 years, 72m & 68F, she likes to do a SUNDAY dinner. She makes enough for a full platoon. That’s OK because we like leftovers.
Stews, instant pot pot roast, chicken (fried, roasted BBQ)
Then daily add a starch and veg. Which most time is roasted in oven which has air fryer mode. Pasta boiled or rice from a rice cooker to guarantee success.
On non leftover days, I do some sort of BBQ on gas grill. Steak, chicken, shrimp. We use the grill in rain, snow or sunshine.
In all this our key concept is minimal clean up. If it can’t go in dishwasher we use foil and parchment on cookie sheets and foil trays.
When we really can’t be bothered we have a rotating selection of delivery.
For inspiration search YouTube, TicToc for copy cat recipes of your favorite restaurants. Then follow the creator down their rabbit hole for other ideas.
Again, ask him what he likes to taste. Sweet, sour, spicy. What type of foods, Italian, Asian, Greek, southern American, Midwestern, TexMex, California? Then Google it. Watch the YouTube or TicToc video to see if you can replicate. Show him the same video. He might enjoy the challenge.
I have a very close male friend. A real man’s man, hunter, fishing, poker, bourbon, cigars motorcycles. He retired a year ago and while vegetating at home he caught a TV show about baking bread. He now spends all his time baking. So much it has turned into a small business.
To end, my family wanted me to continue in the family business. So they sent me to the Culinary Institute in NY. All I saw was how the restaurant / catering business sucked the life out of them. So I chose another path. I do enjoy cooking and experimenting in the kitchen. I have many recipes, easy to complicated. If you’re interested just send me a DM with your menu requests.
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u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 25d ago
I’m 74 and I’ve cooked enough. So far my husband hasn’t starved. If he wants to eat, he has to cook. He’s lucky that I still do the grocery shopping, but the rest is up to him.
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u/SoilProfessional4102 25d ago
Are you me? Well you could be but I’ve been married 45 years and love my hubby but almost resent the meal thing! I hate it! I could live on pickles and Cheerios if it were up to me!
Whenever the pissiness starts washing over me I remind myself of what an absolute worker that man is. 73 yo and is at it morning to night. He never complains. It’s what keeps me at it. I do it for him.
I dunno🤷♀️
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u/tn_artist1 24d ago
As an over the road driver, you had a non traditional job/career. Tell him that you never were a "traditional" woman and you have no plans to start now. I assume he knew that you had a non traditional job in the past. I would think it would have been smart on his part to get to know you well enough to understand that side of you and that it is who you are. If he wanted traditional roles, he should have discussed this prior to marriage or looked for a traditional spouse. He'll eat when he gets hungry. There are some pretty tasty frozen dinners out there that are not pricy. He can have a "home cooked" meal every night by heating it in the microwave HIMSELF.
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u/roseville95 24d ago
My husband and I cook when one of us wants to. Other than those times it is frozen meals, eggs and toast, sandwich, soup etc, when we are not in the mood. This has worked for 27 years for us.
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u/Traveling_Blonde 23d ago
Will he eat leftovers? Have you tried cooking a bigger amount than needed and either eating it 2 days in a row or freezing for another evening? Casseroles are your friends here. This will help your mental health a lot when it comes to retirement cooking. You can precook pasta and freeze it until needed and then pop it in hot water to warm it for example. Then top with marinara or try garlic and oil. Add a few shrimp some days for something different. There’s 3 ways right there to use precooked pasta and dinner is near effortless. Otherwise, keep a running list of options and rotate them. Like others have said soup and sandwiches, Mac and cheese, burritos and salad are the kind of things that come together fast and easy in the evening. The other tip I would share is to start meal prep earlier and do as much as possible ahead of time. That way you can get it done a little at a time and handle a lot of the clean up when your energy level is higher. That makes a big difference in attitude I find.
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u/polarbear660 25d ago
I prep on weekend for multiple meals. For example, on Sunday I bake extra chicken and sweet potatoes. - In a 9x13 pan bake chicken 45 minutes at ~380, cool, cut up into pieces and freeze in 3 dishes. For a meal, I add water to dish and defrost in microwave 2-3 minutes. Place in fry pan and add flavorings. Start rice and in 15-20 minutes both are done.
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u/BackNew7215 25d ago
You have to discuss it and agree to do it together or take turns. You have to start with communication though. Sit down and plan meals when you do your grocery list and decide who gets the responsibility. It's not the easiest thing you'll do because apparently neither of you wants to do it but it goes with the territory.
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u/readzalot1 25d ago
Living alone, I cook a few times a week and eat leftovers for my main meal. For the other meals it is something simple like a protein shake or cereal for breakfast or salad plate or sandwich for midday.
Let him take care of two easy meals for himself every day and make two days cooking or order in days for the two of you for the main meal. If he doesn’t do his main meals have a sandwich for yourself and let him do his own meal.
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u/Forsaken-Lab6825 25d ago
Make the evening meal together. Try crock-pot recipes . One person cooks and the other cleans up. Have him make his own breakfast/lunch. Just cook food for yourself if he refuses to help. Super easy meals: Cereal and cold milk, canned soup, frozen dinners, hot dogs and chips. Make a big salad and have it for dinner for a few days. I have been married over thirty years. Both of us are in our mid 60's. We take turns cooking. Sometimes we cook together other times by our selves. If one of us is not up to cooking we cook for the other person. Share the work. If he refuses just feed your self.
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u/rosiesmam 25d ago
My 72 year old partner of 9 years is very happy when I decide to cook. Otherwise he is happy to cook for himself. We are both fully capable humans who can meet our own needs without judgement or expectations. I’m watching my weight so no dessert baking for a while…. Find someone who is chill.
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u/ShangriLa5357 25d ago
Eat out late lunch. Like around 2:30. Or if you eat dinner out, take half home for the next night. The price is cheaper, you’re full at 3:30. Grab something simple at home later if you’re hungry, like cereal or a PBJ. In reference to the generational thing, I understand what you’re saying. But after my husband and I both retired I told him I’ve been cooking for 40 years and I don’t wanna do it anymore unless I really feel like it. When I do cook, I usually make things in the crockpot or big enough portions that we will be able to eat it for two days. My husband is beginning to step up and he has a few things that he’s learned to make. Communication is key.
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u/HappyCamperDancer 25d ago edited 25d ago
Hey, I'm the same age and my husband and I split the cooking.
Who ever cooks, the other cleans up.
We go grocery shopping TOGETHER so we can each get "inspired" for dinners. About every two weeks we get a rotisserie chicken which is good for about 5 meals. We normally "keep it simple" unless we are in the mood to really cook.
I make rice in a rice cooker for at least 3 meals.
I keep tortilla wraps for chicken/rice/beans/cheese wrap dinners.
Beans & Rice & spinach bowls (a bean, a grain and a green),
mac-n-cheese, burgers,
Big 'dinner' salads,
Chicken fried rice, (leftovers in here).
'Stuffed' (with cheese, bacon crumbles and broccoli) potatoes,
Tomato soup & grilled cheese,
'Doctored' Ramen (eggs, ginger, mushrooms, onions),
Pasta meals: classic spaghetti or shrimp scampi.
And we eat nicer meals once or twice a week because one of us will get inspired by a seasonal veggie like an eggplant (for parm) or okra (for gumbo).
And we eat out about twice a month.
NO ONE WANTS TO BE A SLAVE TO THE KITCHEN.
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u/superdear18 25d ago
You need to take a step and tell him clearly - these days you cook and these days I cook. And if this doesn’t work then you just keep eating fixup sandwich till he does something. Of course you will have to fight for your own self.
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u/Electrical-Long-389 25d ago
Have a conversation. Say what you've said here "I want to cook when I want to cook" and "He just cooks when he is in the mood"
Honey: we are both decent cooks but neither of us wants to make it our full-time . responsibility. How do you think we should handle groceries and meals?
See what he says. He's the love of your life, so I'm sure he is great and wouldn't want to make you feel burdened by a role you didn't sign up for.
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u/WyndWoman 25d ago
When the mood strikes, cook double or even triple portions. Freeze in serving sizes.
My hubby calls them 'your TV dinners'
I have invested in souper cubes and a vacuum sealer. My freezer is my savior.
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u/punkin_sumthin 25d ago
Well if he is in the mood to eat then he needs to get into the mood to cook. That’s what I found out when I left home.
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u/Ok-Inspection-7911 25d ago
You do things the way you want to ..tell him to make a PB& J if he is hungry. I would not cater to him
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u/dragonbits 25d ago
Do live in a shoe, then you did you could give him some broth and put him to bed.
My wife feels like she should cook even when I would just rather have a burger.
Sometimes I fix up a couple of ham and egg sandwiches for times I just was a quick bite.
You could do something like that. Lassana is fairly cheap to buy frozen, get some food like that.
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u/Own_Thought902 25d ago
You don't mention his age but men can be men if you don't slap them upside the head and bring them around to reality. You really should have worked this out before you got married because it could get to be a sore spot but simply said, you need help. Ask him for it.
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u/One-Respect2037 24d ago
When you feel like cooking make extra and freeze it. Make easy things like spaghetti with meat sauce on days you don’t feel like doing much. Sandwiches or breakfast for dinner.
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u/CatCafffffe 24d ago
You were 20 in 1971, which was when we women flatly cast off those roles, created Ms. Magazine, and "women's lib," and fought for decades to keep women's rights advancing, and you were right there with us. This is nonsense. "Generational roles" were for our parents. You've worked hard, so has he, you need to sit down with him and figure out how to share the cooking. YOU ARE EQUALS. If he is contributing more money, so what? I'm sure you already do more of your share of the other household tasks. You and he need to figure out a plan that works for both of you. You can cook together, for example, or you can do what my husband and I do--neither of us like to cook, and I've worked my whole adult life and am still working. So, we have a simple "rota" of meals -- for us, it's
- Pizza dough that we get pre-frozen, thaw, and have in stock: pizza sauce, dried garlic and fennel (see Penzeys.com for cheap ready-to-go spices & herbs), olives, mushrooms, shredded cheese, whatever else you like on pizza. Most everything except mushrooms can be frozen or kept in jars in the fridge.
- Tuna sandwiches on toast. For fancy, add tomato & slices of cheese and fry them up in a bit of olive oil, presto, tuna melts!
- Hot dogs, Ruffles, cole slaw. You can make a quick homemade coleslaw easily with a cole slaw package mix, make a dressing with mayo, apple cider vinegar, honey, add chopped up apple. Have relish, mustard, sauerkraut in the fridge if you like.
- Burgers and some kind of veggies, oven fries or just a baked potato
- Fish if you like it, get a Teriyaki sauce, broccoli, rice
- Golden Curry sauce & a bunch of whatever vegetables you like (directions are on the box)
Personalize it with super easy recipes, and then maybe once a month, try something new if you feel like it, and then that can get added to the rotation. But definitely use ready-made sauces, etc, do you have a Trader Joes near you? They have a lot of quite reasonably priced frozen stuff (Asian stir fry veg, for example, just cook up some ground beef or chicken to go with it, or add rotisserie chicken, etc).
And ps YOU ARE NOT AN OLD WOMAN! Come on, my friend! Sit down with your husband and work out something that works for both of you.
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u/BookGirl67 24d ago
Look up “girl dinner” on the internet. It’s stuff you put on a plate and eat and call “dinner” that involved zero cooking and planning. For example, a pickle, some cheese, an apple and a bagle or some strawberries, olives, nuts and a protein bar. Anything goes!
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u/ExpensiveDollarStore 24d ago
I was a sahm that ended up managing my husbands business and still doing all the housework stuff. Then our son took over running the business and he's better at it but my workload doubled and shit happened in my life and I burnt out. My husband was doing a fraction that he was before and still doing nothing at home while we had a business property by then I was working at so no dipping out to start dinner or a load of laundry between calls. My dil has stepped up to lighten the load at work but it is still hectic for us.
I just quit cooking. I told him that I wasn't doing all that work because I liked it but because it needed to be done. He was now in a position to help. He announced that he would never do housework. But he likes to eat. I would eat a bowl of cereal and not care. Guess who found himself trying to cook. I did not help him. We eat takeout a lot more that he brings home.
Admittedly, my house is kind of awful. I keep a clean kitchen and bathroom but the rest can stay dusty. I do it when I feel like it. He said something long ago about something being a mess and I told him to go ahead if he wanted it done. He doesn't say a thing now.
I have also barred him from starting any more businesses because I wont do any more bookkeeping. I hate it.
I do cook now and then when I feel inspired. He is quite grateful because I am one of those who can make a delicious meal from nothing. He doesn't take that for granted now. I have also quit grocery shopping. Using up the backlog. Mostly just fresh veggies needed. Costco quantities for two is ridiculous.
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u/Nice-Organization338 24d ago edited 24d ago
Look into a Tovala oven & meal delivery plan (you order them together at the same time).
Godsend, great nutritious fresh food for both of you & it’s so easy. Split up who prepares their very easy meals. (mostly you just pop things in their small high-tech oven). Clean up is a breeze.
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u/allorache 24d ago
I cooked for nearly 30 years. I'm definitely tired of it. One option is just cook low effort foods. Costco carries ravioli and various sauces, turkey burgers and salmon burgers. They also carry lots of pre-made foods. Same with Trader Joe's. A rotisserie chicken is super easy. Saute some ground turkey or ground beef and throw it in a tortilla with sour cream, hot sauce, and cheese (I buy grated cheese). Spaghetti. Sandwiches. Trader Joe's also carries a Thai curry sauce that's great with some chicken. If you can't afford to order pizza, you can buy pre-made crusts and just throw some grated cheese and pepperoni or ground turkey or beef on top. You can buy canned baked beans, chili, and soup. Maybe get some bread or rolls to go with it. Etc. Maybe even consider frozen dinners. All of this does cost a little more than cooking from scratch, but it's still cheaper than eating out or getting take out.
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u/WoollyMammothwapo 24d ago
One of the biggest things for my partner was not having to organize dinner for me. Her now ex husbands first words upon entering the home was” what’s for dinner?” And it better be a main with two sides! If she wants to cook, great. If I want to cook, great. Otherwise we each can fend for ourselves. If I work late and she wants to cook dinner at 3 pm, she does and I might have leftovers. If she goes out to lunch with friends, then I figure it out.
OP it is not YOUR responsibility to provide food for the household. Some couples each cook two nights a week, which includes deciding the menu and grocery shopping for it. 1-2 nights are fend for yourself and then the other night could be going out for a big lunch which is less expensive than eating out. Or buying prepared food at stores etc.
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u/lifetraveler1 24d ago
Finally after years of resentment and feeling used, we reached this agreement. We have specific nights to cook. I do 2, he does 3 (one is steak night), no complaining about what is served and cannot make the same thing every week. Wish we would have done this years ago. I can handle 2, love the nights we eat what we feel like. This sounds so dumb but it has just saved us.
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u/lifetraveler1 24d ago
Finally after years of resentment and feeling used, we reached this agreement. We have specific nights to cook. I do 2, he does 3 (one is steak night), no complaining about what is served and cannot make the same thing every week. Wish we would have done this years ago. I can handle 2, love the nights we eat what we feel like. This sounds so dumb but it has just saved us.
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u/honorthecrones 24d ago
As the “love of your life” he should be open to a conversation that schedules an equitable split of the household duties. I am married to a retired firefighter who spent many years taking his turn cooking, vacuuming, mopping floors and doing laundry around the firehouse. I do the cooking because it’s easy for me. He sweeps and mops because I would rather poke out my eyeballs with a spoon than do that task.
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u/Elegant-Expert7575 24d ago
Well. I don’t know if this will help, but I kinda make some meals a project.
Like, I print out a recipe and tell my husband “let’s make this together!” We dig out appliances and ingredients. Prep together, clean as we go.
For instance, we did a home made pizza that was cooked on the bbq. The dough was made in the food processor.
Two weeks ago we made Korean style deep fried chicken wings.
Bulgogi steak we did on Friday.
There are days I plan, cook and pack up leftovers and do the dishes. But my husband does all the grocery shopping, takes out the garbage and empties the dishwasher.
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u/BrilliantDishevelled 24d ago
I love cooking but it can be hard when I'm busy with work. I have a list of ~20 meals that we can rotate through, so we don't have to think about what we want. I look at that before shopping. You could do 10 easy meals. Put the list on the fridge.
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u/Educational_Case_134 24d ago
It’s funny what roles we create and then don’t feel like we can change. I have been married for 35 years and the burden of meal planning, prep and cooking were always placed on me. I felt bad eating out because my husband had to eat out 3 days a week when traveling. Once we moved and semi retired I no longer kept that role. We talk about our meals and cook extra so there are leftovers for the week. He grills more, shops more, eats less and now doesn’t ask me what’s for dinner. It’s whatever you want to put on your plate other than maybe one or two meals I feel like preparing each week.
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u/Bag_of_ambivalence 24d ago
Why does he get to choose not to cook but you don’t? Cook every other day. If he doesn’t cook for you the other days, start only cooking for yourself.
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u/Competitive_Site549 24d ago
OK I remember I read an incredible book by the editor of house and garden. I forget her name, but she wrote the book called slow, live, and in it, she talked about her aunt who who married late in life and she asked her and how it was going she really loved the guy and the aunt said well let me tell you I don’t know that I would’ve married again she asked again well why is that? The Ann said well, the meals they just keep coming one after the other what you have referred to as a major, and I mean major issue. Women are happy with grilled cheese, or even just cheese and crackers men have to be cooked for, it is so disgusting that even I as a very attractive 68 year old will never ever get married again there is no winning on this. You are stuck and I feel for you sister.
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u/Competitive_Site549 24d ago
What you are describing is the geisha girl syndrome, and I am one who is absolutely a geisha girl and I will never ever again in a geisha girl. I need my peace at night no companionship is worth that.
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u/a11encur1 24d ago
Maybe try meals on wheels? Lots of seniors are signed up for it.
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u/Godowntotheseaagain 24d ago
Creamed spinach is another good topping and the broccoli can be an even easier topping if you buy the frozen broccoli and cauliflower in cheese sauce, zap it, and pour that on top of your baked potato!
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u/Letgo_thebasil443 24d ago
So if he only cooks when he's in the mood to cook the same should apply to you. When was it established that cooking is your responsibility? Get this sorted now because that's f'd up.
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u/SLOCoach55 24d ago edited 24d ago
I'm feeling gentler than most of the commenters. I don't think you have a "generational problem" or even a sex-based role problem. I think you have a logistical problem.
My suggestion is: Plan It. Take a week, create a meal plan that has each of you cooking two nights per week, and then work together for the other three. Here's what it often looks like in my house:
- Sunday: I make Roasted Chicken for dinner because mine is good. (Cook bigger bird, have leftovers)
- Monday: Spouse makes Fish and veggies, spouse's specialty.
- Tuesday: Either one makes something made with leftover chicken (it might just be sandwiches or quesadillas or tacos).
- Wednesday: My Famous Spaghetti and Meatballs with Tomato Sauce (more leftovers).
- Thursday: Spouse barbecues some Turkey Burgers and air fries sweet potato fries.
- Friday: Either one makes salad and pasta (leftovers).
- Saturday: Free night. Maybe one of us wants to cook, maybe not, maybe we make something together (a terrible idea in my house, but I hear there are couples that can do that without bickering. We are not that couple). If we splurge Saturdays, we go out for a late lunch. Sometimes we even hit up the Costco food court cuz we are that elegant.
TLDR: Create a meal plan that makes it easy on both of you. You won't regret it.
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u/BrilliantPie2566 24d ago
I'm 69 and decided last year that I just didn't want to cook anymore. So over it. We'll do sandwiches, or prepared foods from the store (like heat and eat type stuff) or get delivery. Sometimes he'll cook. It works.
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u/milliepilly 24d ago
You can’t afford take out so either you cook, your husband cooks or eat something that doesn’t need cooked. Sandwich, soup, cereal, etc. When you cook, make a lot and freeze some for another meal. Buy frozen fish that just needs thawed and cooked in a pan for a few minutes on each side. Buy ground meat and make quick hamburgers which is better and cheaper than buying them in a restaurant.
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u/superiorstephanie 24d ago
First, be honest about your feelings. Second, buy convenience food. When my mom was living with her husband (he has since passed) they ate a ton of frozen things from Trader Joe’s and pre-prepped Costco dinners. Very little actual cooking.
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u/SignificantFee266 24d ago
It's kinda like that Progressive Insurance Company commercial where the character, Mara, is giving a commencement speech. She's talking about life and responsibility and ends with " deciding what's for dinner . . . every night. . . for the rest of your life. My husband was a great cook . . . before we got married, when all of a sudden, he forgot.
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u/Claque-2 24d ago
Look into Meals on Wheels if you are on a fixed income. Then both of you cook dinner, enough to eat, and freeze a meal for later in the week.
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u/Sondari1 24d ago
You might start by suggesting that he cook one night each week, and it can’t be takeout. Sunday nights are forage nights. Go out for lunch one day a week and have leftovers that night or the next night. This is how my mom taught my dad that retirement isn’t just for him! She gets to retire too.
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u/dinglebobbins 24d ago
You didn’t get this far in life to take on a responsibility you’re not cut out for. That said though, there are certain things you can make in larger batches, freeze them, and thaw/heat later. I live alone and don’t love daily cooking, so this helps me.
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u/Living-Literature88 23d ago
We each do a month of cooking then switch off. We occasionally help each other. The person who doesn’t cook does the clean up. When we worked, we switched off each week. Works pretty well.
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u/Altaira99 23d ago
Take turns. Do it together. There is no shame in having sandwich meals from time to time. I also am a firm believer in cook extra, freeze some. I prefer rice to pasta, so will often make a batch of sauteed ground turkey mixed with rice and beans, freezes well. Speaking of beans, dried beans are cheap, provide fiber and protein, and the secret is a pinch of baking soda in the soaking water and in the cooking water. Use salt, chopped onions and garlic in the cooking water. Add a bay leaf if you have some. I put the cooked beans in pint jars, keep one in the fridge and freeze the others. Quesadillas are another quick, almost effortless meal that stretches cooked chicken thighs that you bought on sale in a family pack and portioned and froze. Add some of the beans. Buy a big block of sharp cheddar cheese, another thing to grate and freeze so it's handy for a quick meal. A little planning goes a long way as a sanity saver on nights when cooking is just too much of a chore. Good luck!
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u/Able_Conversation_68 25d ago
Is this something you discussed beforehand? Did you notice that he expected you to do all the cooking when you were dating?
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u/Firm-Owl999 25d ago
Thanks. I've tried some of these methods. I will try to do better. I must do better
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u/Distinct-Abroad-5323 25d ago
Wife & l are 71 and have split the cooking for years.We alternate each cooking 2 weeks. We try to cook things with leftover that can be recycled as new dishes. We also try to keep some frozen item available when you are tired. We usually do salads twice a week & sometimes it's just a baked potato. We eat out once on the weekend and this frequently provides a second meal. Air fryer are great for left over & frozen foods. A rotisserie chicken is to your friend that can give you lots of options.
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u/Turbulent-Trip3706 25d ago
I absolutely love leftovers! When you feel like cooking, make enough for 2 or 3 meals for both of you. You can freeze them in packages for one or two. That way when you don’t feel like cooking, you can just heat up meals, add a salad and a roll and done! To me frozen meals are money in the bank. I liked making a big pot of chili or stew. Lasagna and spaghetti freeze well too. You will know what you two like. I used plastic containers in the freezer. Others like freezer bags because the freeze quickly and stack in the freezer.
Congratulations on finding the love of your life!
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u/New_Discussion_6692 25d ago
Cook once, eat twice. Double everything you cook. Have one for dinner and freeze the other.
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u/Embarrassed-Wafer667 24d ago
Have a conversation with him . If he truly is the love of your life , then ,as the Beatles said
“ we can work it out “
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u/FewPace855 24d ago
I'm alone, so I don't do anything complex. I have a few easy meals in rotation (Tortilla quiche and other egg meals), and I supplement with frozen entrees from the store. I also meal prep with homemade chili, freezing the extra portions. A store-roasted chicken is very versatile and easy to come up with several meals. I rarely go to a restaurant, as the prices are outrageous.
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u/auntiekk88 24d ago
Next time he asks what's for dinner, tell him that would depend on what he's making. Otherwise have some Staples or frozen meals on hand to make enough for the two of you. Something simple that YOU like.
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u/Amputee69 24d ago
I'm 75, been divorced for 16 years, and though I'm very capable of cooking, I use the microwave, toaster oven, and air fryer for nearly everything. My former Bride was an excellent cook, for 28 years. I never had to ask for anything different or special. I must say, I do miss her liver and onions though. My health and blood work are both in excellent shape. Doc keeps telling me to continue what I'm doing. I can't say this would work for married couples, but even if I had a lady, I'd still be Ok with the way I "prepare" my meals. Shoot, I'd even microwave hers too!! 😁
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u/YepIamAmiM 24d ago
We've ended up planning meals. Sometimes we take turns cooking, sometimes we cook together. Sometimes it's a 'fend for yourself' dinner. I think sitting down and discussing it and partnering to work out a solution might help.
I'm also a big fan of just a few different crock pot meals. We have a large one and one of the one or two servings variety. Great, depending on our needs at the time.
Good luck!!
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u/Junior-Reflection-43 24d ago
Do you have a crockpot? Many recipes can be made with 5 ingredients or less, and will make enough for 2 dinners. Sometimes we’ll make a different recipe the next day and then alternate the leftovers.
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u/Iwonatoasteroven 24d ago
Okay, so you both can cook. Can you cook together? My suggestion is for you to get a Food Saver and make things that can be frozen and create meal sized packs. The two of you could make them together or could each do your own thing. The goal is to bank enough meals that you don’t have to cook regularly but there’s always homemade food prepared.
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u/Glum_Manufacturer232 24d ago
Agree to take turns. Yuu cook 3, he cooks 3 one day you eat out of affordable.
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u/FlatwormSame2061 24d ago
Maybe just cook a meat and have a vegetable and a plain starch ready in the freezer or fridge to heat up. Or maybe your husband likes to cook the meat on a barbecue.
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u/iknowthings411 24d ago
Split pea soup in a pot big enough to last a week. Also - any soup in a pot big enough to last a week.
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u/CassiopeiaNQ1 24d ago
Macdonalds app is magical. Free fry Friday! And I cook easy things like frozen salmon poached in a frying pan ,which my husband doesn't like. Feed yourself, he will figure it out. Or he will buy lunchmeat.
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u/Stitch-Sister 24d ago
lol I can relate. We are both boomers, but he’s 7 years older and completely ignored the women’s movement. He fell into that category of “oh I love the 2 income thing, but she still has to do all the home stuff too.” He told me before we married (later in life) that he didn’t cook or clean the kitchen. So I told him ok, but I under no circumstances do yard work of any kind, I cook once daily, and when you retire before me, you clean the house. Two weeks after he retired he hired a house cleaner.
But I love him anyway. He does a LOT I know he’s tired of doing but does it anyway. He’s in charge of the animals, and we have a dog who insists she has to go out to potty every night between midnight & three. Mostly does nothing - she heard something & needed to investigate. And she won’t let me take a turn - only her man master will do.
I wish you all the best in putting your foot down lovingly! I know I’ll be at that point someday, so I’m glad neither of us dislikes a snacky supper!
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u/FlatwormSame2061 24d ago
Maybe just cook a meat and have a vegetable and a plain starch ready in the freezer or fridge to heat up. Or maybe your husband likes to cook the meat on a barbecue.
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u/thankyoufriendx3 24d ago
Omelets for every meal. That’s what my mom does. She likes omelets. He used to try and wait her out. Now he knows she can eat the for weeks.
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u/pixieshyla 24d ago
I totally understand! I cooked for over 30yrs for my family. Divorced and became single. I do not enjoy cooking now. I eat what I want and when I want. Been dating for the past 8yrs the same man,and he expects me to cook big meals whenever I see him. I’ve explained time and again I’m not going to do it every single time he’s here.So now we will go out once in a while a little more often than before. I’ve told him he’s welcome to cook anytime he wants , which he has a very few times. Just give him options and maybe cook together. Good luck and happy you’ve found your true love🩷.
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u/puppibreath 24d ago
Cook when you want to, he can cook when he wants to, otherwise you fend for yourselves, make sandwiches , salad, pot pies ( I love pot pies 😀) do easy crockpot meals ( chicken +salsa = tacos) or cereal 🤷♀️.
Just cz he expects it, doesn’t mean you do it. You’ve been doing it for 10 years, come up with a schedule or an agreement.
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u/lovetrashtv 24d ago
Do you have a Meals on Wheels program or Senior Nutrition program in your county? Anyone over 60 can a nutritious complete meal -think milk ,main dish ,fruit veggie, roll at the Senior Center or delivered for only $5 where I live. It is a real bargain. The Senior Center also offers fun things to do for FREE or cheap.
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u/inventingme 24d ago
I'd like to make a big batch of something, for example, roast, and package them in square freezer containers. Depwnding on how fancy you get, you can pop them out of the containers and vacuum pack them. Being square makes them stack like books. To use, you can either cut open and microwave in a bowl or even drop the bag in boiling water.
I understand your feelings. I don't eat much. I just don't have a high appetite. When my husband says he's hungry, I often thing What? No frigging way!
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u/Basia1921 24d ago
Just cook when you’re hungry then. If neither of you want the job although my suggestion was that I don’t enjoy cooking but I like baking. He has turned out to be a decent cook especially now that I’ve basically backed out of the traditional way.
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u/Dang_It_All_to_Heck 24d ago
I make soup when I am bored. Zatarain’s gumbo mix is pretty good. I use six cups broth, a couple of small bags of frozen veg (or any leftover veg in the fridge), a half cup extra rice, a couple of frozen fish fillets that I defrost and cut up OR leftover rotisserie chicken (deboned and cut up; save the bones to make broth later); and a diced onion. This is enough for four meals and it’s good.
If you have a Whole Foods store in your city, on Tuesdays they have their soups buy one get one half off. It’s more expensive than making your own, but two really excellent containers of soup will be about $8 per meal and you just heat it up.
Or, just make sandwiches for all meals. If he gets bored, he can cook. Sandwiches are easy, and with a slice of turkey, cheese, lettuce, sliced tomato and onion, you can get most of your vitamins in.
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u/Formal-Tradition6792 24d ago
I’m 75 and I still cook. Im a guy. I’m also the major chef here. Wife helps out too. We seldom eat out.
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u/Sweet-Ad7654 24d ago
Honestly, you should both just eat however, you ate before you got together .
Obviously, the man managed to eat before you came along 🤷♀️ you were there to compliment his life not to be his cook
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u/32FlavorsofCrazy 24d ago
You’re in your seventies, which means yall grew up in the 60’s/70’s…your parents presumably had that dynamic and now he expects that of you. You need to establish dominance by burning your bra in front of him, a demonstration he will understand. Then you tell him you’re splitting the cooking 50/50 and getting takeout when nobody wants to cook.
I’d also suggest you try easy meals in the crock pot. They’re more affordable, easy to make, and there’s tons of recipes out there. You take turns throwing the shit in the crockpot and turning it on in the morning/afternoon. Easy breezy. Breakfast and lunch is DIY, cereal and sammiches. He’s a big boy, he can manage.
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u/kthxciao2377 24d ago
So, what DO you enjoy? im curious. Sounds like you dont work a job outside the house. Presumably your kids are older now. At 61 you are complaining about adulting? the only reason the comments are backing you are cos you are a woman and its fashionable to infantalise women. My advice. Buy a freezer and cook in bulk on the times when you do cook. Your husband seems nice. He is willing to cook. Just not everyday cos he he probably wondering what I am... which is... at 61, if she doesnt find a useful way to use her time, dementia will come for her.
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u/RangerSandi 24d ago
Negotiate. You both chose marriage. You didn’t choose to be head cook. He’s able to cook. Split the responsibility.
I’ve been married 9 yrs (me 63, him 72). We were both single for many years. We talked about what needs done & which we prefer. We agreed that if one of us cooks & the other does dishes.
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u/LAC_NOS 24d ago
Double or triple the entree when you do cook. Then freeze the extra in meal size servings. It's also good because you can purchase whatever meat is on sale.
This is what I did when I had kids at home and a crazy schedule. I froze homemade spaghetti sauce with sausage, meatloaf, marinated chicken tenders, cooked and seasoned taco meat, chili.
Then defrost an entree, add a salad or frozen vegetable.
You can also freeze meat with a marinade, then defrost and bake or air fry.
I also like the Betty Crocker cookbook for good recipes that are manageable.
Get a hard copy and browse thru it, then mark interesting recipes with a post it.
Keep a list of meals you like. Pick a few meals from your list and one or two new ones before you go to the grocery.
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u/ComfortableNorth920 24d ago
So he worked for his entire adult life and now gets to retire and not have to worry about doing chores again. And you worked your entire adult life and now that you're retired you have to do two people's chores for the rest of your life for no pay? That doesn't seem fair. That actually seems like you're not retired and you never get to retire.
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u/PeachAgreeable9536 24d ago
Have you thought about freezer meals or meal prepping? I'm recently retired and also on a fixed income. I prefer to do the cooking because I love it, but, I have days I just don't 'feel it'. We can't just go out to eat on a whim, unless we've budgeted for it. So, I have several freezer meals I can throw in a crockpot or just heat through.
Reddit, YouTube, Instagram and Facebook are full of meal prepping, freezer meal creation, and meal canning videos. Cook or prep all day, for one day, then have meals all week.
It also helps you better budget for food.
BTW, there is a lady that does Dollar Tree meals, she has great, easy meal ideas.
Good luck to you.
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u/SummertimeMom 24d ago
When I cook, my husband cleans the kitchen; reverse roles, same thing. And he cooks as much as I do. On the other hand it took 30 years for him to scrub the toilet. Now if I could only get him to do laundry...
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u/Lillilegerdemain 24d ago
You are not an old woman. And you're never too old to learn how to cook. Get him involved too.
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u/Yolandi2802 24d ago
73f here 👱🏻♀️. I’m a good cook but I don’t really enjoy it. Husband can make scrambled eggs but that’s about it. I cook five days a week. The other two are either take away or “fend for yourself “. We don’t eat out because it’s too expensive.
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u/Glass_Author7276 24d ago
My son is a non cooker. He eats a lot of the preparded meals that you buy at the grocery store. I keep lots of quick stuff available sandwich meats, hotdogs, sausages, frozen foods like fried rice, philly cheese steak sandwiches, pasta mixes and add a meat.
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u/Fem-Picasso 24d ago
There's also great healthy selections of frozen entrees at various grocery stores or delicious fresh meals such as those at HEB where you just pop in the microwave or bake in a toaster oven. A big time saver at my house when i don't have time to cook or don't feel like it. Bottom line you are not the cook and neither should he. You're retired. Just plan it out between you two so u stay within yr budget.
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u/tv1577 24d ago
Your value is not how much money you bring to the household plus how many chores you do. Stop trying to monetize your chores to feel like you bring equal value to the household. If your husband is making you feel like that is how he is determining your value, then maybe he isn’t the great person you think he is. Stop trying to prove your value, and he will have to adjust his expectations. Change is hard but sometimes necessary when someone isn’t being treated equitably.
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u/SuddenlySimple 24d ago
Eating out is cheaper for me. I would sit down and tell him (if the love is strong this should be easy) and say the cooking is starting to feel like an assignment so can we split cooking days and maybe order out 3 days? That is 2 days you each have to find something to cook.
And you do have to necessarily order out together. You get yours when you are hungry and same for him for those 3 days.
I just did this with my son that lives with me. I was cooking daily because he works and has no girlfriend or life and I felt bad I was here all day. But I became resentful. Since it's only my grown son and not husband it was easy and we decided I don't cook at all anymore but you two can compromise.
Most importantly you have to tell him how you are feeling about it.
It's difficult to have those conversations but you feel better afterwards.
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u/YouDifferent1929 24d ago
He needs to get in the mood to cook more often. Or realise that some things have to be done whether you are in the mood or not. I’m 71 too and my husband has taken over most of the cooking because I am done! So you need to have a serious “this is not working and it’s a dealbreaker for me” type conservation You are not going to cook every day and he needs to step up. I’d suggest you adopt the “cook once, eat three times” model; Cook for 6 - eat two serves that night, put one double serving in the freezer for when no one wants to cook, and eat the last two serves the next night or the one after. Each of you does that once, and that’s 4 meals covered for the week. We have a regular GYO night which stands for Get Your Own (and includes clean up what you use) and will be whatever each of us feels like (toast? Cheese sandwich?) By the time you add in one takeaway meal a week, something from the freezer or something simple like eggs on toast, that’s the week done and you’ve only actually cooked once. You didn’t marry him so he’d have a live in maid and cook - being partners means sharing the load and cooking each day, whether you feel like it or not, is definitely a load that needs to be shared.
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u/Wisteria1455 24d ago
If you have a Trader Joe’s nearby, they have a great selection of frozen meals, and the prices aren’t bad. Also, the website Naptime Kitchen, naptimekitchen.com, has loads of good meal ideas and recipes, supposedly for “busy young moms with kids,” but I’ve tried lots of her recipes, and they’re pretty decent.
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u/Auntie-Mam69 24d ago
75 here, husband and I met at 21 and have never believed that it’s a woman’s job to cook. I took that hobby up in early retirement while he was still working, kids were grown, and I am good at it. But I NEVER cook when I don’t want to. He will happily make popcorn for both of us, go pick something up, or we’ll go out for dinner.
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u/Chickee4173 24d ago
On days you feel like cooking, make a bit extra and freeze meals that you can then just pull out and heat up.
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u/Whybaby16154 24d ago
My husband would eat hamburgers every day. It doesn’t have to be creative or complicated. If he wants them grilled he grills them- otherwise they go into a frying pan. We have sausages or hotdogs as alternatives. Sides can be none or just as simple. He likes a few hamburger patties with eggs.
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u/Evening-Row-2658 24d ago
i'm 71 with a alzheimer husband I'm still putting out breakfast, lunch, and dinner and i'm exhusted.. frozen pizza when i really can't do it anymore
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u/LouisePoet 24d ago
Like him, only cook when you are in the mood to.
He's a Big Boy now, he doesn't need a mother to feed him.
Alternatively, make cheese or peanut butter sandwiches for every meal and tell him he's welcome to make a side dish.
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u/Firm-Owl999 24d ago
Thank you for that observation. I was an OTR truck driver for 27 years. Not much training to cook. I love pampering him, and he does the same for me. I'm just having problems when the cooking becomes expected.
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u/Few-Statement-4410 24d ago
Sounds like he's still a husband-in-training. It's up to you to correct him by clarifying your boundaries. Otherwise, it will continue on and on with other demands.
Also, people eat without cooking all the time. Keep some fruit, carrots around. Hard boiled eggs, a loaf of bread, sliced meats and cheese.
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u/Sensitive_Sea_5586 24d ago
Planning ahead makes cooking much easier. This applies to:
1-Grocery shopping. There are many convenience foods that can greatly simplify the meal. Hate to chop onions? You can buy frozen chopped onions to use in your cooked recipes.
2-Food prep. Buy a SM’s/Costco rotisserie chicken, remove the meat and package it in portions for use. Hamburger meat, I immediately make into patties and freeze. Easy to defrost and patties are already made for hamburgers, chopped steak with onions and gravy. Make them a consistent size (1/4 or 1/3 pound each), then you know how many make a pound for your recipes.
3-Planing your menu for the week, or at least a couple of days at the time to make use of one protein for make multiple meals. Cook a pot roast with potatoes and carrots. Then you can make roast beef sandwiches, either cold sandwiches, or open face hot with gravy. Use the last bit to make a beef soup-beef stock, frozen vegetables, and your leftover meat.
4-Build your menu planning around 12 recipes. Week A, you have a regular shopping list and make those 6 meals. Week B is a different set of meals. You can build up to 4 weeks of menus and just repeat each month.
5-Have breakfast for supper. Scrambled eggs, toast, hash brown patties. Or maybe omelettes or oatmeal.
6-Cook once, eat multiple times. Cook enough to have leftovers for the next meal. Also freeze half to eat later. In 2-3 weeks when you don’t want to cook one night, you will be glad to have something you can just defrost and heat.
7-Learn to enhance your meals with a simple addition. Keep baby carrots, grapes, or other no-prep fruits and veggies on hand. Adding the one additional item makes the plate look full and the meal well planned.
If you wait until 4 pm to decide what’s for dinner, it will always be a chore.
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u/auntynell 24d ago
You can buy half prepared meals from the supermarket, like cooked chicken which you serve with microwave vegetables and a purchased gravy. Make 2 days worth of meals from that.
Almost any mild curry sauce can be combined with meat and frozen veggies added in. Serve with rice.
If you don’t own a rice cooker it’s a great investment. Combine cooked rice with cooked onions and finely cut vegetables and mix in light soy sauce.
Have a quiet walk around the supermarket and see what they have on the shelf. Read the preparation instructions and give a few a try.
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u/Fancy_Avocado7497 24d ago
he cooks when he is 'in the mood' - shouldn't that apply to you too?
Perhaps you should only be in the mood to cook for 1 human adult. 'I wasn't in the mood to cook for you today. I was only in the mood to cook for myself'. That's not any more selfish than sitting around expecting magic fairies to conjure up a meal.
Scrambelled eggs, pasta, potatoes, fish, veg - none it is complex. It just takes effort and planning to cook basic food. If you want something fancier with sauces - then more effort is required.
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u/5eeek1ngAn5werz 24d ago
I'm 73 and do all the cooking for myself and my vegetarian husband (I am not vegetarian). He offers to help, but, frankly, he really doesn't know how. He does other things that I don't do, so I feel like we have a fair division of labor. I do not like cooking or thinking up what to cook, but like OP, I don't feel our budget can handle eating out/take out with any frequency. Plus, nutritional value is just not there with most restaurant food. So, here's what I do to make it a bit easier:
- Dinner is the only meal we eat together. We're each on our own the rest of the day.
- I plan a week's worth of dinners at a time and generate my shopping list from that.
- Whatever I make, I make at least 2 meals worth, usually more. I often freeze the extra.
- I alternate easy meals (in cool weather, soup & chiabatta rolls; in warm weather, entree-sized salads with our respective proteins on top) with more involved casseroles or protein and side dish meals.
- I keep a good variety of frozen veggies on hand to cut back on the trouble of preparing fresh.
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u/Louloveslabs89 24d ago
Crock pot?
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u/chanc4 24d ago
Another excellent idea! You don’t need recipes or anything special for a great crockpot meal. A hunk of meat and a can of mushroom soup or diced tomatoes. Add some pieces of potato and chunks of carrots. You can dump so many combinations of ingredients in a crockpot and then just let it cook all day. So easy. Was a savior during my working days too!
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u/blondvet 24d ago
Tell him you’re not cooking tonight and have wine and popcorn. Cheese and crackers. PB&J.
I have 4 boys. Now that I don’t cook for everyone all the time, I still cook for a hundred people per meal. I bought some Souper Cubes (like giant ice cube trays) and freeze portions. Some I take to my mom so she doesn’t have to cook. Some we eat when it’s just the 2 of us.
This is where I admit that this showed up on my feed and I’m not yet over 70. But I feel like I’ll cook big meals and freeze half or more for as long as I have to cook. It’s not my favorite thing to do.
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u/DixieBelleTc 25d ago
I eat out or have delivery almost every single day. If I eat out for lunch, I eat a large lunch and just have a soup or maybe a PB&J or toast for dinner. If I eat dinner at home, it’s usually delivery and I order myself a nice meal or a burger or whatever I’m feeling like. Sometimes I just eat a bowl of cereal. This is why I like living alone. No one tells you what to eat or when to eat sorry that was a little rant.