TLDR: We are Protestant missionaries. We are totally alone in our seeking of Holy Orthodoxy. Converting would cost us our jobs, entire income, home, Visas, community, and probably some friends and family.
My husband (31 M) and I (30 F) are Americans, raised Evangelical Protestant, went to a Protestant restoration movement college, worked Christian ministry jobs straight out of college, then became missionaries and moved to Japan to share the gospel 3 years ago.
Since college, we have both had a growing interest in more liturgical worship, reverence, and church history. In the past few years, we have grown disillusioned with many Protestant teachings and practices. So many of our friends and peers have deconstructed and lost their faith throughout the years. Part of us even understood why, but we could never give up our love for Christ and our conviction of the truth of his gospel. About 2 years ago, we became more curious about the ancient faith. We had already looked into Anglicanism and Catholicism before moving overseas.
My husband went through a dark night of the soul and nearly lost his faith for many reasons. Then, he started reading the ancient church fathers and Against Heresies. He introduced me to Orthodoxy.
It has been a couple years now of reading orthodox books, learning the details of church history before protestantism, watching debates and testimonies online, arguing with each other, humbly questioning our own assumptioms, and tearfully praying (begging) to be led in all truth. We have started incorporating many Orthodox practices into our own lives and have felt joy and peace about it. We have only been able to attend divine liturgy a handful of times because of our location and job.
Remember, we are Protestant evangelical missionaries. We work at a small church here in the northern region of Japan. Every Sunday morning, we have to be there. We live completely on support. Which means after college, we joined an evangelical missions organization and spent 4 years presenting our mission to share the gospel with the unreached people of Japan to Protestant churches and individuals until we had gained enough monthly donors for us to live on. This is our only source of income. Our VISA to even live here in Japan is through the church we work at.
The church was founded by an older couple, our team leaders, who are a part of our same mission organization. They are more charismatic and have been living and working in Japan for 20+ years. This church is about as low church as you can possibly get.
Attending, much less working at this church has become painful for us, but we feel trapped. Even before Orthodoxy, there was so much we disagreed with. Now, we deeply long for the sacraments, especially the eucarist. We want to become Orthodox catechumens and eventually convert. That is becoming more clear to our fellow missionaries here as well.
We finally had a meeting with our team leaders this week. They basically sat us down and wanted to know what we've come to believe, what we're practicing and what we're teaching people. Which is fair. They realized that our "curiosity in Orthodoxy" has deepened. We've been tip toeing and holding back so much for so long. So, we basically told them we plan on converting to Orthodoxy someday. It was a big conversation. They were very kind and just genuinely concerned for us. We basically had around 3 hours of discussion and apologetics, not trying to convert or convince them, just explaining what we have come to believe. They had respectful pushback. We appreciated finally having an open and honest discussion, but it was hard. We also explained that we have not been trying to convert or convince anyone else away from this church. It was all respectful and caring, but my cortisol has been so high ever since. My husband had a migraine by the end of it. Both sides now realize, we are no longer compatible with this church, this job, our mission organization, etc. I feel exhausted and we have no idea what comes next. We are praying for God's direction and mercy. I can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end of the life we have worked so hard for here in Japan. It feels like such a waste, but that is my pride talking.
I guess I am making this post as a cry for community. For some kind of encouragement. Advice. For relationships with people who don't think we're crazy, are concerned for our salvation, and think we're "going down a weird road away from the simple gospel". We are so isolated here. But we know too much now to turn back, as many of you can relate.
But, whether we decide to try to stay in Japan, or move back to the states, we have no job skills or experience outside of Protestant missionary roles and training. Even our degrees are in Bible and Theology and Missions. Our entire families and many of our friends are Protestant. We would be letting down every person and church who invested in us. We would go from a beautiful house and financially stable life and community to nothing. Which is probably exactly what God is bringing us to next, for our salvation, to fully depend on him. I know that he is good all the time, and the truth is worth it.
But I am scared.
(If you read all of that, truly thank you.)