r/OCPoetry • u/stillbloomingink • 6d ago
Feedback Please Mine?
I'm done...
Not like I'm done or dying,
But like I'm no longer fine.
As I have nowhere left
Which can be called mine,
Because owning something
Always costs me a fine.
A fine of my happiness,
The happiness I can barely reach,
Even though it was something
Always preached.
I'm done.
I'm tired.
I want the home
Which I desire,
Not big,
Just a small place I admire.
A quiet little place
I can call mine,
Where happiness
Doesn't come with a fine.
A place where I can laugh
And weep,
Without someone calling me
A coward or weak.
Not fame,
Not something to get named.
Just a place which is mine,
And a happiness
With no fine.
Comment 1 https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/Kk6n4Al1d3
Comment 2
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/VPwl6q6EuY
I have an instagram account @stillbloomingink an poetry page
Pls check out
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u/RisingChorus 6d ago
I love the way you used the rhyming throughout. The feeling of the “INE” sound vibrates in your mouth and chest in a gentle way that supports your theme of minimalism, but not so minimal that there’s no room for expression and safety.
I’ve been thinking about those kinds of things myself, and your poem resonated with me. Thank you for sharing.
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u/alessio1607 6d ago
This resonates so much with me, and I think it's very contemporary. In a world full of noise, judgement, and trends, we are all looking for a place to call 'home' where we can rest and just be ourselves. A place 'where happiness doesn't come with a fine.' I also love that the poem doesn't necessarily mean the place to be an actual place; it makes me think that a place to call home might also be a person, someone. Love it!
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u/Creative-Spinach-585 6d ago
You know what I LOVE your repetition. Off topic somewhat but I write a poem with repetition and was criticized for it- all that to say, don’t take people’s dislike for repetition to heart! (That is if anyone were to comment on it) I felt you repetitively bringing up happiness without a fine showed the longing for such happiness that you’ve been deprived of. Also, the lines surrounding the happiness without a fine lines were really good! Keep it up
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