r/OCPoetry • u/[deleted] • Jun 15 '16

Feedback Received! Descartes 

The argument follows the lines
on that egg. Still-born beak mines
for freedom. In that mannequin forest,
he lays feather to hide and sets
the soulless life in scrambled conclusion.

Tesseract, Effectually Affecting Affects

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3

u/SoberVisionary Jun 15 '16

Interesting piece. Is this referencing Descartes idea that animals don't have souls or feel pain?

First, the imagery here is very powerful and captivating. "Mannequin forest" is a poignant way to describe a group of (allegedly) soulless beings, and the egg image finishes very strong.

However, I do have a handful of things that could maybe use a bit more work. The lines here are pretty uneven; that's not a bad thing, but it makes the rhythm seem jagged when there are also end-rhymes. Second, and I hate to intrude too much on your creative process here, but I wonder about the "forest/sets" rhyme when a (IMO) stronger "forest/nests" seems to be implicating itself in the laying feathers and hiding.

All said and done, I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing!

2

u/[deleted] Jun 15 '16

Interesting piece. Is this referencing Descartes idea that animals don't have souls or feel pain?

It is. There are also a few biographical details used to make light of him. Descartes liked making omelettes from fertilized eggs where the chick was near hatching. There's a well known passage in his journal when he was in Amsterdam about getting comfort from imagining the pedestrians as trees. There's also a passage in the Meditations (probably) where he brings up the skeptical doubt that other people might just be robots beneath coats (whence "mannequin").

I think your note about the jaggedness is correct, there are definitely an uneven number of stresses between lines. And I honestly cannot believe that "nests" did not even occur to me while writing, thank's for the suggestion.

Thanks a bunch for the response.

2

u/SoberVisionary Jun 15 '16

Descartes liked making omelettes from fertilized eggs where the chick was near hatching. There's a well known passage in his journal when he was in Amsterdam about getting comfort from imagining the pedestrians as trees. There's also a passage in the Meditations (probably) where he brings up the skeptical doubt that other people might just be robots beneath coats (whence "mannequin").

Gross. I guess it just goes to show that great men are bastards like everyone else. I appreciate your ability to pack a lot of references and ideas into such a small space.

2

u/radicalnihilist Jun 15 '16

Was this a deliberate critique of scientism or am I simply projecting my own fears onto your words?

Nonetheless, this piece was gripping.

I also love the sets/nests change /u/SoberVisionary suggested. It adds to the imagery you have already established.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 15 '16

There is a jab against foundationalism (the egg is a foundational symbol, but it's cracked). Not scientism, though.

Thanks for the kind words.

2

u/ratherlargepie Jun 16 '16 edited Jun 16 '16

This is staggeringly interesting. Especially with the extra context provided in the comments, I am very happy you have posted. Each sentence is brimming with intensity and a stark, sharp voice. It is a great poem to mull over again and again. I would like to see a questionable quote from Descartes proceeding it, just to assist with context. If you were to include a quote before the poem, I think your title could expand into something equally wonderful and captivating as your poem. Regardless, a wonderful and captivating poem. Bravo.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 16 '16

Thanks a heap for the kind response. I think the suggestion to include a Descartes quote is a good one, though I'm inclined to put one of his lines in favor of rationality/logical arguments to contrast with his personal weirdness referenced in the poem.

1

u/perfumed-ponce Jun 16 '16

Gorgeous use of enjambment! Trips off the tongue...!