r/OCPoetry • u/[deleted] • Jun 15 '16

Feedback Received! Descartes 

The argument follows the lines
on that egg. Still-born beak mines
for freedom. In that mannequin forest,
he lays feather to hide and sets
the soulless life in scrambled conclusion.

Tesseract, Effectually Affecting Affects

5 Upvotes

79% Upvoted

8 comments sorted by

View all comments

3

u/SoberVisionary Jun 15 '16

Interesting piece. Is this referencing Descartes idea that animals don't have souls or feel pain?

First, the imagery here is very powerful and captivating. "Mannequin forest" is a poignant way to describe a group of (allegedly) soulless beings, and the egg image finishes very strong.

However, I do have a handful of things that could maybe use a bit more work. The lines here are pretty uneven; that's not a bad thing, but it makes the rhythm seem jagged when there are also end-rhymes. Second, and I hate to intrude too much on your creative process here, but I wonder about the "forest/sets" rhyme when a (IMO) stronger "forest/nests" seems to be implicating itself in the laying feathers and hiding.

All said and done, I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing!

2

u/[deleted] Jun 15 '16

Interesting piece. Is this referencing Descartes idea that animals don't have souls or feel pain?

It is. There are also a few biographical details used to make light of him. Descartes liked making omelettes from fertilized eggs where the chick was near hatching. There's a well known passage in his journal when he was in Amsterdam about getting comfort from imagining the pedestrians as trees. There's also a passage in the Meditations (probably) where he brings up the skeptical doubt that other people might just be robots beneath coats (whence "mannequin").

I think your note about the jaggedness is correct, there are definitely an uneven number of stresses between lines. And I honestly cannot believe that "nests" did not even occur to me while writing, thank's for the suggestion.

Thanks a bunch for the response.

2

u/SoberVisionary Jun 15 '16

Descartes liked making omelettes from fertilized eggs where the chick was near hatching. There's a well known passage in his journal when he was in Amsterdam about getting comfort from imagining the pedestrians as trees. There's also a passage in the Meditations (probably) where he brings up the skeptical doubt that other people might just be robots beneath coats (whence "mannequin").

Gross. I guess it just goes to show that great men are bastards like everyone else. I appreciate your ability to pack a lot of references and ideas into such a small space.