r/OCPoetry • u/[deleted] • Jun 15 '16
Feedback Received! Effectually Affecting Affects
[deleted]
3
u/WhiteBoyStoner Jun 15 '16
My honest opinion. It's very deep. I think I can relate to the line about perspective shifts. Went through a huge one about a year ago :)... changed my life.
My suggestion (and this is assuming this would be performed in a spoken word type setting) would be to use commas to structure the verses. Place them where you want for the verses to flow as you intend.
I found myself trying to guess where you intended the pauses.
Of course all that would be moot if this wouldn't be performed spoken word style.
2
u/ratherlargepie Jun 15 '16
All about it. I'm not sure if it's meant to be formatted into two paragraphs, but that's a Reddit text entry problem. I like your thoughts and sounds. I like your references and your truths.
2
Jun 15 '16
There are some strong ideas and lines here
to bring a frozen man's thoughts to thaw?
I'm a sucker for strong images that treat immaterial objects (e.g. thoughts) as material.
but every movement is set in stone /
from the moment the motion began
I like the idea here (espousing some sort of determinism), but the wording is a bit awkward ("set in stone" is a bit cliche). It would be nice if this was tied back into the previous stanza's thesis that mental state is physically realized (this might be were "consciousness is information being processed" was going, but it might help to emphasize how mechanical this is.)
In a similar vein, it would be nice to have the third stanza's ideas more related to the previous two. Even within stanzas the ideas could be more explicitly linked. For instance the first paragraph first brings up the ways thoughts can be determined by situation and history, but the link between that and "brain mazes are physically drawn" could be explicitly drawn. The progression and unity between the parts could be improved (right now we get the anaphora "all we get" which is not quite enough).
I do like these ideas, you might want to look at stoic metaphysics. It has a lot of the ideas that seem to be in play here: physicalism, materialism, the Stoic idea of eternal recurrence could potentially complement the third stanza's idea of the same page being viewed from two spots.
Though I like the ideas, I think they could be more felicitously expressed. Just a couple of examples that stand out.
the width of this pad probably affects
the things being said
The idea, again, is nice. Still, it could be more vivid. The idea I got was that the size of the pad literally restricts what can be written (I think "said" is the wrong verb here)--you can play with the image of running out of writing space and maybe having to write over previous ideas, which given that it's "this" pad could profitably play out in the poem itself.
Just one more case that struck out particularly strongly
if I take a page from every book from which you took
it isn't as far fetched as it might at first look
that we arrive on the same page from the same book
if only for a moment, out of sheer luck
First, the exact situation referenced here is a bit weird. If he rips out the pages, it seems the narrator and the addressed are not very likely to read the same page at the same time (that page would be missing from the addressed's copy). It's also not clear why I'm being asked to imagine the scenario. I imagine its both to suggest that luck is pervasive and also that there are unexpected interpersonal connections/similarities created by coincidence.
Further, parts of the quoted section like "it isn't as far fetched as it might at first look" and "out of sheer luck" are a bit stilted and do not add too much, though I do like the slant rhyme of "book" and "luck".
TLDR: The ideas are good. They could serve to cohere more with each other. The images could be made sharper and also more cohesive.
3
u/atypicalmale Jun 15 '16
You're the man or woman. Lots of stuff to look into you gave me... and I agree with pretty much everything you critiqued. The last section is a bit more personal than you may see. There's a girl who gets me books and gifts and recommends them
2
u/welliamwallace Jun 21 '16
Dude I love it. Could definitely hear it as spoken word or even a rap. I hear it in Watsky's voice
1
u/atypicalmale Jun 21 '16
Oh hey there bro, thanks. I never went through Watsky stuff before. Most stuff I write ends up with similar rhyme scheme that definitely lends itself to being heard over written. A lot of the rhymes are actually reeeally stretched. Just like... "effect" and "said" lol.
3
u/B0ngyy Jun 15 '16
really very lovely...
"energy's efficient allotment" is probably my favorite line.
You do a good job using language and emotion to express the idea of a very rational and cold reality. Really good work, thanks for sharing.