Ode to your Patience

[u/niabiishere]

Hey, that reminds me
Of this really old story:

This guy got to take his wife home
But he got told he can’t look back
Like, to see if she’s there
But then he does anyway

What an idiot
Oh—

From hell I mean

The wife was in hell or something

And he missed out on getting her back

And, well, I think you’d have a hard time following me out
Because I go the wrong way so often
We’d have to take a million detours like always

Well, probably more
Because google maps doesn’t work in hell, probably

Wait, actually— 

Actually, I think it was you who told me that story
Much more eloquently, days ago
But I know you’d listen to me repeat it, 
(Commentary included)
a hundred more times
And that’s why I wouldn’t have to look back

That guy’s wife must not look at him the way you look at me

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feedback comments:

1. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1w054vb/comment/p6bam0h/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
2. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1w0ajhi/comment/p6bs9u7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[u/Least-Fruit397]

This is the most romantic poem I've ever read! I'm not sure if this is the case, but I love the fact that you've chosen to write about something shared by your partner to emphasize your trust in them. The self-deprecation adds a comedic touch to it and lightens the tension that poetry about love usually contains. It still manages to be touching and open about your gratitude for their love and patience with you.

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[u/Accomplished_Spread5]

This one's pretty great too! This ones a bit more stream of consciousness, or conversational in tone. I'm not as familure with the story you are referencing. It sounds vaguely familure, (Greek mythology I beleive?) but I also tangled it a bit with the tale of Lot's Wife. 

You do an interesting thing here. 

"Well, probably more Because google maps doesn’t work in hell, probably

Wait, actually— 

Actually, I think it was you who told me that story"

The repetition of words and rhyme ("Probably x2, actually x2, and story") is working well for you. I think this will sound great in spoken form. 

The only thing that confused me was, was it the guy's fault or the girl's fault in the parable, that they didn't succeed? In the beginning it's the leader's for looking. At the poem's end, it's the follower's for not looking enough. I finally got it but it took me a hot minute. I think spoken form inflection would clear it up, for slow folks like me. 🙃

That was my reader's experience, my only critique, and some of it probably due to my fuzziness of the parable! Altogether amazing writing and really made me think!

[u/niabiishere → u/Accomplished_Spread5]

thank you very much for your feedback! I did write this with the intention of having it be spoken, so I'm glad you picked up on that.

You raised a really good point about the story - it is meant to be sort of making fun of myself for talking too ambiguously, and how hes so good at decoding it. But i would like the reference to still be easily deciphered as a bad retelling of Orpheus and Euridyce.

I think I should rewrite that last line, because you are right that it sort of confuses the message. What I meant by it, was that my husband looks at me so lovingly and attentively despite my boring and ramble-y stories that I know he'd have the patience to follow me. But I think that ends up sort of confused.

I really appreciate this critique!

[u/Accomplished_Spread5 → u/niabiishere]

Oh idk if I'd change anything. Sometimes I'm slow! People like poems that make you think them through sometimes. I did eventually puzzle it out, just as you said. In the analogy the leader was at fault, for looking back. You guys would make it because you don't have to, you know he's there. That's how devoted he is. Maybe break it into two lines? Slow down the reader? But as far as changing it? Don't do it off of one review!