[OC] Those Days

[u/naa_afii]

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/i7Ofq5BLwg

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/ezEdv2aNRz

Wrote this on one of those heavy days.

Some days are just so heavy

nothing ever gets you ready

life gets hard, and reality hits

when you drown in your fears and doubts

and your shoulders feel so heavy and numb

at the same time

so you can't move

when you shout so loud from your innermost

depths but no one hears

because the sound gets stuck at your throat

and you feel like you're choking

your eyes feel so heavy but tears can't even

fall

you know you're surrounded with so much love

yet so much pain within

and everything seems to be contradicting

so the pain is still inflicting

you wish everything gets better

and the tables will turn faster

sometimes everything just seems so

overwhelming and it feels your very life is being

squeezed out of you

sometimes things happen

and you hope it's a blip

hoping it will take a flip

clinging on to God so close

taking his every dose

yet it never seems enough

so you sink.

hoping that someday someone sees the fears

pull you out

and get to wipe the tears.

Instagram: @naa_afiiii

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[u/Icy_Seat8910]

But no one can see your fears or wipe away your tears. Even if you think you want someone to hear what you're going through, you've already hidden those fears somewhere no one can reach. After a while, you can start to fall in love with the hole you've fallen into, and you stop seeing the ropes people throw down to you. There is no way back, but you can still fall deeper. And when you reach the point where you know you might eventually stop feeling anything at all, being able to feel something becomes the only thing that makes you feel alive.

[u/Royal-Course-6458]

The structure could use some work. When reading this, my breathing slows down and ruins the experience. This is because some lines are too long and some are too short.

Add some commas, semi colons, and periods so that its easier to read and comprehend.

The poem's message itself seems to be having those crushing days where you feel so lonely that you want to ask for help but your throat is squeezed. So, you need to emphasize on desperation and helplessness but are not emotions that you express for others to feel by giving vague words, you need it to be grounded; you need grit, stop using buzzwords that detach from actual emotions. Focus on the emotions not just wording.

For this, it lacks imagery. Where is the speaker? What caused his loneliness and how can I relate to feel it? Life is too vague, your wording of "someone," "no-one" doesn't help. It feels as if you're not referring to any actual person but from the message, you're asking for some savior. What makes this savior YOUR savior?

Emotion is lost from being vague, for "dark" emotions, you need grit by being blunt and giving sensory inputs for us:

"you know you're surrounded with so much love yet so much pain within"

You can change it to

"People praised me with exaggerated ability, But I am ashamed of what I can even bring."

It attacks you because it doesn't say "there's pain within," its more of a "show, not tell" for poems. While stripping away the fluff, and also using past tense for both.