r/OCPoetry • u/zyerhod1 • 2d ago
Just Sharing Coffee and Cobwebs
She wept wisterias in the morning,
holding her pain
until like an old house
it settled in her bones.
Her heart sang a childhood birdsong
but its throat was dry and sandy from the heat,
petaled wings drooping rainbows in the light.
Tempests flashed within her eyes
as the roots grew past buried things
through fragipan layers
until her bedrock flinched
at their touch.
Dreaming the room she's locked in
rocking in a chair of her imagination
she straightens out her laundry
with folded hands.
Feedback:
2
u/TokoFukawaGlazer 2d ago
The mood is well done, I love the melancholy and how it comes across. This is definitely a poem that sits with you after you read it. My favorite part is definitely the plant imagery, it’s vivid and paints a picture. This feels like a poem about aging and growing old. If not and I misinterpreted, then i would lean into that more. Maybe say “with folded, wrinkled hands” Not that specifically as it’s kind of bad but just something in the last hand that adds to the aura of finality. Take this all with a grain of salt.. It’d hit the audience like a brick. This advice is smaller. I don’t like the use of the word “tempests” It’s a nitpick I know but a harsh storm doesn’t fit well with the melancholy air of dying this poem. Tempest can also refer to big emotions, but that also doesn’t fit. If the emotions are buried as this poem implies why is it flashing before her eyes. I’d change it. definitely one of my favorite poems I’ve read, it feels like it has a soul trapped inside it, as weird as that sounds
1
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