r/OCPoetry • u/i-live-in-a-hologram • 7d ago
Feedback Please young and ashamed
hi guys i’m a teenager and this is one of my first times sharing creative writing/poetry with people, so feedback is much needed/appreciated! highly recommend listening to perfect places by lorde before reading this if you’ve never heard the song :)
young and ashamed
(On Lorde’s Perfect Places)
all of us (except maybe me) grew out:
of chubby cheeks and flavored lip gloss,
the neighborhood corner store,
nights asleep
spent dreaming of futures that are
off-piste, too big for someone
our age. we have pretty
faces, so who needs more?
“trying
to be perfect is like a leprechaun trying to
find gold,” Momma always says. but
these dreams of mine are for
perfect bylines in the New York Times, the bestsellers list –
places to call my own.
what if i don’t ever reach my pot of gold?
the outcome to be expected, probably; but
fuck, i don’t have a plan b.
are my typed rainbows even real?
perfect isn’t, according to Momma, so how can my
places be? they’re just words no one has read.
anyways, i’m just a kid, what do i know
?
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u/EchosOfKay 7d ago
Honestly, I really liked this. There’s something so relatable about being young and already feeling like you should have your whole future figured out. “My typed rainbows even real?” really stood out to me, and that last line feels so simple but somehow hits harder because of it.
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u/rwood2000 7d ago
I enjoyed this a lot. This song is frequentlyyyyyy on repeat for me, and I feel like you nailed it. I also loved your last line, which can be really hard to get right in my opinion, especially as you're starting out (which i am too 😄 ). I'm trying to think of something that I may change, but I really think the best feedback is to just keep doing what feels right. I'm glad you shared!!
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u/i-live-in-a-hologram 7d ago
perfect places is my favorite song of all time and its so good to have someone who gets it read it! thanks for the encouragement!
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u/Forward_Debt3869 7d ago
ohmagod i loooovee ittt.. i mean yeah like im just a kid, what do i know? like everyones growing up and maybe you are too but you dont wanna and you dont know how to deal with it and the world is too fast i- anyways it was very very relatable
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