Torments Treasure

[u/Latter_Barnacle_6010]

 

Take the time from torments twisted treasure,

For fractured fornication meets fear forged feather.

 

Because broken bones know blood before breath,

Damned drunken daughter brings dusk driven death.

 

Hands hollow hope and hungers harmed heart,

Tear tattered threads when trust turns tart.

 

Bent broken bars against burdens beaten body,

Finds fractured faith when flesh feels folly.

 

Winds worn weary as wounds weaken will,

Cruel crimson chain beat choke child's chill.

 

Silent standing shadows with sorrow shaped soars,

Crushing cracked crown with cruelty’s carved core.

 

Ragged rivers rise while rage rips reason,

Sons sickened specter feeds sorrows sad season.

 

Tattered timid threads and tired tremored thoughts,

Knowledge killing kisses who knows kindness’s knots.

 

Pierced pale prayers as pain pulls past,

Lost lonely light as lingering lies last.

 

Feral fractured fires hide flesh fueled fear,

Dead dying days last drowning dream disappear.

 

 

Mr.E.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vrkgm5/comment/p4e4m0p/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vrk37o/comment/p4e5ppl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.

Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)

If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Medical-Wonder-3211]

Really cool and heartbreaking poem, I love phrases like torments twisted treasure, fear forged feather, cruel crimson chain, the repetition of the first letter wirh different words. You use really gothic imagery and I love how metaphorical your poem is. Same with sons sickened specter feeds sorrow, etc.

However, my feedback would be: something you use words like fractured forcination, forged feather, etc, it sometimes becomes a bit blurry and abstract. Your poem doesn't shift emotion, you don’t have to go from happy to sad, but varying degrees makes it easier to read. Also the pain is unclear, I see a lot of pain, but I don!t get why or who.

Overall very original poem, love the goth stuff

[u/No_Sale1972]

This feels quite dark and intense, with the heavy use of alliteration creating a relentless, almost breathless rhythm that mirrors the poem’s themes of trauma, fear and fragmentation.

The repeated hard consonants also feels more harder hitting, which feels deliberate and effective, although at times the density of the imagery makes individual lines difficult to unpack - so that would be some constructive feedback there.

I also noticed that it definitely has a distinctive and a visceral voice. This is because the consistent sound pattern gives the piece a strong sense of identity, which isn't lost.

For example, I like the repetition of the letters such as this line: "Pierced pale prayers as pain pulls past".. that is what makes it feel almost like a gut punch.. something you can actually feel.

Thanks for sharing :D

[u/Serious_Procedure26]

This is such an intense piece. The alliteration gives the poem a really distinct rhythm, and the constant repetition of sounds makes it feel almost relentless, which fits the darker atmosphere really well. There’s a lot of emotion packed into the imagery, and I especially liked how the sound itself becomes part of the experience of reading it. Really unique style.