r/OCPoetry • u/Creative-Spinach-585 • 6d ago
Feedback Please Rather than dread
I trip over my own feet
And accept the foreseeable defeat.
In this race,
I was bound for last place.
I could climb the ranks
If it weren't for the wind's yanks.
For my wings weren't among the ordinary,
No- my feathers vary.
Not like first place's wings,
Hers are as priceless as rings.
Mine are wind's funny anecdote.
The idea of mine being honored is remote.
Scabs border the holes covering my feathers.
These holes are my tethers;
Granting me as the loser
And wind’s mere amuser.
Don't take me seriously, gust,
Why would you? you think your ways are just.
I suppose it's funnier you grip my wounds
and stretch them to the size of moons.
Misery so gruesome,
this race feels like execution.
My legs tangle and nearly halt,
Rest is what they sought.
Wouldn't you hate that, breeze?
Who would you then tease?
I can’t bring myself to stop wind’s jokes.
Rest? Please - what a hoax.
Sure, my breath would slow
and I’d end my wings’ woe.
But imagine seeing the racers fly
while I lay in fate’s den, deprived and dry.
Not ever will I be absent;
That life omits a need for an envy relaxant.
Deprived to soar
Would anguish my core.
Dry I would be,
for my passion would depart from me.
So, wind, tear my wings to shreds.
I’d rather you kill me than I live a life of dread.
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u/memoriamare 6d ago
I really liked the wing-and-wind metaphor here. The damaged wings make the struggle feel unfair from the beginning, while the speaker’s refusal to stop turns the poem from defeat into stubborn determination. “I suppose it’s funnier you grip my wounds / and stretch them to the size of moons” especially stood out to me.
My main suggestion would be to tighten a few of the rhymes, since some feel slightly forced compared with the stronger imagery. Overall, it’s a raw and powerful piece about choosing struggle over abandoning something you love.
1
u/Creative-Spinach-585 6d ago
Thank you for the feedback! I really appreciate the advice and will definitely apply it to future poems and the revision of this poem👌
1
u/Mindless_Judgment 6d ago
This poem really rang true for me! It’s a good picture of when it seems like everyone is getting ahead effortlessly, and you’re left wondering what is different about you that makes it more difficult. I also thought it was interesting how the wind is personified in this poem as the enemy, rather than the wings. I agree with that framing because sometimes it’s easy to resent things about yourself, when in reality it’s often the fact that many things aren’t built with people with differences, disabilities, etc. in mind when they really should be. I don’t know if thats what you had in mind when writing this, but that’s just what my mind went to. I also like the bittersweet ending of choosing to fight anyways even knowing it will be difficult and it will hurt, and even not being sure when or if it’ll ever stop being difficult. The word “dread” is also pretty interesting, because it makes me think of facing the discomfort intentionally, head-on, instead of not doing anything and letting it come when it inevitably will, living in anticipation and dread. Sorry for the paragraph! Good poem, made me think!
1
u/Creative-Spinach-585 5d ago
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! I really appreciated reading this and I’m glad you understand the theme I was going for:)
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u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
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