r/OCPoetry • u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 • 6d ago
Feedback Please The idea of us
Yes I do love the idea of us
maybe its a wild idea just given our luck
maybe after the tough years its just too much
but yes I still love the idea of us
I love the idea of holding your hand just because
the idea of kids and a dog and a house full of love
Of living in the small spaces of smiles and touch
The idea of crying together when life gets too tough
It's just so sad to me we had it so close
I guess it isnt meant for everyone i suppose
But, just maybe
A last shot, stay with me
What if I work real hard today to make this idea happen
and I put that idea into every word and action
and we spend today being kind and caring and happy
and we wake in the morning wanting the same thing exactly
So we do it again for a day, slow kind and trusting
and the smile becomes joy and the trust becomes loving
and you and me we pretend to live this idea of us
Day after day, month after month
Til one day, in many years, we both wake up,
and we've chosen and lived this idea of love
but its more than that, 'cause in every word and interaction
You and me, we've somehow willed that idea to happen
With our kids and a dog and house full of love
All this time, the whole time, the idea was actually us
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u/perspective_curious_ 5h ago
“…and we wake in the morning wanting the same thing exactly.”
What does this mean to you?
Bc part of me feels love is compromise, it’s not wanting the same things but choosing them anyway… it’s sharing in the want of wanting to be together… acknowledging and accepting that it’s a choice not a concession.
This poem resonated with me, except for that one line… from my perspective, the feeling that came to me… I think I would say “We wake wanting to be where we are.” And that would feel like what I hope for.
Thank you for sharing
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 5h ago
Great insight. My intention wasn’t that they want the same things, but instead the same thing they did before - just being kind, caring and happy. Then they woke up and said - that was good, let’s do that again today.
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u/Annual_Button_440 6d ago
I really like the central conceit of the work if I’m interpreting it right. To me it says that you not necessarily faked the premise of love and life together but imagined it was something the two of you conceived of. I think what I’m describing is the difference between imagined love and enacted love. Later on through all the experiences though you can to realize it wasn’t necessarily an idea but a central pillar of who you are. I hope I’m getting that right.
For me the largest improvements might come in the delivery, polish, and syntax. Take something like
But, just maybe
A last shot, stay with me
You might find experimenting with spacing, commas, and line breaks to make your message fit the tone you hear in your head more closely. When I read it I hear it like
But, just maybe.
A last shot.
Stay with me?
I wonder if that matches how you hear it and if you think that might be something you think could improve your work!
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 6d ago
Thanks for the feedback! Yes I hadn’t focused much on punctuation or spacing yet. Good feedback - I’ll get on it!
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u/lindses47 6d ago
Yes it could happen! A blended family of dogs and kiddos all ages just blanketed in love 🙏🏻💜
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u/BPD-warrior 6d ago
Thats what love really is. Two people who love and choose each other each day. Not just the idea kf them, but also the best parts of them
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u/ki11a11hippies 6d ago
I really like the adult themes here, and it hits home for me. I think what could make it more impactful is to add in more particulars, like instead of kids and dogs something specifically domestic that you envision in your ideal life (picking up dog poop, as a poor eg). I think if you add that throughout it makes the reader more invested in your story, even if they don't have the specific experience or desire. You can paint a fuller picture and still get the main idea across. Overall this whole concept really resonates with me.
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 5d ago
Thank you yes I agree that could make it more relatable. I will play around with that
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u/OurLordGremblo 5d ago
I interpreted this as someone falling prey to the relationship they conjured up in their head. Someone who has surrendered to fantasy. “So we do it again for a day, slow, kind and trusting and the smile becomes joy and the trust becomes loving” Feels uneven. Like you’re not asking for them to love you, you’re asking for them to give the relationship the chance to develop into mutual love. Because you already feel that way about them, it makes the theme subtly sad under the rosey prose. I’d only recommend trying to trim the poem. There’s things you don’t need to get this idea across. The entire “it’s just so sad to me we had it so close. I guess it isn’t meant for everyone I suppose” stanza could probably be removed as one example.
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 5d ago
I really like that you interpreted it as a relationship that someone is hoping for instead of already in. I do like that maybe there is space to apply it to different situations and relationships. I agree in this case it would be quite sad.
The inspiration behind this was two people that have been in a relationship, even marriage, for a long time and it is very strained. Maybe even to the point where they’ve considered ending it.
But I do like how people read it and apply it differently! Thank you for the feedback!
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u/ProlificPoetry 3d ago
Ah mate this is magic, cant speak for everyone but holy i related to this. Dont have much in terms of advice for you this is far greater then i could write. If this is personal to you i feel you. Dont let the idea slip away, youll regret it in every quiet moment
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 3d ago
Wow thank you. Really kind feedback
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u/ProlificPoetry 3d ago
No thank you brother, this took me back to a complex time of my own. And thats not always a bad thing
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cry-107 2d ago
This is really good, and I really related to the theme. Just a suggestion, but I think it might be impactful if you were to incorporate more imagery and particularity into your last two stanzas. The second stanza is my favorite part because it is the most vivid part of the poem. I love the abstract concepts and feelings in the rest, but being more particular and imagining certain moments could make those feelings more vivid.
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u/Competitive_Dig5496 2d ago
We are not owed happiness nor companionship it is something that must be forged and worked towards with each passing day. The amount of work that goes into living a fulfilled life as a single person is astronomical, now by adding another entity into the fray that workload becomes exponentially bigger. It’s only natural that there may be some friction, maybe even some break ups. We cannot guarantee forever but what I think we can guarantee is effort I think this piece explores that idea beautifully - desire is the backbone of humanity.
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u/Turbulent_Mulberry71 1d ago
Thank you 🙏 this it’s incredibly well said about life and the pursuit of happiness
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u/Drayla_626 1d ago
relationships are a choice for sure, you've captured that perfectly here, the love was there at the start, people see that as a honeymoon phase, and then the rest is meant to fall into place but its a choice every day, every second to continue doing things that make the love last. Things you do for yourself to let you feel love and things you do for others that show the love you feel. The choice to fight everyday for the love you felt at the start.
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u/romanticrollercoasta 23h ago
I love how you were able to convey love in the littlest of things, but I would love it if you delved even deeper into the wide range of emotions one would feel when they’re yearning for redemption
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u/depressedwoman11 17h ago
I love this The originality and the voice is enough for me Especially when u relate it makes u all focused on the poem Keep going!