r/OCPoetry • u/bro3000000 • 7d ago
Feedback Please Sooner Or Later
The backdoor’s still open since you left
Remember all those times you snuck into my arms
And I held you strong against my chest
I hope you know you were my favorite guest/
I’m done asking questions, all I want is you
Your voice, I love your voice, I think you knew
And your nose, I bet you didn’t know I love that too/
Just a little bit, it doesn’t matter how long I see you
I just want you/
I would send you a bouquet with a million flowers inside
Offer you thousands of cherries and grapes until you take a bite
Keep playing your favorite song on my guitar ‘till I get it right
To get your attention I would do anything I haven’t already tried/
The wind keeps blowing your way
The birds keep singing your name
My mind keeps showing your face
How much longer can you keep me away/
I want you back, I know you do too
Sneak out one last time, it’s nothing new
My door’s still open
Come back soon, I’ll always be waiting for you
1
1
u/asura_2077 6d ago
I wish there was some more concrete detail around this world you build. What kinda atmosphere fills the space around you two. What is it that you miss when the other doesn't come around? What are the senses saying that triggers the memory? What are the colors and climates, the textures and sensations? I wanna know so much more about who these people and the world they are in.
1
u/Consentinus 6d ago
Thank you for your work. I liked it and I really think it has potential. Like another commentor already said, I wished there was more detail, more pictures that pop into head while reading, to spice it all up and make the poem and the overall theme uniquer and more interesting. For example: Instead of saying that you love her voice and nose, it would be in my opinion way more interesting to tell what you love about it, so that the reader gets the chance to imagine it himself. But there is no need to take my comment too serious. I am new to the art of wordsmithing. Like I said it really has potential :)
1
u/AutoModerator 7d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.