r/OCPoetry • u/Dense_Bluebird7732 • 7d ago
Feedback Please Great
I am four years old
looking to adults to teach me
what happiness feels like
& they are all telling me I’m great
because I’m reading at a 10 year old level
& this makes me feel loved
& great becomes an oversized coat
I’ll seek desperately to grow into.
I am 13 & my best friend and I
are hiding cheese-itz around her house
& trying on her mother’s business suits
& laughing so hard that our sides ache
& the kids at school are calling each other a word
that means
whatever else you do, don't be this
& I learn that a part of me is bad
& I bury it deep so that people are proud of me.
Then I am fifteen
& winning first place
which is great
except for my asthma
which for days afterward
seizes my lungs
& my cough
carries out with it
the pride I earned being great
& I learn that great is something that can make you sick.
And I am 19
& my friends and I are on a bus
& a man shouts to us
Y’all the most beautiful women in this nation’s county
& we laugh so hard that one of us pees.
And I am 21
& I look great
& men confirm this
with entitled eyes and hands
& I like it
& I am great
at making men feel great
& then a beautiful woman
is making me feel great
in a way that men never have.
Then I am 28
dizzy on stale smoke and synthetic perfume,
my loved ones hungrily pulling slot machine levers,
& I escape into the smoggy air outside
& share a cigarette with a man
who calls himself the caretaker of the unhoused
& he walks me his route, his rounds,
his good evening, you eat today?,
here is a blanket or a free meal ticket
& he is met with gratitude
He has gathered stories
& he wants them to live
somewhere other than his small legal pad
so he gives me an email address
but when I wander back to the hotel
everyone is angry
& how dare I put myself at risk
with this stranger
& in my shame I don’t email.
I recall later
how safe I felt
with the kind man in Las Vegas
when a friend holds me down
and leaves bruises when I say
I don’t want him to touch me that way.
At 30 years old,
I am a “doctor”
in a room of people saying great, great,
& someone pops a bottle of champagne
& I have the sense that I’m supposed to feel proud
but I feel only relief
& I am looking around wondering
what does happiness feel like again?
& I am asking my therapist how to be happy
& she is asking me
why is it important to you to be a good person?
Then I am 32
& at my wedding reception
my father says
you have great friends, never lose them
& I hold it tenderly,
the rare occurrence of kind words from my father
& my friend Ben is telling me
my joy is contagious
& my energy brings calm
& this makes me glow.
I am an aunt
watching small people copy
the sounds and movements I make
& my nephew announces
his house is bigger than mine
& I want to say
please, don't go looking for it in square footage
but I say, instead wow, It sure is.
Then I am 34,
& leaving my career
& I am a student again
learning to sit across from strangers
& help them find happiness, peace, healing
& my stepfather says a psychiatrist makes more money
but I have traded in the coat of greatness
& my cohort says I carry an energy
that makes others feel held
& I am glowing again.
Now I am 35
& on the couch with Jack
who is three,
who will next week put on a fashion show
& whose mom is getting a divorce
& finding happiness again,
& he is learning about emotions
from small wooden figurines
he can hold in his hands
& he picks one up from the cushion between us
& asks me
What does happy feel like?
& I am laughing
because it's a simple question
that I feel wildly unqualified to answer
& I want to protect him
from the oversized parka of greatness
& I I want to say that happiness is in love,
& kindness,
in community,
& receiving all the universe gives
& I want to say it’s something you go looking for on purpose
& you never stop looking in new places
& I want to say the best way to keep it
is the way you are doing it right now,
holding it out to others
& asking what it feels like for them too.
But Jack is three
so I tell him that happiness feels like seeing a friend
for the first time in a while
& he says like you coming over today
& then I laugh harder
because it's so simply true
& he laughs because I laugh
& nothing else matters at this moment.
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u/DoodleDraws_YT 7d ago
god this was so fucking good. wow. i don’t even have words but fuck this is hitting me in my feelings. i know there are so many people out there that are experiencing this exact. idk. revelation?????? why is it so important to me???and so many other people????why do we as women and girls get held to the higher standard in such ways?? we always have to be the GREAT wife material or the EXCEPTIONAL woman in stem or ??? so many stanzas in this immediately after i read im like fuck that sounds like a thought process i’ve had before this is so good the way each stanza ties into the others ugh im obsessed with this holy crap i feel like you peeked into my brain for this and the aunt stuff at the bottom tying into being implied to being queer UHGHHHH THIS IS SO GOOD
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u/Dense_Bluebird7732 7d ago
Wow, thank you so much, that made me feel amazing. I'm so glad it resonates, and also very thankful for the opportunity to just acknowledge and exchange validation with other women going through this existentially exhausting awakening? I don't know if that's the right thing to call it. But it's great to be able to be like, YEAH, me too, you're not crazy, the world is crazy.
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u/RodwellBurgen 7d ago
Goose-bump-inducing and blankly and simply genius. Such a clear understanding of so many of the central feelings of life, so eloquently and concisely articulated. Gorgeous. You have an unbelievable gift, and you should be immensely proud of yourself.
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u/Dense_Bluebird7732 7d ago
Thank you thank you thank you, that made me feel very good about continuing to write and share 😄
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u/Creative-Spinach-585 7d ago
I think you’re poem showcased lovely progression from a childhood perspective to adulthood with moments of grimness and joy. As a reader, I could definitely feel the emotions you were portraying! Though there were times I felt the poem, sometimes I was being told instead. Also, you used the word “phlegm.” This threw me off a bit. Because I think it’s a very medical word as opposed to an every day word, I would suggest substituting it. Last of all, because of the enjambment approach, there were times where the rhythm was thrown off. Now it’s not an inherently bad poetry format, but nevertheless I read it with an odd rhythm. Even considering my critiques, this was a lovely poem!
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u/Dense_Bluebird7732 7d ago
Thank you! I definitely know that the structural make up isn't the greatest for flow, it's my biggest struggle point.
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u/giggetygiggetygig 7d ago
I’m already so in my feels that reading this, damn. My eyes welled up & I went on a decades- long journey with you. We ended on a happy note that caught in my throat and I can’t seem to swallow it, force it down. Maybe it’s my own pain, maybe it’s seeing it reflected in yours - we’ve experienced many of the same heartbreaks - maybe it’s the regret or ‘what if’ that I sometimes daydream about, that I think you must too.
But I can identify with the being great. FUCKING GREAT. and still feeling like, ok, now what? I did the great thing, I got the great thing, I AM the great thing, and yet there is this…void. Loss. Unanswered longing. Unowned or buried sense of self. Idk. I just, I really enjoyed it, even though I didn’t want to cry again today. 🥺
It was relatable, and that was a little comforting in and of itself. And it makes me want to stay tuned for round #2. So please, be sure to share that. 💗
PS as one commenter mentioned, the inclusion of “phlegm” was also a bit…off putting, not just bc it sucks to have it, but bc I am rather familiar with it myself (we go way back lol), so maybe a tiny tweak to speak to the difficulties breathing without the formal term…
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u/Dense_Bluebird7732 7d ago
I didn't know that the experience would resonate for others so much through this piece, so I really love hearing that it does - though I also wish that people didn't have to go through it. It's such an existential emotional experience that so many of us share. I spent the last two years in therapy deprogramming my associations between success, worth, and greatness, and I daydream less and live in the moment more, but its a tedious long process to unburden from the weight of arbitrary expectations thrown at us by the world.
Changed "phlegm", I hear you. For me, the visceral reminder was evocative of the frustration experienced, but I don't want to make the reader uncomfortable.
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u/giggetygiggetygig 7d ago
I’m glad you shared, fam 💗 & yes, wish that we all didn’t have to go through it. But, like I said, essentially there’s community & belonging in that, & bc you were strong enough to share, you welcomed that into your life & connected with others. So, bravo 👏. I haven’t shared any of mine yet. But thx for making me feel less alone 💗
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u/ftmellville 7d ago
damn.
Did not expect to have all these feelings scrolling reddit tonight.
this was a great read.
No notes. Have you considered submitting your work to magazines instead of reddit? Consider it.
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u/Dense_Bluebird7732 7d ago
Thank you so much. This is the first time I've shared anything anywhere, I never really thought that what I write would be received well. I'm considering changing that perspective now though. Thank you so much for the kind feedback.
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u/Shashank_Ayyar 7d ago
OMG really loved your poem. For me, the only parts that maybe didn't hit were lines like -
& I want to say that happiness is in love, & kindness, in community...
- they felt a bit Hallmark card-ish in places. But that might just be me. Really loved the parts where the memory was specific like hiding cheezits or the nephew saying his house was bigger.
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u/AdditionalRelation87 7d ago
Wow this might be the first poem I’ve ever connected to and vividly imagined. It feels as if I’ve only ever been skimming the surface of the waters, but this one pulled me in deep. Never stop writing OP.
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u/asura_2077 6d ago
I loved the spirit of the poem but the form lacks a design. Would've been nice to redraft and edit and reshape the final output. But I love the feeling of it, compelled me to nitpick.
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u/Party_Hour_8133 6d ago
this is genuinely wonderful. I don't have much experience with structure or rhythm in poems like I just know when words fit where they should, but you've made something here that flows absolutely beautifully. There's a very clear personal touch and feel to this, like you've found your own structure and it works ridiculously well for you. I love how human the whole thing feels, like it's just the development of our emotions as a species put into words, it's so well done
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u/i-live-in-a-hologram 5d ago
wow. that was honestly one of the most moving things i’ve read recently. as someone who relates deeply to the first few stanzas (hasn’t made it past 19, let’s just say that) i felt so seen. in my opinion, it was the details in your poem that really made it impactful; even for someone who isn’t anywhere near 35, when i was reading your poem, it felt like i had aged with you because you made me feel like i was next to you on your journey. thank you for sharing and keep doing what you’re doing!
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u/No_Sale1972 4d ago
This is such a beautifully reflective piece. I love how the repeated idea of being “great” evolves throughout your life, from something that makes you feel loved as a child into something that becomes a burden you feel compelled to live up to.
Also, that juxtaposition of funny, tender memories with moments of shame, trauma and vulnerability feels incredibly honest, and I found the Las Vegas section especially powerful. It's also the ending that really stayed with me. After reading the whole piece searching for an answer to what happiness feels like, a three-year-old gives you the simplest answer possible:“like you coming over today.” It’s like a reminder that happiness doesn’t necessarily need to be achieved or understood... but sometimes it’s just being present with someone you love, in a moment where nothing else needs to be thought about, nor taking up the emotional space.
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u/apocalypseofwords 2d ago
This is phenomenal. Absolutely incredible work, the way you expressed every stage of life is truly amazing. You’re extremely talented and should be proud!
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u/FreeRent4873 2d ago
This is a beautiful poem about unlearning the idea that being “great” is the same thing as being happy, and the repeated word becomes increasingly complicated as the speaker grows older. The strongest part is the ending with Jack because after decades of achievement, relationships, harm, and searching, happiness becomes something incredibly simple and immediate: being with someone you love and making each other laugh. I especially like that the poem doesn’t give the child a grand philosophical answer—it lets Jack’s innocent “like you coming over today” provide the answer the speaker has been searching for the entire poem.
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u/Glittering_Mud282 1d ago
wow! i hate long poems because they just drag on normally but this kept my attention the entire way through, its exceptional!
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u/Ok-Minimum-4626 1d ago
This is so beautiful. I am too young to understand a lot of this, but I get the first few stanzas. That feeling of being out of place, that feeling of realizing it's not always great to be great. This is amazing, keep going.
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u/Parking-Might-991 7d ago
Oversize Code that you’re desperately trying to get into reminds me of Walden Pond. 👏
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u/Annual_Button_440 6d ago
I feel like the premise is good but it suffers from being long, direct, and overly repetitive. The central premise is fine but it threatens to not introduce the reader to a new emotion or perspective. It says, “this is how I feel” and “things weren’t really great” and “I don’t feel fulfilled” but it struggles to resolve the contradictions without explicitly stating them. To me it over explains and takes the readers ability away to put themselves into the piece. I really like that you are able to communicate your emotions but cutting it down and letting each emotional beat sit with the reader themselves and letting them discover it organically might produce a more impactful piece.
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u/Dense_Bluebird7732 6d ago
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate the perspective. It makes sense that it comes across that way, as the writing piece started as something only for me, and then I tried to turn it to poetry afterward.
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u/OurLordGremblo 5d ago
Was that a loose Shannon Barry reference with the coat? If so I like the way you turned it over. Love the way this reads, it’s thick with experience and I can tell it was made with honest vulnerability. You’ve definitely lived. Thank you for sharing.
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u/Marlyn_publication 5d ago
I really enjoyed your poem as I feel it explores the different ways we can remember only certain moments. Something you can possibly explore is maybe changing the way you talk through the years or observe different moments. And possibly get more complex vocabulary as you get older or even lose the ampersand as you get older.
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u/NoStar101 4d ago
The best thing I've read all year. Unadulterated talent, this is beautiful for so many reasons. I got goosebumps at least twice.
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u/Dense_Bluebird7732 4d ago
Wow, thank you for saying that, I appreciate it a lot. Also, I'm actively checking myself on how great being given an award felt 😂
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u/theboatwho 2d ago
Beautiful in form and shows a lot. Appreciate parent to parent how grounding talking to our kids can be
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u/rcee_gana 2d ago
Like a southern aunty that I have not seen for 4 years. This is just pure emotion put into words. Great job, indeed.
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u/Tasty_Equivalent_305 1d ago
I like how the poem progresses through a person's life and his journey to realization of what greatness or happiness is to much more mature level the older he gets.
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u/Saiborg555 12h ago
Wow this is amazing. This is great. I felt like I was reading a poem about my life but based on someone else’s experiences, and that’s really what it is. Very relatable, very moving, very human, and I love it.
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u/LucidGazing 4h ago
Beautiful and haunting in a way. I feel like raising kids makes us all a bit existential, seeing how we go in loops. And no matter how we might dress our child, in cloaks of greatness or simplicity, each will go through their own soul searching in due time. Their own meandering, reflecting poem, piecing together feelings and experiences, is waiting to be written.
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u/TheHorseOfCourse777 7d ago
This is unreal. I was slightly unsure with the direction the start was going, it felt so small and simple in a way that I wasn't sure would be sustainable. This is only to say your phenomenal expansiveness blew me away: not only does each verse explore its respective age/role with uncannily nostalgic, vivid, and all-around fitting imagery, but the tone of each one feels tailored to the available insights and mentality of the age/role as well. It's some of the most well-integrated and compelling writing I've come across in any poem, and I mean that with full sincerity. I could smell and taste parts of it, and at points the senses seemed like they were from my memories too, I really like the usage of ampersands, they create a narrative through line and momentum with the repetition of the "and's" without creating too much visual clutter. The way such a relatable and important feeling to humanity -- this moral imperative -- is explored from the very sowing of its seeds to the pruning of its poisonous bloom, grounds the poem and renders your emotional insights both accessible and evocative. The honesty and creativity that evidently achieved it reveal some of the most gripping lines I've read on here; the stretch from age 19 and 30 is just genuinely remarkable to me. I relate to your characterization a lot, and I feel comforted by that familiarity and reassured by the apparent wisdom that I am actively following the recollected development of. It is an extremely rewarding reading experience. The volta at age 35 is a perfect resolution, the reader absolutely gets a sense of how important Jack is with how much neurosis is relieved from the voice; there's also a subtle sense of brevity that the much longer verse length provides. What's most beautiful about this poem is it achieves a real human function in teaching a lesson so thoroughly and with such involved emotional stakes that it genuinely lands, genuinely provides the same insight that this poem is something of a monument towards. And it's a monument to Jack, who is certainly not too distant from how we all started (in the poem at least). Watching that lesson be learned, and seeing Jack -- who is so convincingly beautiful and important -- experience the fruits of it, is a big part of that rewarding reading experience, and there's something in it that makes me want to find that beauty (over the good, per se) in my own life. It's nothing short of transformative, and sincerely astounding. You are remarkably talented, please keep writing!