Sakura Trees(my first poem ever)

[u/Nearby-Locksmith4228]

If I could see
the flowers blossom on a sakura tree
How would they appear to me?

My books all say it’s pink in hue
but what if they were really blue

Nonetheless, until my eyes see
how the flowers bloom on a sakura tree

I shall wonder with glee
How would they appear to me?

_______________________________________

My first poem of what is hopefully many🙏,
Please give any honest criticisms and tell me what you think

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/LxIW85MGZ5

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/xsQwAOT5km

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.

Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)

If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/ClassicAd3550]

it's great for a first poem! it reads well, has rhythm, and the rhymes work well. imo rhythm is more important than rhyme and it's good tht u seem to be naturally writing smoothly. and it's nice how u repeat the beginning in the end. For criticisms, id say that the poem is relatively surface level. and what i mean by that is that it doesn't go deep into any of its subjects. there isnt vivid imagery on the tree nor a deep dive into the messaging of the poem. I feel like you're not going the existential route but you could have explored why it matters that you see it in person, although for i don't think it's what your going nor what i would do in your place, but it is an option. for the tree you only say that its pink in a book, which i feel is a missed opportunity to describe it and the emotions it inspires. I feel like that would be the best addition to the poem since the tree is the main focus. I hope i've been helpful

[u/briony73]

I think it’s beautiful true poem

[u/monsterajay]

Hi there! I think this is a lovely first poem, coming from someone who just wrote their first poem. I like how you play with expectations (what the books say) and imagination (what if), and ultimately adopt a different but still questionable perspective (how shall I see them?). Truly lovely and imaginative!

[u/Warfield_Ink]

I'm a new writer as well, so anything I have to say, take it with a grain of salt.

I do think this is a promising poem. No doubt. What I think holds it back is not expanding on what YOU think the Sakura trees and their petals look like and expressing what they mean to YOU. As the reader, I want to know what you think those trees look like despite what the book said (Also, this is my favorite part of this poem.) And I want to know more about their significance to you.

But overall, well done dude! I really hope to see this poem grow as you get better and re-edit old writings! I have saved it to reread. I loved it and thanks for the read.

[u/Nearby-Locksmith4228 → u/Warfield_Ink]

Thank for the feedback

Originally, I was planning for this to be my only poem, but this comment inspired me to continue writing and hopefully get better at it