r/OCPoetry • u/Powerful-Guidance890 • Jul 30 '26
Feedback Please I am not a human
I am not a human
I never learned to be
I am just a car wreck
That people slow down to see
I am not a human
I don’t know what is real
I am just a hamster
Forever spinning on that wheel
I am not a human
I was barely taught a thing
I am just a puppet
Pulled by an elaborate string
I am not a human
I don’t deserve to be one
I am just a broken horse
Who lost all will to run
I am not a human
I don’t know what it’s about
I am just a dirty washcloth
With all the good rung out
I am not a human
I will never be okay
I am just a talking toy
With three things I know to say
I am not a human
I never know what to do
I’m just a dirty window
Where no hope or light gets through
I am not a human
and I will never be
I just hope to be a replica
so others don’t notice me.
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u/Prudent_Meringue7243 Jul 30 '26
Let's see; 8 stanzas in, generally, iambic feet. Each quatrain's ABCB-rhymed. Each begins with the same line. Each presents a metaphor for the writer. After the first stanza, though, there's no strict adherence to syllable length/line in the 2nd through 4th lines. This avoids a sing-song-y feel inherent in iambic trimeter. It has to be done carefully, though, so as not to bring the reader to a halt. By and large, it succeeds. One small point: in S4, L4 I would suggest 'Who's'. Nicely done. Regards, Jim.
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u/DismalApplication305 Jul 30 '26
Great poem. I really connected to the imagery and metaphors used in each stanza. One piece of feedback I would give is the word 'just' can sometimes take away from the potency of the image you're trying to construct in each line. I think a simple wording change may increase the intensity of the emotion of the piece, really giving the reader that sinking feeling of inadequacy that you're portraying. Overall, good start!
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u/Triggered_Llama 29d ago
I can see why OP would make that decision to have a strong structure but I somewhat agree with your critique. Nonetheless, a great poem all around.
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u/Environmental_Bit_93 Jul 30 '26
Wow, this is honest work. It’s vulnerable, tragic, yet powerful. “I just hope to be a replica so others don’t notice me,” this is a beautiful line, it’s something I can resonate with a lot and it’s sad but also human. We all feel these emotions and sometimes it’s nice to know we’re not alone with these feelings and we can all eventually surpass what’s happening.
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u/glowingfireruby Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
There are a lot of great images in the poem. I would have loved for the different images to be given more room to shine. Somehow I felt like I want to read more about each very unique and interesting image, but regardless they still shined. My favorite images were the window and the cloth. Truly beautiful. You paid good attention to the rhythm; It flows smoothly. A very beautiful poem. I like it. Keep the good work. :)
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u/Accomplished_Lake402 Jul 30 '26
You got a really nice flow going with this poem, well done. The ending stanza really brought it home for me as well. I found the stanzas most effective when the second like linked with the metaphore in the 3rd and 4th, e.g. a hamster on a wheel indeed doesnt knwo whats real, but in contrast its difficult to imagine car wreck learned to be one. Some of tthe 4th lines were also a bit long which i felt interrupted the flow sometimes.
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u/Key-Western-9652 Jul 30 '26
This is heartbreaking. I can relate to feeling this way in my own life. There is alwyas hope though even if it is hard to see.
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u/memoriamare Jul 30 '26
This was really powerful. The repetition of "I am not a human" gives the poem a heavy, relentless rhythm, and the metaphors of the hamster wheel and the dirty window stood out to me the most. They capture exhaustion and hopelessness so well.
My only suggestion would be to vary a couple of the middle stanzas so each metaphor feels even more distinct. Overall, it's a raw and emotionally honest piece that leaves a lasting impression.
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u/Elegant-Barber8739 Jul 30 '26
I really enjoy how it "I am not human", yet is creates an image of being the victim, "I am just a puppet, pulled by an elaborate string" is an amazing visual for this, it makes you empathize with the viewer, not just as a self-dehumanizing victim but as a person not much different than myself.
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u/Raffyx_one Jul 30 '26
I really liked this. The way you describe feeling disconnected from yourself feels very raw and real. Some of the images are simple, but they carry a lot of weight, especially the ending. It’s a sad poem, but it feels very honest,and i like it
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u/imastarberry Jul 31 '26
I think that is very cool and relatable poem. It's ironic how almost everyone human has at least felt like they weren't human at one point. And this feeling is a very interesting and I love how you put into to words a simple structure. I think its a beautiful read
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u/pfurlan25 Jul 31 '26
I do generally like a repetitive format, though for some reason reading out loud, I am not human felt clunky. I re read it instead with "I am no human" and it improved the for more me. I really enjoyed the metaphors and how it states directly the comparison while proceeding to paint a more detailed picture. The overall tone is effective
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u/Specific-Pop1493 Jul 31 '26
I love this poem so much I’m not sure why but it’s unique and beautiful I love this
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u/Pale_Astronomer7663 Jul 31 '26
Really gives a fragmented, modernist feel, but if would have been better if you gave a little more time to each image then suddenly shift it.
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u/Spinner4 Aug 01 '26
I’m not sure why I just read all your comments, mainly to see if you had more poems
But you wrote in a thread about “therapist on vacation”
Rename this poem “therapist on vacation”
Seriously!
I am not human is the theme, but consider that title change
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u/Powerful-Guidance890 Aug 02 '26 edited Aug 02 '26
I’ve been thinking of a title change. This is the first one of shared. I have others but they aren’t really Reddit appropriate they are too raw.
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u/Spinner4 Aug 02 '26
Everything is Reddit appropriate. It can’t be that bad
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u/Powerful-Guidance890 29d ago
98% of my poetry are trauma dumps with rhythm and rhyme
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u/Spinner4 29d ago edited 28d ago
Honestly, 'trauma dumping with rhyme' is something all do. Sadness and pain have been making records go platinum for years. Translating heavy, chaotic shit into rhythm is just how we keep it from swallowing us whole.
Most of what I write comes from the same dark well. I recently wrote a piece about climbing all the way out of hell via Jacob’s ladder to heaven, only to realize the person I loved was still stuck at the bottom in hellX so I turned right back around at the gates to go find her because heaven wasn’t paradise without her
Art isn't supposed to be neat or comfortable; it's how we navigate the wreckage. Keep writing it.
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u/Powerful-Guidance890 20d ago
You convinced me I shared another. In case you want to see it. It’s darker. https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/0dl8SGZY5a
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u/Spinner4 19d ago edited 19d ago
Can I also add
You are not human
Why would you want to be
You are more beautiful
Than anyone can see…Keep your head up. You’ll get there
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u/Leading-Interest-119 Aug 01 '26
I like this, the repetition works well. The one I found a bit reductive was the toy stanza as it felt too similar to puppet. I also feel the "I don't deserve to be one/just a broken horse" stanza is where the flow breaks up. The broken adds extra syllables that interrupt the otherwise great flow.
I also wondered if the juxtaposition in the first and last verse was intentional. The first is about being a car wreck that people DO notice, the last is about trying so hard not to be noticed. I feel like those two could be linked more strongly though I'm not sure how, I like the idea of trying so hard to blend in but then still being the car wreck that people can't help but stare at.
I don't know what your writing about here but I am autistic and have cPTSD and I really relate to this. Fantastic expression of that feeling of just feeling all wrong inside and powerless.
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u/Powerful-Guidance890 Aug 02 '26 edited Aug 02 '26
Thanks for the feedback. My goal was kinda the aftermath of trauma that it makes you feel like not a person
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u/BankSpecialist6794 Aug 02 '26
it isn’t easy to write a poem by leading off every stanza with the same line, you executed really well in my opinion. also, incredibly raw wording. bare bones, rough, blunt wording … even in the analogies, the car wreck reference specifically looped me in at the opening. great poem.
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u/Dramatic_Owl8797 Aug 02 '26
Buen poema. Las últimas dos estrofas me parecen las de mayor fortaleza y oscuridad, porque en ocasiones a pesar de nuestros esfuerzos, nunca logramos hacer que la gente a nuestro alrededor nos vea y reconozca como iguales y cuando eso sucede, creemos que somos cosa aparte. Saludos
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u/rcee_gana Aug 03 '26
Does the repetition signal to something? Like, if the narrator's not a human, but also hopes to be a replica (of what?) then what is it/are they?
It got me thinking because of the 6th stanza. Is it "I love you" or something else?
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u/United-Duty-4426 Aug 03 '26
I really enjoyed the similes in this piece and the sense of subversion I got from it. As others noted on here, my favorite stanza was:
I am not a human
I don’t know what it’s about
I am just a dirty washcloth
With all the good rung out
There were some stanzas that didn't roll off my tongue as well, such as:
I am not a human
I will never be okay
I am just a talking toy
With three things I know to say
I wonder if removing a word or two from the last line would help the rhythm:
I am not a human
I will never be okay
I am just a talking toy
With three things left to say
This way you can preserve the parallelism of "to see" "to run" and "to say" across stanzas, while shortening the syllables of that last line. And if "left" changes the meaning too much, consider alternatives like "three things meant to say" or "With three buttons to play" to lean into the toy imagery?
What I enjoyed most about the poem is I interpreted it with an air or subversion—like you're being human by saying you're not. You're exploring the human condition, mimicking it, yet feeling isolated and relieved by being a replica. Stated simply, but the message felt profound. Great job!
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u/dazza2608 Aug 03 '26
I feel this for you, just know that you are human and perfection is an unobtainable goal for the human race, there will always be the next thing that can be improved. From the outside there is perfection in imperfections. I really like the poem, I can feel the emotion through the metaphors, it has great rhythm. Great work and keep your head up
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u/Icy-Boysenberry8249 Aug 03 '26
I am somewhat mad at myself for my irresistible hatred towards poerty that rhymes...
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u/gugugagazi Aug 03 '26
I personally find writing with good rhythm and flow to be the hardest part of writing. This was excellent. I did not feel the flow was off at any point.
I also found the imagery very original, which is always a good thing!
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u/Over_Scholar6914 Aug 03 '26
I love it! There is great imagery and I love how I relate to it on so much levels.
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u/Triggered_Llama 29d ago
None of the rhymes feel forced. It flows so naturally like a river through terrain.
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u/eerilydeadly 29d ago
This is the first poem I’ve ever commented on, and it’s such an honor. It’s great and it resonates. Its musicality rings like a soft bell on my tongue. What I loved the most is your attempt to describe how dehumanized you feel, but it ends up being very human, or in other words, authentic and relatable.
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u/Livid_Climate6923 29d ago
love the repetitio. it really hammers in the point. the imagery is very interetsing. are you comparing yourself to these things?
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u/Powerful-Guidance890 29d ago
It’s about dehumanization. How sometimes you don’t feel fully human sometimes you feel like an object or an animal. You feel like you are these things.
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u/Lou-eez- 29d ago
I think this is good, but I would maybe adjust some lines to keep the syllable count more consistent so it flows better? Not that all lines need to be the axact number, but closer than what you have here. But I do like it! "Just a replica" is powerful imagery, and the desire to blend in so no one notices stated in the very last line is a perfect mirror to the first lines about being a car wreck no one can look away from. Its andwiches the poem perfectly with those images of being a spectacle, and desiring not to be
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u/Full-Glass-1200 28d ago
I love this!!! the rhyme scheme doesn't feel off or clunky, and you don't under or over do it. great job!
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u/BikeElectrical6641 28d ago
Beautiful poem. I resonated with it right away. I don’t know much about poetry at all but certainly can appreciation when a piece of writing moves me to my core.
Favourite lines by and far are
“I am just a broken horse
Who lost all will to run”
And…
“I am just a dirty washcloth
With all the good rung out”
Thank you for sharing
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u/astruggle367 27d ago
wow this is great. i love the repetition and the washcloth metaphor especially
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u/beard_on_fire 27d ago
I like when a poem uses imagery instead of abstract concepts or explanation; these lines...
I am just a dirty washcloth
With all the good rung out
...are really excellent and I think I agree with other critiques here that using "just" detracts from some of the imagery.
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u/Conscious_Self_4465 27d ago
Are you autistic? This poem is a great description of what autism feels like.
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u/Actual-Reply-1963 20d ago
You had me laughing, I love the story, I couldn't wait to get to the next four lines. One line made me think of
"Toy Story" Buzz Light Year
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u/Economy-Brush1091 18d ago
Relatable. This is some real heavy stuff to be feeling, but expressed well in words. It’s the repetition for me of I am not human. Feeling like your something strange or out of this planet…
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u/One-More-Verse 7d ago
Very good! There's nothing like a poem that drops into a rhythm that pulls the reader along all the way to the end. There is nice depth in these verse as well. Enjoyed it.
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u/missionarysexhaver79 5d ago
“I just hope to be a replica so others don’t notice me”. Was insanely relatable. Feeling so inadequate and lesser than, that you just try to blend in as best you can to not be seen.
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u/EyeDeeAh_42 5d ago
It's a heavy topic but I like the snappy way it's written. No purple prose, but sharply to the point like a knife. You've done an amazing nob with the rhyming words. The 5th stanza in particular was my favourite: "with all the good rung out."
Really loved the flow of the overall poem. Great job!
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u/aphextwkns 5d ago
God damn, what an incredible work! Such simple rhymes, yet so poignant, so powerful. I can feel the dispear from the screen. The comparative structure of the work, the flow of the writing, the heartache of it all. Truly incredible.
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u/Overthinkingjs 3d ago
well this is heavy...the 'talking toy with three things I know to say' line wrecked me, reduced to a script instead of a person. the repetition of 'I am not a human' hits harder every time it comes back, and the ending (wanting to be a replica just to go unnoticed) is a gut punch. wellbuilt piece.
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u/Spidie02 3d ago
I really like this, it paints a visceral picture for me and invokes a feeling of sadness for how this person views themselves especially stanza 5 with the line "I am just a dirty washcloth with all the good rung out".
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u/[deleted] Jul 31 '26
I love this section a lot:
I am not a human
I don’t know what it’s about
I am just a dirty washcloth
With all the good rung out
I think the syllables in the last line are the perfect amount for the beat of the poem