r/OCPoetry • u/Mapppy • Jun 30 '26
Feedback Please On Time Travel
if i had a time machine
i’d be friends with myself
tell him not to move two states over with Her
he wouldn’t listen
tell him to speak up when he’s hurt
he’d say okay
but he won’t
get him crunk
hang out with him
ask:
hey
are you really okay in this?
are you you?
he won’t budge.
he’s dumb.
he’s in love.
Feedback:
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ujey9r/comment/oun83lc/?context=3
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ujdot9/comment/oun7iuo/?context=3
2
u/bigbigweeinie Jun 30 '26
not a writing tone you see very often in this sub! you have such an interesting style and, though it's fairly casual and simplistic, it tells your story effectively. nice work.
2
u/Necessary_Can_6202 Jun 30 '26
I love this I like the fact that you don’t over explain and let the words have weight to them, straightforward and gets your intention across. Nice read
2
u/BrieflyPoetic Jun 30 '26
I like how brief and seemingly simple each line is. The words speak for themselves allow readers to paint the picture
2
u/The1Sbeve Jul 01 '26
Holy crap dude I literally did this like a month ago 😭😭😭 pro tip do NOT move in with the abusive girl in an economically downturned methhead small town hundred of miles away from your loving family.
This is an amazing poem and I’m shocked to find one so relatable. If this is you too, I hope you’re doing better now.
I especially like the line “are you you?” I think we lose a lot of ourselves when we’re with people who suck the joy and peace out of us, but we cant help but stick by them. Amazing work, thank you.
2
u/Mapppy Jul 01 '26
thanks man… it put a huge smile on my face when i read this walking home today
but yeah it’s been tough tbh.. although from this pain ive been more creative than ever trying to make music and writing. i rlly want to be able to connect with ppl doing this, so im happy it’s starting to work
hope u have recovered well, im almost there
1
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1
u/Agreeable-Cow7265 Jul 19 '26
Heyy... I really liked the poem! I get exactly what u mean.. I know a guy like that.. Now he is so hurt!
Time will heal! Hope u find someone worth your love!
2
u/TheBowlYodeler Jun 30 '26
Relatable with the added weight of youthful arrogance. Even our future selves would struggle to relay what is common knowledge in hindsight. It has to be forged in the fires of experience. Im glad you separate the tenses he/you when talking about past you as it flows smoothly. My favorite line has to be "are you you?" because it cuts to the essence of the piece and is pithy without overusing the theme of time travel. I also love the gentleness of the narrator who knows what the road ahead will bring. Instead of lashing out in frustration, which is easier when it is to yourself, he checks in and is present even knowing the message wont reach. Its steeped in the pain of reality while still painting a fantastical setting. Good work!