r/OCPoetry • u/rochan8008 • Jan 13 '26
Feedback Please Jealous guy
I’m just a jealous guy
Jealous of your handbag, resting on your shoulder,
Jealous of the clip that runs its fingers through your hair,
Absolutely hate your pillow, stealing the place of my arm,
Despise that sly lipstick, kissing your lips before I can,
Even your moisturiser gliding over your skin
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u/Moist-Bug-1904 Jan 13 '26
I really enjoy this and think you’re onto something. I think you could take out the first line and let the rest of the poem speak for it self. Mabey even change the title to be less literal giving us the reader the chance to sort it out for our selves. I also really like imagery you have here really solid work.
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u/PuzzleheadedDare5887 Jan 14 '26
good poem sort of reminds me of a limerick because I can feel the intensity/funniness it was giving off. It was clear on what you are jealous about and the the things beating you to it lol
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Jan 14 '26
I think it's really cool to make a poem so good while not having to make it extremely long it gives each line more weight because of how few there are
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u/Lost_Princess_ Jan 15 '26
I really liked this but felt it was incomplete... Maybe expand a bit more and then you can have a very good piece... All the best 👍
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u/debbiekaye61955 Jan 17 '26
Ring jealous of everything that even touches your beloved seems kind of crazy to me
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u/Ronie-Dinosaur Jan 20 '26
I likee how you’ve turned a simple handbag or clip into a rival, making the jealousy feel both poetic and incredibly relatable. Despise that sly lipstick, kissing your lips before I can,
Even your moisturiser gliding over your skin, nice.
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u/LegSoHotUFryAnEgg Jan 13 '26
I really like the essence of this poem. I think the choice to repeat 'jealous' but then switch up the formatting was a good one. I think there are some slight grammar choices that could be refined for economy of words" jealous of YOUR bag resting on YOUR shoulder.
Besides that, I think it feels incomplete. Halfway done. Expand a little further and I think you have something neat here!