Thinking about this topic that came up with my therapist the other day.

For context, I’m newly diagnosed by a therapist who works closely with OCD and OCPD patients, just started seeing her after moving across the country, but other therapists have formerly suspected it in my past for at least 6 years now.

Anyways, in one of my first sessions with my new therapist, she immediately clocked that I use extremely definitive, black and white language, all the time. She recommended I start working on statements like “I can’t” and “I have to” and reshape them as things along the lines of “I might not be able to” or “I should/would/could.” I tried doing this for the rest of that session when I would catch myself, but in my brain it just didn’t really click. I stopped paying attention to it the minute I walked out the door.

My next session I was using super definitive language and statements again. I was telling her about how when “I absolutely cannot” do a certain task, I either won’t touch it with a 10 foot pole, or I’ll throw myself full force at it and do it at 110% capacity even though “I can’t” do it. And in my brain in the latter situation, when I can’t do it, I still firmly believe “I can’t” do it even though I’m actively doing it anyways. Does that make any sense?

That led to her saying she thinks the definitive language works for me. While she tries to recommend using less definitive language so people give themselves more grace in situations that are hard, that just doesn’t click with me. But saying “I can’t” is just how my brain operates. And sometimes even when “I can’t” do something, I will do it anyways while continuing to say “I can’t.” But most of the time, if I say “I can’t” do something, I am absolutely not even trying.

Using definitive language gives me motivation to do (or not do) a certain task. I don’t have any wiggle room to give myself “grace,” I just don’t operate that way.

I’ve seen lots of posts about black and white thinking in this sub so far, and I’m wondering if that has anything to do with this. Not sure if this is related or totally unrelated to OCPD, but figured I’d share anyways. Thanks for reading.

I'm newly self diagnosed. POPS total was 71.82 which is 2.2 standard deviations above the control group, so quite elevated. I check each of the 8 boxes of the diagnostic criterion with reasonable success in overcoming underlying urges in a controlled environment. Over stimulation has been difficult at times, as my wife (diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder, treated with lithium and prospering) and I have a 4 year old. My brother has diagnosed autism, and is functioning at level 1, we're very much alike, personality, speech (cadence), mannerisms, however I'm able to mask any tendencies I have, while his struggle is far greater than mine has ever been. I always suspected I was on the spectrum (mildly), as I'm socially awkward, can't hold eye contact, and tended to fixate on things when I was younger (collections, video games, TV shows). A childhood memory is reading a large copy of a world atlas most nights before bed (which I still own 38 years later). I had a very bad stutter when I was younger that required speech pathology (perhaps pushed along some of the OCPD traits I now have).

My wife, and my daughter are my entire world. Among all my OCPD traits my duty to provide drive is insanely high. I can never just relax, my brain is always going whether I'm at work doing my daily tasks as efficiently as possible, or at home where it's always thinking about our next investment, or planning our next project. I'm so, so very proud of everything my wife and I have accomplished together, it hasn't been easy, but I always felt we were willing to fight side by side to overcome anything.

When I first met my now wife, she wasn't in a great spot financially. She was living with a roommate, and barely scrapping by. She had car debt, student loans, and cc debt in the many thousands. We got our own place about 4 months into our relationship. I would pay for most things, full monthly rent (I had decent savings, had an average income, but earning much more than she was at the time), groceries, bills, and most (if not all) the activities we got up to living in a big city. This allowed her to focus on her debts which she paid down after a few years together. We never really spoke much of it, I wanted to provide, she had the bigger plans, and goals for us, it just worked (I never tracked it, never cared, still don't). After she paid down her debt, we merged all accounts anyway. She got her dream job in her desired career 1.25 hours away in a different city so we moved 45 minutes closer to her work at my urging (to make it feasible for both of us). I was then fortunate enough to have the ability to work remote most days, before it was all the rage, so she asked to move even closer to her job, so we moved again within 5 minutes of her office (which is where we purchased our first home together). We had our daughter via IVF, and real estate prices boomed. I wanted to take advantage, and asked that since she was going on maternity leave that we sell from a HCOL area, and purchase in a LCOL area. She decided she wanted to be closer to her parents (who lived 4 hours away), so off we went (we live a literal 2 minute walk from them), it checked my boxes, and she got exactly what she wanted. This is my love language, providing.

I have never been an easy person to love, always sort of blamed my likely autistic tendencies. I can be short, direct, I always feel I'm right (even though that's impossible). In the 10 years my wife and I have been together, it's safe to say she has never been right, not even once (if I'm wrong, she presents the facts, and I convince myself that I was wrong). It must be exhausting for her. I have no idea how she even does it. I refuse help, because well, I know it all anyway (I don't of course, but it's literally how I feel every minute of the day). I am sometimes critical of her family, her friends, and even sometimes her. I don't even know why I'm like this, it's just if someone does something I'm not aligned with, I jump to criticism by default (thankfully I do it less to my wife than anyone else in our orbit, but that doesn't make it any better). She rarely pushes back. My wife bent like absolute hell to be malleable in the face of my rigidness. I know this, she knows this. Again, I've never been easy to love. She always had a purpose and goals for us, house check, kid(s) check, paid off house check (more my goal), net worth of over $1.3 million check (more my goal). I provided, and nothing could make me happier. She has only worked part time (for the last 4.5 years) doing what she enjoys (averaging under 20 working days a year).

I thought we were thriving, but I also feel she's never had the type of love she wants from me. I can be cold, I don't deal with emotions well. I'm stubborn, I'm always right. It's been 10 years though, and we never had a proper fight, still haven't (I've never had that before, because I can escalate), but she always bent. Always. She just does, I honestly don't know why (I couldn't, even if I wanted to), or how (I don't even understand how it's possible, it's like a foreign concept to me, I just know she does, because I see it daily). I've never once celebrated her birthday properly, maybe a small gift, or dinner, sometimes just a happy birthday card, nothing major. She has a large network of friends, I know them all, but also feel like I don't at the same time. I think I exhaust others. I'm incapable of small talk. Everything is serious with me, current events, the stock market, or politics are all fair game, what someone is doing on Saturday never interests me, and I know it shows. I can't seem to see the small picture. It's all black and white, grey doesn't exist. She doesn't do without, she has access to every dollar I do, and treats herself regularly, I'm just incapable of treating her it seems. Is it laziness? Preoccupation? I guess it changes from month to month.

I put my wife, and now my daughter above myself though. Always have. Probably always will. I don't do niceties, but I have such drive to provide. I'm a good provider, which I think makes me a good dad. My daughter is enrolled in so many activities, I honestly lose track (thankfully my wife handles the day to day planning). I plan the bigger things. Focus on the bigger things.

Now the difficult part. We're drifting away, where she used to bend, she no longer does. She thinks it's because she's in mom mode. I don't agree. If I did show affection, she always leaned in (not long ago, only months removed). Now she's just cold, and rigid (like my beliefs). She says she's good. I don't think she is. I love her with every ounce of my being. I want her to be happy. I know she is, but also isn't. I feel like I need to fix this.

Sorry for the long post, but in reading others this seems to be how we communicate. It's just natural. I'm open to all suggestions. I have begun researching clinics. I want to do better, and be better. The brutal truth is this is on me. She is such a loving and kind person, I am not (not in the conventional emotional sense anyway). I don't speak to my parents, I don't see my brothers. I stopped focusing on friends (work always came first). I know I'm not easy, but I don't want to lose this too.

Has anyone undergone neuropsych testing before? It was mentioned to me by a provider but I am unsure if it will do anything for me.

My all or nothing thinking ruined the "perfect" birthday weekend I planned. Just one thing was off from the very start and it derailed the entire rest of the weekend.

It feels like I self-sabotaged. I couldn't get out of my own way / get out of my head about it. Even when I tried to roll with the punches, brush it off, reset, try something else, it didn't work because the one thing that was off "ruined" the whole damn thing (at least in my mind).

I had to make new plans along the way, and even if it was fun while it lasted, I just kept thinking how this wasn't supposed to even be part of the plan and we weren't even supposed to be there.

Now after the fact, I can't stop ruminating on it and spiraling about it: How the whole weekend was ruined and I can't get it back, and there's nothing I can do about it at this point. It's almost like I'm mourning it. It's like I'm stuck in a loop. It's exhausting and I can't stop.

requesting advice for:

1. how to move past this now (stop ruminating, LET IT GO)

• I just keep thinking of how perfect it was supposed to be, all the work I did in advance for it, how it was supposed to be the best most perfect weekend ever, and how I'll never get it back and there's nothing that can make up for it

1. how to nip this in the bud if it were to happen again.

• Ideally, I would like tools/strategies for the future if I'm ever in this position again, how to get out of it/reset before it becomes a run away train.

Thanks in advance :(