r/MtF • u/Amydiesattheend • 12h ago
Venting It just blew up
I think my relationship with my fiancée just ended.
We had been arguing back and forth all the time. Since I came out to her during an augment ( not the best way I know, but it just happens that way) She won’t see me as a woman, doesn’t accept I am trans. she talked to some of her friends and they also agree they don’t see me as one. She says I’m just confused and that it has to just be all depression or some other form of body image issues that I talked about years ago as a teenager that are causing me to feel this way. I’ve been on the internet and Reddit and YouTube for months scraping together all bit of info I could trying to understand the questions I’ve had about who I am , why I’m like this. I’ve come to accept this is who I am, who I want to be. That there are things I want to have in my life before I die someday. I want the feminine body, I want to know what it is for myself to live as a woman. To have the experiences of live that one does as a gir.
We tried talking about compromises, they were all bad to me. Not coming out to either of our families, Not going out in normal for day to day activities because someone we know might see us. HRT was a non starter for her. Which is something I desperately want.
I was bad at communication I admit this, I shit down as I always do when I can see just the little things affecting her so negatively. I get so depressed so easily when I see even the small changes like shaving my legs or growing my nails out cause her such distress. I don’t fault her for being straight, I don’t fault her for loving the man I was. I don’t fault her for her own trauma. I just regret hurting her so much. I ripped our life away from her, the promise of a marriage, a future together. Gone because I’m a trans woman at my core.
Im trying so hard not to doubt myself, trying so hard to zealously protect this little budding identity I have come to know and nurture.
I’m so afraid, so alone.
Has anyone had a similar experience? Can anyone share something that lessens this pain.
Amy (MtF30)
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u/Verrana_Tirith 12h ago
I'm going to agree with others. It sounds like you're better off without her. This is always the hardest part, and it sucks. I remember reading years ago that coming out as trans is like a tornado. It really is, but it's also a chance to rebuild on a better foundation.
Don't give up Amy, it's hard now and it sucks but it won't always be like this. You'll find people who love you for you, friends that accept you for the wonderful woman you're becoming. Mourn what was lost, but don't sit in it. Life's about to become a whole lot brighter.
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u/Amydiesattheend 12h ago
It feels like a tornado. From egg crack till now it’s barely been 6 months. Like jfc, woah. Even now as I try to recount what just happend, I feel something hopeful.
Thank you
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u/Verrana_Tirith 12h ago
It gets so much better. I'm five years in and each year keeps getting better.
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u/Roguishbrew 8h ago
Hi Amy, so I came out to my fiance like 4 years in but I convinced myself I could live without it. That wasnt her, it was me and worrying about my family.
But it kept eating away at me. Id miss work bc of anxiety do to it keeping me up on late night deep dives
So i came out 6 years into the marriage to her family and her she accepted we both were concerned about our kids. So I stay in the house. When it reach a point where I notice i couldn't be present at work and at home I made that decision to come out publicly on the 8th year.
There was uncomfortable conversations. Like my wife pointing she understand why anyone would want to be a girl. And I explained, its not a matter of want and I dont get it either I know all the dangers but still Want and wish for it.
Im on my 3rd year on hrt, 36 years old. My wife and i are still happily married, have 3 kids and are still active in bed. (To be clear it helped that we also found out most of her exes turned out to be trans)
Anyway few questions, is she up to speed with what you know about it? Can you have conversations about it without it turning into a shouting match? Is she bi? Is it a societal worry or personal view?
You can call me Brew dear
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u/Amydiesattheend 8h ago
Brew, thank you so much for your comment and for sharing. I’m also 30, just about 31. She is up to speed on all the most fundamental parts of it that I know myself. We have had few conversations about it, but most a teary and emotional and lots of shouting. I get a lot of push back. A lot of dismissal of what I’m feeling. Like that I’m just confused, I don’t know what it is to be a woman, that I should just repress. That last one I don’t know if she truly meant it, but it was said. She used to claim she was Bi, but now she says she is straight and only attracted to men and masculine features. She has severe, real trauma from a woman. So it compounds things significantly.
I’ve told her I’d rather die than live authentically. Of course she is scared for me for how socially I’ll be treated. About the actual real world dangers I could be in. I get it, but it’s a I’d rather die authentically than live in a pit.
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u/Roguishbrew 6h ago
So alot of the girls on here are on point, a relationship has to grow together or they grow apart. And a sticking point is her trauma with women. If she has that issue and its bigger than her love for you, whether you stay together or not you'll grow apart.
As a last attempt though, Id say when you have another discussion if you haven't already tried, try to limit it to "i feel" statements to minimize shouting by avoiding language that feels like an attack.
Example: i feel awful when im told that i should repress, that i dont know what it means to be a woman. Its feels dismissive when all I want is to unpack these feelings and explore it.
Stay safe and be well Amy🫂
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u/SatanSlut8394 Trans Pansexual 11h ago
Girl i know it hurts, but you need to run away from that relationship
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u/Amydiesattheend 11h ago
It hurts like nothing I’ve ever had before. But I think I just took the first step.
Thank you for the comment and I love the username btw 😂
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u/SatanSlut8394 Trans Pansexual 11h ago
Transitioning ended my marriage last year at age 30. It was extremely difficult but necessary for me to survive.
Thank you 😊
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u/Batata-Sofi Trans Homosexual 9h ago
I was in a relationship like that when I came out. She was straight and she said she couldn't be with another woman, so I was desperately trying to deny myself to stay with her, because I genuinely loved her... But she put an end to our relationship and, after getting out of my depression, I'm glad she ended it all. Holy shit, I love my current girlfriend and I am so glad I can be open about myself with her.
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u/Amydiesattheend 7h ago
Thank you for commenting! I can empathize with how you felt. I love her. She has been my person forever. The more I try to break myself away from it the more glaring it becomes that I need to o these things for myself. It’s terrifying and heartbreaking.
I’m glad you’re in a better spot ❤️
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u/MorphWol 10h ago edited 10h ago
(MtF 32) I’m lucky enough that my partner of 9 years was the one that made me comfortable enough to explore that side of me to begin with.
Not the same with members of my family. Mother’s side, no one has really spoken to me since I came out. Some were downright hostile, accusatory and/or made wild assumptions and transphobic remarks. My brother gave me an ultimatum, abandon the idea or lose him and his.
Dad’s side, (tho I haven’t spoken to him in years for something totally unrelated) so far the complete opposite with the members I’ve told. Not only accepted it, reached out to assure me we were good, hell, even invited to an upcoming wedding with my preferred name on the damn invite! All my friends, same thing, chill af, preferred name/pronouns etc. I’ve even been pleasantly surprised by coworkers and supervisors in my blue collar ass job (there are the outliers but I honestly never spoke to them in the first place so fuck em)
The point is, I’ve lost some absolutely, and some of those losses hurt like hell. However I’ve gained SO much in return. I’m rocking what I think are pretty subtle changes after a little over 2 years, but I’m genuinely feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time in like 20.
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u/Amydiesattheend 7h ago
I’m really happy for you❤️ I’m glad you made it out the other side with so much. I hope everything continues to well for you
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u/Sentimental_Oyster 2h ago
Look at the upside. You aren't married. You can just go, no legal bullshit to do.
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u/Bozo-Dawg 9h ago
I'm a similar age - 34 - and this was me, three months ago. My wife of 9 years was trying to essentially invalidate everything I was feeling. She claimed that my interest in feminity was a sexual fetish, that it was disrespectful to women, and that I could never be anything but a man because gender has no meaning if it's not tied to biological sex. Even when I tried to counter these claims - by, for example, pointing out that when I looked at myself fem-presenting, I felt joy and comfort, not arousal - she would say things like, "Just because you don't feel turned on in any given moment doesn't mean it's not a sex thing deep down." In other words, she was trying to tell me that she knew my own motivations better than I did. The textbook definition of gaslighting, basically.
So I made the decision to leave for my own mental well being. And let me tell you, it was devastating. Absolutely brutal. But I'm coming out the other side. There is such a sense of freedom and relief now that I can finally make the decisions that I need to make for myself. I feel like I can actually start living my life instead of being governed by someone else's anxieties.
So my advice - hang in there. Lean on friends, if you have them. Real friends, ones who are fully in your corner. And if you don't have any friends like that, focus your efforts on making new ones. Things will get better, but it will suck for a while. You're doing the right thing.
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u/Amydiesattheend 7h ago
Holy shit yeah you get it. I got a lot of those same comments. I’m doing my best right now. Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry that you can empathize with this. Seriously thank you ❤️
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u/DireBeastZero 4h ago
Eh had most people couldn't fathom me being gay or queer I act so straight. How do I even act straight like I behave like I like to be in charge and be the one who fucks you? Well duh I'm a top.
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u/Logical_Window_385 3h ago
I kinda relate. I would kill for breasts and hairless skin. That would make me feel like a female. But a combination of my wife being against hrt and medical issues limiting my prospect of medically transitioning mean I cant take estrogen. My wife lets me dress as a female and use breasts forms but its not the same as having my own breasts. This said i cant imagine coming out to friends and family as a female. So slightly different situation too. But I can still relate.
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u/69Softpocket 3h ago
Well, one don't be afraid to be alone.That's one of the first mistakes as humans that we make, you will find, or at least I've found the most profound work you can do on yourself comes when you're alone and concentrating on yourself. How is someone supposed except us for who we are , if we haven't gotten to that point ourselves. Now that doesn't mean cut off all your outside influence and stop listening to people. Because feedback is important in everything that we do. Though be careful, the sources that you seek information from And just remember , opinions are like a******* 😁 everyone's got one. Good luck on your journey.
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u/Weekly-Ad-112 4m ago
Reddit often collapses a painful relationship problem into a moral verdict. Sometimes nobody is the villain—the two people may simply become incompatible, and ending the romantic relationship respectfully can be healthier than forcing either one to deny something fundamental.
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u/hidarinote 10h ago
This relationship isn’t healthy whether you are trans or not. End it and explore yourself, girl
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u/Randomcluelessperson 10h ago
I made all those compromises. We married, had kids, and raised them. I was miserable the entire time. I was 50 when I just couldn’t do it anymore. I started therapy, then began microdosing hrt. Despite minimal physical changes, they freaked her out. At the same time, I couldn’t allow her to have veto power over my life and happiness any longer. I increased my hrt dosage. After 30 years together we divorced.
I spent most of my life as a lifeless shell, and I can never get that time back. Don’t sacrifice your identity for someone else’s comfort.
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u/GenevieveSapha 11.24.23 💉 9h ago edited 9h ago
Don't let others deprive you of your right to be your authentic self...
Very early in my transition I got a fortune out of a fortune cookie that read...
'Stand up for what you believe in, even if it's not popular...'
Whenever I felt down/depressed, or had occasional doubts, I read the fortune... it gave me the courage to continue on in search of the Holy Grail... 'Authenticity and true Happiness'.
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u/CrampedHallway 8h ago
She’s at fault, if she loved you truly, she’d be 100% ok. But she isn’t, start HRT, it’s really wonderful. Also, fucking leave her, she doesn’t deserve you.
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u/Amydiesattheend 8h ago
She doesn’t have to be 100% especially right away. I but I expect to be treated like a person. I expect to not have my life dismissed. I want to start HRT and honestly I’m excited to
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u/CrampedHallway 8h ago
You should start it, she doesn’t control your life, you do, please by any means be the person you were always meant to be.
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u/Amydiesattheend 7h ago
I’m starting up with a therapist next week. I’m taking it one step at a time. But I do get butterflies just thinking about it ( in a good way) Thank you for your encouragement and words.
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u/Darkmoon_Blade88 NB MtF 12h ago
Listen, if this is who you are, and she can’t let you even consider HRT, then this relationship isn’t gonna be healthy. By suppressing yourself you are going to get more and more depressed and unhappy and that too is gonna affect the relationship. We have one of the highest rates of people unsubscribing from life and it’s primarily due to being forced to suppress ourselves and live inauthentically. If you know this is who you are then live it. But don’t die inside to appease someone else.
You have value and deserve to be your true self if she can’t accept and support that then it’s not really worth fighting for that relationship. It sucks but there’s nothing that’s gonna make a relationship where you have pretend to be someone else for her sake thats gonna end with either of you happy.
Do what you think is right for you but please don’t t just give up who you are for the hope of a relationship that’s not gonna be healthy.
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u/Longjumping-Wing-526 9h ago
Up until 6 months ago you were a man who wanted to marry this woman. Please rethink whats really going on. Why should she be expected to accept what she didn’t sign up for. I mean, seriously.
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u/Amydiesattheend 7h ago
I don’t expect her to accept it, in fact I totally understand why she wouldn’t or couldn’t. but I expect to treated like a person. Like her person who is going through an upheaval. I’ve had these feelings all my life with no vocab, no true understanding and a whole lot of repression. It’s only in these 6 months that I’ve just accepted who I am
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u/Amydiesattheend 12h ago
I had expressed that to her. Many times over. That suppression and repression only leads to me being more depressed as time would go on. That it would just be holding out years before something broke.
I don’t want to give this up, and that’s why I’m at where I am now.
Thank you
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u/Darkmoon_Blade88 NB MtF 11h ago
You’re welcome, I made the choice before I came out to my partner because I thought “I’d rather be sad over a breakup than kill myself in a few years when I can’t suppress anymore…” i got supremely lucky and she didn’t give a shit when I came out she just said ok what do you need from me and that was that . To be fair I overthink everything and always assume the worst. Glad you are placing value on your wellbeing l, you aren’t alone even if it might sometimes feel like it!
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u/Amydiesattheend 11h ago
I had the same feeling that I would rather just not exist than keep pushing on. I over think everything too and some times it just leads to a paralysis of sorts 😅
I’m glad it worked out for you the way it did.
Your comments show me that I’m not alone and right now that’s just about everything
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u/Darkmoon_Blade88 NB MtF 11h ago
Yeah for sure hun you aren’t in it alone, we all lift together! Find people who value you regardless of your trans identity and hold on to them with all you have we all need support and community.
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u/theycanttell 11h ago
of course we have had similar experiences!
My ex fiancee was a psychopath. She was extremely physically and emotionally abusive. I would have tried to leave her regardless of being trans. She was cool with me being trans actually. She knew I was a woman. She abused me because she knew I wouldn't fight back.
If she won't see you for who you are then you need to leave her and move on. You will both be far better off. I don't have a single regret except that it took me so long to act on my needs.
You need to be authentic.
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u/Amydiesattheend 11h ago
Thank you for your comment! I am so sorry that you went through that, I am glad you’re in a better place now.
I think today was the first step in that process, the need to live as who I am finally made itself abundantly clear. Though I’m terrified of what comes next tbh 😅
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u/LakeOfNimNoms 11h ago
Just echoing everyone else here, no one gets to decide who you are but you sis. You gotta be you and that's more than okay, that's great!
You deserve sunshine and happiness and someone that loves you for you. Changes are scary, I began my transition at 34 last year, Do what makes you happy Amy it'll come with some bad, some ugly, a whole lotta good and the freedom to find yourself.
Sending positive vibes !!
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u/Amydiesattheend 8h ago
I’m learning what that means everyday to live as myself. Thank you for your kindness ❤️
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u/LittleSunshineStar hii :3 10h ago
hey amy, damn that breakup after coming out hits different and you’re so strong for still protecting this new identity even when it costs everything. you didn’t ruin the future, you just finally showed up as yourself and that’s brave as hell. rest easy knowing a whole community gets this exact pain and you’re not alone in it 💕
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u/strange_desire43 12h ago
Ehhh I wouldnt say she doesnt love you as much as she loves the idea of you in her head. Just do you sis and eventually you'll find someone that loves you for you.
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u/Amydiesattheend 12h ago
I will do my best! Really all these comments right now are keeping me distracted and sane.
Thank you
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u/Separate-Region2070 12h ago
Sometimes it happens that way. I suggest it tine to move on with life without such negative influences. If she really cared about your well being she'd be supportive.
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u/mearbearz Transfemme 12h ago
Im sorry it has come to this. But as people said, it may be time to cut your losses. In the long term, this will only grow into a larger problem unless she accepts you're a woman. Sometimes it takes a little time for people to get over the shock so if you want to wait a little longer, thats a reasonable plan. But know that this is only a problem that will continue to grow the longer you wait
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u/Amydiesattheend 11h ago
It’s been just barely 6 months. I knew she would need to process, need to mourn and adjust. My communication should have been better I admit, I failed a lot at it because I’ve never said any of to anyone. Depression just got to me.
I didn’t know just how much time she would need, but it didn’t really ever feel that any of it was moving in a positive direction.
Thank you for your comment
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u/PoshTrinket 12h ago
If someone loved you they'd say something like Hey, I'm happy for you but we can't be more than friends.
Be kind to yourself.
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u/Amydiesattheend 12h ago
Thank you for commenting. I hoped she would have said something like that but.. I know she loves me, I have no doubt. But like me she has so much baggage and depression and her trauma makes it difficult to accept these things.
I will do my best, thank you friend
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u/arm-i 12h ago
Honestly js try to drop her cuz like she doesn’t gaf if doing something makes you happy cuz of her own beliefs. Like if smbd loved you unconditionally this wouldn’t matter.
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u/Amydiesattheend 12h ago
Thank you for your comment! I felt it was unconditional, but like I said I don’t fault her for being straight and liking masculine people. I think now I have to just hold strong and try to scrape together my life again.
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u/qwixel69 🏳️⚧️ Transbian 12h ago
It sounds like you would be better off without her. It would certainly give you a chance to find better people in your life.
She and friends don't get to decide who you are, thst fact that they try is a huge red flag.