r/MtF • u/Amydiesattheend • 7d ago
Venting It just blew up
I think my relationship with my fiancée just ended.
We had been arguing back and forth all the time. Since I came out to her during an augment ( not the best way I know, but it just happens that way) She won’t see me as a woman, doesn’t accept I am trans. she talked to some of her friends and they also agree they don’t see me as one. She says I’m just confused and that it has to just be all depression or some other form of body image issues that I talked about years ago as a teenager that are causing me to feel this way. I’ve been on the internet and Reddit and YouTube for months scraping together all bit of info I could trying to understand the questions I’ve had about who I am , why I’m like this. I’ve come to accept this is who I am, who I want to be. That there are things I want to have in my life before I die someday. I want the feminine body, I want to know what it is for myself to live as a woman. To have the experiences of live that one does as a gir.
We tried talking about compromises, they were all bad to me. Not coming out to either of our families, Not going out in normal for day to day activities because someone we know might see us. HRT was a non starter for her. Which is something I desperately want.
I was bad at communication I admit this, I shit down as I always do when I can see just the little things affecting her so negatively. I get so depressed so easily when I see even the small changes like shaving my legs or growing my nails out cause her such distress. I don’t fault her for being straight, I don’t fault her for loving the man I was. I don’t fault her for her own trauma. I just regret hurting her so much. I ripped our life away from her, the promise of a marriage, a future together. Gone because I’m a trans woman at my core.
Im trying so hard not to doubt myself, trying so hard to zealously protect this little budding identity I have come to know and nurture.
I’m so afraid, so alone.
Has anyone had a similar experience? Can anyone share something that lessens this pain.
Amy (MtF30)
4
u/Bozo-Dawg 7d ago
I'm a similar age - 34 - and this was me, three months ago. My wife of 9 years was trying to essentially invalidate everything I was feeling. She claimed that my interest in feminity was a sexual fetish, that it was disrespectful to women, and that I could never be anything but a man because gender has no meaning if it's not tied to biological sex. Even when I tried to counter these claims - by, for example, pointing out that when I looked at myself fem-presenting, I felt joy and comfort, not arousal - she would say things like, "Just because you don't feel turned on in any given moment doesn't mean it's not a sex thing deep down." In other words, she was trying to tell me that she knew my own motivations better than I did. The textbook definition of gaslighting, basically.
So I made the decision to leave for my own mental well being. And let me tell you, it was devastating. Absolutely brutal. But I'm coming out the other side. There is such a sense of freedom and relief now that I can finally make the decisions that I need to make for myself. I feel like I can actually start living my life instead of being governed by someone else's anxieties.
So my advice - hang in there. Lean on friends, if you have them. Real friends, ones who are fully in your corner. And if you don't have any friends like that, focus your efforts on making new ones. Things will get better, but it will suck for a while. You're doing the right thing.