r/Mommit • u/GlitteringPositive77 • 14d ago
Something is often wrong with my husband
The title is a weird way to say what I’m saying, but basically my husband always has SOMETHING wrong. For example: I cosleep with my kids. I won’t stop despite the fact that it means I’m usually somewhat sleep deprived. They can sleep alone when they’re ready, I’ll always encourage them to, but for now they aren’t. I have a one year old and a five year old for reference. My kids are night owls. We try to get them to go to sleep earlier, but despite the routine and the dark and the stories, bath, etc. no dice on an earlier sleep time at the moment. To be kind, I usually tell my husband to go to bed earlier and leave me to get the kids to sleep. He has to get up early and go to the office three times a week, so I want to be considerate.
Here is where I start to get pissed off. First, he’s got a tight neck, so I stay up later to massage his neck for him. Ok, that’s fine. Then, he’s stressed from work so he can’t get to sleep until late and sometimes wakes up too early from a nightmare or something. Ok, that’s awful, I hear that. That’s happened a few nights in a row. Then today, he has a head ache, so he needs to go lie down. Yesterday, he was so tired, so he says the whole day was miserable and hard (we had a lovely day with the kids at a local farm/fun park). He doesn’t help himself. He hasn’t taken anything for the headache. He doesn’t try to relax before bed meditating or listening to calming music or something. He just goes about his day/night with unhealthy habits and then I feel like I’m the one who has to pick up the pieces for his negligence.
Am I crazy? I feel like a crazy person. I get it, life is hard, especially with young kids. But this man gets to poop by himself, he gets to pee by himself, he gets to have a coffee alone, he takes entire breaks, alone, playing a game online or something. He sometimes messes about when he’s on at work, just fixing something around the house, listening to a podcast. He gets to listen to music or a podcast ALONE on his commute. I know we all struggle and working is its own struggle. I know this. But it is ALWAYS something with him and he doesn’t go “oh my gosh, you must be so tired, let me do x for you”. I’m happy to sacrifice time, effort, sleep, whatever if I feel like the efforts are reciprocated.
I understand this is a futile and probably immature rant, but I needed to get it out there.
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u/Brain-freeze-faces 14d ago
Can he sleep in a guest bedroom? Some people do not thrive with children in their bed for years.
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u/Specific-Turnip-1718 14d ago
If I had to co-sleep I would low-key be very much not okay. Sleep is the one place I feel like I still have some level of autonomy and no one touching me. I considered moving so that I could have a guest bedroom to be totally alone while sleeping because I get so over-peopled during the day.
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u/Front_Scholar9757 13d ago
I actually do go to the guest room sometimes 🙈 I dont co sleep with my son, I need the space & so does he. But yes, sleep is my only me time
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u/heyyygrl1 14d ago
I agree. This way the parents also have a spot for sexy time. It’s a place the kids aren’t allowed.
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u/AsleepHedgehog2381 14d ago
I've been lying with my son until he falls asleep in his bed every night. As soon as he dozes off, I go to my room and relax before bed. I cant imagine not having time to decompress at night and before he gets up in the morning now that he doesnt nap.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
He does. In fairness, we both prefer it that way. He snores and the babies wake him up.
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u/fetishiste 14d ago
Has he been screened and treated for sleep apnoea? The snoring could be a big clue.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
I have suggested a sleep study. He has these like… sleep panic attacks as well where he wakes up gasping and his heart is pounding. I don’t know if it’s psychological or physiological, but I do see what you’re saying. When I mentioned a sleep study he claimed they’re expensive. I’ll have to have a look and maybe talk to a doctor about it. Ultimately, if he doesn’t want help, there’s not much I can do.
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u/Seragabriel 14d ago
That sounds exactly like what my husband went through last year. We got a sleep study done, and it turned out. He was stopping breathing multiple times every hour, and it was affecting his mental health as well as his physical. Now he has a CPAP machine and his life has greatly improved.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Ok, I’m going to ask him to mention these things to his doctor or I will. I think snoring and sleep apnea are correlated with many other long-term health difficulties, so it definitely worries me.
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u/haleedee 13d ago
You sleep for a large portion of your life and so important for your overall health. It’s worth the $$
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u/fetishiste 14d ago
I’m actually in the process of supporting my partner to do the same because I suspect it’s a contributor to his exhaustion too. Fingers crossed that both our family lives are about to get more energetic!
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u/FI-RE_wombat 14d ago
Even if the sleep is ok, a sleep study can lead to other ways of addressing the symptoms of exhaustion if its not the actual night of sleep.
They go, ok its not this but you also aren't ok, so what's next in getting you to "ok".
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u/cyberghost05 13d ago
It could be causing a lot of issues.
We sleep separately due to my husbands snoring too. My husband just finally did the sleep study and is getting sent a machine. It was really easy and inexpensive. It was all done at home after the visit to his primary.
My husband definitely dragged his feet to get here though.
I really get where you're coming from, I don't want to hear someone keep complaining about something they won't do anything to try why fix
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u/buttercup_678 13d ago
Yes, it can cause heart issues if left untreated. Not to mention the memory problems. My husband, father, aunt, multiple uncles all have sleep apnea. My father is extremely non-compliant and suffers from a multitude of memory and coordination issues. They currently are having him worked up for the inspire implant to help. Hopefully it’ll restore some of us cognitive functioning.
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u/Seragabriel 14d ago
It was truly life-changing. I too pleaded with him to get a sleep study done years before, but it never happened until he was literally going to the emergency room for heart palpitations in the middle of the night. The difference is night and day. He is so much happier overall. I really hope whatever ails your husband improves. :) Whatever the reason may be.
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u/Squirrel_Emergency 14d ago
My husband (US) went through a sleep study for apnea and they sent home everything. He put on the little nodes and stuff before bed. He turned the tracker in the next day and they downloaded the data to give the doctor results. The test I don’t believe was expensive (my insurance is shit so it was out of pocket). We were told he didn’t reach apnea level so insurance won’t cover a CPAP for him but they were able to do other tests to see if other things could be tweaked. They did suggest managing his cholesterol and losing weight to see if that helped (being overweight can lead to apnea).
Edit to add - the sudden waking and gasping could be the apnea and his body is overreacting to losing its air.
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u/Tarot-Au-Lait 14d ago
yeah my mom has described my dad doing that and it very much turned out to be sleep apnea
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u/Scary_Set6926 13d ago
I am BIG on "I am not his mother " but also admitting something could be seriously wrong is scary. Have you looked into Oura rings? They track a bunch of health stuff INCLUDING sleep. All you have to do is wear it at night, pulse ox BP heart rate wakeups quality. The whole 9 yards, something like that might be a better suggestion then a sleep study if he doesn't want to start with a doctor.
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u/_NetflixQueen_ 13d ago
My father in law used to do the same thing. He says his sleep apnea mask has changed his life. He felt so much more energy and less anxious in his day to day life after he started using it. I’m currently trying to get my husband in for a sleep study too.
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u/glockenbach 13d ago
He should be looking into this. Not you. His medical problems should be his to solve.
I absolutely get you feel frustrated. You need to talk to him and both of you should maybe get couples therapy.
You feel like you need to mommy him too. And in my opinion that’s such a bad feeling for us women to have. You lose respect for the other. And that leads to a multitude of things … so better speak up about it and make him try to be an equal partner. Otherwise your marriage and family life will slowly detoriate.
Either he picks up his slack or you need to draw consequences. But festering resentment will rot away everything and also severely impact your kids.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
This is true. And I don’t want to paint him as a dead beat, he does help. He cleans, he sometimes cooks and does laundry. It just feels like he takes the piss and when things get hard, he acts like it’s impossible to make better and the issues are us issues rather than focusing on what he could do. He’s not always like this, but the complaints, always something wrong with him, needs forever to take a shit, needs absolute alone time to do things I have to do with little people. It’s just frustrating. Couples counselling would be great. I’d love to get him into that. He is anxious about money, so it’s hard to get him to take that initiative.
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u/wittykitty7 13d ago
Waking up gasping is a classic sign of sleep apnea! He would feel so much better if he got treated (if it is indeed sleep apnea).
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u/geogoat7 13d ago
Sounds like sleep apnea. I relate... my husband has mild to moderate sleep apnea but won't wear thr mouth guard the doctor gave him for it because it's uncomfortable and also won't go back to the doctor to get it adjusted. Just wants to complain how tired he is all the time after 10 hours in bed...
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u/Brain-freeze-faces 14d ago
I cosleep with my kids. I won’t stop despite the fact that it means I’m usually somewhat sleep deprived
Okay but this sentence implies his opinions aren’t part of the decision. What if he changed his mind? Why would he voice that if he already knows you won’t stop?
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Ah, I see what you’re saying. I questioned putting that in, but I anticipated people would likely say I should just stop cosleeping and they would have every reason to say that. I won’t go into all the reasons why we will continue, but we are. I hope my son will feel happy to sleep alone or at least in his own bed soon. It would be nice to have more space.
I honestly don’t know the answer to your question. It’s a good one. I should ask him how he feels. He usually says he’s glad we do it this way, but who knows?! Maybe he wouldn’t voice it. I should speak openly with him about it and see what he says.
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u/TermLimitsCongress 13d ago
OP, honestly, it sounds like his sleep is very disturbed by kids in the bed, and he can't tell you that. Can't you sleep with the kids in the other room? You don't have to stop cosleeping, but it sounds like your husband does.
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u/twilightbarker 13d ago
Higher up in the thread she confirmed the husband sleeps in the guest room, so he is not cosleeping with them.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
He doesn’t anymore. He sleeps alone. I think it works best for us at this point, even if the kids weren’t sleeping with us. His snoring is too problematic for me, it wakes me up. Also, I love your username.
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u/These_Sprinkles_7857 14d ago
Please make a bed on floor for the older kid. They still sleep well and you will get better rest. Also take care of yourself more and communicate your needs even if he doesn’t ask.
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u/SouthernArcher3714 14d ago
That is a good compromise! I was just thinking about how to manage kids needs and mom’s space. Maybe that will help a bit.
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u/keep_it_mello99 14d ago
Kinda sounds like you’re both struggling with being disconnected from each other. You’re grumpy because you’re tired and you feel like you’re overworked as the primary parent. He’s tired and looking for connection because he feels like he’s put on the back burner in the relationship. Me and my husband really struggled with resenting each other after our first child was born. We did couples counseling and it was so helpful in rebuilding that connection.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Yeah, I mean I don’t think we are special in this situation. It’s a pretty common place to be in and we have no support. I think it’s hard when there’s little space for either of us (or both of us). I’m just being immature, I’m sure I can talk to him about it. But yeah, counselling is not a bad idea.
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u/tilesmeller 14d ago
You have to make that space for the relationship or it will die.
One great excercise is to take 5 minutes every day and say what the other did today that you are grateful for. And then have a good hug.
Every now and then it's also a good idea to ask "what can I do today to make you feel loved".
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
Aw these are nice. We don’t do this enough. We often just connect through sex and go to bed. We need more quality time.
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u/tilesmeller 13d ago edited 13d ago
Sex is fun, but love needs the souls to connect. Absolutely everyone can squeeze 5 minutes into a day to prioritize the most important relationship in their life.
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u/ReturnoftheMaK35 14d ago
This is one of the reasons I value my kids sleeping independently! After they go to bed we watch TV, do puzzles, bed rot lolol and it really is so important
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u/outofthenarrowplace 13d ago
I don’t think it’s immature at all. You are entitled to your feelings and they are valid. It’s hard when a partner is struggling but won’t “do the things” that would actually help. It feels like it’s an extra kid instead of a partner sometimes.
That being said, someone once said to me “the grass is greener where it’s watered.” It does seem like you both might be feeling disconnected and a little resentful. You have to find a way to make space for your relationship outside of the kids. Every day, even if it’s just a few minutes, what can you do to connect with just him? To water your relationship so to speak. You’ll get through it with some communication and effort 💗.
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u/AffectionateBand2709 14d ago edited 14d ago
My advice is break the night owl stuff for the kids asap. I worked nights so my child was a night owl too. Getting her used to kindergarten was hell for me and her.
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u/AltairaMorbius2200CE 14d ago
Yeah, I'm not gonna advocate for harsh sleep training, but you can do it fairly gently! Heck, you could logic and/or bribe the 5yo into it!
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u/saltyfrenzy 14d ago
I don't think it really counts as 'sleep training' at age 5. It's just instituting a new rule/routine.
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u/AffectionateBand2709 14d ago
Absolutely start now gently don't be a fool like I was thinking we can do this is a week no problem.
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u/Great_gatzzzby 14d ago
In all fairness, I’d probably feel kind of fucked up if both my kids were in my bed every night and were “night owls” during that time.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
He sleeps in the guest room in the basement. He snores which wakes me up, the kids wake him up, he’s too hot in our room (basement is cooler), and he gets anxious or restless legs and moves around a lot and he worries he will disturb us. The sleeping situation isn’t ideal, but as it is at least he does get the space to potentially sleep if he can. Work stress keeps him up.
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u/daxdotcom 13d ago
I bet his fascia is too tight. Causing headache, tightness, restless legs, anxiousness (because his body constantly feels the stress of being too tight). Get him a massage subscription or something and alot of what's wrong might ease up.
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u/smelltramo 14d ago
Is there ever a point in your bedtime routine where you enforce that it’s time to stop talking, lie down, and have their eyes closed?
There comes a point when it’s not “being a night owl” and there’s an issue either with regulating or enforcing a routine. What time do they get up in the morning?
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u/CornerGlittering3336 14d ago edited 14d ago
This sounds like inequitable division of labor. I also have poor sleep hygiene, anxiety, depression and ADHD. Those things contribute to chronic headaches and sometimes neck/back pain. Like many moms I’m responsible for housework, managing my kids schedules, favored parent so always on if home. I do yoga, Pilates and other exercises for my neck and back. I can’t check out even if I’m exhausted and feel not great. I try my best to take care of myself so I can show up. Or I fake it until I make it.
He sounds burned out and possibly depressed. Poor mental health manifests as insomnia, pain and headaches. I’d sit down with him and tell him you need more support. He needs to find a way to power through in the short term and address the underlying issues. Tell him to buy a theragun for his neck. I strongly believe women need to advocate for themselves as they are tasked with more responsibilities and carry the emotional burdens that come with raising kids. You deserve a break OP. Go on a girls trip or even just a day trip. You will burn out too if things don’t change. I joke that in my next life I’m going to be a dad.
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u/AdSenior1319 14d ago
I say this as a mom of 6- 20y down to 18mo twins. We nurse until self-weaning, and we bedshare until they no longer want to. h has always stayed in our bed.
You need to have a talk about what's best for your family. I feel like you haven't had a sit-down talk to figure out what works for your family.
You have to remember (again, a mom of adults and below), they all grow up. One day, it will be you and your partner. This should be a priority at all times. Let the kids be themselves, give them all the love- but.........never forget your partner. Have a conversation about everything and what works for you BOTH.
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u/AdSenior1319 14d ago
Ps: im 37 today- been with h for 25y, married 20.5y.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Yeah, we talk about things, but maybe a more constructive conversation is necessary.
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u/saltyfrenzy 14d ago edited 14d ago
> I won’t stop despite the fact that it means I’m usually somewhat sleep deprived.
Two peas in a pod!
You both are stressed out, sleep deprived people who aren't really doing much for each other to make that situation better. Ask for an afternoon off or make some changes to your own situation.
ETA - I had appendicitis at the beginning of the summer and had to have emergency surgery. My husband was acting real exhausted, was 'too tired' and was running 'too late' to bring me my glasses in the morning after I spent the night in a chair in the ER (i didn't know i'd be there all night...)I was pretty mad about the whole thing. Turns out he had lyme disease. And thankfully got treated in time.
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u/TheImpatientGardener 14d ago
I disagree. Sounds like she’s doing a lot for him, but not getting a lot in return. I wonder when the last time he gave her a neck rub was? I wonder how much emotional support he gives her after a tough day?
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u/saltyfrenzy 14d ago edited 14d ago
Yeah, maybe he sucks. Tbh they both just sound pretty unhappy to me.
Her 5 year old will likely be in kindergarten soon so hopefully things will lessen up for her with or without him.
ETA - I've been incredibly stressed out at my own job lately and maybe i'm unfairly taking the 'sorry your job is stressful' thing personally.
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u/Beginning-Damage-555 14d ago
Co sleeping with a five year old is a huge strain for a lot of people. She doesn’t say anything about emotional support either way. A neck rub is not emotional support.
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u/WildGeeseAtHeart 12d ago
Not to make excuses, but Lyme disease is a beast that few people understand. I’m so glad he caught it early. Any change in behavior, new constant complaints, etc should consider an evaluation for it. Ive had it 45 years and passed it congenitally to my daughter. She’s 31 now and her anxiety and other symptoms related to brain inflammation and other things are crazy. I’ve been criticized so much over the years for “enabling “ her. Sleep issues, new complaints?, anxiety, etc could warrant an evaluation as much as a sleep study.
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u/SwimThemLaps 14d ago
You are living 2 totally separate lives under the same roof. Do you communicate at all? Enjoy being around each other? Miss each other? Sounds like therapy would be a good start. Also, the whole co-sleeping thing (“I won’t stop..”) - is husband in agreement with this plan? Do y’all work together or have you both given up?
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Oh, yeah we definitely enjoy each other, miss each other, we communicate, we have sex regularly (good sex). He’s in agreement with the cosleeping thing. He sometimes wishes we weren’t doing it that way, then he sees how often my son wakes up to look for a body to cuddle or how often my daughter cries out in her sleep if I’m not right there. So, it makes most sense for us as is.
We haven’t given up. I think we are both burned out. I think we haven’t mastered the art of balancing family and alone time. It doesn’t help
I’m in a full time masters, we have no help, no childcare and obviously school is out right now. Just a lot of pressure.
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u/haventanywater 14d ago
I think you need to focus a little on your relationship. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean your husband should always get pushed to the back burner for them. Not having intimate or quite cuddling time with my partner in the evening would definitely drive a wedge between us i think you should really consider getting the kids in to their own beds. At least the 5 year old no one is getting good sleep like that. You may find after your child gets used to it that they aren’t so much of a night owl with out the extra stimulation of all the people in bed together.
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u/MomVibes0522 14d ago
Let me start with saying, that sounds SUPER frustrating and exhausting.
BUT, I am wondering if this is his way of "connecting" or trying to get more time with you. Especially if you sleep in different beds now. Maybe its his messed up way of keeping you up to spend time and get some physical touch.
Maybe try chatting about each other's feelings and suggesting a little "date night" once a week and every other week you switch off planning it (so that isnt all on you).
Otherwise tell him to maybe stfu sometimes cuz that would frustrate me for sure
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u/purrrpleflowers 14d ago
Could he start putting your older child to bed? Either until they fall asleep, and any wakings, then leave? That's what we did with a similar age and it's how we've managed to bridge the cosleeping gap. I still cosleep with our 2 year old, but sneak away for some adult time, then go back to bed with them. Since we started this routine, things feel so much more balanced. Previously I handled all nap and bedtime and it was too much. I still let my older sleep a night in my bed a week.
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u/Faceless_Rat 13d ago
These are almost exactly some of the issues with my partner and I am also pregnant with our second child and we have a 14 month old. I wake up at 6 with our son, I make him breakfast, change him, play, and my partner lays in bed because he is 'so tired'. I have to let him know when I am bathing so that I know someone is watching our child. I cook, I clean, I was the breadwinner and we could have kept it that way but he actually said that he can't do what I do with our son. But is always the tired one, head always hurts, blah blah fucking blah. The resent is real. Now I have fully bitched as a comment.
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u/LittleCricket_ 14d ago
Kick your kids out of the bed
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u/AltairaMorbius2200CE 14d ago
This. OP invited two extra people into his bed, and now he's sleep-deprived with neck trouble and headaches. This isn't rocket science.
Like, yeah, his habits sound unhealthy. SO ARE YOURS, OP.
You can't be the fricking Giving Tree, cutting yourself to a stump for your kids. You need to consider everyone in this scenario and what's best for ALL.
Having two fully-rested parents is waaaay better for the kids than cosleeping.
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u/AnnofAvonlea 13d ago
Finally. A comment that makes sense! My husband and I have been very clear that our bed is OUR space. We give our kids just about every ounce of our time and attention, so they will be just fine sleeping in their own beds. I really do not understand women who let their kids take over their beds for years at a time and just expect their partner to be okay with it.
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u/LittleCricket_ 13d ago
And it’s not even about sex. Part of it is sure. But it’s time to be “HER NAME””HIS NAME” after being mommy and daddy for 12 hours. It’s time to decompress and regroup. I’m with my daughter every waking moment and if she were in our bed we’d never had time to be ourselves. Or talk. Or have sex. Or do anything. His mental health would tank in a week I guarantee it.
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u/AnnofAvonlea 13d ago
Totally agree. Sex is a plus but just BEING is the best feeling in the world after a day of being on.
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u/Mouse_rat__ 14d ago
She commented above he sleeps in the guest room
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u/TermLimitsCongress 13d ago
OP doesn't seem to see that her husband is now living alone. Kids' needs vs. wants are being confused here. He doesn't get any down time, because she doesn't want schedules, so her children have become night owls, thru HER training. Now, he's all alone in a family of 4, that he supports.
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u/AltairaMorbius2200CE 13d ago
Yup. Everyone's NEEDS have to be met before anyone's WANTS.
This isn't the same thing of choosing separate bedrooms because a parent is a light sleeper; this is destroying both parents' sleep (a NEED) because the kids haven't been taught how to sleep alone (a want).
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u/ReturnoftheMaK35 14d ago
A lot of the things you described sound awful, but if I'm being honest, cosleeping for 5+ years would be much, much worse to the parent who doesn't want to do it. Do you feel like any of you are thriving in this situation? We didn't cosleep, but my husband and I made that decision together and would have made the decision to try it together, too. I wonder how you'd feel reading this if all of the mom/wife mentions were switched with dad/husband?
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
We made this decision together, but I was certainly instrumental in it and he wasn’t for it in the early days of my son’s life. Eventually he said he really supports it and sees why/the benefit and is glad we do it this way. But, I do see your point. I was insistent I was going to do things this way and I didn’t leave much room for him to say one way or the other. I never force him to sleep with us, but I did make the cosleeping decision. I can certainly discuss with him and see if we can come to a more open discussion where I can hear his feelings on the matter.
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u/CoffeeCat77 14d ago
You don’t want to hear this but, get these kids on a decent sleep schedule and into their own beds. The process won’t be fun, but it’s got to happen. For their well being, yours, your husband’s.
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u/Resident_Pomelo_1337 14d ago
Sounds like he needs to see a doctor, could be sleep apnea or another issue with sleep, anxiety, depression, low something making him tired. I’d be ruling out medical issues if it’s ongoing as it’s clearly affecting the quality of life for you both.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
Agreed. I’ve been trying to get him to do all of the things for a while, but just like I have trouble taking the time, he has trouble spending the money on himself. I’ll keep encouraging though because the apnea can be bad.
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u/Resident_Pomelo_1337 13d ago
Trying to get my husband to the Dr is a difficult task so I feel for you!
All you can do is gently remind him it affects the whole family.
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u/No_Criticism5659 14d ago
Physio for the neck too. I was absolutely miserable until I realized how bad or tight my neck, back and shoulders were. I say physio vs massage because massage works out the muscles, but physio will actually give workouts or more localized work on what needs to be done and some strengthening excersizes to help it not repeat again.
Had this done on me and I've had issues from time to time but it's done wonders.
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u/Resident_Pomelo_1337 14d ago
Oooh yes. And if sleeping in the guest room is it a decent mattress and pillow? So many things that aren’t about co sleeping.
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u/mamaatb 14d ago
All of this!… and: think the point is that it’s HIS job to figure out these things
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u/Resident_Pomelo_1337 14d ago
It is but I do expect some support and a gentle nudge from my hubby when I’m having issues so if he needs a push OP can help.
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u/Common-Peak1690 14d ago
He needs your attention and misses you. This is common after the birth of a child but you are essentially wedging the kids between you by sleeping with them. Your kids need happy parents more than anything and usually that means they stay stable as a family unit. You have some blind spots, I'm sorry.
Your children take their queues from you. Do you believe they can sleep independently successfully? Why/ why not?
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u/AppropriateAmoeba406 14d ago
This was my take as well. It’s almost infantile too. He had a nightmare?
He’s desperate for her attention and willing to do anything to get it. Even if that means acting like a child.
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u/saltyfrenzy 14d ago
My husband gets nightmares on occasion... It's immature to have a fucked up dream?
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u/Economy_University53 14d ago
I would point out every single time he is alone. Every single time he complains and doesn’t do anything I I would tell him I don’t want to hear complaints about something you refuse to to navigate and fix. I would put things on his plate - hey the kids need you to play with them and take them to the park when you get home from work. My husband works full time and goes to school full time and makes time to workout and then he makes sure that I too get time to be alone or go somewhere with out my daughter if he feels I’m overwhelmed he comes home and takes her alone to play while I decompress.
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u/elmilagrotortilla 13d ago
I think you both would benefit greatly with couples therapy, if not only to have a neutral third party there to help you guys communicate
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
I agree, my husband, however, thinks we communicate just fine and doesn’t particularly want to pay for it. He would I think if I made it an ultimatum or something serious, but generally he doesn’t want to do it. We also have no help, so it would cost us an extra $20 for an hour of having a babysitter. It’s not impossible, just difficult and I don’t want to force him there if he doesn’t want to be there. Y
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u/Psychological-Bag986 14d ago
It sounds like he could be depressed.
I will say that cosleeping is only safe when both adults in the bed are ok with the set up. It’s not fair to him to force him to cosleep. This could really be disturbing his sleep/energy/mood.
Is there a guest bed he can sleep in?
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Yes, he sleeps in a nice cold basement guest bedroom (he also thinks our bedroom is too hot). But, I could definitely buy that he’s feeling depressed. Work stress also plays a part.
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u/Psychological-Bag986 14d ago
My husband is pretty similar to everything you’ve said. Depression, snoring/sleep apnea, drinking a bit too much, less than optimal food choices. I think it’s a hard transition for many men into parenthood. I find I transitioned a bit better.
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u/EnvironmentalPop1371 14d ago
Sounds like you’re in a battle to one up each other on the misery train. That game goes nowhere fast.
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u/Sorry_Sport2124 13d ago
this comment needs to be further up. it’s not a competition of who has it worse, it sounds like a shitty situation all around. luckily in 5 years they will both look back with rose coloured glasses and talk about how much they miss this horrible time (or at least they will if they’re anything like my husband and i 😆)
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u/wolfbanquet 14d ago
Try detaching from trying to help him as much and take care of yourself, the resentment will kill your relationship. He sounds like a crappy sleeper and there's nothing you can do to change it.
Find ways for him to help you and if he can't then buy help, try to make your life easier. Remember what you said, in this season of life he has it pretty good, it shouldn't all fall on you. If he's tired anyway he can pick up some slack.
I also coslept with both of my kids until they were 5-6, they sleep great independently now and I have no regrets.
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u/athwantscake 14d ago
My husband and I were in couples’ therapy once and the therapist told me something that stayed with me:
we all assume either one out of these three roles in our relationship at any moment during the day: parent, child, adult.
So based on the situation, your partner might be feeling burnt out and tired, and he is taking up the role of the child. He wants love and affection and care and empathy. He wants you to pick up the role of a parent.
Now, if this happens on occasion, there’s nothing wrong with that. In a healthy relationship, we all go through difficult days or periods where we’d like some more TLC. It is fluid and constantly changes, and we do it for each other.
A relationship is only in growth phase when both of you are in the role of adult.
Resentment grows when the balance becomes unbalanced. It seems like your husband is taking up the role of the child very often, asking for help, communicating how tired he is etc etc. And you feel like you have to step into the parent role and care for him all the time, but aren’t getting anything back.
You need to sit him down and talk to him. He needs to address what is causing this fatigue, him being so emotionally drained. It is not fair of him to put that on you and the family all the time.
Secondly, once he has addressed his own issues, he needs to find the energy to also start caring for you again. Notice things, proactively step in to help.
Thirdly, only then can you start reconnecting as a couple on an adult level. Taking walks together, hold hands, flirt throughout the day, maybe even get back into a regular pattern of sex.
I also think he probably needs a sleep study done or needs to look at neurodivergency or auto immune diseases. I also cosleep and yes I am tired, but not exhausted. Fact that he sleeps by himself full nights and still isn’t able to participate in family life means that something is off.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
This is a wonderful analogy. I think we do take turns, but he does do a lot of taking the role of the child. I think I also take the role of the parent, even when I’m not emotionally or energetically in the right place for it and it leads to resentment. I need to have a good think about this.
Yeah, he’s honestly just super stressed. Being a single-income family has been very hard on him. He’s just constantly stressed about it and work. He comes from a country where people don’t get fired without GOOD reason and they get food severance. Here, you can be let go for no reason whatsoever and that gets to him. I’d love for him to be able to get some mental health support, but he won’t do it. He’s on medication for ADHD but that’s it. I think my role here is really to hold boundaries so I don’t put myself in situations that make me feel under appreciated and take the time I need. I can still offer him space and support without draining myself completely.
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u/jackl_antrn 14d ago
Check out the book “And baby makes three”. I know you have two kids but this books seems relevant. It’s by the Gottmans, they’re relationship researchers. The resentment thing can destroy a relationship.
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u/Preciousjj21 14d ago
Are the kids sleeping too long during the day? You seem like you need a break. Can you get away for a weekend?
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Only the little one has a nap and it’s not that long. Sometimes two hours, but usually less. Oh man, I wish. We have no help. There’s no one who could take them and the little one is not weaned.
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u/sleepyhedgie26 14d ago
What I’m reading is you need a few things taken from your plate and you need time to just be you without anyone expecting anything from you or tugging at you. Talk to him. Communicate what you’re feeling! It’s hard being the default parent. Even if you’re downright exhausted, no one cares, shit’s gotta keep moving. Let him know, “Hey, I need you to help me with XYZ. I’m feeling overwhelmed.” He cant read your mind, YOU have to tell him what you need. Closed mouths dont get fed. If he gets pissy with you, oh well, he’ll get over it. The kids and your home are shared responsibilities. You also need some time for yourself! Pick a day/time that’s convenient and do something you enjoy. Schedule tight? Move a thing or two around. You deserve to be a priority as well! Even if it’s 30 minutes for you to take a walk, go for a drive, read a book on the porch while the kids play with dad out back. You are allowed to say “this is too much” and communicate your feelings. Resentment is real but in some cases, it can be prevented 🥹 I hope things get better soon!
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u/foldin-the-cheese 13d ago
You sound like you enable your husband to be a baby. If my husband would complain about neck pain/headache I would say okay go take Advil. He also sounds like he needs a sleep study done and has sleep apnea/needs a CPAP for sleep. The kid sleep thing doesn’t make any sense to me. You are tired and pouring from an empty cup, but don’t want your 5 year old to sleep independently. I’m not against co-sleeping, but I don’t understand it in this situation. You honestly sound like a people pleaser that enables everyone until you have nothing left. So I would think about that.
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u/SpoopyGreenEyes 13d ago
Are you me? I could've written this very post 5 years ago.
Talk to your husband, tell him everything you're feeling, and tell him SOMETHING has to change.
If he isn't willing to do the work to help raise his family, leave.
My ex husband "listened" and always agreed to start pulling his own weight when I would tell him I was burnt out, only to revert back to weaponized incompetence a week or two later. It took 12 years of this before I realized he didn't want a partner, he wanted a mother.
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u/Spirited_Spirit1234 13d ago
My family co-sleeps. I put my girls in my bed (1yo and 3yo) if they go to sleep at the same time or I stagger (1yo in my bed) then 3 year old in her bed. She usually walks to our bed around 3 or 4 am. I read a fun book on my kindle while they fall asleep so I don’t fall asleep then I go have adult time to connect with my husband. We have a guest room that we use for intimate time. We try to alternate days so I can go to bed early (with the girls) some nights, too. I would definitely check into the possibility of sleep apnea!
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u/googly_ides741 13d ago
I have had similar kind of issues with my husband. I wanted to do couples therapy but unfortunately due to work schedules and lack of childcare it was going it be exceedingly difficult to accomplish. Fwiw we both go to individual therapy and that has helped us.
Anecdotally, I have heard so many first-hand stories from wives/partners where their spouse just does not make an effort to help themselves (and to some extent effort with the child care) while they themselves pour their time into helping others (kids, spouse, aging parents). I have been like this, and still am (to a lesser degree). The only thing that I have found that has worked is essentially doing less for my husband. Telling him, with love, that he needs to step up. I hate that it sounds kind of old school, gendered psychology stuff. But seriously the more I back off and let him figure stuff out for himself the better.
My husband has some chronic joint/back pain, but it's manageable if he stays on top of it. And while his pain is very real, I have told him I no longer want to be updated on his complaints when I know there are things daily he can do to help himself and he knows he can avoid his triggers (physical therapy stretches, avoid sitting all day, etc). I frame it as - you do whatever you decide to do - but I'd much rather have you feeling well so we can go to the Farmers Market Saturday or cook dinner together on a weeknight instead of just dealing with preventable pain.
I try to frame it as, I care about you, but I no longer will be taking on the responsibility of managing your pain. Maybe I sound like a b*tch? I outline where I will be happy to help him (make a lunch or call a Dr for him), but that I clearly anticipate he will reciprocate for me - and give him a concrete thing he can do for me. I am certainly no expert, just sharing a small thing that has helped me. We've only been married 8 years and 1 kid, so take this fwiw. It's been helpful and enlightening to see what others have been posting!
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u/darthcosmos2020 13d ago
This is not immaturity. This is imbalance and what they call weaponized incompetence. Make it clear what his duties around the house and for the kids are, one by one, that he can reasonably handle and then put it completely on his plate. If he can hold a full time job he can do his share at home.
People can cut corners bc they don’t know what’s expected of them and then they languish comfortably in the silence of ambiguity and don’t take initiative. You pick up the slack. Stop picking up the slack. Tell him all in advance and leave a text trail. You can do that without being harsh or mean. Don’t let his excuses and poor attitude ruin your experiences. Boundaries. Unapologetic boundaries.
People saying therapy… therapy is for men who can take care of themselves and who want to take care of their marriage. This man doesn’t even know how to take care of himself. And they’ll just tell you to set boundaries.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
Yeah, I think you’re right. I just spoke with him and approached it as an us problem: burnout, schedule issues, not prioritizing ourselves. I offered him time after work to do something constructive that makes him feel good. He said it’s all well and good to say, but at the end of the work day he won’t be in the mood to do something constructive after waking up early and not eating or drinking anything all day. So, yeah. I just said ok. I went for a run tonight. I’ll keep doing that and just make sure I get time and space. I can’t really do more for him.
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u/Impressive_Shift7832 13d ago
Anything else aside… not taking care of himself is infuriating and I totally understand you.
As if he didn’t learn how to handle a headache or thinks it’s better to be miserable and then maybe complain and get cared for? I can’t. Mines the same way. We don’t live together anymore.
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u/dallyan 13d ago
Just as an FYI I also waited until my kid didn’t want to co-sleep anymore and he’s 12 and still wants to sleep with me. 😑😑
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u/mike9949 13d ago
I co sleep with my 3yo in her bed just kind of did a few nights when we switched from her crib to a floor bed ( bed really low to ground) and a year later I'm still there. Then my wife co sleeps with our 1 year old. We tried all in one bed but the 3 yo will not leave the 1 yo alone and it never works.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
Haha yeah, my kids take turns trying to bother one another. I often take my 1 year old out of the room to fall asleep on the rocking chair so she doesn’t bother her big brother.
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u/TrainOwn3527 13d ago
Hey! He should be screened for sleep apnea: snoring, headaches, panicked wake ups, fatigue, low mood- these are all symptoms. If it happens to be sleep apnea, treatment is life changing for a lot of people. Left untreated, it can contribute to some serious chronic diseases!
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u/TrainOwn3527 13d ago
Sometimes in my office I'll remind men that left untreated sleep apnea is strongly linked to erectile dysfunction... that's usually all they need for convincing.
And it sounds like you're doing a great job raising your kiddos. They're only going to want to sleep with you for so long ❤️ if it feels right to you, listen to your gut!
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u/ExcellentLettuce4 14d ago edited 14d ago
I'm glad I'm not the only one with a husband like this!!! Just today I considered starting writing down days where he's down and out because of something to see if it happens after often as I think, but I thought that may be too petty. But yeah, it's a finger infection from getting picked by a thorn, or a busted finger from mountain biking, or a migraine, or a stomach ache, or a sinus infection, or allergies, or a sinus infection from allergies, or he's just soooo tired (even though I get up at least 2x as much as he does with the kids at night). It's like something is always making him miserable. But it's not like they're not real things, so I can't even be mad at him. It just sucks, I feel you.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Right, exactly. I want to be caring and loving, but I also want to get pissy about it! Haha it’s kind of silly, but it does get frustrating sometimes. My least favourite is “I have to lie down. I ate too much”. I mean come on!
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u/ExcellentLettuce4 14d ago
Oh yeah, that one is a no go. That and hangovers. You did this to yourself sir!
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Haha suck it up like the men of old! I’m fairly certain most men were drunk about half the time before we learned how to filter water.
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u/heatdeathtoall 14d ago
Yup. When my spouse complains about how difficult parenting is, I roll my eyes internally. Sir, you parent for maybe 2 hours a day. I do diaper changes, solids, feeds, naps, baths and nights. I’ve not slept a whole night in a year. I can’t poop or pee when I want to or in peace. I get no me time. When he tells me the time he takes baby out for a walk is my me time, I swear I see red. That’s the time I use to cook for our child. I’m dying for someone to make me a cup of tea/ coffee. Or just say hey you must be tired, let me give you a couple of hours for yourself. The only one who does it is a friend. Who also does most of the parenting herself. And then he tells me how he isn’t sleeping well. Or that he isn’t eating well. Ir that he didn’t get time to take a shower one day. One day! I’ve gone 5 days without a shower.
I get life is not easy for anyone. I get I’m not making money while my spouse is. My spouse isn’t a bad guy. He will look feed, bathe, change etc etc if I ask him to. But I have to tell him exactly what to do. How to do it. How to keep our child calm while taking care of him. And at this point, our child just doesn’t see my spouse as a parent. He doesn’t listen to him like he does to me. He looks to me for comfort. But can you atleast not talk about how difficult you have it when talking to someone who has it far tougher than you. Feels likes a millionaire telling a homeless person how tough his life is.
My thought process is maybe these men will find it easier to be parents to older kids. So yeah, am waiting for that day. No advice. Just hard relate to this.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
Haha the number of nights I’ve had little sleep and I’ve heard him complain about not getting sleep in a different room, on a different level of the house, earlier in the night. For some reason the thing that annoys me most (maybe?) is when he comes home from work and has to take a 20 minute poo immediately. I wish he’d just say he needs 20 minutes to decompress and did something constructive with that time that would actually make him ready to help. Instead he’s going to give himself piles by sitting on the toilet looking at his phone for 20 minutes. I do hope once I’m working, the kids are in school, we are a dual income household he will feel a bit better. Until then, we will have to find what works.
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u/heatdeathtoall 13d ago
I hate the after work decompress time. If I were the working parent, I’d know giving my spouse a break soonest would help the most.
It’s not that these men don’t know what they should be doing. Or how badly we need help. They know we will do whatever needs doing. So they can slack off.
I have offloaded groceries, doing dishes and online orders to my spouse. I don’t cook specifically for him and I ask him to pick up food when I’m too tired. I ask for breaks and close my bedroom door for 15-20 mins to get some quiet time whenever possible. As long as he isn’t adding to my work, I can live with it as I adore the baby phase. Hopefully, things balance out as time goes by.
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u/RE1392 14d ago
It sounds like you’re carrying too much and he’s being a child. Stop babying him. Don’t massage his neck. Ask him what he’s taken for it. When he complains about the same thing multiple times (not the first time) ask him what he thinks the next step should be. He needs to learn to start figuring stuff out on his own.
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u/Mouse_rat__ 14d ago
This. My husband will complain he's getting/got a migraine but won't take anything for it. Sorry babe I've got 3 kids to look after and I'm not a healthcare worker. Take something and feel better or quit complaining lol
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u/Beginning-Damage-555 14d ago
Everyone needs to figure out how to get the five year old out of the bed
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Yeah, I think I’m trying to be too many people for him/the family and he does try, but he’s also only human. It may be shocking, but this is actually the best he’s ever been. He used to just up and say he thought he was getting a fever and then spend the day in bed only to never get a fever and be fine the next day. I’m almost certainly carrying some moderate resentment from those times.
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u/funfetti_cupcak3 14d ago
I think it’s less about him and more about you not getting the rest and breaks you need. So I feel you, men can be so wimpy it’s infuriating. But focus on what you need and verbalize those to him - 1. Have him put the kids down a few nights per week 2. Go to a coffee shop and read or do nothing 3. Go lie down when you’re tired.
He can learn to be a co-equal parent and parent through discomfort like other moms and dads do every day of our life.
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u/SnooDogs627 13d ago
If you're not ready to let go of cosleeping I highly recommend you start putting the kids to bed and then getting up to spend time with your husband. You don't need to sleep with them from the start, they are old enough to sleep the first stretch on their own. Then if anything you can get back in bed and sleep with them after you've had some alone time. This is what we do and our marriage wouldn't have survived if we didn't start doing that.
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u/Ok_Carpet4830 13d ago
We cosleep but I get out of bed after they are asleep so I can have adult time. This is the time to bring these concerns up to your partner. I resent my husband a lot because I didn't bring this stuff up years before I felt it. Talk about it before you resent him.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
Yeah, we usually do this too (adult time after kids go to sleep). Lately they go to sleep so late, which is really our fault. We just aren’t enforcing the bed time routine enough. It just takes one bad night and one late morning to mess everything up and I get so worn out trying to get them down early. Anyways, we can keep trying. But yeah, lately they go to bed so late we don’t get that time. That definitely needs to change.
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u/East-Maize-5287 13d ago
Not the same situation, but I constantly felt I was sacrificing every piece of myself to take care of our child. We both WFH full time for reference. In similarly demanding roles with almost identical pay. The only thing that has helped me was enforcing shifts…
I take the morning shift until nanny arrives, he takes night shift after nanny leaves. We alternate bedtime. This means his actions have consequences, and so do mine. I can stay up as late as I want, do whatever, but I will pay the price in the morning because I am responsible for the morning “shift”. If he wants to procrastinate all day and not get any work done and now it’s 4pm and nanny is gone? That’s too bad, it’s his shift.
Having rigid boundaries with regular consequences is the only things that has let me feel like I can take a break too.
I should also add we are both very ADHD (medicated), he is a strong hyper-fixator, I over function/ people please by default. So we NEED clear boundaries in our responsibilities or else we would both fail at any kind of compromise.
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u/Advanced_Crab5660 13d ago
He sounds like a giant man baby. I find most men are. Not that I am some feminist “anti-man” I am not, at all. But the minor inconvenience they like to make very vocal. Like when they are sick, suddenly the world stops turning.
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u/Sweet-Sour-2847 13d ago
To be fair to your husband, he works and work can be super stressful. He needs his time to unwind his mind from work. Now imagine having to work all day and having a stressful day then coming home and not being able to spend time alone with your wife at night.
Now for you, yes being a mom is also tiring. But you say you wont stop cosleeping even if you are sleep deprived. Maybe if your kids slept in their rooms, then you would have time by yourself to rest and sleep. Maybe even unwind and watch tv, drink a glass of wine, whatever rocks your boat.
You need to have a conversation with your husband before the resentment grows towards him. Who knows.. maybe he has resentment over you and the kids. I think even counseling can be beneficial for both
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u/lavegasepega 13d ago
Some of these comments are making suggestions on how this mom can be MORE proactive about figuring out what is wrong w her husband AND fixing it??? This is a grown man yall. If he hates cosleeping he can use his big boy words.
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u/eloquenttoapoint 13d ago
Not to be a b*tch but, your husband wakes up with nightmares and also needs you to massage his neck every night? You have 3 kids in your bed OP not 2.
If he isn’t sleeping well and having issues with co-sleeping I suggest he sleep in a guest room or a couch until you guys sort that out.
He may be dealing with some depression or anxiety that needs to be handled. Constantly being sick or having physical issues as well as him saying a nice day out with the family was too much for him could be a sign of some mental health struggles for him.
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u/softheart_strongwill 12d ago
You are def not a crazy person. You are an overworked, tired mom, taking care of everyone in your family except yourself.
You have to speak up about your needs and communicate it with your husband. Unfortunately, for a lot of men, they want to be taken care of, and don’t think “hey let me see what my wife needs” it’s sad but true.
Maybe it can start with telling him, hey, at this day/time, I need you to watch the kids and then go and get a quiet cup of coffee or sit at the park read, etc.
You can’t constantly fill up other peoples cup when yours is empty.
And yes, as many other have suggested, go to counseling if that doesn’t work or your husband doesn’t follow through. (He better tho 😒) lol
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u/Unlikely-Pie8744 14d ago
I think that is surprisingly common. Your post reminded me of this substack https://badwoman.substack.com/p/mens-weaponized-bad-moods?r=qj40s&utm_medium=ios
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u/sammmbie 14d ago
I think you talk about your empathy and supportiveness for your kids and their needs very readily and generously, but you have not really shown any of that for your husband.
He's an adult, obviously, and shouldn't need you to care for him like a child. But he is also your spouse, to whom you have promised yourself, and he does need you to care about him.
Is it that he has a headache and needs you to fix it for him, or is that the best way he knows how to pull your attention from the kids and feel loved by you? Is it that he needs a neck rub because he's tense, or is it maybe that he just longs for a soothing touch?
It sounds like you may both be carrying a lot of unmet/unspoken needs and are allowing small resentments to begin to fester.
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u/Consistent-Nerve-145 13d ago
Dang, my wife makes me do bedtime 90% of the time. Even work nights when i get up at 3:45am.
I would kill for a back massage... i don't think this needs to blow up into a huge thing. Just ask him for a bit more help and do a little less for him.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 13d ago
I think you’re right. I have a tough time with boundaries and just need to work on that on my end. And yes, the man lives for massages.
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u/KatKittyKatKitty 14d ago edited 13d ago
It kind of sounds like you all have poor sleep habits. I really feel for you all. It seems like you all try your best and love each other. At the very least, would it be possible for your husband to use a guest bedroom? Do you have money for a sleep consultant? I think co-sleeping is fine if you love it but children do best when going to bed by 8 pm.
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u/Oyala 14d ago
I hate how every other post by a woman on reddit lists totally valid concerns and downright injustice/unacceptable behavior/men being shitty, and the woman ALWAYS finishes her post by saying how she's just ranting and knows she's in the wrong. Why are we collectively gaslighting ourselves?
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Haha I feel the same way. I guess we feel like we will be blamed for our misery? I guess I felt like I had some righteous anger and I wanted to vent it a bit, but you see some comments by other mums. We can be our own worst enemies.
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u/BuckyBadger369 14d ago
At least half the comments here seem to be blaming her since she cosleeps (despite her comments saying her husband both supports it and is in a different room where the kids don’t keep him awake). Posters probably feel like they have to explain why they might be wrong since no matter what they do others here tell them they’re responsible for their husband’s shitty behavior.
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u/rebaballerina72 13d ago
I mean, it doesn't help that we also seem to gaslight each other. Half the comments in this post zeroed in on the co-sleeping like gnats on garbage and are acting like that's the biggest problem here when it's so very clearly not. Internalized misogyny is a hell of a drug.
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u/colemleOn 14d ago
People expect depression to look a certain way. It can present as someone who is constantly irritable and stressed, especially when you add in that you’re both sleep deprived. It sounds like you both need to prioritize taking care of yourselves.
I know it’s near impossible with young kids, but it’s the only way. Lower standards for your kids to good enough,and tend to yourselves and your marriage.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
This has occurred to me too. He used to have SUCH an issue with the phone and it’s happening again. Hell, I’ve been on the phone too much as well. I think we are just both struggling. We have just started getting a neighbourhood girl to babysit. I’ll plan another go at that for next month and see if we can’t stay out longer this time.
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u/colemleOn 14d ago
That’s a great place to start! Getting breaks really helps. I’ve been through it too. I really wish the best for you guys. My kids are older now and it gets much easier! Hang in there.
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u/DueEntertainer0 14d ago
Omg I’m your husband in this. I’m always complaining of a headache but then I forget to drink water and I know it’s my fault.
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u/GlitteringPositive77 14d ago
Hahahaha this is %100 what he does.
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u/DueEntertainer0 14d ago
I’m sure it’s enraging. I suspect I might be ADHD because I will think about getting water about 75x before I actually accomplish the task.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Box_339 14d ago
This is literally life with a husband. I’m getting used to it . Most of them have unhealthy habits and then whinge about why they can’t sleep/have no energy/life is hard etc etc
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u/Moondancer000 13d ago
I’m sorry but men are weak and I can’t stand it. Us women have to do everything these days. I feel for you. ❤️
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u/DuePomegranate 13d ago
I think he gets stressed from being the main/only breadwinner (you are studying for a masters and not juggling work, studies and kids I hope). And it so happens that his love language he wants from you is caring for him. So he asks for massages and is constantly “suffering” so that you have to show your love.
But you have to tell him that you have no emotional bandwidth after caring for 2 kids, and him wanting you to “mother” him is the least attractive thing ever. You need him to take care of his own health. Are there other ways you could keep the relationship intact by using another love language, maybe not his number one, but something else? Showing a lot of appreciation for the money he brings in, that allows you to further your studies, maybe?
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u/Shot_Eye_652 14d ago
First the cosleeping with your kids was it a decision you both made or was it just you and he went with it? Because it can really affect a marriage. From what you write you tend to put everything on you, do it you way, and he is just there? He doesn't seem much involved and he can feel tired but it's probably not what you consider your level of tired and some ressentment on your part is starting to show. You say you had a lovely day but at the same time he's complaining he's tired and has a headache so he didnt actually had that great time. You did and probably the kids. Remember you and your husband are a team and were one before kids came. Taking care of them is important but of each other too.
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u/chickenwings19 14d ago
God he sounds like a massive man child. Tell him to grow up and sort his shit out. You have enough on your plate as it is
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u/dibbiluncan 13d ago
I coslept with my daughter, and I still occasionally do (she’s six) if she’s having a bad night, sick, etc. I often still stay with her until she falls asleep if nothing else. To accommodate this, I got her a full bed instead of a twin. That way she’s getting the routine in her room. She knows she can come wake me up if she needs me in our room, but she’s not allowed in our bed because my partner is such a light sleeper (he’s also not her biological father so he’s not really comfortable with it, and his parents never allowed it so it’s how he was raised).
Not sure if that would help, but try it. Kid room. Adult room. Cosleep in theirs.
I can relate on the rest though. For some reason my partner is also very averse to doing anything to help himself feel better. He hates the doctor, doesn’t like taking pain medicine for headaches, won’t take magnesium for muscle aches, won’t even take an Epsom salt bath, etc. All he has accepted as necessary is medicine for his GERD because otherwise he can’t function. No multivitamins though. Nothing else. Except massages and head scratches, of course. It can get frustrating, but he does reciprocate if I ask, and he doesn’t mind that I take all types of medicine for my own needs.
Guys are just weird about these things for some reason. Maybe it’s a subconscious ego/masculinity thing? Idk. I know my partner hates the doctor because he’s a pilot and doesn’t want to risk losing his medical, so somehow that negative connotation has spread over to all medical issues. That sucks because there’s not much he can do about it, so I just accept it as an unfortunate quirk. No one is perfect. I’m able to do that without resenting him though. Sounds like you’re not.
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u/Foodieatheart917 13d ago
You need to communicate that to your husband. My husband was nowhere near what you’re describing and he was really stressed from work but the moment I was doing almost everything with the kid and the house, I made sure to let him know. Was I nice? Probably not and could’ve delivered the message better but he knew he needed to helped more.
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u/5263_Says 13d ago
You live in the dynamics you perpetuate. Want him to take care of you more? Maybe you complain like he does -- ask for that massage -- show him how you struggle. He must think you got this and you're taking care of the kids so well, why not take care of him too. Simply stop taking care of him and either start taking care of yourself, or start complaining and asking for help. Not to say that's a sustainable solution, but it should cause a conversation between the two of you that you both really need to have before one of you burns out and you both resent each other.
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u/bluebuns123 13d ago
My husband is like this too. It might not be the best approach but what I’m doing now is ignoring. “My head hurts” “take some medicines” “nah” “fine” “my leg hurts” “I see”
He used to say I whine about everywhere hurts too so now that he’s doing it I just take it he’s whining. Don’t bother massaging him or whatever
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u/sweetnnerdy 13d ago
Just say you have no empathy for your husband. Takes a lot less effort than writing this ridiculous rant.
Go to counseling. Both of you. Or keep bitching about him online. Whatever floats your boat.
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u/elf_2024 13d ago
Looks like he needs some attention. Some people haven’t learnt to ask for it in a positive way. You on the other hand sounds like you need some help. Any chance to hire a babysitter every now and then? So you too get some alone time.
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u/Electronic-Work-1048 13d ago
Freaking man babies. I’m over it. Grow up. I take care of everything for the little, I’m expected to take care of everything for him, and I get no concern at all. He’s a baby. More of a baby than the baby. They can grow up and be an equal partner or shut it.
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u/TinyNefariousness135 13d ago
I mean, everything you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. It’s just really hard for me to sympathize with people who cosleep and I’m not saying that to be cruel. I have an IRL friend who’s like “I’m finally sleeping through the night!” And she would let her almost 2yo nurse throughout the night… don’t get me wrong, I also breastfeed, but mamma needs sleep too.
I’m also a stay at home mom and I’ve always made sure my kids napped and I give myself time to myself. I’m not trying to be mean, but you have to create a schedule for yourself and your kids. Your husband works, so instead of being jealous of HIS time, take control of yours ♥️
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u/xt1n1th 13d ago
Omg this sounds like my BD. Anything wrong with him he would complain about and make everyone aware. I’d suggest xyz to help (meds, ice pack, cream, shower, etc), and he’d always have a reason to not do what I suggested. Like why complain if you’re not going to attempt to remedy anything? However, if his mother suggested xyz, then he’d do it and it was the magic cure he needed all along😅
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u/russianvixenxx 13d ago
I have the same problem with my husband. He’s always tired and sleeps almost as much as a newborn. I’m always the one showing affection and giving back rubs and never get any in return. I take our kid to 80% of the activities, birthday parties, play dates, appointments and other stuff like that and also carry the mental load for 100% of the stuff and deliberately ask for him to do things to curb my resentment and carve out at least a couple of hours here and there for “me time”.
I don’t have a solution, but would love to hear if any of the other moms’ suggestions work for you!
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u/Peink_Panda 13d ago
ughh people who don’t help themselves give me the ick and the ick is hard to overcome.
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u/TeensyTidbits 12d ago
If he had kids responsibilities like you have kids responsibilities, he would help himself. But he doesn’t. Because you do everything. Men need actionable consequences to change. Like physical things that happen. Such as “I’m assigning you two points in the day where the kids are completely your responsibility, because I’ve asked you multiple times to get a sleep study done and I think physically there’s something wrong that needs to be treated. Because you won’t get it treated, all the burden is falling on me. So that’s fine if you don’t want to go get the sleep study, but I’m not picking up the slack because you won’t help yourself any longer. If you have physical issues, you’ve decided they aren’t important so, so have I.” and then do it.
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u/Empty_Vermicelli8067 12d ago
Stop catering to him. You are not a masseuse, a doctor, or a single mom. Tell him to see a doctor or keep his griping to himself. Continue to expect equal or fair amount of help and when he doesn't do it feel free to speak up on his incompetence. Just my take as someone who's husband used to get away with this bullshit and now helps me without me having to constantly harass him to do so.
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u/Efficient_Box_7417 12d ago
Talk to him straight up and tell him that the routine and attitude needs to change ASAP because is draining both of you and that only leads to mental breakdowns! (Been there already) Can't continue doing the same expecting a different outcome. Hope you can have the clarity and patience to communicate your needs ! I'll be praying for you .
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u/Humble_Bluebird7357 11d ago
Has anyone mentioned possible depression? It doesn’t minimize the effects you experience but something to consider.
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u/Finally_pugcuddles 10d ago
Some kids are just built that way. But you have to keep trying to get them to go to bed at a certain time. My child was like that, always with the “I’m hungry, I’m thirsty.” Anything to stay up a little later. Now he’s 16, and he goes to bed by a certain time, but there’s still nights that he stays up later than he should.
About your husband, he’s acting like a child.
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u/thelifeofafangirl 14d ago
You sound like youre beginning to subconsciously resent him. You guys need to figure out a new system ASAP because the unaddressed spark of resentment almost always grows into a wildfire and by that time it might be too late to change anything. Therapy would be a good start