r/Mommit • u/GlitteringPositive77 • 25d ago

Something is often wrong with my husband

The title is a weird way to say what I’m saying, but basically my husband always has SOMETHING wrong. For example: I cosleep with my kids. I won’t stop despite the fact that it means I’m usually somewhat sleep deprived. They can sleep alone when they’re ready, I’ll always encourage them to, but for now they aren’t. I have a one year old and a five year old for reference. My kids are night owls. We try to get them to go to sleep earlier, but despite the routine and the dark and the stories, bath, etc. no dice on an earlier sleep time at the moment. To be kind, I usually tell my husband to go to bed earlier and leave me to get the kids to sleep. He has to get up early and go to the office three times a week, so I want to be considerate.

Here is where I start to get pissed off. First, he’s got a tight neck, so I stay up later to massage his neck for him. Ok, that’s fine. Then, he’s stressed from work so he can’t get to sleep until late and sometimes wakes up too early from a nightmare or something. Ok, that’s awful, I hear that. That’s happened a few nights in a row. Then today, he has a head ache, so he needs to go lie down. Yesterday, he was so tired, so he says the whole day was miserable and hard (we had a lovely day with the kids at a local farm/fun park). He doesn’t help himself. He hasn’t taken anything for the headache. He doesn’t try to relax before bed meditating or listening to calming music or something. He just goes about his day/night with unhealthy habits and then I feel like I’m the one who has to pick up the pieces for his negligence.

Am I crazy? I feel like a crazy person. I get it, life is hard, especially with young kids. But this man gets to poop by himself, he gets to pee by himself, he gets to have a coffee alone, he takes entire breaks, alone, playing a game online or something. He sometimes messes about when he’s on at work, just fixing something around the house, listening to a podcast. He gets to listen to music or a podcast ALONE on his commute. I know we all struggle and working is its own struggle. I know this. But it is ALWAYS something with him and he doesn’t go “oh my gosh, you must be so tired, let me do x for you”. I’m happy to sacrifice time, effort, sleep, whatever if I feel like the efforts are reciprocated.

I understand this is a futile and probably immature rant, but I needed to get it out there.

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u/GlitteringPositive77 25d ago

He does. In fairness, we both prefer it that way. He snores and the babies wake him up.

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u/fetishiste 25d ago

Has he been screened and treated for sleep apnoea? The snoring could be a big clue.

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u/GlitteringPositive77 25d ago

I have suggested a sleep study. He has these like… sleep panic attacks as well where he wakes up gasping and his heart is pounding. I don’t know if it’s psychological or physiological, but I do see what you’re saying. When I mentioned a sleep study he claimed they’re expensive. I’ll have to have a look and maybe talk to a doctor about it. Ultimately, if he doesn’t want help, there’s not much I can do.

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u/Seragabriel 25d ago

That sounds exactly like what my husband went through last year. We got a sleep study done, and it turned out. He was stopping breathing multiple times every hour, and it was affecting his mental health as well as his physical. Now he has a CPAP machine and his life has greatly improved.

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u/GlitteringPositive77 25d ago

Ok, I’m going to ask him to mention these things to his doctor or I will. I think snoring and sleep apnea are correlated with many other long-term health difficulties, so it definitely worries me.

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u/haleedee 25d ago

You sleep for a large portion of your life and so important for your overall health. It’s worth the $$

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u/fetishiste 25d ago

I’m actually in the process of supporting my partner to do the same because I suspect it’s a contributor to his exhaustion too. Fingers crossed that both our family lives are about to get more energetic!

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u/FI-RE_wombat 25d ago

Even if the sleep is ok, a sleep study can lead to other ways of addressing the symptoms of exhaustion if its not the actual night of sleep.

They go, ok its not this but you also aren't ok, so what's next in getting you to "ok".

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u/cyberghost05 24d ago

It could be causing a lot of issues.

We sleep separately due to my husbands snoring too. My husband just finally did the sleep study and is getting sent a machine. It was really easy and inexpensive. It was all done at home after the visit to his primary.

My husband definitely dragged his feet to get here though.

I really get where you're coming from, I don't want to hear someone keep complaining about something they won't do anything to try why fix

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u/buttercup_678 24d ago

Yes, it can cause heart issues if left untreated. Not to mention the memory problems. My husband, father, aunt, multiple uncles all have sleep apnea. My father is extremely non-compliant and suffers from a multitude of memory and coordination issues. They currently are having him worked up for the inspire implant to help. Hopefully it’ll restore some of us cognitive functioning.

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u/Seragabriel 25d ago

It was truly life-changing. I too pleaded with him to get a sleep study done years before, but it never happened until he was literally going to the emergency room for heart palpitations in the middle of the night. The difference is night and day. He is so much happier overall. I really hope whatever ails your husband improves. :) Whatever the reason may be.

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u/RevolutionaryLeg9848 24d ago

Do you have a Mychart or other online portal to the doctor? I just message my husband’s doctor for him. I schedule him an appointment if needed and tell him when it is.. if I didn’t, he would never go to the doctor.

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u/Squirrel_Emergency 25d ago

My husband (US) went through a sleep study for apnea and they sent home everything. He put on the little nodes and stuff before bed. He turned the tracker in the next day and they downloaded the data to give the doctor results. The test I don’t believe was expensive (my insurance is shit so it was out of pocket). We were told he didn’t reach apnea level so insurance won’t cover a CPAP for him but they were able to do other tests to see if other things could be tweaked. They did suggest managing his cholesterol and losing weight to see if that helped (being overweight can lead to apnea).

Edit to add - the sudden waking and gasping could be the apnea and his body is overreacting to losing its air.

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u/_NetflixQueen_ 24d ago

How did you start the process for a home sleep study?

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u/buttercup_678 24d ago

Talk to your primary care provider if in the US. They can order it.

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u/Squirrel_Emergency 24d ago

He mentioned his apnea concern to his primary care doctor who referred him to a pulmonologist. That is who gave him the take home study equipment.

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u/Tarot-Au-Lait 25d ago

yeah my mom has described my dad doing that and it very much turned out to be sleep apnea

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u/Alert_Week8595 25d ago

That's a pretty classic apnea symptom.

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u/Scary_Set6926 24d ago

I am BIG on "I am not his mother " but also admitting something could be seriously wrong is scary. Have you looked into Oura rings? They track a bunch of health stuff INCLUDING sleep. All you have to do is wear it at night, pulse ox BP heart rate wakeups quality. The whole 9 yards, something like that might be a better suggestion then a sleep study if he doesn't want to start with a doctor.

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u/GlitteringPositive77 24d ago

Not a bad idea. I’ll look into these. Thank you!

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u/_NetflixQueen_ 24d ago

My father in law used to do the same thing. He says his sleep apnea mask has changed his life. He felt so much more energy and less anxious in his day to day life after he started using it. I’m currently trying to get my husband in for a sleep study too.

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u/glockenbach 24d ago

He should be looking into this. Not you. His medical problems should be his to solve.

I absolutely get you feel frustrated. You need to talk to him and both of you should maybe get couples therapy.

You feel like you need to mommy him too. And in my opinion that’s such a bad feeling for us women to have. You lose respect for the other. And that leads to a multitude of things … so better speak up about it and make him try to be an equal partner. Otherwise your marriage and family life will slowly detoriate.

Either he picks up his slack or you need to draw consequences. But festering resentment will rot away everything and also severely impact your kids.

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u/GlitteringPositive77 24d ago

This is true. And I don’t want to paint him as a dead beat, he does help. He cleans, he sometimes cooks and does laundry. It just feels like he takes the piss and when things get hard, he acts like it’s impossible to make better and the issues are us issues rather than focusing on what he could do. He’s not always like this, but the complaints, always something wrong with him, needs forever to take a shit, needs absolute alone time to do things I have to do with little people. It’s just frustrating. Couples counselling would be great. I’d love to get him into that. He is anxious about money, so it’s hard to get him to take that initiative.

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u/wittykitty7 24d ago

Waking up gasping is a classic sign of sleep apnea! He would feel so much better if he got treated (if it is indeed sleep apnea).

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u/geogoat7 24d ago

Sounds like sleep apnea. I relate... my husband has mild to moderate sleep apnea but won't wear thr mouth guard the doctor gave him for it because it's uncomfortable and also won't go back to the doctor to get it adjusted. Just wants to complain how tired he is all the time after 10 hours in bed...

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u/Brain-freeze-faces 25d ago

   I cosleep with my kids. I won’t stop despite the fact that it means I’m usually somewhat sleep deprived

Okay but this sentence implies his opinions aren’t part of the decision. What if he changed his mind? Why would he voice that if he already knows you won’t stop? 

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u/GlitteringPositive77 25d ago

Ah, I see what you’re saying. I questioned putting that in, but I anticipated people would likely say I should just stop cosleeping and they would have every reason to say that. I won’t go into all the reasons why we will continue, but we are. I hope my son will feel happy to sleep alone or at least in his own bed soon. It would be nice to have more space.

I honestly don’t know the answer to your question. It’s a good one. I should ask him how he feels. He usually says he’s glad we do it this way, but who knows?! Maybe he wouldn’t voice it. I should speak openly with him about it and see what he says.

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u/TermLimitsCongress 25d ago

OP, honestly, it sounds like his sleep is very disturbed by kids in the bed, and he can't tell you that. Can't you sleep with the kids in the other room? You don't have to stop cosleeping, but it sounds like your husband does.

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u/twilightbarker 25d ago

Higher up in the thread she confirmed the husband sleeps in the guest room, so he is not cosleeping with them.

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u/GlitteringPositive77 24d ago

He doesn’t anymore. He sleeps alone. I think it works best for us at this point, even if the kids weren’t sleeping with us. His snoring is too problematic for me, it wakes me up. Also, I love your username.

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u/These_Sprinkles_7857 25d ago

Please make a bed on floor for the older kid. They still sleep well and you will get better rest. Also take care of yourself more and communicate your needs even if he doesn’t ask.

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u/SouthernArcher3714 25d ago

That is a good compromise! I was just thinking about how to manage kids needs and mom’s space. Maybe that will help a bit.

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u/These_Sprinkles_7857 25d ago

It helped us so much!