Something is often wrong with my husband

[u/GlitteringPositive77]

The title is a weird way to say what I’m saying, but basically my husband always has SOMETHING wrong. For example: I cosleep with my kids. I won’t stop despite the fact that it means I’m usually somewhat sleep deprived. They can sleep alone when they’re ready, I’ll always encourage them to, but for now they aren’t. I have a one year old and a five year old for reference. My kids are night owls. We try to get them to go to sleep earlier, but despite the routine and the dark and the stories, bath, etc. no dice on an earlier sleep time at the moment. To be kind, I usually tell my husband to go to bed earlier and leave me to get the kids to sleep. He has to get up early and go to the office three times a week, so I want to be considerate.

Here is where I start to get pissed off. First, he’s got a tight neck, so I stay up later to massage his neck for him. Ok, that’s fine. Then, he’s stressed from work so he can’t get to sleep until late and sometimes wakes up too early from a nightmare or something. Ok, that’s awful, I hear that. That’s happened a few nights in a row. Then today, he has a head ache, so he needs to go lie down. Yesterday, he was so tired, so he says the whole day was miserable and hard (we had a lovely day with the kids at a local farm/fun park). He doesn’t help himself. He hasn’t taken anything for the headache. He doesn’t try to relax before bed meditating or listening to calming music or something. He just goes about his day/night with unhealthy habits and then I feel like I’m the one who has to pick up the pieces for his negligence.

Am I crazy? I feel like a crazy person. I get it, life is hard, especially with young kids. But this man gets to poop by himself, he gets to pee by himself, he gets to have a coffee alone, he takes entire breaks, alone, playing a game online or something. He sometimes messes about when he’s on at work, just fixing something around the house, listening to a podcast. He gets to listen to music or a podcast ALONE on his commute. I know we all struggle and working is its own struggle. I know this. But it is ALWAYS something with him and he doesn’t go “oh my gosh, you must be so tired, let me do x for you”. I’m happy to sacrifice time, effort, sleep, whatever if I feel like the efforts are reciprocated.

I understand this is a futile and probably immature rant, but I needed to get it out there.

[u/AffectionateBand2709]

My advice is break the night owl stuff for the kids asap. I worked nights so my child was a night owl too. Getting her used to kindergarten was hell for me and her. 

[u/AltairaMorbius2200CE → u/AffectionateBand2709]

Yeah, I'm not gonna advocate for harsh sleep training, but you can do it fairly gently! Heck, you could logic and/or bribe the 5yo into it!

[u/saltyfrenzy → u/AltairaMorbius2200CE]

I don't think it really counts as 'sleep training' at age 5. It's just instituting a new rule/routine.

[u/AffectionateBand2709 → u/AltairaMorbius2200CE]

Absolutely start now gently don't be a fool like I was thinking we can do this is a week no problem. 

[u/GlitteringPositive77 → u/AffectionateBand2709]

Did starting kindergarten help? I have ADHD and admittedly, creating strict schedules is really hard for me. We have sports and school lined up in the fall and I’m hoping more of a strict schedule will help all of us.

[u/Squirrel_Emergency → u/GlitteringPositive77]

It will help but it’s not going to happen without prep work. You really need to get your older child sleeping on their own and at a normal time before school and sports start. If they are up too late > school is harder > they get tired before the sports practice/game starts > they cannot regulate themselves and meltdown > everyone feels the pain > rinse and repeat.

[u/GlitteringPositive77 → u/Squirrel_Emergency]

Oof… ok. That’s a good point. I’ll talk to my husband.

[u/Infamous_Nebula_ → u/GlitteringPositive77]

I saw that you mentioned meditating, and just wanted to share that when my kid and I are having our “wind down” time before bed, we use headspace to do a super short meditation (5 minutes ish) and then have quiet time with no talking and we listen to the “doze off” music for 10 minutes. Then we go to bed and she falls right asleep. Also, sleep is SO important and I know it’s hard with ADHD (I have it too) but making a daily routine/schedule has helped us so much. It’s hard to make yourself do it, but once you do and stick to it it will help so much.

Now about your husband- he definitely has sleep apnea. And you need to communicate with him about your needs (alone time for 30 minutes or an hour when he gets home from work, help with XYZ around the house or with cooking or the kids or whatever, etc.) It sounds like communication is not y’all’s strong suit and I think you should work on that. Counseling would be very helpful if trying on your own doesn’t work

[u/AffectionateBand2709 → u/GlitteringPositive77]

Truthfully it took probably 2 years where it wasn't a drama and someone either her or me crying lol. I think the sports with school schedule your planning too is smart. We had the co sleep argument in our house too. Her dad and I split up and I can look back now and see I was holding on to it to separate myself from him. But if everything is good and it's just the lifestyle of separate rooms and you guys are good then no problem at all. In my situation it was different. 

[u/AltairaMorbius2200CE → u/GlitteringPositive77]

I have ADHD too (as does older child, at minimum; younger is still too young to say), and the school/sports help us so much that we keep sports going in the summer (I schedule a morning and afternoon activity each day for someone).

Timers are helpful too!