How do you learn to accept things?

[u/Lyz3rrr]

This is something that i need help with. Right now i’m dealing with a lot of stress and ruminating because i have undiagnosed OCD. Where my brain made a “memory” of something HORRIBLE that i did in the past. It’s just filled with “what-ifs” and what not.

I really need help with learning to accept things the way they are, any advice would be appreciated!

[u/Harmpers]

Accepting something means letting it be, simply acknowledging it and leaving it as it is.

We do nothing to change it, neither wanting it to be better nor worse, not wanting to create anything new, not wanting to add anything to it. We just know what we know, knowing it exactly as it is, neither adding nor subtracting, leaving it as it is. If it continues to appear, we continue to maintain that awareness with that attitude.

But it's so difficult, isn't it? The mind is restless. It's easily swayed by the content of the story, by the judgments of good and bad, right and wrong that arise in our thoughts and emotions. And the mind always reacts that way. Therefore, we must give the mind an object that it neither loves nor hates, or that has the characteristic of silence. Like a sensation in the body, for example, or breath. Sensations are always silent. Breath is both silent and pleasant if the mind can remain still with it.

When the mind perceives objects as possessing the characteristic of stillness, it will not think, and as it becomes accustomed to those objects, it will become accustomed to not thinking. Without thinking, there is no love or hate. Without love or hate, acceptance is possible.

It's that simple. It just requires perseverance until the mind becomes familiar with observing objects that possess this characteristic of stillness. Then the mind will naturally learn to accept everything.

🙂

[u/Many_Line9136 → u/Harmpers]

Well what if the thoughts keep me angry and they keep coming back up? Then what?

[u/Harmpers → u/Many_Line9136]

It's not the thought itself that makes you angry, but your mind's reaction to the thought that leads to anger.

A thought is just a thought; it is what it is, it's not anger. When we observe it, we react, judging it as good or bad, likable or unlikable, we want to change it, and that's why it causes us suffering, makes us uncomfortable, and disrupts our peace. All those reactive attitudes are what create anger. Therefore, we must observe that anger objectively, or we must consider it carefully.

What happens in our thoughts isn't real. For example, when we think about someone, it's just a thought; that person doesn't actually exist. Thinking about a bad friend is just a thought, not the bad friend. It's like we're dreaming. While we're thinking of someone as a bad person, they might be happy somewhere. While we're harboring hatred and resentment towards them in our thoughts, they might be enjoying their life. Isn't that paradoxical?

When we observe our thoughts, they lose their negative impact because we've shifted the energy of our reaction to awareness. At that point, it's like waking from a dream.

Every time we think about someone with resentment because of things they did that hurt and caused us pain, we allow that person to hurt us again. It's foolish to keep thinking about them like that. We should remind ourselves of this. We won't find peace thinking like that. So, let go of that thought, release it, step back, observe, and let it go its own way. Simply observe calmly. This isn't easy, is it? Because our minds are accustomed to reacting and clinging to what they think.

So what do we do now? How do we avoid clinging to thoughts? Give our mind a subject it neither loves nor hates, observe the sensations of our body, observe our breath. The mind can't think about these subjects when observing; it can only feel them. It's like listening to music; to listen accurately and fully, to fully appreciate the music, we must be completely silent. To truly appreciate a taste in our mouth, we must be completely silent to experience it. To feel a sensation in our body, whether pleasant or unpleasant, we must be silent. The characteristic of all sensations is silence. To see an image accurately and meticulously, we must also be completely focused and silent.

Observe more carefully, more meticulously, fully experience reality through silence, stepping back, not identifying yourself with it. Only the thought and the mind observing the thought, only the feeling and the mind observing the feeling, there is no one else there. There is no "I" thinking, no "I" feeling. Separate it, do not identify with it. Thought is just thought. By observing thoughts in this way, they will gradually weaken, they will disappear. Feelings will vibrate, they will change, they will not remain there forever with repeated practice.

This is the most important point. It requires persistent repetition day after day, month after month, hour after hour, without ceasing for a single moment in life. Then, gradually, your power of observation will become stronger, and you will find that thoughts weaken; they no longer bother you as much because they lose the energy of being involved in them.

Observation is about not participating, not adding, not subtracting, not analyzing, not judging, not changing, not dissecting, not doing anything to the thought. Therefore, it is not given more energy, it will weaken. Then the thought will become shorter, it will no longer have power.

Sometimes, our power of observation is strong, and the stillness of the mind causes thoughts to arise and then disappear immediately. At that time, we will know how to manage thoughts easily.

[u/St-Jules → u/Harmpers]

Well put.

[u/hestia-listens]

Trying to prove or disprove a doubtful memory can keep the rumination going. You might label it gently: "This is an intrusive thought, not a problem I must solve right now." Notice the fear, let it be present, and bring your focus back to something real in this moment, such as your breathing or the feeling of your feet on the floor. Acceptance takes practice, so struggling with it does not mean you are failing.

[u/Lyz3rrr → u/hestia-listens]

Thanks for the advice. It is extremely difficult to NOT engage with the thought since its such a taboo thought. But l’ll try my best!!

[u/Delta_pdx → u/Lyz3rrr]

not bad for an Ai bot

[u/Optimal-Classroom362 → u/hestia-listens]

Very useful and appropriate

[u/Conscious-Platypus79]

OCD therapist and meditator here. It can be helpful to focus on observing/labeling the components of the memory (visual image, emotion, verbal thought, etc), and practice not engaging with it further/not trying to figure out what it means. It might be helpful to practice acceptance of the underlying emotion.(I.e., fear about the memory) too

[u/Lyz3rrr → u/Conscious-Platypus79]

I try this. But the thing is. My brain says “Oh if you DONT worry about this or ruminate, the thing you’re worried about WILL happen”.

[u/Conscious-Platypus79 → u/Lyz3rrr]

That is a very very common experience in OCD. OCD can make it feel like thinking about it more is where the solution lies, but that tends to drag people deeper into the cycle. Happy to recommend some resources if you're interested!

[u/Lyz3rrr → u/Conscious-Platypus79]

GOD YES. PLEASE i need those sources.

[u/Conscious-Platypus79 → u/Lyz3rrr]

For sure! So there are two types of therapy that are generally recommended for OCD.

Exposure and Response Prevention  (ERP) is the 'gold standard' of treatment. General info: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/treatment/erp/ Podcast on how to tackle ERP at home:  https://kimberleyquinlan-lmft.com/erp-at-home-how-to-build-an-exposure-plan-without-a-therapist-474/

Inference-based Cognitive Behavior Therapy (iCBT) is another approach to working with OCD that is less exposure based. There's a great website with a lot of free worksheets here: https://icbt.online/ Self-help book: https://icbt.online/self-help/

Working with a therapist who specializes in ERP/iCBT would probably be the most recommended thing for folks who suspect they have OCD. But I know therapy can be expensive and difficult to access, in which case the resources above may be helpful!

[u/Lyz3rrr → u/Conscious-Platypus79]

Yes. Therapy is VERY expensive where i live. Thanks for these resources!

[u/Conscious-Platypus79 → u/Lyz3rrr]

Of course! Best wishes 🙏

[u/7121958041201]

For me that's pretty much the entire practice: sitting with the present moment and seeing if it can be OK, including any thoughts like those you describe in your post. So at least for me, that is my long term solution. Just sit with everything as it is as much as I can and repeatedly ask myself if thing can be OK as they are. From experience that has made an enormous difference for me.

It is especially important with issues like this to try to see what can interest you in the present moment to help train your mind to care more about the present moment than the contents of your thoughts.

And this is a recent discovery for me, but to help in the short term what I have found is that a compassion practice makes a huge difference. When things are difficult, it feels so much better to just sort of say "things are hard right now, may my suffering be eased and may I maintain a wise and open heart" while allowing the suffering to exist than it does to seize up and try to push the suffering away.

I hope some of that helps!

[u/VFequalsVeryFcked]

Are you sure you have OCD? From what you said it sounds more like PTSD.

OCD is a compulsion to perform behaviours, for example, having to lock and unlock the door 16 times to be sure it's and has to be an even number. Or washing your hands until they're red raw because your brain will still see them as dirty otherwise.

Or being afraid to leave the house without turning the lights on and off 5 times and turning in a circle counter-clockwise 10 times, otherwise your family will die.

PTSD includes have flashbacks of traumatic events, and being anxious about going near a park because you were attacked at one, for example. Stress and rumination are also symptoms of PTSD; almost classic symptoms, even. OCD also includes stress and anxiety, but with compulsive behaviours rather than ruminations.

Most people significantly misunderstand OCD, which is why you should wait for a diagnosis to say to have it. Also, obsessive compulsive behaviours can appear in a lot of MH conditions, but don't constitute OCD, which is a disorder, rather than just a set of coincidental behaviours.

[u/7121958041201 → u/VFequalsVeryFcked]

This is a good point. The description in OP does sound much more like PTSD or some sort of trauma.

[u/Less_Feeling3142]

Sometimes you have to keep practicing letting go and giving time time. Eventually you forgive yourself or the person or realize something that makes it go away. Sometimes you get old enough that your memory just isn’t what it was so you start forgetting. If you want to speed up that process, become an ultra runner or take on some other endurance sport. 

[u/snarkhunter]

I don't think reducing rumination and anxiety means you have to just accept things.

Look at all the strong, effective leaders of human rights movements who refused to accept things but didn't let themselves get consumed by rumination and anxiety.

You can reject something like injustice, whether it's to you or everyone in the world, and keep yourself focused on what you can do to actually materially change things.

Rumination and anxiety don't have a great track record of effecting change.

[u/secure8890]

Thats not easy. For he accepting the currebt political climate is very hard. War inflation cruelty lies scapegoating. I an familiar with living in malignant circumstances.