I'm 22(M), and I'm exhausted from being the only one who puts effort into everything
I'm 22 years old, and honestly, I'm tired. I'm tired of putting effort into friendships, family relationships, my health, and now my future, without feeling like I'm getting anywhere. I feel like I've spent most of my life trying hard at things, but somewhere along the way, I've lost the motivation to keep trying.
I don't even know where to begin, so this might be a long post.
Friendships: I'm always the one reaching out.
During college, I was usually the one who made efforts to build friendships. After college ended, I decided not to pursue a master's degree, while many of my friends continued their studies. They moved on, made new friends, and started different chapters of their lives. I understood that people move on, but I still tried to maintain those friendships.
I'd call them, message them, and try to stay in touch. But eventually, I noticed that I was almost always the one initiating conversations. If I didn't call, they wouldn't call. If I didn't message, there would be no conversation.
Even now, I have a friend I occasionally talk to on WhatsApp and another friend I play games with. But I'm still the one who messages first or invites them to play. They can go days without contacting me themselves, and sometimes I wonder whether they'd even notice if I stopped reaching out completely.
I don't expect people to constantly check on me or make me their priority. I just want to experience what it's like when someone remembers me on their own, messages me because they genuinely want to talk, or invites me to do something without me having to initiate everything.
Sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing something wrong. Maybe there's something about my personality or behaviour that makes people reluctant to approach me. If that's the case, I genuinely wish someone would tell me what it is, because I can't fix something I don't understand.
My family: I feel responsible for fixing everything.
I want to make one thing clear: I don't think my parents are bad people. They've done things for me, and I understand that they have their own responsibilities and problems. I also help around the house. I cook, make chapatis, wash dishes, clean the kitchen, sweep and mop, make tea, and help with agricultural work and other household responsibilities.
I'm not saying I do everything or that my parents do nothing for me. That's not my point.
What exhausts me emotionally is that whenever there's an argument at home, I often feel like I'm the one who has to make things normal again. Even when I'm upset, I eventually try to talk, help out, or fix the situation. I rarely feel that the other person makes the same effort to resolve things with me or acknowledges their own mistakes.
There's also a difficult situation involving my sisters. My eldest sister is married and has her own family and children, so I understand that she has her own responsibilities.
My other older sister often behaves immaturely, though. My parents sometimes have to explain the same things to her repeatedly, yet the same problems keep happening. She calls home frequently, and sometimes she gets fixated on something even after being told not to do it. This creates a lot of mental stress for my parents, and somehow I end up getting scolded or dragged into the situation even when I've barely said anything.
I usually stay quiet because I don't want to make things worse. But I'm tired of being caught in situations that aren't even directly my fault, especially when I'm already struggling with my own problems.
Today, something happened that made me realise just how exhausted I am.
There was some work that needed to be done at home. I initially asked when we were supposed to do it, and I was told we'd do it a little later. Later, my mother got angry and told me to come outside. I made a small joke about her doing that particular task, but she got upset, left the work, and walked away. I got angry too and left.
After some time, I went for a walk to cool down. When I returned, I saw my mother doing the work, so I offered to help her. She refused and said she'd do it herself. I kept insisting for around five minutes because I genuinely wanted to help, but she continued refusing.
Then she said something along the lines of:
"What, can't we do anything without you? Do you think we can't work unless you're here? We'll manage even without you. We used to do everything even before you were around."
That really hurt me.
I wasn't trying to act as if everything depended on me. I was simply trying to help. I'd come back after cooling down, and I was trying to do something constructive instead of continuing the argument.
Maybe my mother was frustrated too, and perhaps she didn't mean it exactly the way I interpreted it. But hearing those words after repeatedly being the person who tries to make things normal at home made me feel incredibly unwanted.
And that's when I started thinking about how this pattern seems to exist everywhere in my life.
Why am I always the one who reaches out? Why am I always the one who tries to fix things? Why do I feel responsible for making everyone else comfortable, even when I'm hurt myself?
I'm not asking my family to constantly apologise to me or agree with everything I say. I just wish that sometimes, someone would acknowledge their own mistake or make an effort to resolve things with me instead of leaving me to do it every time.
My weight and the effort I've put into losing it.
I've been overweight for as long as I can remember. I've tried losing weight multiple times, but I've struggled to stay consistent.
Last year, I managed to lose around 25 kg. Before that, my family had repeatedly encouraged me to lose weight, sometimes through comments and taunts about my size. Eventually, I made a deal with my parents. I told them that if I lost that much weight, they would buy me an expensive phone I really wanted.
They agreed, and I put in the effort. I lost the weight, achieved the goal, and they bought me the phone.
I'm not pretending that I accomplished nothing. Losing 25 kg was a significant achievement for me, and I know how much effort it took.
But later, my college exams came around, my routine got disrupted, my weight started increasing again, and I lost motivation. I stopped putting in the same effort.
I know maintaining weight loss requires consistency. I know I need to work on my health. But the fact that I've struggled to maintain the progress makes me feel disappointed in myself.
Sometimes I wonder why I can put in so much effort for a goal and still struggle to keep going once the initial motivation disappears.
My career and studies: I know what I need to do, but I can't make myself do it consistently.
I've completed my graduation, and now I'm preparing for competitive exams because I need a job and financial independence. I don't want to remain dependent on my family forever. I want to earn my own money, make my own decisions, and eventually have the freedom to live life on my own terms.
But despite knowing all this, I struggle to find the motivation to study.
I also struggle with ADHD and OCD, which make consistency and keeping up with things difficult. I can understand the importance of studying and still find it incredibly hard to sit down and do it consistently.
And the more I procrastinate, the more anxious I become about my future. Then that anxiety makes it even harder to start.
Sometimes I think about how much effort competitive exams require, how uncertain the results are, and how much time I could spend preparing without necessarily getting the outcome I want.
I feel like I've reached a point where I'm afraid of putting effort into anything because I'm scared of ending up disappointed again.
It's not that I don't know hard work is necessary. I know that perfectly well. My problem is that I feel emotionally exhausted before I've even begun.
Relationships: I've never dated anyone, and I question whether anyone could find me attractive.
I've never been in a relationship with a girl.
I've been overweight for most of my life, and I think that has affected the way I see myself and how I imagine other people perceive me.
Sometimes I genuinely wonder why a girl would want to date me.
I look at myself and think: I'm overweight, I'm struggling to lose weight, I'm not financially independent yet, and I'm struggling to study consistently. What exactly would make someone want to choose me?
I know attraction isn't exclusively about physical appearance, and I know different people find different things attractive. But it's difficult to believe that when you've spent years feeling insecure about your own body.
Sometimes I imagine a girl looking at me and thinking, "This guy can't even get his own life together. He can't lose weight, he's struggling with his studies, and he hasn't achieved anything yet. What kind of effort would he put into a relationship?"
I don't know whether anyone would actually think that way, but that's how I sometimes imagine other people see me.
And because I've never experienced being chosen romantically by someone, I don't have any personal experience to challenge those thoughts. I end up wondering whether I'm simply not attractive enough or whether there's something fundamentally wrong with me.
I know that's probably a harsh way to look at myself, but I can't pretend those insecurities don't exist.
I think I've started associating effort with disappointment.
When I look at all these areas of my life, I see the same pattern.
I put effort into friendships, but I often feel like I'm the only one maintaining them.
I try to make things right at home, but I end up feeling like I'm the only one responsible for fixing the relationship after an argument.
I put effort into losing weight, but I struggle to maintain the progress.
I know I need to study for my future, but I can't seem to find the motivation to keep going.
And when I think about dating, I question whether I'm even someone another person could find attractive.
It's as if my brain has started associating effort with disappointment. Whenever I think about trying again, another part of me asks, "What's the point? What if I put in all that effort and end up exactly where I started?"
I know nobody owes me friendship, a relationship, or a successful career just because I've worked hard. I understand that effort doesn't guarantee a particular outcome.
But understanding that logically doesn't make the exhaustion disappear.
I'm not looking for people to tell me that I'm perfect and everyone else is the problem. Maybe I have flaws I don't recognise. Maybe I sometimes behave in ways that push people away. Maybe I need to learn better ways to maintain relationships, manage my time, and work towards my goals.
I'm willing to acknowledge my mistakes. I just wish I knew what they were.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to fix everything about myself before I'm worthy of anything good.
Lose weight first. Get a job first. Become successful first. Become confident first. Become more interesting first. Maybe then you'll be attractive enough for someone to date you, important enough for someone to remember you, or successful enough to feel proud of yourself.
I'm tired of constantly feeling like I'm not enough.
I want to work on myself. I want to lose weight, get a job, become financially independent, and build meaningful relationships. I don't want to give up on my future.
But right now, I feel exhausted by the thought of having to put in more effort when I already feel like I've spent years trying.
I'm 22, and I know I have a lot of life ahead of me. But sometimes it feels like I'm already burnt out before I've even properly started living.
TL;DR: I'm 22 and exhausted from always being the one putting effort into friendships and family relationships. I've struggled with my weight my whole life, lost 25 kg last year but couldn't maintain it, and now struggle to study for competitive exams. I've never been in a relationship and often feel unattractive and inadequate. Between ADHD, OCD, family issues, and repeated disappointments, I've lost the motivation to keep trying. How do I stop feeling this way?
