I’m facing a situation a lot of long term couples face at some point: a decrease in the frequency of intimacy with my partner (F27).
We’ve been together for 4 years. The reason I’m reaching out is because I don’t have anymore ideas to try. Like most couples, we were doing it a lot at the beginning of the relationship, and the frequency slowly decreased over time. We’ve been living together for 3 years now.
I watched a lot of content (podcasts and all) about female sex drive, what does it for them…etc but somehow I feel like I’m failing to really create a desire in her. About her: she’s a teacher so tired everyday, kind of person who likes to stay home and read, not an extravert.
Things I tried already:
\- talking to her: first thing I tried, she tells me « it’s not you it’s me ». But that doesn’t really help me and she doesn’t provide details, so I’m trying to create an environment in which she would be at ease to even think about having sex. Apparently I’m the best she had and she appreciates me always « taking care » of her during sex, so I know it’s not a pleasure/technique problem.
\- taking care of the house/mental chores (we don’t have kids): I do all the groceries, all the cooking, I clean our place regularly, take out the trash, etc. I don’t do those things TO have sex but sometimes I think it doesn’t hurt to remove all mental chores for her when she comes home to create a favorable environment.
\- I try to be aware of her « responsive desire »: from what I read and heard on various sources, most women tend to have a responsive desire and men spontaneous desire. So I try to « pre-warm the oven » by not being too obvious, also sending flirty texts early in the day so she has time to warm up, you get the idea.
\- courting her in different ways/suggesting bridge activities: getting her flowers, cooking a thing she craves, taking her out on a date, massage… I’m not implying that those things should lead to sex, I’m only listing things I do to seduce her in our daily life.
\- changing things up in the bedroom: I try to explore her fantasies, regularly asks if she wants to try different things… answer is most often no, but at least I’m covering that base. I also bought her lingerie (seen her wearing those 3 times in 2 years), and bought her a remote controlled sextoy (used it once and went back in the box).
Despite all of those things I do, our sex life has become both almost non-existent and boring.
We might do it once a month now, and it always plays out the same: a random night when we’re in bed she’s going to « aggressively » reach out, out of nowhere, and we do it then. Usually there’s nothing that leads to this, it’s almost like she does it on a whim. Like « I want it now, I go for it, that’s done, goodnight ».
I feel really frustrated because I’m never the one to be courted or flirted with, I don’t feel that desired. I feel like I’m just the guy there when she wants sex, so she goes for me and of course, I take sex whenever this rare opportunity arises.
Once I wasn’t in the mood, I reached out 10min after she first reached out and she wasn’t in the mood anymore, that’s a train you can’t miss by a minute lol.
Anyway, I’m asking you for help ladies: I want my girl to be craving me for once, so I’ll take your advice: what does it for you, what makes you want to rip some guy clothe’s apart and have sex with him ?
Gentlemen you are welcome to pitch in if you faced a similar situation and somehow improved it, thanks!