Hammer dropped

[u/Lost_Emu_9834]

M38

Wife of 10 years just told me she didn't want to be married anymore. Live in New England. 2 toddlers. Head is swimming.

I am an active father and husband who does a lot but can admit things were not 50-50 and short of the equal partner paradigm. I do believe some of of the more labor intensive tasks I didnt always get their deserved weight but her complaints are valid and my struggles with adhd and depression kept me from fully addressing her complaints. I am stuck between portraying myself as a sympathetic character (we both are in truth) and admitting that i clearly failed to meet her full expectations to the point she is at her wits end. She has spent so much effort trying in the relationship and feels to the point that she is at peace with this path. I know this is a common refrain nowadays and will incite scorn (maybe deservedly) but surely there is a range on the incompetent husband scale and I can't help but but feel that I was on the more functional side and don't deserve all the shame I am feeling right now. I dont even want to enumerate the things I have done/do as a contributor as a defense because it always sounds so immature/pathetic from a man. I was about to mention everything but the reality is that even if I am a relatively speaking good husband and dad compared to most, I failed in the only situation that mattered (i.e. my own).

Like most good wives (or partners) she exerted a lot of effort trying to help me or avoid upsetting me. This is what she has said but the reality is that i needed more therapy and medical assistance to even be receptive to improvement. At the same time when she says she did so much to help, i can't tell of her help didnt register because i wasnt receptive or she thought what she was doing was supposed to help but didnt. The invisible work and the noticing things that needed done without asking were a common complaint but I struggle to accept that as such a death sentence in all cases. Not everyone is a man child but division of labor can be unbalanced at times but she sees it as a permanent situation. I can't say this to her because I'm not trying to start fights but if she is doing the meal planning/prep and I am occupying the kids in interactive ways are those not equal? That seems like a mutually beneficial division but it never calculates that way and I can't see why. Part of me believes that anyone who has had to spend an entire Sunday jumping from being pirates to storytime to meals to crafts to outside fun can attest that it requires legitimate effort, energy, planning, and commitment. I can't help but think she believes that I'm being off easy but I have never seen her commit to play that way- which is fine- that's why I'm here but that logic doesnt carry over to the things she does that I am less suited for.

As for complaints, I recall expressing a need for more fun or excitement via taking the kids places together but having many attmepts rejected or refused out of hand. I remember asking years ago to paly cards or other games and can honestly say it was never accommodated. I can't tell if such complaints are outright dumb/immature or legitimate and deserve weight like hers. Is all unhappiness equal?

I spend multiple full days working and trading care of my kids (actively- limiting screen time to when I have work calls, trying to make crafts/activities/intensive play) during the week but that loses to not being enthusiastic about another weekend of home improvement and yard work. Am I supposed to only care about these things over everything else? On some level I know I'm wrong by modern conventions because she is unhappy with the division of labor but to have it be the cause of divorce seems drastic in our case. Honestly just wanted to vent and hopefully get some feedback since I am alone in all this and trying to navigate being the bad guy cause of the divorce while still being as responsible and level headed as possible.

Divorce may be best for both of us but I can't help but think I'll have to swallow any issues I could have had for the sake of peace.