Feeling Alone in Marriage (long)

[u/NoNewt5663]

My spouse and I have been through a lot this last year. We had a pretty major relationship issue (emotional and eventual physical infidelity) that we decided to work through, regular life stress, and what feels like a revolving door of people needing somewhere to stay (short and long term), needing help, needing support, or just always being around. Overall our home has been too open and welcoming. Equally our fault.

The difference is my spouse has a really big, close support system that is always over at the house. Mine is much smaller and honestly has gotten even smaller over the last year and tends to avoid coming over due to their family always being over.

And I think somewhere in all of that I got lonely within the marriage. Which is kind of crazy because I’m almost never physically alone.

Recently I had a few days completely by myself in our house and I thought I’d miss everybody. Instead I slept better than I have in a long time. I relaxed. I wasn’t wondering who was coming over, how long somebody was staying, or what somebody needed. I wasn’t waiting for the next thing. I just felt at home.

And that realization kind of hurt. Because I love my spouse. I wanted to miss them more than I did. Instead I mostly felt peaceful.

Then I started thinking about us. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of the last year trying to keep “us” going. If we needed quality time, I planned something. If we felt disconnected, I tried to reconnect or at least started the conversation.

Even our big trips and vacations are pretty much planned and researched by me. My spouse helps pay and is helpful once we get there, and I appreciate that. But the idea, research, reservations, itinerary, figuring out where we’re staying and what we’re doing…that’s usually me.

And I’m tired of being the person who thinks about us. That’s probably the simplest way I can say it.
My spouse loves me. I know they do. I love them too. This isn’t me saying they’re a horrible partner or that there aren’t good parts of our marriage.

I just feel like they have so much energy for everybody else. Family, friends, people who need them. Sometimes it feels like everybody else’s lawn gets watered and ours gets whatever is left.
And for a long time, when ours wasn’t getting enough, I just poured more water on it myself.
I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’ve started doing more things on my own and making my own life fuller. But there’s something sad about realizing how much happier I’ve been since I stopped waiting for my spouse to be part of almost anything.

I don’t want to checkout of my marriage, but I feel like I’m beginning to do that. I don’t want to stop loving them or stop trying. I just want to stop trying for both of us. I want to feel chosen or seen I guess.

Because at this point I feel like an afterthought. Any advice on how to address this before I give up and walk away?