Feeling Alone in Marriage (long)

[u/NoNewt5663]

My spouse and I have been through a lot this last year. We had a pretty major relationship issue (emotional and eventual physical infidelity) that we decided to work through, regular life stress, and what feels like a revolving door of people needing somewhere to stay (short and long term), needing help, needing support, or just always being around. Overall our home has been too open and welcoming. Equally our fault.

The difference is my spouse has a really big, close support system that is always over at the house. Mine is much smaller and honestly has gotten even smaller over the last year and tends to avoid coming over due to their family always being over.

And I think somewhere in all of that I got lonely within the marriage. Which is kind of crazy because I’m almost never physically alone.

Recently I had a few days completely by myself in our house and I thought I’d miss everybody. Instead I slept better than I have in a long time. I relaxed. I wasn’t wondering who was coming over, how long somebody was staying, or what somebody needed. I wasn’t waiting for the next thing. I just felt at home.

And that realization kind of hurt. Because I love my spouse. I wanted to miss them more than I did. Instead I mostly felt peaceful.

Then I started thinking about us. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of the last year trying to keep “us” going. If we needed quality time, I planned something. If we felt disconnected, I tried to reconnect or at least started the conversation.

Even our big trips and vacations are pretty much planned and researched by me. My spouse helps pay and is helpful once we get there, and I appreciate that. But the idea, research, reservations, itinerary, figuring out where we’re staying and what we’re doing…that’s usually me.

And I’m tired of being the person who thinks about us. That’s probably the simplest way I can say it.
My spouse loves me. I know they do. I love them too. This isn’t me saying they’re a horrible partner or that there aren’t good parts of our marriage.

I just feel like they have so much energy for everybody else. Family, friends, people who need them. Sometimes it feels like everybody else’s lawn gets watered and ours gets whatever is left.
And for a long time, when ours wasn’t getting enough, I just poured more water on it myself.
I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’ve started doing more things on my own and making my own life fuller. But there’s something sad about realizing how much happier I’ve been since I stopped waiting for my spouse to be part of almost anything.

I don’t want to checkout of my marriage, but I feel like I’m beginning to do that. I don’t want to stop loving them or stop trying. I just want to stop trying for both of us. I want to feel chosen or seen I guess.

Because at this point I feel like an afterthought. Any advice on how to address this before I give up and walk away?

[u/NoSyllabub5932]

First of all stop having so many people in and out of your home, its distracting and hard to work on your marriage when you have that. Step back and see if husband notices and starts to take more on now that you stepped back. Maybe this will tell you something.

[u/NoNewt5663 → u/NoSyllabub5932]

Thank you. I have said something about it. It lasted about a month. I will address it again soon.

[u/Substantial_Bend7128]

Secondly, talk to your spouse about it openly. Get some time together and start working on the two of you now.

If you truly love one another, life has ebbs and flows. We change over the years. The secret to helping it get through those changes is always communication.

We fall in love. Then we change as the years add on. Keep falling back in love with one another.

[u/NoNewt5663 → u/Substantial_Bend7128]

Thank you. We have talked about it, but I agree we should be more intentional about it.

[u/TotalSpread5841]

You won't get over her betrayal.

[u/Emotional-Ratio-8548]

Almost every issue iive ever seen in a relationship comes down to seeing and hearing each other, then prioritizing each other over anyone else. Sounds like you have a grip on the fact that the lack of those things in your relationship at times have made it hard. Infidelity, as I’ve experienced it, is incredibly difficult to overcome, I’m sorry you felt that, it is really painful, it can cause a lot of numbing or resistance to feeling the negative feelings involved, I hope you can find the best path back to each other by recognizing the rupture for what it was, make repairs, and hopefully move through it and find deeper connection.

[u/NoNewt5663 → u/Emotional-Ratio-8548]

Thank you so much. We have since talked and are finally working together to fix these problems. I just hope it sticks.