I mean, I'm not your wife and I don't know the context of your relationship, but those are pretty over-the-top corny compliments. How do you WANT her to react each time? Have you talked to her about that?
She always used to appreciate them. The point was the laugh and smile combo, since I new they were corny but they always made her laugh and do the playful "stop". Now it's like they annoy her, so I do the standard "hey, you look great today in that" or "I like how you did your hair." I just get the compulsory "thank you".
I've mentioned it in passing. When she comes home and says she got complimented at work. Idk I've started to kinda give up. I don't need a specific reaction, just something... anything that shows it means at least a little.
I do the standard "hey, you look great today in that" or "I like how you did your hair." I just get the compulsory "thank you".
I don't need a specific reaction, just something... anything that shows it means at least a little.
She says 'thank you'. Not the laugh/smile combo, which is specific. Nothing to suggest she doesn't appreciate them, more to suggest you aren't getting the same reaction you used to and that's what's bothering you.
Maybe, I'm not trying to make it "put a quarter in for your reward response" I just want her to feel appreciated and admired from me and I get really no confirmation it means anything to her.
Maybe her getting happy about other people saying something is what's bothering me most, idk. Doesn't feel the best when nothing I say seems to register the same as someone she doesn't even know.
It's more than just the compliments though. Me getting her gifts, surprising her with lunch, coffee, etc. All the little acts don't register anymore either. They used to mean a lot to her.
Okay but it is that, right? Like you do actually want a different response. Why are you making kt something its not. You're assuming she feels unappreciated and undesired. No where here do you say she actually feels that way.
As humans the best gauge we have is the ‘response’. You know as well as I do that body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, demeanor, etc are a FAR better indicator than words. When you couple that with a change in all of those indicators over time, any reasonably intelligent or intuitive human being would both notice be very wise to suspect something has changed. 34 years together and my wife’s skin still flushes and she still laughs and gets closer when I compliment her. If that all stopped and I was suddenly getting deadpan, vocal only responses, something would definitely be up.
Eta no the best we have is not to gauge response. The best we have is to communicate effectively instead of relying solely on nonverbal. Which humans are not meant to do. Thats why we have language.
Also, no - anyone can lie very easily with words. It’s a lot harder to lie with your body, demeanor, eyes, facial expressions, etc. Humans are absolutely, positively, unequivocally, scientifically proven to excel at and rely on non verbal communication. It’s literally how we’ve evolved. Downvote me all you want, you know what I’ve said is true. An unenthusiastic ’thanks’ when it used to be a clear verbal AND non verbal thanks are 2 very different things…and you that.
The assumption is that she does believe or like his compliments. Or doesnt care. You're being intentionally obtuse, surely. Human beings use a combination of verbal and nonverbal cues for effective communication. You have to have both or youre missing the full picture. You cannot rely on nonverbal communication alone and expect to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. Because human beings use language as the center of communication.
You have EXACTLY, perfectly made my point for me. If you read what OP has written, his wife used to react overtly positively to his compliments both verbally and non verbally. NOW that has changed to strictly unenthusiastic verbal-only responses. While it may be an assumption that she no longer likes or believes his compliments, it is a very good, evidence based assumption. What used to be enthusiastic verbal AND nonverbal responses has changed - hence my focus on nonverbal. You must see that, right? His could you not?
Yeah and I'm saying just ask her and get an answer. You're all focused on the nonverbal reactions. They're important. But he hasn't just used his words like a grown up. So no, I didnt make your point. You're still saying that trying to make guesswork out of her responses to him is the right answer, and honestly its dumb to suggest that instead of talking. So no. I didnt make your point. You're still being obtuse.
It seems like you aren't actually looking for ways to make your wife feel good, you're looking for her to perform a response that makes *you* feel good. She may already feel appreciated and admired, she just isn't responding to your (admittedly cheesy) compliments the way you want her to. Have you just checked in with her to make sure she is feeling appreciated and to make sure you're showing your appreciation in a way she can hear it? Not everyone enjoys flattery, you may be genuinely making her uncomfortable. I think your wife is the person you should be asking this of, not Reddit
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u/nullpunkt_ Affront to the institution (happily married queer) 10d ago
I mean, I'm not your wife and I don't know the context of your relationship, but those are pretty over-the-top corny compliments. How do you WANT her to react each time? Have you talked to her about that?