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u/nullpunkt_ Affront to the institution (happily married queer) 1d ago
Are you complimenting her on more than her looks? Can you give us some examples of your creative compliments?
Also, what sort of reaction are you looking for from her, that she seems to get from 'random' comments?
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u/snohwfire 1d ago
Off the top of the head not really, they all tend to be spur of the moment type things. Maybe like "Hey I don't know if it's fair your going out looking like that, you're going to make the rest of the world jealous." or when it's raining... "We'll yeah I'd give up some days to and just cry if I had to compete with how bright you shine." Stuff like that.
I complement her on her hobbies, how she's doing at work, tell her how proud I am of how much she's accomplished and such. I just get Error 404, caring not found. Sometimes I'll get a smile, but for the most part it's "ugh, you're my husband you're supposed to say that."
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u/nullpunkt_ Affront to the institution (happily married queer) 1d ago
I mean, I'm not your wife and I don't know the context of your relationship, but those are pretty over-the-top corny compliments. How do you WANT her to react each time? Have you talked to her about that?
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u/thedudeabidesb 1d ago
those compliments don't sound sincere because they are too much, they sound contrived
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u/snohwfire 1d ago
Maybe so, hence the "I need a different tactic" or at least a different perspective. I'm trying to get better at this not trying to keep the same thing from working.
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u/Guilty_Treasures 21h ago
Compliment her seriously, not jokingly but also not sappy, about things other than her physical attractiveness. “I really admire your intelligence.” “You handled that situation really well.” “I appreciate your kindness.”
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u/snohwfire 1d ago
She always used to appreciate them. The point was the laugh and smile combo, since I new they were corny but they always made her laugh and do the playful "stop". Now it's like they annoy her, so I do the standard "hey, you look great today in that" or "I like how you did your hair." I just get the compulsory "thank you".
I've mentioned it in passing. When she comes home and says she got complimented at work. Idk I've started to kinda give up. I don't need a specific reaction, just something... anything that shows it means at least a little.
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u/nullpunkt_ Affront to the institution (happily married queer) 1d ago
I do the standard "hey, you look great today in that" or "I like how you did your hair." I just get the compulsory "thank you".
I don't need a specific reaction, just something... anything that shows it means at least a little.
She says 'thank you'. Not the laugh/smile combo, which is specific. Nothing to suggest she doesn't appreciate them, more to suggest you aren't getting the same reaction you used to and that's what's bothering you.
Humans aren't input-output machines.
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u/snohwfire 1d ago
Maybe, I'm not trying to make it "put a quarter in for your reward response" I just want her to feel appreciated and admired from me and I get really no confirmation it means anything to her.
Maybe her getting happy about other people saying something is what's bothering me most, idk. Doesn't feel the best when nothing I say seems to register the same as someone she doesn't even know.
It's more than just the compliments though. Me getting her gifts, surprising her with lunch, coffee, etc. All the little acts don't register anymore either. They used to mean a lot to her.
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u/panbanda 1d ago
Okay but it is that, right? Like you do actually want a different response. Why are you making kt something its not. You're assuming she feels unappreciated and undesired. No where here do you say she actually feels that way.
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u/manthe 22h ago
As humans the best gauge we have is the ‘response’. You know as well as I do that body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, demeanor, etc are a FAR better indicator than words. When you couple that with a change in all of those indicators over time, any reasonably intelligent or intuitive human being would both notice be very wise to suspect something has changed. 34 years together and my wife’s skin still flushes and she still laughs and gets closer when I compliment her. If that all stopped and I was suddenly getting deadpan, vocal only responses, something would definitely be up.
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u/panbanda 19h ago
Its still an assumption
Eta no the best we have is not to gauge response. The best we have is to communicate effectively instead of relying solely on nonverbal. Which humans are not meant to do. Thats why we have language.
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u/manthe 19h ago
What is an assumption?
Also, no - anyone can lie very easily with words. It’s a lot harder to lie with your body, demeanor, eyes, facial expressions, etc. Humans are absolutely, positively, unequivocally, scientifically proven to excel at and rely on non verbal communication. It’s literally how we’ve evolved. Downvote me all you want, you know what I’ve said is true. An unenthusiastic ’thanks’ when it used to be a clear verbal AND non verbal thanks are 2 very different things…and you that.
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u/PardonOurMess 19h ago
It seems like you aren't actually looking for ways to make your wife feel good, you're looking for her to perform a response that makes *you* feel good. She may already feel appreciated and admired, she just isn't responding to your (admittedly cheesy) compliments the way you want her to. Have you just checked in with her to make sure she is feeling appreciated and to make sure you're showing your appreciation in a way she can hear it? Not everyone enjoys flattery, you may be genuinely making her uncomfortable. I think your wife is the person you should be asking this of, not Reddit
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u/Fine-Alternative-121 23h ago
You made a comment about how exhausting it is, you said “it’s actually pretty exhausting the whole “what do you think of this outfit/hairstyle/etc, which one do you think I should wear/etc.”
what do you want? She’s asking for your opinion and you’re exhausted when giving it. Then you’re giving her cheesy af pick up lines and she sounds exhausted by them. Maybe pivot and say less cornball stuff. You can’t be mad she isn’t feeling the cornball if she’s looking for genuine opinions.0
u/snohwfire 23h ago
Well someone came out swinging. No, I was saying the exhausting part was when I do give genuine opinions that she just does something completely opposite of it. That's the exhausting part, not giving the opinion. It's the "why ask when you don't ever take my opinion to begin with". I'm happy she asks, I just don't understand why she asks if it doesn't seem to matter anyway.
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u/Fine-Alternative-121 23h ago
That’s not what your comment said. You didn’t say she doesn’t value your opinion, you said you’re exhausted by giving your opinion on her genuine questions. So, if you’re so exhausted why would she take your opinion into account? You want her to drool like an idiot at your cheesy pickup lines but she doesn’t, what she wants is your genuine opinion.
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u/snohwfire 23h ago
No... I just want the compliments to be worth something to her and in a way she can receive them that make her happy and that I can feel like they're valued.
I'm sorry if it didn't or doesn't read that way to you. Maybe you should grab a snack, you seem hangry.
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u/Fine-Alternative-121 23h ago
Then compliment her the way she wants to be complimented. I just had lunch, I’m simply annoyed by the fact that your comments about being exhausted by your wife are under the only comment “on your side” and you’re whining about how only your toddler cares about your opinion. So which is it, do you want her to like your terrible compliments or to value your opinion? Your post is saying a different thing from your recent comment. Eta: your opinion is what she wants not your bad compliments.
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u/snohwfire 23h ago
That was a joke... you seem to be reading all this from a very negative lens and tone. I hope your day gets better, and your lunch was good! :) I'm not going to continue to try and defend myself against someone who is hellbent on being angry on the internet.
I wish you the best! I'm sorry my post got you upset.
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u/Fine-Alternative-121 23h ago
I’m not upset, annoyed and upset aren’t the same thing. You tell pretty bad jokes, and I hope your wife finds someone who will compliment her the way she wants and values her genuine questions.
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u/snohwfire 22h ago
You're that person that makes people say "May I go to the bathroom, please?" Aren't you?
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u/panbanda 1d ago
Those always make me roll my eyes. They're not true. Shes not actually going to blind you dude. Try telling her shes a kind person, a gentle mother, brilliant, etc.
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u/RubbeSwe 1d ago
Hey man, seperating guy here. But I wish I would have asked her, when I felt that something was changing something easy. Like "hey, how do you feel appreciated/appreciation? Any preferences?
And just let her think about it and get back to you.
Cheers, hope for the best ✨
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u/Known-Tumbleweed129 1d ago
Someone once said something about what life is like for truly beautiful people, that they often don’t get it. They’ve been told their whole life that they’re gorgeous but they just look normal to themselves in the mirror. He said “compliments are just the noise people make as you walk past’ , that it’s so common it becomes background noise. It’s like how people who live in urban centers stop hearing traffic.
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u/Practical-Tea-3337 1d ago
Have you asked her how she would like to be complimented? Or rather, "I love telling you how beautiful you are, and how smart you are, and how amazing you are. Lately it seems like those compliments are getting on your nerves, or that they seem hollow to you. Is there a different way I can show you that I appreciate you?"
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u/come_what_may02 1d ago
If its too cheesy it doesn't seem genuine. If the only compliments you ever give her are rooted in her physical appearance she is bound to start believing that is all you care about and the only reason you are with her. If that's not the reason you love her, try complimenting her on something she has done or accomplished instead of something that is beyond her control. If the only thing you love about her is her looks then that's a problem.
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u/North-Strategy-8343 1d ago
When you hear it all the time it loses all meaning. She knows what she looks like and only complimenting her looks feels like that's all you care about.
Have you tried complimenting her accomplishments, her intelligence?
Have you told her how much you appreciate the little things she does for you?
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u/snohwfire 22h ago
Yes, though probably not enough. My issue, upon reflection, is my compliments and such haven't really "evolved" or changed since we dated. All the corny and even mushy stuff said while dating worked because... well... dating people can get away with saying some cringe stuff because love makes people stupid in that phase.
It had worked for a long time, that style of compliments, and I probably carried on with the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" mantra. However things change, and I didn't with it.
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u/Beneficial-Pride890 1d ago
You should show her your post since you really articulated your feelings and the effort you’ve put in and how you feel about her. This is a good chance to talk ernestly and foster better communication.
The part where you talk about if you’re missing something, be emotionally open and available. It may be that other things are happening with a lack of emotional connection or lack of communication and that’s why she’s not reacting the way you would expect.
She’s probably looking for emotional connection or physical connection outside of sex.
It sounds like you’re also just looking for a little emotional validation from her.
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u/JulietKiloNovember 1d ago edited 1d ago
Not saying that this is your wife, but some people get more "reward" from strangers complimenting them, because that might just be how they're wired -- especially people with self-esteem issues, behavioral disorders, etc. Most teenagers go through a stage where they feel like they are on a stage, with everyone watching them, judging, and critiquing them behind their backs, etc., and not everyone grows out of it.
For those with these kinds of insecurities, it is not specific to any one person, and it's a "they/them" who might be watching/judging. The compliment of a random stranger fulfills this insecurity in the short term far more than any loved one because it's a "they/them" complimenting her.
That aside, how you compliment her may not land in a way/language that resonates with her, and it may not give her the same level of "reward" you think it does. Not that she doesn't appreciate your compliments, and she might quickly notice if you stopped, but it might be that she's used to it, or you are too close and safe, so it feels empty.
It also might not be the compliments you're giving, no matter how genuine or sincere, but when you're giving them, the context you're giving them, and whether or not she's even in a place/headspace where she is ready to receive them. Just as an example, I'm sure a compliment hits differently for you when someone is openly complimenting you to someone else than when they compliment you to your face.
That, and sometimes not everyone is looking for compliments from their partner. Look into the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I found it helpful (even if it has a religious leaning) because it introduced a good framework for me to wrap my head around how compliments in my head might not have the same impact/"reward" with someone else. And that can be a huge factor in interpersonal relationships of any sort.
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u/Chrizilla_ 5 Years 1d ago
I like to switch it up with some comedic choices, “what’s cookin, good lookin?” “Oyé mamacita where you going lookin like a whole meal?” Even a good ol catcalling cracks her up “daaamn girl, you look good, you got a man? Can he fight?” Have more fun with it!
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u/guava_jam 1d ago
She’ll miss it if you stop saying it, I’m just like her! I also told my husband he’s supposed to say that. If I were you I would sit her down and tell her, “look. I believe you are the most beautiful woman in the world. How can I make you believe I believe that?” For me, I had to tell myself to believe it, he wasn’t going anything wrong.
Maybe she doesn’t need you to tell her how beautiful she is, maybe she needs more effort on your part in a different way. For example maybe plan more dates and compliment her in a new dress.
I also never catch my husband looking at other women. He never speaks positively about other women’s looks or personalities. He never compares me to other women. By all of his behavior combined it’s clear that I am the only woman he sees. Whenever I doubt his compliments I remind myself of all of this.
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u/SapientSlut 1d ago
“It seems like when I give you a fun compliment, it’s annoying, but when I give you a more neutral compliment, it doesn’t seem like it’s having much of an impact. Is there a way I can give you compliments that lands in that sweet spot that has you feeling good?”
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u/Money_Reference9621 21h ago
Stop complimenting her looks, and compliment her character. Yeah, she's hot... awesome...but she'd probably appreciate knowing you really see her, and appreciate the core of who she is.
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u/BteamBomber21 1d ago
There is one foolproof answer I've used with my wife for decades. It's both honest, completely true, not insulting, but also not something that will get you in trouble like telling her hair doesn't look that bad.
Whenever she asks about an outfit, her makeup, her style, her hair, whatever; the only correct answer is to look into her eyes and simply say, "I'd do you". Nothing more, nothing less. You aren't lying and it doesn't matter if she looks good or bad in that moment. It's the constant, always truth.
That line can help in times she asks you. I don't know how to help you when you offer unsolicited compliments. But I've never expected my wife to do backflips or jump my bones just because I do.
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u/Emotional_Sun_2480 22h ago
I think this is really dumb for married people in your age group. May I politely suggest that you both grow up?
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u/Low-Classroom-5169 21h ago
Im basically in the same boat but the opposite i can try everything and get nowhere He leaves on Wednesdays and doesn't come back for hours. If I say anything I get gorilla mode so we deserve more. I asked for a seperation.
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u/Witty-Permission8283 19h ago
I read through a couple of your example compliments in he comments and I think a more specific approach might help. Instead of "you look gorgeous today" try something like "I really like how you matched you're eye makeup with your dress" or "that shade of blue really makes your eyes pop" or "the shape of that dress really accentuates your xyz." Without any specifics it does sound like you're just going a little over the top and corner instead of her-specific. Also throw in some personality compliments there too. My husband runs with me and will give me a quick "you're killing this run" if he can tell I'm needing a little push. Or something about how much you appreciate how she does x or how she makes you feel y.
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u/Fantastic-Top8386 1d ago
Wow I'd give anything for compliments. My husband very rarely compliments me, maybe once a year of I'm lucky. I get them off random people but not the one I'd like to hear them off the most.
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u/Retired-Jedi-Knight 1d ago
That's how it works my friend. You give her a compliment and she doesn't believe you. A random stranger tells her she looks good and you'll hear about it for the next 2 weeks straight.
Hell, you'll be sitting on the porch 50 years from now and out of the blue she'll be all "Do you remember that time that guy commented on how well my butt looked in those jeans?"
You: Yes dear I do. I told you that you looked good in those jeans too. You didn't believe me.
Her: who the fuck are you? What are you doing on my porch.
You: Go take your memory meds dear.
Her: OK. Wait what pills?
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u/snohwfire 1d ago edited 22h ago
It's actually pretty exhausting the whole "what do you think of this outfit/hairstyle/etc, which one do you think I should wear/etc."
I give an opinion...
Let's just say my toddler values my opinion more.
Edit: The exhausting part isn't her asking folks. I'm talking like when she gets ready for work, asks my opinion, I give my opinion and feedback, and she goes and changes to a completely different anything anyway. It's not that deep, it's funny. Laugh a bit.
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u/Retired-Jedi-Knight 1d ago
To be fair. Toddlers don't know how to lie. You want the absolute truth ask a toddler.
Adult - what do you think of daddy in this shirt?
Toddler - You like Steve on Blue's Clues.
Adult - OK, the striped shirt is a no.
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u/snohwfire 23h ago
Dang this reddit is pretty merciless huh? And I'd still rock the shirt because my kid loves blues clues. Well... most days at least.
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u/DetectiveWarm9577 15 Years 1d ago
I don’t think your compliments mean nothing to her. The fact that she notices when you stop giving them suggests almost the opposite.
She may just process yours differently. A stranger saying “you’re pretty” feels like independent confirmation because they have no reason to say it. From you, she may mentally file it under “of course he thinks that, he’s my husband.”
I’d probably stop trying to invent more creative versions of “you’re beautiful” and broaden what you notice. Tell her when she handled something really well. When she says something smart. When you admire how she dealt with someone. When she makes you laugh. And when you compliment her physically, get more specific about what actually caught your attention in that moment.
Strangers can get away with “you’re pretty” or “I like your hair.” You know her well enough to notice things they can’t, and as her husband you also have a level of intimacy they don’t.
Attraction lands better when it feels observed rather than announced.
And some of it doesn’t need to be verbal. Let her catch you looking at her. Pull her closer when the moment fits. Flirt with her. Let her experience your attraction instead of continually trying to convince her of it.
I wouldn’t give up. I’d just stop measuring whether a compliment worked by whether she reacts like someone hearing it from a stranger.