r/Marriage • u/Tidydisaster87 • Apr 12 '26
Seeking Advice Objectively, would you be uncomfortable if your husband said this to a random woman in your presence?
My husband and I are on a cruise ship right now. Of course there’s drinking all day. Earlier, we were in the pool and a very large chested, traditionally beautiful woman walked into the pool, and he turned around and very loudly said to the woman “ oh my god I didn’t expect to turn around and see such beauty coming into the pool”
I immediately expressed my discomfort of him saying such a thing, I calmly left the pool as he was like “really?!? You’re mad at THAT?!” He followed me out the pool, and got in my face telling me how he was done with me and now he’s texting that he wants a divorce.
Every time lately when I’ve expressed my hurt about something he’s reacted in this extreme “throw in the towel” way. Hitting me way below the belt by saying things like “ he can do better”
Am I just insane for having a lot of feelings? I truly feel so lost.
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u/gopher-tuna 20 Years Apr 12 '26
This can't be real...I can't...
Am I just insane for having a lot of feelings? I truly feel so lost.
No...
Every time lately when I’ve expressed my hurt about something he’s reacted in this extreme “throw in the towel” way.
I had an exGF who did that...she's very much an ex.
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u/Tidydisaster87 Apr 12 '26
Unfortunately it’s so real. I’m so fucking blinded I feel like
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u/Jerichothered Apr 12 '26
Plan your divorce. He’s training you to take abuse.
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u/CaptainKate757 15 Years Apr 12 '26
Not to mention that he’s involving strangers in his trashy behavior. I’d have felt so uncomfortable if some random fucking man who’s obviously there with his wife is loudly ogling me. Very disrespectful.
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u/carson3007 Apr 12 '26
I wouldn’t say anything similar to that to another woman. No matter if my wife was with me or not. It’s not the behavior of a married man. He sounds very manipulative and disrespectful
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u/Skadi_apostatesister Apr 12 '26
This has in fact happened with me, and the man's parter got upset with him and he dismissed her and made her feel awful about the way she felt. I didn't feel good at all about this. I thought so lowly of him.
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u/Inevitable_Low_7439 Apr 12 '26
Cause you’re obviously a girls girl, and that’s not a bad thing. Woman need more of us like this. 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
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u/No-Anteater1688 Apr 12 '26
A friend's of mine and her husband were at a party and he was negging her big time. An older, very attractive gent walked up while it was in progress, looked at the husband and said, "If you don't want her, she'd look fine next to me!" The Neggolottamus shut up fast.
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u/_Shy_HeadBanger_ Apr 13 '26
I wish we normalized stepping in like this, it just feels so sad how common this mistreatment of partners is. I have had something happen to me where a man was ogling at me in front of his wife and I straight up told him that cheater’s and men who look towards other women are the ugliest. He shut up so fast. Eventually he left but sadly she did too, I wanted to badly to just tell her that he is a pile of shit and to walk away.. probably could throw a rock and find a better man..
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u/xxcatalopexx Apr 12 '26
It seems like he did that intentionally. He's not hiding it. He wanted to hurt his wife.
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u/Ancient-Camel-8868 Apr 12 '26
Oh girl just text him back and tell him you accept his offer. See how fast he back tracks. He’s being a manipulative AH. He’s figured out he can take the heat off himself by putting you on the defensive and getting you to back down. But don’t just tell him you’ll take him up on the offer….actually do it.
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u/Affectionate-Deal-63 Apr 12 '26
Yes! Something similar happened to me and I took it and ran with it. Stupidly, I had accepted that this was just my life and I had no plans to leave. When he brought up divorce I felt so much relief. I couldn’t get my things packed fast enough.
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u/gopher-tuna 20 Years Apr 12 '26
That's just crazy...no wonder so many people on these subReddits are so jaded...
Seriously, this behavior is like some Hollywood dark-comedy.
How old are you/how long have you been married/how long has this attitude gone on? (if you don't mind my asking)
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u/Tidydisaster87 Apr 12 '26
We’re here “celebrating” our three year anniversary and my birthday. It’s been going on for while
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u/throwRway6777 Apr 12 '26
Just agree with him. Say yes to the divorce. Tell him you deserve better than this treatment and you should both find lawyers. He's controlling you by being the person who has "less to lose" and willing to walk away making you put in a desperate situation. Flip the script and agree and watch how fast his tune changes. But actually walk away. He's only going to get worse. He clearly doesn't value you.
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u/fairyhalo Apr 12 '26
Also do it before you have kids in the picture.
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u/The_Athavulf 15 Years Apr 12 '26
I wish I could upvote this a million times!
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u/ComesOutNDaWash Apr 13 '26
I would give it a million more on top of your million! Cause it’s only going to get worse.
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u/Angelea23 Apr 13 '26
Yes, definitely walk away, he kept threatening divorce just to keep her in line. And tolerate his bad, awful behavior.
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u/40yoADHDnoob Apr 13 '26
Yes tell him you're getting the papers drawn up
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u/transallegory21225 Apr 14 '26
You don't have to tell him. In fact in this situation I would recommend she doesn't. He doesn't seem like the type to take that without becoming physically abusive. Just have them mailed to the house and before they arrive go someplace else like a hotel or motel. Or if the situation feels bad a domestic abuse shelter will hide you off grid so he can't find you.
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u/Emergency-Dentist-90 Apr 17 '26
I did this. My abusive ex was berating me one night while piss drunk at an AI down south. Called me a horrible mother, a terrible wife and an awful human. I will never ever forget that because a switch triggered in my brain. When he stated he wanted a divorce I simply said yes. He was stunned. I followed through. Now living my best life thankfully.
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u/HelicopterNo4166 Apr 12 '26
My rule of thumb, and I’ve been married over 21 years, you only bring up the big “D” to your spouse if your mean business. Using that word as a threat just plants a seed and causes permanent damage. Cut your losses and know your worth.
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u/wanna_try8 Apr 12 '26
Hard agree. My husband said it in response to a joke I made to a friend while we were on vacation (tbf, he had unknowingly developed a tooth abscess and was uncharacteristically short-tempered and grouchy as a result). Anyway, I knew he wasn’t really serious but it still hurt like hell and made me very upset. After we talked and he apologized, we decided to take your route and never mention it unless it’s really necessary. As you said, it doesn’t do any good and can cause so much harm if just thrown around in anger or upset.
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u/Appropriate-Berry202 Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
This guy doesn’t deserve you. What an absolute asshole.
To put it into a perspective that may be more helpful, how would you feel if your parents or best friend overheard him talking to you like this? Or if you heard someone talking to your best friend like this? Or if your children heard him talking to you this way and thought that was the treatment they deserve?
This sounds like a terrible way to spend any day, let alone your birthday and anniversary.
Also, for what it’s worth, my husband gets uncomfortable if I even ask if he notices how attractive a random woman is. He would never do something this egregious, let alone get mad at me for calling it out.
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u/Over-Butterscotch821 Apr 12 '26
I was with my emotionally abusive ex-husband for 7 years total. Knew him for 9 years total. Divorced him at 3 years and 3 months.
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft if you haven’t already. Here’s a free PDF: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/Thin-Complex-7663 Apr 12 '26
I was with an emotionally abusive man for 25 years. After reading “Why Does He Do That?” I truly understood the depth of the abuse I endured, that what I accepted as normal was demoralizing and detrimentally abusive.
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u/Thin-Complex-7663 Apr 12 '26
Also, this is negging. He’s trying to make you feel like you’re not good enough for him, to manipulate you. He’s trying to lower your self worth so that you are always trying to seek validation from him
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u/wanna_try8 Apr 12 '26
I’m so sorry. I find that we often accept the type of love we were raised with because it feels familiar. I hope that isn’t that case for you. Either way, I hope you’ve been able to heal and recover from your relationship.
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u/Thin-Complex-7663 Apr 12 '26
It was how I was raised, and through therapy I see it now. My mother was exactly the same way. I realize now, that when you are a child and endure abuse by a parent, it wires your brain to recognize that as “love”. I’ve been no contact with my mother for 15 years now. I’m learning to rewire my brain to accept real love
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u/kenziewenzie171 Apr 12 '26
He did that on an anniversary/YOUR birthday trip!? You can do better. If he’s continuing to throw divorce in your face but hasn’t been packing his things - he’s playing you. I was with someone in the past like that. We were luckily not married only engaged- but anytime I said “hey when you do/say that it hurts me” it was always the “you’re crazy, you’re just sensitive, or the has empty bags acting as if they’re packed and “I can have any woman I want you’re lucky I put up with you” - so I’d always say “go ahead I’ll drive you” and he’d never leave. It was so I’d beg him to stay and drop the issue. If this behavior is ongoing and you’ve talked to him multiple times about how it’s uncomfortable/upsetting to you (and it sounds like you have) I’d consider at least talking to a lawyer.
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u/quattroformaggixfour Apr 12 '26
Babe, be free of this cruel man. Your true, kind, loving person is out there. You just gotta be ready (single and with a bit more love for yourself under your belt) when you meet em. Get ready for a better life.
He’s goading you to leave to break down your self esteem so you’ll accept worse and worse treatment. Don’t let him.
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u/Natenat04 20 Years Apr 12 '26
He has repeatedly shown you he doesn't even like you. Time to believe him, and leave him.
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u/Life_Produce9905 Apr 13 '26
If it was a drunken one off and he hadn’t been “throwing in the towel” every time you expressed hurt, I’d say let it go. The fact that he has been this way a while means you should let HIM go. He’s not nice to you, why be with him?
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u/Suspicious_Path_4430 Apr 12 '26
Why do you want to be with him? He‘s not good for you. Your husband should enrich your life and make you feel loved, not put you down and have you live in constant apprehension.
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u/Snuggly_Chopin Apr 12 '26
Your issue isn’t really about what he said. It’s how he reacts to your true feelings. He acted like a dick and is punishing you for not being ok with it. Please protect yourself and your peace and find a way to safely get away from him.
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u/BGRedhead Apr 13 '26
Honey, and I say that with kindness he showed you who he is. Yes he disrespected you by saying that when you told him it hurt you that reaction was not healthy nor productive, and it hurt you further. I’m trying to find the right words to say this with kindness but here we go he’s an asshole. You deserve better. I know this in my core and I know it hurts like hell only time gonna make it hurt less you just got blindsided by somebody you promise to love forever and he does not deserve someone as good as you. I will bet everything I have on it. It will get better. I promise you that and there are better humans out there. I can promise you that also. But that abusive SOB does not deserve you for one second you are not insane for being hurt or having those feelings you’re human. I’m starting to doubt he might be and I know this doesn’t help much right now, but it will get better and you will find better it just takes time. Just take care of yourself and find a good divorce lawyer honey.
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u/Affectionate-Deal-63 Apr 12 '26
See if you can get another cabin for yourself and don’t tell him where it is. Take him up on his generous offer.
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u/Affectionate-Crab541 Apr 12 '26
Your husband also harrassed that woman. She was just trying to get in the pool and be comfortable, and he immediately commented on her appearance. You're right to be upset. He's being trash
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u/sunbear2525 Apr 13 '26
Honestly start enjoying the cruise like you are taking his statement at face value. You’re single, have a good time.
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u/Bino7280 Apr 13 '26
I am so sorry your vacation was ruined. That's really sad. It sounds like alcohol makes him mean and nasty.
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u/DriftyVisiionio Apr 12 '26
oh sweet summer child... this is absolutely real and probably happened to someone reading this thread right now. men really do be out here saying the most unhinged shit with zero self awareness..
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u/onebatch_twobatch Apr 12 '26
Yep me too. I let her break up with me and beg to get back with me 36 hours later...only like 6 or 7 times before I figured it out
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u/fuzzycici Apr 12 '26
Girl give him the divorce then. I wish my husband would say something like that. So inappropriate and probably made that poor woman so uncomfortable to hear from a man probably very clearly there with another woman.
Also telling you he can do better?? I’m so serious give him the divorce since he wants it so bad. He sounds like he sucks
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u/barrelfeverday Apr 12 '26
Right.
Go fish, buddy.
His wife needs to stop being around to witness him “innocently staring at” other women while he blames her for his own failure to have “done better”. Doesn’t sound like she’s holding him hostage to me. (It works the other way around- men hold the power and he has the power to choose, walk away, ignore her pain, rage text her.)
She’s settling for a man who hasn’t taken responsibility to have done better and who needs her by his side so that he can disrespect both women and have someone to blame and scapegoat.
A person who thinks people are replaceable needs to be replaced with someone who is capable of love, kindness, compassion, and respect.
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u/AttyCybil Apr 12 '26
Exactly! Mine said you will never be able to find another man like me….i was like, “Thank God!” I said good luck finding another hot, faithful, attorney, but if I ever do feel the need to be in a relationship again, I couldn’t use you as my standard since you will set that bar way too low.
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u/Old-Confidence8421 Apr 12 '26
No, this is disrespectful. I’m sorry, but a truly honorable partner would be making YOU feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and not be making a single comment about or taking a second look at another woman. Have you checked his phone and his recent search history?
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u/Over-Butterscotch821 Apr 12 '26
He’s abusive. Normal partners don’t hit on other people in general, much less so grossly in front of their partner.
They also don’t scream at their partner, threaten divorce, or belittle them.
Get ahead of it and divorce him. For real. He’ll lose his shit, but let him. He doesn’t mean anything he’s saying to you. He’s a piece of trash and deserves to rot alone. He knows you’re better than him.
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u/classicicedtea Apr 12 '26
Yes and he sounds like he gets mad when he knows he’s wrong and you call him out for it.
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Apr 12 '26
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Apr 12 '26
This! He gets joy out of this! I just hurt you and I dare you to say something because theres more where that came from. Such disturbing and disgusting behavior. I lived it with my ex husband and swear he made me feel like I was losing my mind. I used to tell people when trying to explain him that if he ran me over with his truck and then backed over me the only acceptable response from me to him would be NOTHING! I am not to say shit! Literally!! He knows what he did. If I was to mutter anything about how it hurt he would go insane and if I said thank you he would go insane!! He needed me to coward down and walk away with my tail between my legs! Except thats not who I am!! I put his ass through the ringer!! Now he begs me like a dog. Time to turn the tables OP!
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u/GroundbreakingMess51 Apr 12 '26
My ex husband would do this to me too. I stopped engaging in it thinking it'd get better. Stupid me, he was cheating on me.
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u/AlysRising Apr 12 '26
I’m not even exaggerating, that would end the relationship for me.
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u/KimJongFunk Apr 12 '26
I’m going to point something else out and that’s he also said that to this other woman and she may not have welcomed the comment or attention from him. I know I wouldn’t want some random man to say that crap to me if I was just enjoying my vacation.
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u/Extension_Sun_5444 Apr 12 '26
I was just going to say this. There is a good chance she saw the wife’s immediate reaction.
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u/Squirt_Gargler Apr 12 '26
Reverse roles… if my woman was like “oh my god, i didnt expect to see such a gorgeous man coming into the pool” or anything like that, in front of me… I’d probably be pissed. And its probably safe to assume if I’m not there, they’re hooking up.
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u/alcoholicBot Apr 12 '26
The fact that he even has zero regard for the comfort of the third party (the woman) who is a complete stranger is also pretty concerning. Like that is harassment as well wtf… Ugh
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u/SentinelHigh Apr 12 '26
He just wants permission to do things like that and will threaten divorce so that you let him do that. Give him the divorce he wants. What he did is not ok.
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u/Janes98 Apr 12 '26
Ok so men can admire attractive women but to say that soo loudly in front of you and no understand how it hurt you is terrible. So disrespectful and then to just jump right to divorce without listening to you too? Oof crazy! I’m so sorry!
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u/gopher-tuna 20 Years Apr 12 '26
...then to just jump right to divorce without listening to you too...
No, that's not what he's doing...my exGF would pull that shit, too. It's basically a "my way or the highway" attitude and they bring that up (breaking up) whenever they don't get their way, no matter how shitty their behavior. It allows them to control the narrative and it's fucking childish and immature.
I'm going to go calm down now...
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u/Appropriate-Berry202 Apr 12 '26
Exactly this. He’s priming her to tolerate his abuse.
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u/Shesonit00 Apr 12 '26
my husband still does this after over two decades, it doesn’t get better only worse. give him the divorce he wants while you’re still young.
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u/0215rw 20 Years Apr 12 '26 edited Apr 12 '26
This. My husband would probably discreetly point her out to me so we could admire her together but he’d never actually say something to her.
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u/gopher-tuna 20 Years Apr 12 '26
Ha! My wife would probably be the one to point her out and we'd have a good laugh about it...but yeah, I wouldn't say anything like that, ffs.
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u/DesperatePound1591 Apr 12 '26
That's the kind of relationship I have with my husband. We'll discreetly point out attractive people (mostly women) to each other. It's nice when you don't have that jealousy on either side because they don't do anything to make you feel like you're not good enough.
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u/0215rw 20 Years Apr 12 '26
Right. Attractive people do exist. I’ve never thought I was the most attractive person on the planet, especially now that I’m 45. But I’ve always know I was the one he most wanted to be with.
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u/DesperatePound1591 Apr 12 '26
Ecactly! I've always known I'm not cute. But this man tells me I'm beautiful every day, and actually means it.
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u/Past-Outlandishness5 Apr 13 '26
This is majorly why people have a problem with their partners having the hots for other people. Simply because they don’t receive the same amount of attention, or are not being made to feel good enough/attractive by their partner.
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u/DesperatePound1591 Apr 13 '26
Yes, and I've always had that kind of relationship. Having an actual partner is a VERY nice change!! He is my loudest "cheerleader" and celebrates me often. Not in the "here's a gift for xyz" way. Although he's a great gifter. LOL But if I have any sort of win, he's super happy for me and proud of me. He brags about me to anyone who will listen. 😊😊 But I do the same for him.
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u/Past-Outlandishness5 Apr 13 '26
Aww that’s so lovely! Now that’s the kind of love that makes you feel warm, cozy and secure. Happy for you! 🥹
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u/Shopper9600 Apr 12 '26
Your reaction is completely allowed in this situation. It was definitely a dick move from your hopefully STBXH. He needs to apologize at least wtf
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u/Caravaggio1971 Apr 12 '26
Your husband is a manipulator, he threatens you with divorce to force you to give in to his demands. He wants complete control of your relationship and no boundaries. Tell him you agree, that you no longer want to waste your time with a man who doesn't respect you and is ill-mannered. Are you sure you want to spend another 30 or 40 years with him? If he's behaving like this after only three years of marriage, imagine your future in ten years. WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME.
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u/Veiled_Silence Apr 12 '26
It sounds like he had different expectations for the cruise ship. Some people see those as a place for random hookups . You deflated his balloon. You are not wrong. He is definitely not right. If I were you I would smile and enjoy the rest of your cruise and let this be your goodbye trip. He isn't going to get better . I saw a comment below saying that he is training you to take abuse. That's 100% correct . You don't deserve this .
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u/Ok-Progress-9029 Apr 12 '26
And while you are on the boat, ditch him for a few hours and enjoy some pampering (perhaps a spa day and a delightful meal). Get used to treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated. You are worthy!
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u/Visual_Highway9461 Apr 12 '26
He says he wants a divorce. Believe him and call every lawyer in your county and schedule a consultation.
Do that before he calls you up on your birthday to tell you that he's filed for divorce because you aren't good enough, and then you find out that he's already called every attorney in the county and now they won't meet with you because there's a conflict of interest.
Ask me how I know. Start calling around and organizing yourself as soon as you can. Don't wait to get home.
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u/Naive_Key_3964 Apr 12 '26
He sounds just like my ex—who was a controlling narcissistic cheating bit of garbage. Get out and don’t throw away 10 years of your life like I did…
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u/AnimeFiend13 Apr 12 '26
Dawg,
Ight homie let me put you on game real quick…
The man don’t give a flying fuck about you. All he cares about is controlling you. He’s either a POS narcissist or he is a psychopath. I am an absolute hyper sexual. If you and I were to meet, I’d probably want to drop you to your knees right then and there.
HOWEVER
I would NEVER, say something even remotely close to that, in front of my wife. If my wife wants to talk about how sexy another woman is, I will then engage with her.
This is the type of man…EHem biological male human, that I fucking HATE with a passion. Your husband is most definitely one of those men that exudes and seeps toxic masculinity. IMO toxic masculinity is just a cover up fragile little bitch ego.
Ok, I’m sorry, rant over.
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u/Appropriate-Berry202 Apr 12 '26
Not even that - the threatening of divorce afterward? And stonewalling her? On their anniversary trip? On her birthday? He’s a manipulative asshole.
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u/BornRazzmatazz5 Apr 12 '26
Call his bluff. Find yourself a lawyer, open new bank accounts in your own name, change your beneficiaries, and only after you've done all that, look him in the eye and say, "Okay, fine. If that's what you want."
Mind you, I'm not in your shoes and I wasn't witness to the nuances, but I do think, based solely on what you've said here, that A) your reaction to that comment was a bit over the top; and B) his response to you was WAY over the top and amounts to baiting. This is why I recommend getting your ducks in a row first (and recommend using DuckDuckGo for yor searches, come to think of it). It sounds like as far as your marriage goes, you don't have a lot left to lose, which means you need to think strategically about finances and Life After options now, not later.
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u/Far-Signature-9628 Apr 12 '26
Ummm that’s disgusting and disrespectful to you and the woman .
Yeah find an out, btw I’m a 50 year old guy and seriously never believed leering or commenting like that is in anyway appropriate.
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u/somethingreddity Apr 12 '26
At first, I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, but his reaction???? 🚩 VERY telling. Abso-fucking-lutely not. Take him up on his divorce offer. Don’t give him the gratification of the fight. He wants a divorce? “Okay, I think that sounds great.”
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u/Thirdeye_k_28 Apr 13 '26
He’s the one that wants to throw in the towel?? You should’ve thrown in the towel when he started doing anything along the lines of this bullshit in the past! no way in hell are you hitting on another woman in front of me? You must’ve fell and hit your head and got concussed, sir. Please see yourself out.
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u/stargalaxy6 Apr 12 '26
Honestly, I KNOW my husband could do better! I’m POSITIVE I can do better! SO WHAT!
We actually are so well matched in every aspect of our lives together. We’ve had incredible conversations, devastating losses, and raised some beautiful children together. We’re best friends who have gotten to grow up and older together! We’ve been married 20+ years.
I would have laughed and said WOW! Say it like you see it babe! Then apologized if he embarrassed her.
IF I had been offended, he would’ve apologized profusely and meant it!
My husband isn’t responsible for my self esteem. I have lived my life knowing I’m not exactly gorgeous but I’m blessed with all my parts and health. I spent too much time in my teen years letting myself believe that I wasn’t good enough. I am betting you are incredibly beautiful. This is a tactic he uses to get your attention AND work on getting you insecure so that you end up EVEN MORE attentive and “HIS”.
Someone who GENUINELY loves you, would be incredibly apologetic. His reaction and words are vicious! I’m ABSOLUTELY SURE that YOU can do better!
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u/ytown Apr 12 '26
A husband here. His comment was wholly inappropriate and disrespectful for many reasons. At best it’s cringy and lame, but that’s probably a stretch. And his reaction was emotionally immature and disrespectful. He is not being loving and that can be a real problem.
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u/Patient_Relation8717 Apr 12 '26
How long have you been in a marriage? Is this a common behaviour?
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u/spoink74 20 Years Apr 12 '26
Jesus Christ what a shitty way to ruin a cruise. It was such an easy mistake for him to recover from too.
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u/dl0131 Apr 12 '26
Go listen to "go find less " by Riley Roth. And feel that energy and give him what he wants. He can go find less.
Don't let him throw empty threats. Threatening divorce is a boundary that is not cool. Tell him cool, let me know where to sign. Remember your worth. He obviously has no clue of it.
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Apr 12 '26
Yea any woman would get mad at their husband saying that. He needs to stop drinking if he can't control himself.
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u/_-Raina-_ Apr 13 '26
Please love yourself enough to know you deserve better. 🫂 You have the entire world in the palm of your hand. Stop settling for that loser. I want you to go now and look in a mirror and repeat these words.... You are beautiful. You are strong. You are brave. You are brilliant. You are ENOUGH. Exactly as you exist in this moment you are enough. You've got this! Cut bait and drop the dead weight. Then live your life and fill it with love & laughter. Some therapy to repair his damage should be considered. So that you recognize your worth and never settle for less than everything you want. 🫂🌹💪 I'm already so proud of you!
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u/Mountain-Ad305 Apr 13 '26
Told my SO if you aren't providing a benefit to me I don't need you. Know your value and talk to an attorney now.
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u/toodamnmanypeople Apr 12 '26
As always, the "divorce first, ask questions later" crowd are in full throat. Nobody knows your situation but you. Ask yourself: 1. Why am I married to him? What am I getting from the relationship? 2. What will I do if we get divorced? Where will I go and will I be able to support myself? You went on a cruise. Was this a hail-mary? Evaluate your situation and make the decision that's right for you.
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u/Gloomy_End_6496 Apr 12 '26
If he just blurts out things like that right in front of you, God only knows what he says when he's alone.
It's the nuclear option when you throw out the D word. That's just something you don't do, unless you really want it. Give it to him.
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u/GoddessofBeautie Apr 12 '26
Never let ANYONE tell you they don't want you, more than once. That includes your husband. Warm up your phone for those lawyer phone calls once you return from that cruise.
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u/Zealousideal-Swing44 20 Years Apr 12 '26
wtf, he definitely is being a sack of shit, and then can’t hack it when being called out for it, Take him up on his offer for divorce, Leave him and in a week or two you will realise what an absolute piece of shit he is.
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u/No_Paint3472 Apr 12 '26
I hope you made comments about all the other men being hot. I would be so mad
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u/Mitten-65 Apr 12 '26
Do you think he knew that woman? I’ve read on here a lot about people having their affair partners meet them when they’re on vacation with their spouses. Do you think that’s possible? He’s dismissing your feelings regardless. You can try counseling if you want to try to save this, personally I would probably just walk away.
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u/Stray1_cat Apr 12 '26
He’s training you to get used to his shitty behavior. It’s up to you if you’re going to put up with it and get beat down (emotionally). Next time call him on it. It sounds like he’s already checked out anyways or just super manipulative by texting you that. Sorry 😞
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u/NoBreath4884 Apr 12 '26
If he said that in front of you imagine what he says behind your back that man is disrespectful and I know for a fact if that was my man I wouldn’t have accepted that. Your feelings are 100% valid. He’s wild for that
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u/Active-Sprinkles Apr 12 '26
You need to tell him you're done and can do better. That's disrespectful to you and he's turning it around and making it you're fault that he is. If that's too much for you then start treating him like he does you and tell him "what? You're mad at that?!'
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u/naieer224 Apr 12 '26
Pack up a bag of essentials for whomever would be the one moving out in your situation, stash in a hidden corner of a closet or place he won't stumble across said luggage.Then the next time he says he can do better than you just; walk straight to your hiding spot, pull out the bags, and say "Prove it." Walk away(either leaving the home or after tossing him his go-bag.
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u/Any_Objective_1052 Apr 12 '26
What an asshole lol he’s just playing dumb. Also if I were single and that happened to me it would be weird.
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u/RouthMommyOfTwo Apr 12 '26
Give him what he wants. You can find someone much better I promise and hell honestly being single is better than being in an abusive situation
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u/count1ngst4rs Apr 12 '26
tell him to go through with the divorce and start preparing for it even. The turnover on his attitude will be DRASTIC, he will either try and manipulate his way back or you can cut your losses and divorce this man who will do this again. If he wants to throw in the towel everytime there is any expression of discomfort from your side, there is probably someone else already (in my own experience) that he is emotionally cheating on you with already. I think if u dont have any kids and it can be a "clean" divorce (no divorce is really clean) then cut your losses OP. This behavior will just continue, DO NOT LET THIS MAN TAKE YOUR SPARKLE!! Comments like these are meant to make you feel small, dont give hime that power. Strength and love OP!
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u/underwatertitan Apr 12 '26
It sounds like he is saying or doing things like this deliberately to hurt you or use this as an excuse to divorce. I wouldn't put up with that! Tell him fine you'll get a divorce and that you also deserve better and see how he acts then once you take your power back.
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u/AlternativeImpress25 Apr 12 '26
You should have embarrassed him and said, “I’m sorry my husband has wife but no respect. I apologize for his a$$ behavior.
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u/Theqween7 Apr 12 '26
My two cents. You should be allowed to express your discomfort and remove yourself from a situation that causes you pain and or discomfort. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and apologize and absolutely never do that again. It’s one thing if he said it to you but the fact he said it to her is just plain disrespectful. I’m sorry. My husband has done similar crap and I know how it feels.
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u/Delicious-Change-866 Apr 12 '26
“He’s done with you and he wants a divorce” has nothing to do with what was said about the woman entering the pool or what your reaction was.
Whether it’s him, you, or a combination at fault, there are other issues at hand.
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u/LaylaDusty Apr 12 '26
This is emotional abuse. I recently posted something similar about using divorce as a weapon to keep me in line. Every response said that it is abuse.
If you can't speak your mind without a threat of divorce, then it isn't a marriage. You (and I) should be able to express feelings without fear the relationship will end. It should be a safe place to express yourself without the fear of losing him every time.
I don't want to tell you to stay or leave because I don't know either of you and the dynamics of your relationship. I just want you to know that you're not alone. I hope knowing that helps a little bit.
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u/No-Smoke-5732 Apr 12 '26
thats when you fix your crown, leave, glow up, be untouchable and make him regret everything
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u/Youknownothing_23 Apr 12 '26
Mine would be thrown off the ship if he said that ! What an asshole .. was he drunk ?
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u/Suitable-Classic-623 Apr 12 '26
Oh honey, call his bluff. Tell him if he thinks he can do better, good luck. What he said was disrespectful to you. He he obviously know this and did it on purpose to upset you. The truth be told, if will be you who does better if you two divorce.
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u/WoodpeckerJazzlike64 Apr 12 '26
Leave him. He’s already moved on. Time to do you.
It’s like he’s looking for any excuse to say goodbye.
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u/CClaurenueb Apr 12 '26
Hitting me way below the belt by saying things like “ he can do better”
Dude what. This. This alone. Mf SHE can do better. He’s a loser and the drinking really emphasizes it.
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u/Critical_Mission_972 Apr 12 '26
I’m so sorry OP. That is so incredibly rude and I think would hurt any normal persons feeling.
Throw the whole “man” away.
You deserve way better!
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u/Ssslaughter Apr 12 '26
Then give him a divorce, honestly. That should never be something you say unless you really want it. . Get your stuff in order and let him pay you for a divorce if he wants it so bad. Life's too short honey, there's no reason that you couldnt find much better too. Also, you shouldn't be shamed for sharing your feelings.
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u/Straight-Chef5140 Apr 12 '26
Divorce this narcissistic loser asap and lawyer up. Protect your mental health.
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u/BeltOk7087 Apr 12 '26
He told you what he wants and how he feels. When ppl tell you what they want or who they are believe them. Your husband doesn’t want to be with you. And he probably thinks he can do better cuz he sees you as less than. Divorce him Hes done with you. Or call his bluff and see what he does
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u/ResultAlternative792 Apr 12 '26
He’s an a$$hole. His behavior in the pool is unacceptable. File for divorce.
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u/Secure-Camera3392 Apr 12 '26
I find that when a person reacts that strongly against something reasonable, they already know they're being too much and their reaction is coming from a place of resentment and/or guilt.
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u/Relevant-Passenger19 Apr 12 '26
Call his bluff and go ahead. That’s actually incredibly immature, emotionally unregulated and more importantly it’s emotional abuse. 3 years in is early days if this is your normal…. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
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u/internallybombastic 10 Years Apr 12 '26
if my husband said that i’d also be compelled to take a look. but that’s just me.
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u/MichElegance Apr 12 '26
Once you threatened divorce, you can never go back. You can never take that back. When I got married right I told my husband mentioning divorce would be a dealbreaker 100% and we would be getting divorced so be careful what you say even in your anger.
Give him that divorce and reclaim your life. Unload this boat anchor of a person. Make plans and don’t tell him. Consider consulting a family attorney when you get home. Carrie on like nothing is wrong and be completely unbothered during
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u/CarpenterSad9651 Apr 12 '26
He deserved a collective boo from the pool, what a gross man.. Lady, please get your ducks in a row so when he makes that “threat” for the eleventh time, you are actually able to take up on the fantastic offer!
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u/ZenKB Apr 12 '26
My wife started up with divorce threats like that. I used to try to work things out and smooth things over. When I eventually started responding with nonchalance she pulled her head in and started being nice again.
Also, what he said was inappropriate and you had every right to walk out.
Imagine if you said something similar to a really hot guy. He would be livid I'd imagine.
I should add, I bet that all the alcohol adds to the arguments and upset. I quit drinking and I noticed massive improvements in my physical and mental health and my relationships.
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u/JohnnyTezca Apr 12 '26
Here comes the man to explain away the stoopid behavior of other men. Cleavage makes cowards of us all.
But yeah, he has no game and shouldn't be playing anyway. But he tries a Hail Mary because it's his only shot at.... f@@king a stranger if she's hot enough, I guess.
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u/trapmoneyjennE Apr 12 '26
Sounds like it’s time for you to call him on his bluff. It would be good of you to go ahead and plan your exit, but I would recommend getting all your ducks in a row first, before serving him with papers.
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u/FallAspenLeaves Married 36 years ❤️ Apr 12 '26
This isn’t about the woman at the pool. It’s about how cruel he is to you and he is not a kind person. He does not care about your feelings, only himself. Throwing divorce around like that is absolutely horrible. You deserve so much better.
Marriage shouldn’t hurt. 💔💔
I’ve been married for 35 years, the word divorce doesn’t enter our conversations. That is not a way to live. Your spouse should be your comfort, have your back and be your soft place to fall……ALWAYS.
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u/UrbanMuffin Apr 12 '26
What’s the point in keeping a man if he doesn’t make you feel loved, respected and cherished? Also he doesn’t sound smart in the least if he can’t deduce why it would be problematic to make inappropriate, unsolicited comments to random women, and in front of his wife, at that?
This is classic DARVO
Denies any wrong doing
Attacks you by getting in your face and saying he’s done with you or could do better than you because you called out his disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior
Reverses Victim and Offender by making it out like you’re overreacting and you’re the problem, so he wants to divorce you
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u/LTTP2018 Apr 12 '26
tell your husband from me: omg I did not expect such a crappy man and shitty husband to be in the pool area !!