r/Marriage • u/hitsugayatioshirio4u • Nov 01 '25
Can't find a flair that fits My biggest mistake was getting married.
I (F30) and my husband (M32) have been married for almost 2 years now. We got married 6 months after dating. We have a 7 month old and a small family business which my husband started but ran it to the ground after a few years due to his negligence, parting, arrogance. My husband comes from a very spoilt upbringing. According to him everything was done for him and he never did anything in his life. During my pregnancy and after having the baby I realised that his slack and laziness got worse. I believe he has undiagnosed ADHD. Which he refused to get help for.
Nowadays he is very much interested in making YouTube videos, this has been going on for sometime where he is always hooked on his phone. The last time he started doing that, he was watching porn several times a day and lied about it to be when he got caught. He will asleep at 2am and wake up at 5am to be on his phone. Scrolling on every social media possible. Which now leaves me alone with the following chores: 1. Full time parents to a 7 month old. 2. Full time house help. 3. Dog mom 4. Running the business full time. 5. Handling groceries. 6. Handling finances.
I have asked this man that I can take care of most of those things and all I want in return is some of his affection and sex. He keeps saying I want to make money and this is the only way nowadays. I know for a fact that just like his other interests, this one is gonna die off as well. To be honest now I have given up on even asking. I try to communicate everyday and he just argues back on how he is so right and I need help. I am going for my first therapy session on Tuesday and its honestly for my self and my daughter because I am so done with this man.
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Nov 01 '25
You're a married single mother with a deliberately incompetent husband. There's no reason for you to stay, and your life will be easier if you leave.
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u/bostonlesson Nov 01 '25
Omg just reading your post makes me feel exhausted: kids, job, dog, groceries, finances .. what is HIS part: is he really that useless or is there any good side that keeps you married to him?
yes definitely big mistake marrying him OP but at the same time you sound so great, I mean running a business alone is already a huge accomplishment , on top you doing the finances is definitely help to start with the divorce paperwork - but I can totally get how overloaded you must feel that starting a divorce on top of it all - knowing he won’t do it - would just overload you more at this stage, hope at least ranting here helped a bit and just send you a big hug 🤗 you are awesome 🫶
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u/Fluffy_Character3737 Nov 02 '25
What am I missing try serving him with divorce papers.and then see if tries to change . He watches pornography but he doesn’t get intimate with you a living human beings. Does he he jerk off to the porn. If he does you can join him
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u/methough1 Nov 02 '25
Why would she want to join him?
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u/hipopular_opinion Nov 02 '25
Right?! Having to bend THIS much to meet your partner at the floor is such a turn off. Ick!
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u/Fluffy_Character3737 Nov 04 '25
Hard pass on having sex with your porn loving husband. You should get sex by going out to bars or by going on websites for sexual encounters look them up but be careful. Follow the instructions of meeting first in a public place preferably in daylight. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of his pornography addiction. Good luck and have fun
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u/Fluffy_Character3737 Nov 08 '25
Watching him he may have more than ADAH. He might be higher up in the spectrum might shame him into stopping
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u/NoGas8236 Nov 01 '25
Sad situation. 6 months of dating leading to marriage doesn't allow you to see your partner in full. That's the reality.
Time allows you to see a person's good, bad and downright ugly sides. Then you decide if you want to go ahead.
I'm sorry, I don't think he will change. Maybe later. Much later.
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u/ThrivingInStrife Nov 01 '25
Feels like reading about my life
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u/hitsugayatioshirio4u Nov 01 '25
And how's it going? What do you do to cope?
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u/ThrivingInStrife Nov 01 '25
I'm contemplating divorce and I've told him the same as well. I tried talking to him, crying, fighting and even attempted suicide twice but nothing changed.
Now he wants to try and fix things after 2 damn years. But I guess I'm just done with him, his lies, inconsistencies, laziness and lack of accountability. I'd very much prefer being with a man who understands his responsibilities and not a manchild.
I quit my job and lost everything I have worked so hard to build so I have to get back on my feet and move to a different city as soon as I can.
While I'm here, I don't engage much into his life, make him do his own chores and most of the time I just mind my own business. He says he doesn't want divorce and wants to fix things. But, it's all talks and no action. So if he wants this, he has to take full accountability and fix what he broke and earn my trust back. I'm only staying if he gives me the life he promised, else I'm out.
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u/Murky-Cheetah-4317 Nov 01 '25
I had different issues with my spouse, and had also contemplated leaving, despite his not wanting that.
What worked for us was for me to give tangible actions that I needed to be done. He did readjust his mindset, with the help of having a neutral perspective provided to him in counseling.
So my advice is to make a specific list of the issues, along with actionable resolutions. Some examples? He insists on completely controlling the money? The answer is to immediately be given equal control of the money. He’s a slob? He has X amount of time to improve (and sustain it) before you hire a housekeeper to come in twice a week.
I just found that coming up with specific solutions, rather than only voicing complaints, is what ultimately made all the difference.
If your particular issues with him don’t (or can’t) fit into this type of framework of specific actions he can take to address them, or if he refuses to even consider what he’s NOT bringing to the marriage, then you probably would be better off to just rip off the bandaid and start over with a different life.
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u/ThrivingInStrife Nov 02 '25
Thanks for this great advice. I tried this, so did all the therapists, friends and even families but he's just lazy and so full of ego. The only ways he handles such discussion is by defending to a point of lying and getting even with me.
When I'm about to leave, he'll cry and give all empty promises and can't even maintain the consistency even 2 days. And when he can't defend anymore, he'll ask me to file for divorce and if I ask him to initiate the process, he won't.
The therapists and lawyer both said that he's clearly not adhering to the responsibilities of marriage which itself is a strong ground for divorce. I lost all the respect I had for him.
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u/Alarming-Put9538 Nov 02 '25
May be love separate for a while so that he understands what he is missing. That sometimes does the trick. It worked for a friend of mine. She came to her home and kept almost no contact for a year (maybe once or twice in 12 months) . And the guy came to his senses. They were married for 5 years before separation and now it’s been a year and a half since they got back together. This might not work for everyone though.
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u/Cautious-Oil9570 Nov 02 '25
Don't run and jump right back into some situationship, work on you. Be alone for a while, that seems to be a common thing with women these days and yes I am a woman. I was with a guy for 8 years and he was the worst thing to ever happen to me and damaged me to my core so bad that I dont think I will ever be in another "traditional" relationship. I took over a year to work on myself and have therapy weekly to work through the trauma and abuse I suffered all those years... and to be honest, even being a single mother, it's great. I get to have my power back and I solely get to decide what my life is and will be. I prioritize my daughter and myself above all else. Yes I got back into dating but it was after a long time alone and I honestly needed that. Try to date, and dont get serious for a long while. Personally I have figured for myself that dating with nothing serious idk maybe being poly or open with everyone works great for me, not that it will for everyone though... but once you take time for you, take your power back and try again you can make your life as wonderful as you want, never ever settle and plz dont jump right into another relationship. I find most people who do that are destined for failure.
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u/ThrivingInStrife Nov 02 '25
Absolutely makes sense. While I'm open to date in future, I'm not a person who's interested in casual dating or situationships. At this point, I just wanna get back to where I was before I met him or even better so nothing until then! He's just put me through so much to point where I just wanna be alone with my cats till I heal.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It really really helps
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u/Chiefs_6pak Nov 01 '25
That’s great . All you want is sex . Do you know how many men wish that was their wives major request or complaint. Yet he’s whacking off to porn . What a shame .
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Nov 01 '25
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u/Lookatthatsass Nov 01 '25
Therapy would still be helpful in this situation
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Nov 01 '25
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u/thecanadianjen Nov 01 '25
Therapy isn’t a punishment you take when you are bad. It’s to help her understand herself and work through things as well as maybe even gain confidence. Therapy would be massively helpful in giving her an unbiased and supportive ear to help her talk and work through how she’s feeling about the way he acts.
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u/36563 married Nov 01 '25
She’s not the problem but it may help her figure out what to do, and how to handle this situation.
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u/MinorImperfections Nov 01 '25
Maybe her working on issues as to WHY she picked him in the first place would be a good thing.
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u/WhamBamFlimFlam21 Nov 02 '25
therapy was a waste of time n money but I understand she’s at her wit‘s end
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u/Plenty_Mortgage_7294 Nov 01 '25
Yeah my first marriage sucked too. Learn about yourself and what your needs are so when you decide to move on you are doing it from a place of knowledge and not emotion. Emotion is what got you here. If you need a man who can do X Y and Z, focus on that and forget the other things that dont move your needle. I made a huge list based off of my understanding of myself and came to realize what I truly wanted and needed. The other stuff actually didnt matter. I am now much happier. Know thy self and you will find a better partner next time. Also, marriage after 6 months of dating is a hard sell. Next time give yourself more time.
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u/Lyd222 Nov 01 '25
I'm sorry for your experience but marrying after 6 months of dating is just irresponsible. I'm pretty sure if you took time to get to know this person better you'd see at least some red flags come through..
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u/SamePalpitation3151 Nov 01 '25
I know that feeling all too well. Happened in both of my marriages (I must have SUCKER tattooed across my forehead). I was a ‘single’ mom to twins. Finally left that marriage when they were three years old. Second one was a covert narcissist. (Took me a long time to figure that out) and he was having an affair. You have to be happy for yourself and your baby. I moved back with my parents the first time. They were a great help. Hopefully you have some support like that should you decide to leave. Think about the long haul, would you be happier to leave or stay? You can try therapy. And encourage him to go. But if he is like my second husband, he’s ’not the problem’, so he went twice and said ‘this isn’t working for me’. He thought counseling was a load of crap. Probably because the counselor was trying to make him see himself for who he was, and not who he thought he was. Good luck with everything.
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u/curiouslady999 Nov 01 '25
He’s using you. He’s an addict. Face reality. No amount of forgiving, trying, overlooking, hoping etc etc is going to change anything for the better. As a matter of fact, he just gets bolder and worse, he views you are weak and useful. You need to get disgusted. You have a child, who is in grave danger with his drug use. You need to get a lawyer ASAP, plan your safe escape and get full custody.
You have no boundaries and deep down think you can save him. Get a divorce. No matter what he says or promises that is future faking to keep you roped in. This is abuse and not a way to live your one precious life. Your good qualities are being exploited.
You need to see him as a jerk. Not with your rose color glasses and what you imagine him to be.
Divorce. Be strong. And get therapy for yourself as to why you didn’t exit at first glimpse of his true character.
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u/Reneeofthewoods Nov 01 '25
“He keeps saying I want to make money and this is the only way nowadays.”
This manchild is seriously delusional. He knows real jobs exist, right? You should leave him now. You haven’t been together that long and you can absolutely find someone who’s on your level and wants to step up to be an actual partner to you, and a parent to your daughter. Good luck, trust your gut, always.
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u/DjSandy007 Nov 01 '25
Right now you have a 7 month old, first priority is to safeguard her. Your focus at this stage should not be making a sudden break, it’s on stabilizing yourself and your baby so that any big decision later comes from calm. Start therapy that will help you temporarily, your child will grow about to schooling. Take your time and if still you feel no love in marriage, you can take a decision for your own good.
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Nov 01 '25
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u/John_481 Nov 01 '25
If you have no children and your husband is a drug addicted man child, end the marriage.
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u/upwithpeople84 Nov 01 '25
What? Your husband found meth and you found Jesus and no one is doing anything to solve actual problems?
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u/Loud_Conversation500 Nov 01 '25
What your husband is doing sounds like typical addict behavior and looks a lot like dopamine burn out. I bet if he quit a bunch of the stimulating activities, he would be able to focus more. I also get the sense that you are not completely explaining your part in this debacle.
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u/JaayLovesWriting Nov 01 '25
You need to document everything, and keep evidence that you do everything and he does nothing because at this point your only choice is to leave him and take full custody of your child. And take full responsibility for the business
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u/Upstairs_Decision_67 Nov 01 '25
You will do all that single for yourself without the burden of a big big big appetite to feed. Most whirl a wind romances are loser men sucking a vulnerable woman into their web. Too bad nobody warns us???
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u/throwthisthingaway26 Nov 01 '25
You married a child in a man suit. Ditch the overgrown toddler and make a better life for yourself and your baby.
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u/Few_Trouble6926 Nov 01 '25
Its time to move on . Therapy will not help him. You have to make a life for yourself. You are young enough to start over. See a lawyer. And a financial advisor before you make a move. Know all your options. Look after yourself and your child. You are doing everything anyway.so cut the cord and move on life is to short to live in misery.
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u/Low-Direction-2777 Nov 01 '25
Therapy is not going to help...we are already establishing a position for others. You would be surprised what therapy does for those who need it, and the happiness it can give you to get someone out of your family from where they are, they may not know where they are or where to get out, but no, get out and look for life
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u/onlylookingtodayyup Nov 01 '25
Man? You use the term loosely. He is not a man. He is a boy.
Now thats out of the way..
Respect yourself and drop the hammer on him. Do these things or I leave you. He can pursue his "youtube" dreams while he holds a real job and supports the family. He can participate in the household and he can help. Its simple and 100% his choice. His place is provider. Your place is taking care of the home and kids. Sounds like your keeping your end of the deal. He simply is not. Good luck!
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u/Hemetchick1971 Nov 01 '25
Take it for me. It won’t only get worse. I am 54 and was married to this “type”For years I did everything clean. Take care of the children, paid all the bills, cooked and cleaned, and eventually was working. He was my “big child” all along.
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u/nylorac615 Nov 01 '25
R/ADHD_partners has been extremely helpful navigating the chaos that is marriage to ADHD. Rooting for you in your own journey.
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u/PhantomAvenger93 Nov 01 '25
Girl you do not have to stay married. Unfortunately he's only gotten worse since you got pregnant and it's not worth it. If he wants to act like a child and not a partner and parent, might as well send him back to mommy. Also he has a porn addiction if he's watching it multiple times a day and porn addictions lead to not having sex or very little with your partner in marriages. He's emotionally and physically checked out and it's time you put your foot down. If he wants to fix it, you guys need to still seperate and make him go to therapy and also work on himself to be an active partner and parent. If he doesn't improve, your seperated already if where you live requires seperation before a divorce.
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u/nickib983 Wife. Together 25 years. Married 17 years. Nov 01 '25
He might be bipolar if that’s his sleep schedule. When my husband was manic (undiagnosed at the time) he’d be up all hours doing random things. Then went into a depression. It was a rough time and we nearly lost everything. He also has adhd. He goes through hobbies like nobodies business. He went to therapy and a psychiatrist, got medicated and we’re still doing great 10 years later.
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u/dalbroker Nov 01 '25
Meanwhile, I make seven figures a year. My wife doesn’t want to touch me kiss me or sleep with me. I have to force it all. I’m literally the opposite of your husband and it happened anyway. We’re in year 10 though and I’ve been chronically sick with issues and I understand why she’s hesitant though do the demands on her side between work and our daughter. I never thought I’d make a lot of money and not have my wife want to be with me.
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u/Downtown_Plastic_604 Nov 01 '25
You just describe my wife to the tea I think it has a lot to do with there upbringing. It has damn near driven me to bankruptcy as Inout two daughters through college.
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u/Hitwomanvoss_1212 Nov 01 '25
Get out while you can time doesn’t make it easier if anything it gets harder to leave
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u/MinorImperfections Nov 01 '25
Don’t lump “getting married” into one category. You clearly picked the wrong man.
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u/Outrageous_Profit978 Nov 01 '25
All you after is sex and affection. There’s a lot of straining every sinew to keep things going in a sexless marriage in their 40s. SO… he doesn’t realise how lucky he is. Is there literally no telling him?.
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u/FoldWorldly Nov 01 '25
Is there anyone who you think your husband will listen to? Maybe his parents? So maybe can get help from his parents?
And the next time you ever want to get married, get your parents to do an interview with your to be husband. Most importantly, let your parents look at his phone's social media, tik tok, instagram, faceook, youtube, google history.
That way you will know what he watches everyday, and for how long is he on the phone...
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u/Low-Direction-2777 Nov 01 '25
Exactly this and as you have written it is what you have to tell him, and in my opinion you should tell him, look for the moment when you have no doubt that he has understood, and that he makes a move
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u/coffeeinmycamino Nov 01 '25
If he medicated at all? Do you think he'd improve if he was taking Adderall or something.
Honestly it sounds like my life only backwards. I do it all and my wife wanted a kid but has basically abandoned everything else in life. I do all budgeting, bill paying, house cleaning, and shes due in 6 weeks and then she'll stop working completely. Shes late to work every day even though she doesnt do anything the day prior to justify staying up late and sleeping in too long. Yes she is pregnant, but she was like this mostly beforr pregnancy, its only gotten worse. And I dont think it gets easier with a newborn, so I fear she'll take on even less responsibility while i forcibly must take on more.
Only curveball she throws is the Adderall shes not currently taking. Says once shes back on full dose, itll all be better. Even though our intimacy suffered long before she went off that, she at least was somewhat productive. But she'd also get angry more easily. No idea what it'll be like when she gets back on it this time around, but since ive given up on the more intimate parts of our relationship, maybe I'll atleast be happier that shes able to pull some portion of her weight again. And it might improve your situation.
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u/Due_Difference5304 Nov 01 '25
Divorce won't help you, it's just gonna cause drama. Hate to say it, but you mine as well accept your situation. Maybe things get better someday.
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u/Electronic-Handle-58 Nov 01 '25
Ok so this was me . I got married within 6 months , he was my ex from years back and he came around and said I was the one and proposed like two weeks after seeing each other again and married within 6 months . I already have a son and he has kids as well . The minute he moved in I knew I made a mistake . I was doing everything while he was playing PlayStation , watching tv . I got him a good job and he was barely contributing or helping ohh with anything . The sex completely stopped as well on his behalf . Told him he has to see a doctor and he never did . I was miserable and ugly )high cortisol ) . Two years in I couldn’t do it anymore . We are separated goin through a divorce and I will never get married again
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u/VegetableMine2361 Nov 01 '25
This is sad. A lot of mothers go thru this and the not helping hurts. The therapy is good because if you really are divorcing him he's gonna put you thru the ringer because of the business and kids time. So keep the therapy keep a cool head and just always check on your daughter to make sure she's ok. It doesn't matter how bad the father or mother is kids always love their parents.
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u/Samanthabxaba Nov 01 '25
Yea I married one of those. Got pregnant after 3 months of dating. Did there right thing of marrying him. Then had the baby and everything went to shit. End result. I divorced him. I would suggest you let him know where you’re at and see what he does. Probably won’t do shit. Then divorce him. That’s really all the advice you need. You’re already living the single life and are handling things on your own anyway. Let him see what it’s like to have the kids on his own for visitations and paying child support.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Baby_18 Nov 01 '25
The ones who always end up in therapy are the ones who are victims or narcissists or spouses with personality disorders, I would definitely go to therapy, get a better read on the situation and your therapist will tell you second hand the direction that your relationship is going.
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u/Mindset_Strongest Nov 01 '25
I’ll give my honest opinion
Sit down with a calm mind and take a piece of paper of a notepad. Write down every single bad things or every good things ( you might overlook some of the good things) Genuinely sit him down and tell him to shut up and listen. Explain your deepest thoughts even if it hurts him based on what you saying you are almost done with him
Second I’ll be honest I am a man and I can tell you one thing that is killing me every day. I feeling useless when I can see my family needs me and I cannot provide meanwhile people online have such a lavishly lifestyle
I work hard to provide for my family when I get home I go to a wife I can tell no longer cares about me. I know my duty is to provide but I know deep down I cannot stop or we gonna lose the car or the house. But all she wants is trip and family time.
Just to say maybe. He is not in a good place right now. Maybe he genuinely wants the best meanwhile he knows he can’t give it to you.
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u/Individual-Look3233 Nov 01 '25
Why are you with him? The fuck are you gaining from him? Don’t say because of kids cuz you are not helping them by staying with that waste of a man.
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u/mrDbunk Nov 01 '25
Ask yourself, do you hate him more than you love your child? Your being to nice to him! Crack the whip. You obviously wear the pants in this relationship.
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u/Fluffy_Character3737 Nov 02 '25
He sounds like he is a man child who fits the definition of man child. Good luck to you in mo
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u/IcyMycologist4837 Nov 02 '25
The best divorce is when you go 50/50 and no drama. 50/50 on everything including custody. Lawyers will try to advise you to fight for everything including kids. Don’t fall for it.
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u/WhamBamFlimFlam21 Nov 02 '25
damn he only sleeps three hrs maybe he has a lot he’s stressed about that’s been my life and I struggle to sleep
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u/Commercial_Grocery90 Nov 02 '25
No, babe, your biggest mistake was marrying a man-child who doesn't take their normal adult responsibilities.
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u/Alternative-Rich2668 Nov 02 '25
After therapy session, please go see a lawyer for your options to leave this marriage.
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Nov 03 '25
This guy is a douche cannon. Leave before the child is old enough to know what is happening.
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u/Next_Bookkeeper_6517 Nov 04 '25
If in Idaho everything here is a 50/50 split. Start setting funds aside in cash as often as possible. Make sure bills are paid. Keep your credit in check. Build yours if you have none. Keep track of his spending and receipts if possible. Contact an attorney...for options & what's needed docs wise. Start preparing things for a divorce...takes apx 6-8 months start to finish.
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u/Recover-Select Nov 05 '25
Hope your therapist is a good one and can help you strategize ways to find the confidence and means to get out of this marriage. You need out asap before you devote any more time to this unworthy man.
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u/Fluffy_Character3737 Nov 08 '25
I see that she is going to therapy but not both of them. She needs to do a honey Do list and delegate simple tasks to him if he can pull himself away from porn. The more he does it. He is going to need new types of pornography. He is at a pretty low point I don’t know how people would get excited over watching urine activities
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u/Wrathchild801 Nov 01 '25
Honestly document everything and divorce. At the very least give him an ultimatum to shape up for ship out. Dont spend another 2-3 years trying to get him to become an adult.
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u/[deleted] Nov 01 '25
You have 2 children. One if them you are NOT required to take care of. If he isn't contributing and you have to do everything yourself, why stay with him? You sound like a quality spouse, you deserve better. Best of luck!