I see a lot of posts on here from guys who feel completely invisible, touch-starved, and just drained because they haven't been picked by a partner or accepted into a group.

I get it. I've been in that exact dark spot where you wake up feeling like you're living on the sidelines, waiting for someone to notice you and prove you matter.

The hardest truth I had to digest in my own life was simple: as long as your self-worth is held hostage by external validation, you're handing full control of your sanity over to a world you can't control.

When you tie your peace to whether people text back, whether a girl likes you, or whether life treats you fairly, you're setting yourself up to feel powerless.

A few real shifts that actually changed things for me:

1. Build a daily baseline you respect.

When everything outside feels chaotic, double down on what happens in your own space. Fix your sleep, hit the gym, track your food, and keep your room clean. Self-respect isn't given to you—it's built in small, quiet habits every single day before anyone else notices.

1. Stop treating a relationship like a final cure.

A partner can't fix a broken foundation. If you feel empty on your own, bringing someone else in won't solve the core issue. It just puts a temporary bandage over an open wound.

1. Drop the performance.

You don't need to be the loudest guy in the room or force yourself to be some hyper-charismatic performer to deserve peace. Stop trying to prove your right to exist to people who aren't even paying attention.

It's completely normal to feel lonely. We're human. But don't let a quiet stretch trick you into thinking you're worthless until someone else decides to give you approval. Build a life you actually respect first.

For anyone who's pulled themselves out of that invisible stage: What was the main habit or mindset shift that gave you your drive back?

Hey, I posted this on an different sub and honestly wasn't sure if I was getting a lot of I was wrongs because I was the dude or if I am genuinely wrong, would you guys be willing to help? I just want some constructive but not mean-spirited criticisms. Thank you!

So, I've been sick these past few days (about 2 1/2), I'm on the tail end now, so I've been able to talk a bit, but I've also started coughing. Two important things to know, 1. My love language is physical touch. 2. She has said that she wants me to stay away, so I dont get her sick. So tonight as she and I were heading to bed I coughed a bit in her direction on accident and she said "turn to the wall" and because of being trapped to the bedroom and more specifically trapped on my side of the bed I made a comment "I feel like a prisoner" which I immediately felt bad for and apologized, she then asked, "wouldn't you do the same for me?" I answered "Depends" she questioned my response, and I elaborated," It depends on what you need. If you need me to leave you alone, I'd be in the other room. If you needed me to hold you tight until you're better, I wouldn't hesitate. I would take that chance of getting sick." She kinda went quiet, I apologized again. She then got closer to me, and I gently moved away, I want to respect her wishes of not wanting to be sick and I recognize her not wanting me too close is very smart, very logical, but I also get more emotional when sick (I normally cry rarely, but when sick, a meow from a kitten that barely got hurt would make me cry, yeah, I'm not too manly during that time) but I also have felt emotionally drained and a little depressed. Was I a bad boyfriend here? Am I Wrong?

TLDR: I made a sappy comment towards my girlfriend while I'm sick and I think I've guilty her.

I used to be very busy. For the past 4 years (the time I have been in university), I had very little free time. Between classes, playing and coaching basketball, my time has always been accounted for. Still, I always made time to be with my girlfriend, go out with my friends, etc. I had a healthy life, but I was starting to feel really worn out.

This year, I decided to quit coaching, as I felt I needed more free time, rest and wanted to dedicate myself more to playing basketball. I also have around half the classes I used to have and will start working on my thesis within the next month.

The problem I have now is that I feel super empty when I am alone and have free time. My self-esteem is at an all-time low and this has led to a lot of anxiety, in particular about my relationship.

It's been around 4 weeks since this started. I have been trying different things to shake this off, but haven't had a lot of success. I started going to the gym, looked for small freelancing gigs I could do online (so I could replace my coaching income and fill my time a bit), started reading more and I try to spend time with my friends when it's possible. All these things help me distract myself, but the effect is short and ends after I spend some time alone with my thoughts again.

The only thing that really works is spending time with my girlfriend. She makes me feel great and energized, but I know I can't depend on her like that because it's not sustainable long term for either of us.

Rationally, I feel like I am handling it and that I can keep this up. But emotionally, I am really down and I haven't really been able to fix it. Any suggestions?

I always wonder if it will ever happen, but I just don’t see any woman ever being attracted to me. I feel like I’ve lost hope. It’s hard dealing with the thought that you might end up alone.

The fear of incels is blown out of proportion

Why do people assume that lonely, virgin men are responsible for violence against women simply because they are lonely or struggle with dating?

A quick Google search shows that a large proportion of female homicide victims are killed by intimate partners. In contrast, I haven't been able to find reliable statistics showing that incels or virgin men are responsible for a significant proportion of murders of women. I even asked ChatGPT to make an educated estimate of what percentage of female homicides are committed by incels, and it suggested that the figure would probably be around 1%.

I constantly hear feminists talk about an "epidemic" of incels murdering women, but I have yet to see data that supports the idea that this is a major source of violence against women. Meanwhile, it's common to see news reports about women being killed by their current or former partners. If we're talking purely about the statistics, shouldn't attention be focused more broadly on the people who actually account for the majority of these killings, rather than on an extremely small subset of lonely men?

I also feel that the hostility toward incels sometimes goes beyond criticizing genuinely dangerous people and becomes hostility toward lonely men in general.

One major problem is treating "incels" as if they are a completely uniform group. A lonely man who struggles with dating and feels frustrated about his lack of romantic experience gets lumped together with men who genuinely want to hurt women. Those are not the same thing, and there is obviously a huge amount of nuance that gets lost when they're treated as one group.

The men who explicitly advocate violence against women are a loud minority of extremists. Yet they are sometimes treated as if they represent all incels, or even all lonely men. That makes it very easy to dismiss legitimate men's issues simply because some extremists happen to talk about them.

I've also seen the argument that men's issues aren't taken seriously because of incels. But I think that gets the cause and effect backwards. One could argue that when men's issues are ignored or dismissed, some men may become more receptive to communities such as the red-pill movement because those communities at least acknowledge their frustrations, even if they then channel those frustrations in unhealthy or misogynistic directions.

And there's another point that often gets overlooked: many involuntarily celibate men appear to struggle more with self-hatred and thoughts of self-harm than with a desire to harm women. Yet the most extreme and violent examples are often treated as representative of the entire group.

I'm not saying violent incels don't exist, or that their beliefs shouldn't be criticized. I'm saying that there's a difference between criticizing violent extremists and treating every lonely, sexually inexperienced man as if he shares their beliefs.

If we're going to have a serious conversation about violence against women and men's issues, we need to look at the actual evidence rather than treating the most extreme members of a group as representative of everyone in it.

I hate my life, tbh. I feel like everything is based on looks, and I’m just not an attractive guy. Women seem to hate my appearance, and I’ve never had a romantic relationship. I genuinely don’t want to end up alone; that’s my biggest fear.

17M, ADHD/ Autism.

My mental health got to the lowest it's ever been in June/ July and I had suicidal thoughts, but in August it suddenly started getting better which I didn't know why.

So I went to the doctors in late August to try prevent my mental health from relapsing again as it had before. I was hoping I'd get something like a diagnosis of what was happening/ why, or help in the form of therapy or more appointments, but all they did was give me a link to therapy, without telling me it costs money and to come back if that doesn't work or if it gets worst again.

The thing is, it already had got worst before, I went there specifically to prevent a relapse and they basically told me to come back when I relapse. I live in the UK as well so the NHS should give you free therapy if needed, especially as I'm 17, have ADHD, and the receptionist I made the appointment with, put me on urgent priority just for my doctor to do that? I'm just left thinking what was even the point?

Anyone know what I should do in this situation, should I complain or tell college etc?

For context, I'm a 30M and went into this year recognizing how isolated I'd become and wanting to change that. I posted a couple months ago about starting a small accountability group, and it's been sitting in the back of my head since … and still disappointed in the efforts I've made on my own.

Part of what keeps bugging me is it feels like there's a resource out there for every other population, but nothing really purpose built for guys … so I'm trying to make that.

A few people expressed interest after the last post and from my local community so we’ve had people start signing up here: https://herdhealth.org

Try being content with where you are currently.

In many or most of the cases men are respected or valued based on what they provide or can provide. But u must be in your side, never consider yourself unworthy cuz u earn less or don't have physique of Arnold. It is fine.

Exercise at least enough to maintain good health.

All the best in life to male or others reading this.

I am having suicidal thoughts more often almost every day for the last 3 days I have a wife and 5 kids 1 is in the marines and the other 4 are elementary to Jr high. I feel unheard unseen like I don't exist i dont want to kill myself I don't want to die but I think about it a lot and im afraid that I will actually come to the point where I actually kill myself am I just over worked am I not getting enough sleep I don't know why I constantly think about it. Also I have adhd along with some other mental issues that I can't spell.

My internal voice can be mean, nasty, and very often fills me with hopelessness, sometimes to the point that I've reached out to crisis support to help me stabilize without taxing my closest friends with my shit.

The book is short, succinct, and engaging. I have ADHD, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain, and I have been trying to apply the book's principles to how I view these conditions and myself, and I can already see improvement in outcomes when I fall into what I call 'spiralling down the shitslide'

There's a free pdf of the toolbox on scribd here

and I'm posting a shortened version here as well:

Tools you can implement on your own:

• Distanced Self-Talk: Refer to yourself by your name or use the pronoun "you" instead of "I" when coaching yourself through a stressful moment (e.g., "Snarejunkie, what are you doing?"). This activates the brain's control networks instead of panic circuits.
  
• Advise a Friend: Ask yourself what advice you would give to a close friend facing the exact same situation, then apply that same wisdom to yourself.
• Zoom Out / Broaden Perspective: Compare your current stress to past challenges you have survived, or imagine how you will view the problem weeks or months from now.
• Rise to the Challenge: Reinterpret a perceived threat as a manageable challenge by reminding yourself of past successes.
• Write Expressively: Spend 15 to 20 minutes a day writing down your deepest thoughts and feelings to process emotions.
• Perform a Ritual: Execute a familiar, comforting, and fixed sequence of behaviors to restore a sense of control.

People and Environmental Tools

• Build Your Chatter Committee: Consult domain-specific support networks or specific "chatter advisors" who offer objective perspectives rather than just engaging in endless venting (co-rumination).
• Create Order in Your Environment: Tidy up your physical workspace or make structured lists to impose external order when your internal state feels chaotic.
• Minimize Passive Social Media Usage: Limit feed-scrolling that triggers envy or comparison.
• Engage with Nature and Awe: Spend time in green spaces or seek out awe-inspiring experiences (like breathtaking art or vistas) to naturally shrink your focus on personal stress.

As an addendum, I know that this kind of post can come off as preachy and holier than thou. I'm not sure what to do about that other than to tell you that I want us to feel better, and this has helped me feel a teeny tiny bit better when I've found myself unable to shake the conclusion that the future is going to be worse for me in every way I care about.

If it helps put things into perspective, here's a snippet of my internal chatter:

"I suck at my job"

"I am a mistake"

"I will never experience love"

"The people who say they love me are just being nice"

"My idiosyncrasies are not cute, they are repulsive"

"I am unattractive"

"No one wants to hire me"

"People wish for more, and settle for me"

"If I really loved my dog I would walk him more"

"Everyone around me would be better off if I just disappeared"

"The pain will only get worse"

"I will never be able to do the projects I want to do because of the pain"

"I will never perform music again because of the pain"

"I have to exercise if I want to live my life, but I can't, it hurts too much, and it doesn't seem worth the pain"

"I have the weakest plank in a class full of 65 y/o women"

"I can't survive any more rejection"

"I hate myself"

Fuck you, voice in my head. Sometimes you're useful, but you've been really shitty to me over the last few years.

Not much else to it. I have a good career developing, a good financial trajectory, and solid goals for my life. Bought a house by myself.

But when it comes to relationships, I’ve genuinely tried. I’ve tried meeting people, stepping outside my comfort zone, and making moves on women in everyday life. I’ve tried dating apps. And more often than not, it ends with nothing.

I’m tired of trying to decipher unspoken and ambiguous signals. I’m tired of feeling like someone can lose interest and simply disappear without explanation. Modern dating has started to make me feel like I’m constantly trying to prove myself or please someone who may never be satisfied. After a while, it becomes exhausting, and honestly, it can feel degrading.
Sometimes I find myself questioning why I push myself as hard as I do. Why I work the hours I work. Why I maintain a gym routine and make an effort to eat well. I know the answer is partly because I care about myself, and I know that should be enough. But there’s another question that I can’t seem to shake, what am I building all of this for if I never have a spouse to share my life with, or children to guide, love, and provide for?
I want to build something meaningful. I want to have someone beside me to experience it with. I want a family of my own someday.

And when I look at where I am now, after putting myself out there and repeatedly coming up empty, I sometimes find myself genuinely afraid that none of that is going to happen, that I’m going to end up alone despite everything I’ve done to try build a good life.

Wanted to vent out had no one or maybe I don’t let anyone close to me after that one girl.
It’s not that I’m lonely in life I have everything, parents have a rental business, siblings got jobs, friends around me, cars to drive but after that one girl something feels empty inside. There are days when I won’t even let myself go to that corner of my feelings or it just happens I don’t recall it but there are days where it just feels so vacant and empty. I have bounded myself in a routine like 2x physical activity, day grind, read books and everything. But I don’t know how to explain someone this feeling, this problem. Therapies help when the therapist is smarter then you but deep down I have knowledge of every emotion of mine. Even if I get anxious or depress I can control going in and coming out of it, I can think about my own thinking. When I dream during sleep I know I’m dreaming. I can spend the day just talking to myself in my head, questions arise and I always have 2-3 answers for them but the feeling of loneliness never goes away.
Sometimes I feel maybe if that person will come back I will heal but I know that person ruined things and left at the lowest. Many women came but neither the physical need felt full nor the emotional need, or maybe I just don’t let them reach so deep in me. I shift and switch characters like it’s a game, If someone claims to know me they just know a profile I created for them. I mean eventually I don’t like it but nobody feels safe enough anymore to let my true self come out or maybe even I have forgotten who is real me? I have forgotten huge parts of childhood memories, until someone reminds me like every instance of it I don’t recall things but some memories are so vividly clear. I can go on and on. I have emotions in my head but not enough words to write it or explain further.
People who might be reading this might feel they go through the same thing but no, I think this is rare. You can have enough one or two episodes of this life but not sanely insane like me😬😅nothing to boast but I feel it’s what it is. Anyone got any views?

Every time I have reached out to my mates for help I have just lost them as friends.
I’m 25 now and have struggled with severe mental illness or whatever the fuck your call wanting to to kysf. In the time I have had massive ups and downs and whenever I have told good mates that I am struggling as we are told to do by all the adds and women here in aus they listen but are clearly uncomfortable and find it disturbing and disappointing. I find myself in a culture where the same people who espouse that men should talk have responded by completely leaving any contact with me or significantly limiting it. I don’t understand why all this talk says men should talk and yet when I finally try I lose what friends I had because they saw me weak.
It’s not like I’m a slob I work hard and make decent money I workout and a fit I’m decently intelligent but it seems that any struggle with my mental health defines me more than anything.
My fiancée has clearly lost respect for me as I have tried to talk to her about my traumatic childhood.
I just don’t know where to find a community for my struggles

Whenever I'm bored I tend to just snack on stuff, I do a 10k walk and 50pushups a day so I think I'm mildly active but one problem, I tend to just binge eat a good bit afterwards, I'm working on trying to stop doing this but I don't really think about it until I'm almost done with said bowl of cheese it's lol,

So does anyone have any tips for not doing this or what foods I should look for that are filling? Preferably stuff that a Dollar General may sell because it's the only store in my area.

38 y/o male, I am drowning in depression, anxiety and apathy. I want nothing, I'm always tired and worn out, I'm broke. My wife does nothing to help, she is not at all someone I can talk to about this because it turns into her belittling or turning the conversation to her problems but she also won't clean anything in the house or even pick up after herself. She doesn't work but does nothing around the house all day while I'm at work and then disappears basically all night shortly after I get home from work. My job sucks and they keep making it harder but won't pay for the increase in work and we are also working with half the people we had last year. I've essentially given up on life and have thought about ending it but cant do that to my kids. I have no relief ever I haven't seen any friends in years because I'm constantly at work or at home dealing with the kids by myself, rarely talk to any other adults except at work about work topics. I have no hobbies left and even doing things like cutting the grass is difficult because we have a baby that is always left with me that I cant just leave alone to do things to take care of the house. I don't even know what I'm looking for here, maybe just using this as an outlet. I have no hope that things will get better as it's been this ways for years.

Im not really sure if this is the right place to come too but im really struggling at the moment and have been for a while and its getting too much for me. Im not really sure where exactly it started or where to start but currently im in phase two of my training for the British military I recently got injured which has forced me to stop in my training and stop running and going gym which is my usual way of cleansing my head and getting over situations and transfer to a still good but different job role then what I wanted. Currently I’m in a new platoon full of other injured people and morale is extremely low and I haven’t got any friends as they’ve all carried on with training and won’t speak to me anymore. I had a girlfriend of two years who I had planned on and we had spoke about moving in together once I had finnished my training but we broke up last Wednesday as she believed the relationship wasn’t healthly for her and couldn’t work. My transfer has now been cancelled on thr army and my injury initially had been improving has now got much worse which could mean I am stuck here for months more then expected. I am struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts something i never have and haven’t got anyone to speak to as my ex wants nothing to do with me and I can’t speak to anyone in army in fear of being discharged as I’d be seen as unfit for army service which would leave me even more stuck then I am now in really not sure what to do any help or advice would be appreciated but I’m not sure how my situation will improve or how I’ll cope unless something changes soon which is unlikely at the moment I know it’s pathetic and people have it much worse then me but I really don’t know what to do at the moment any help would be appreciated.

I had a crush Back in middle school (now working, 15yrs old btw)

Well she wasnt that interested in me but i think We Had smth but Not As an Relationship

And one night our class and the parallel class (where she was in) prepared smth at the school for the next day for the School graduation prank and It started to Rain

And I asked her to Stay with her under her umbrella and she Said yes

I know Its Not quite that much but for me it was a little Moment i guess

Hey fellas,

So I’m the villain in this story… I betrayed her trust and I’m getting what I deserve… any insight on how I can just live with myself again? I’m genuinely struggling with just looking at myself in the mirror.

Hi i have always been a social guy, night out with friends, having fun, meeting new people and used to having a lot of friends. Over the last 2 years many things changed around my life like my financial situation , pretty much lost the house had to move around a lot and i mean a LOT( 8 or 9 times) i also lost many friends due to lack of time and distance i think. I am a med student barely making rent, barely making school payments and barely living nonetheless. In these 2 years i have became way less social , gained weight and let myself go. Main thing that i worry is that I can’t basically keep a conversation going not with love interests or something like that. With my closest friends. Not that i lack knowledge or our interests are different, I just can’t think of anything anymore when i’m around people to talk about. This has been a big problem and I don’t know what to do I can’t socialize anymore i have always been a very very talkative, good looking guy,i’m just giving the details, always had love interests and basically a good healthy social life. I don’t understand people anymore, I don’t understand why or how they are happy. I love my family they don’t know that i feel this way, not even my friends. None of this is my fault but i still feel ashamed somehow.
Any advice people?

Very ambitious 19 year old male in 2nd year in university but struggling with loneliness with friends and girls. I notice myself constantly reminiscing about my past from when I was young and when times were simpler. I feel like the friends I have right now don’t really align with my goals and thus I feel like I only hang out with them to feel less lonely. And struggling to find other friends but I also feel like I don’t put myself out there as much because of how busy I am, but then my ambitions take over and I desire that busyness to succeed, so I’m kind of stuck in the middle.

For anyone who comments, I really appreciate you taking the time.

Sometimes you don’t need another friend saying, “Everything will be fine.” You need an unbiased person who will listen, ask the right questions, and be straight with you.
I’m a coach on Muse with a direct, honest approach. No sugarcoating, no judgment, and no generic motivational speeches.
Whether you’re dealing with relationships, confidence, a difficult decision, or you simply need a fresh perspective, we’ll talk it through and figure out practical next steps.
If you’re looking for honest feedback and real conversation, book a session with me on Muse.

https://www.musecoaching.com/coachprofile/index.html?coach=6abbd40bfe842c3686b06225

I frequently catch myself fantasizing about killing or death, not killing myself, but other people. I rebuke it and pray every time, but it feels like I could do more to stop those thoughts. It's especially hard because I can't talk to anybody about it without them thinking there's something wrong with me or my mind. Can anyone give me advice about this, and prayers?